z

Young Writers Society


12+

Fading Fairytales - Chapter Six (II)

by crossroads


(984 words for the Last Man Standing contest)

_____

To Emperor Valevari,

First of his name, blood of Empress Saonasorai and the highest authority from The Arrow to the Valley of Ice--

She stopped, smirking slightly, already imagining her father frowning at that title. The Empire has lost The Arrow before Valevari's reign, yet even after all the years, he felt the sting of that loss as his own; reminding him of it in the very heading of a letter would hardly guarantee the rest of it being read in his good mood.

Letting the paper fall from her desk and taking a blank one, she dipped her quill in ink again.

To my beloved father--

She let the tip of her quill linger above the paper's surface, before sighing and tossing them both to the floor. It was hopeless. She's been trying to compose a letter to the Emperor for days, ever since Iluan had sent the news of the King's death, and almost every time stopped before even writing the first sentence.

She had no way of knowing how her father would react to a letter, addressed in any way. It's been years since they last talked properly - ever since she abandoned her mission in the Naavian castle, and turned her back on the Empire, warning prince Iluan and his siblings of the poison in their glasses - and for all she knew, he could've thought she died. Or worse, he could've promised the throne to Sina instead of her.

"Prince Iluan," she muttered to herself, leaning back in her chair, a small smile playing on her lips. If there wasn't for her and everything that happened, she wondered, would he had kept his title and position? He never acted much like a prince - not compared to his older brothers, most definitely - and he never mentioned it, but the thought refused to leave Riralai alone.

Stop doing that to yourself, she snapped at her own mind. He has his moments of doing the strange and unexpected, but he wouldn't be marrying you if he blamed you for getting estranged to his family.

With a soft sigh, she got up, drawing her fingers over the cold surface of the wall as she walked to the window. The sky outside was dark, in that tone right between black and blue, when the first stars just shyly started to shine over the fortress. Further under the cliffs that Drakefort stood on, she could see small fires being lit in the port and on the ships resting there.

Opening the window, she closed her eyes and greeted the crispy air with a deep breath, letting the cloak fall from her shoulders as she walked out on the balcony. The evening here carried a soft scent of the ocean, and always seemed to taste like snow, even though she had never seen it falling. It was windy again, as it often was on the Invisible Islands, and the air made her dress hug her body tightly, but she welcomed the coldness. It was refreshing, almost gentle, compared to the coldness of her home. On the very south of the South, where the sea met the land, the winds were calm, but the air and the ocean left anyone used to warmer areas trembling under layers of clothes. Further as one traveled north, however, to the mountains and to the Imperial City, where the Court lay, the winds grew merciless, pulling the clothes and hair, fighting endless battles with the stone and iron that shielded the Palace.

"If you survive three days standing in the winds on the mountains close to the Traitor's Peak, you're lucky, for it means you can survive any temptation," she said silently, grinning shortly at the old saying. She has seen hundreds of men challenging each other, and hundreds of men dying in attempts to even get there. The Traitor's Peak - across the canyon and the city from the Imperial Court, on the very border with Naavia - was known for its winds, strong enough to send a grown man flying for taking a single wrong step, said to sometimes keep people in the air for days before calming down enough to land them into the sharp cliffs on the mountain's steepest side. Some believed only the fairies danced those cliffs, thin and light and bending into the wind instead of defying its strength.

*

Shouting, carried by the wind and the darkness, reached her ears and pulled her from her thoughts. Down in the port, she could see silhouettes moving quickly in the light of the fires, their voices loud enough to alert her but not clear enough for her to understand. Feeling a frown creeping on her face, she turned her eyes to the sea, her eyes narrowing. She could see a mass approaching the land - a ship, judging by the size - but something about it seemed off. Its sails seemed to be catching no wind, instead just getting pulled by it in various directions, like cloths hanging from a stick.

Turning quickly, Riralai bent and gripped her cloak, pulling it back over her shoulders along the way, as she hurried down the stairs from her room. She ignored the guards rushing to meet her, giving a quick nod to whomever asked her whether to wake up the servants, and reached the stables in minutes. Telling off the man who offered to ready her horse, she pulled herself up without a saddle, shortly stroking her black stallion's mane before whispering it commands to take her down to the port.

She was half way there, on the curvy path right above the first houses, when she spotted the sparks. Like tiny bugs or decorative candles, they caught on the edges of the torn sails, for a moment illuminating the deck before turning into flames.

In their light, even where she was observing from, Riralai could see them slowly devouring the sails. Dark blue sails with a silver tree, and a dragon curling around it.

*


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1634 Reviews


Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Fri Oct 17, 2014 5:16 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi AriaAdams!

I have been a bit absent from this story, but I was happy to see that when I did return it was easy to continue reading and remember everything that has happened, which at least means your book is memorable. And that's always a good thing ^^ So I was happy to realize that! I also liked how you started off this chapter with Riralai writing the letter and trying to word the right things to her father. I like this line of the plot a lot, and I like her point of view. She strikes me as a strong character who has been through some tough decisions and times, and yet it still being independent and not letting herself be defeated. I hope we get to see a lot more from her point of view in the future. I think she is my favourite character so far.

You briefly mention that she saved Iluan and his siblings from the poison, but seeing as this is a big event, I want to know more about it than just a brief mention of it! I think it is a big moment for the story because it also sealed Riralai's fate. I wonder, did she love Iluan when she did that for him and his family, or was it simply from the goodness of his heart, and the love came afterwards? That was something I would've been curious to know, and it might even give a reason why their love sparked in the first place.

Another thing I am curious about was if Riralai was aware that she would be shunned by her family after she made the decision to save Iluan and his family. I want to know the stress and panic as she weighed her options and tried to make up her mind. I want to know her thoughts as she did that, and maybe a flashback would even be in order?

And afterwards, when they probably turned towards Iluan's family for safety, he was also pushed away by them because they thought she was behind the Emperor even if she was the one who spared their lives. Although the King didn't like Riralai and Iluan, did the siblings who were saved by her also dislike her? I wonder. I also wonder how the feeling of betrayal and mistrust must've felt after they were pushed away from either side. Were they hopeless? I want to see these emotions that I felt were skipped over! Making us feel them can only help us relate to the characters all the more.

I know this was a short review, but there isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said! I look forward to reading more :)

Image

Deanie x




User avatar
223 Reviews


Points: 282
Reviews: 223

Donate
Sun Jun 29, 2014 6:55 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello again AriaAdams,

The suspense is killing me! The end of this magnificent chapter sent shivers down my spine. I wonder what (or who) started the fire? I cannot predict the upcoming chapters, there's always something new coming right around the next bend. These chapters are like life, impossible to predict, but enjoyable. I look forward to reading the next chapter!

~Kelpies




User avatar
1417 Reviews


Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Wed Jun 11, 2014 12:27 am
View Likes
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

So I'm pretty sure I've praised you on your descriptions in like, every review I've done of this novel. And naturally I'm going to do it again. There's some sort of formality to your writing, something that makes me feel like I'm reading something ligit. Not that everything else isn't ligit, but, well, you know what I'm saying -_- It's very formal, but it's also quite interesting at the same time. It's hard for me to focus while reading if there isn't much dialogue. *shrugs* It's just something about me as a reader. But with your novel here, I don't lose focus. I'm reading each word through the end. Bravo with that :)

There are a few spots that you switch from past to present tense. I'll find them and put them in the spoiler. I'm sure it's just a typo.

Spoiler! :
The Empire has lost The Arrow before Valevari's reign,

I do believe you meant 'had' instead of 'has'.

It's been years since they last talked properly

Should be 'it has' instead of 'it's'.


As for your characters, I feel like they're getting a bit thrown around right now. I know that there are a lot of them, but I feel like you aren't spending much time on them. I'm not feeling the overall connection. All their stories intertwine somehow, I know, but the connection just isn't there yet. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here. A few more chapters and it may all make sense.

Gah, that review was terrible. Sorry -_- I didn't really have anything to say besides the thing about the characters.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




User avatar
301 Reviews


Points: 20262
Reviews: 301

Donate
Tue Jun 03, 2014 1:09 am
View Likes
Snowery wrote a review...



Hullo Aria! I'm back. Again. :D

So it's Riralai again! :)

Main Points

and for all she knew, he could've


I have this strange feeling that you forgot to type the rest of the sentence here :/ Maybe you did this on purpose? I don't know but if it was intentional, I'd have thought you'd put an ellipse or dash. Though, who knows, this might be some grammar thing I'm not aware of. :D

If there wasn't for her


This is just my personal opinion but I really feel that “there” should be “it”.

always seemed to taste like snow, even though she had never seen it falling


I really love the imagery in the first part of this sentence. Now, I am slow at understanding things, so if I missed something or what I say doesn't make sense then please disregard this. My problem is that these sentences being next to each other don't seem to make sense. The girl has never seen snow, so how could she possibly know what it tastes like? I know that you've used the word seemed there, but that just means that the air may or may not taste like snow. Unless it tasted like what she imagined or thought to taste like snow.
Now you have specifically said falling . So maybe this is your way of saying that she's only seen snow once it's fallen? Or maybe in this world the snow is suspended in the air? (that's actually a really cool idea and if you're not using it then I so totally am :P )
I know I'm spending forever on this, it's just that it strikes me as very strange that you put snow there. I mean she's close to the sea, wouldn't it taste like salt? I really feel like there's a reason that you did this.

if he blamed you for getting estranged to his family.


A curious line. I'm interested to know why Ri thinks this. He can hardly blame her for his own decision to leave his own family; all she did was save his life :/ I'd love to see them together at one point and watch the dynamics of their relationship and see how they act around each other. There's something about Illuan...

that Drakefort stood on


Yay! We know where Riralai is now. Drakefort is Illuan's place isn't it?

Its sails seemed to be catching no wind, instead just getting pulled by it in various directions


:/ I hate doing this because I sound like such a nag, but... this didn't really make sense to me. Just like with the snow thing, I felt like these phrases contradict each other. Again the first part was good imagery, but it made me picture slack sails, because that's what they tend to do when they don't catch wind. Then suddenly the sails are being puled in different directions. I can't picture the two sentences together. Again, I'll mention that I can be slow sometimes so if I've got this all wrong then just disregard.

a silver tree, and a dragon curling around it


This looks familiar, I've seen this somewhere. *skims through previous chapters*
So I couldn't find it -.- but I swear this has been mentioned somewhere, and I'll find it. Unless, I'm hallucinating :/

Just as a note for when you're editing, there are a few places where better words could have been used: onto rather than on, had rather than has or being instead of getting. Just small things, but don't forget to look out for them :)

Imagery

This is definitely one of the strongest points of your writing.

You paint the picture of the setting very well, with beautiful words, metaphors and similes. Also, in this chapter you haven't over complicated things allowing us to see the picture clearly. I also commend you on being able to include so much imagery and description without losing too much pace and focus of the moment. :)

Another great thing is the way we can always see what Ri is doing. Her movements, her body language and her expressions have all been well documented, helping us to get to know her better. It's also quite a critical thing to include seeing as there is no dialogue in which she can express her character.

Character Development

One of the challenges with your story, I feel, is that the reader is only given a glimpse of each character at a time. So it's much harder to make the reader connect to each character. That being said, I think you've done a great job of making each character hold their own. Most of them have different personalities, and are in different situations. Hopefully I can say a bit more about this later on.

Anchoring

Okay, so this is where I insert some “cautionary” advice. Just some fruit to munch on as you write your later chapters.
You do have a lot of characters, that's true. I love reading from multiple POVs, it's like you added really good full cream milk to your coffee. The thing is though, that because we can't rely on connecting to a particular character to keep us invested in the story, we need some form of anchorage. There is no obvious plot line yet either, no sequence of events that we need to see through and follow to the end, which is a by product of the multiple characters. There needs to be a reason for us to get to the end other than just getting to the end. You have scattered intrigue though, with each chapter ending with mini cliffhangers, and we are starting to see things come together with the introduction of Ri, who had been referenced in chapter one. It's early days yet but at some point intrigue won't be enough and there will need to be something more solid to anchor to the story.
Who knows, you might already have ways to “anchor us in” already, planned out in your notes. :D

Overall I thought that this was a great chapter, there were some great descriptions and some action at the end. I look forward to seeing more! Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Silverlock




crossroads says...


It won't let me post comments properly <.<



crossroads says...


Abut that sentence - it got randomly cut off when I posted it, I have no idea how xD It says
"...he could've thought she died. Or worse, he could've promised the throne to Sina instead of her."
And i actually added it in when I noticed, but I guess you started your review before that so it didn't show yet xP



crossroads says...


*About
As for the snow, she has seen it in her life, but not on those Islands ;) So she knows what it looks and tastes like, it just doesn't make too much sense to her that she can taste it in the air (or rather, the wind) there. And there actually is a reason! It's like one of those hints I leave like breadcrumbs c:



crossroads says...


Yup, Drakefort is Iluan's place. They're living together.
xD Oh dear, the sails.. Okay, this whole chapter was practically written in an hour, with that last part put together in like five minutes BUT I meant like, they weren't catching wind and holding it and using it for moving the ship, but they were in shreds and just sort of flailing around in the wind instead..?



crossroads says...


And you've indeed seen the tree with the dragon - the tree is on the Verylles' coat of arms, and the dragon is added to it by Iluan as Count of Drakefort ;)

Oh and there shall be big plot introduced soon! Yes, I actually have it, kind of. :3
Thank you again for all the reviews so far, you're awesome 8D



crossroads says...


And I'm so sorry for all the notifs right now xD



Silverlock says...


Haha! When I saw all the notifs I thought you accidentally spammed yourself XD
Yeah I had the feeling you did the snow thing on purpose.
If that's what you meant by the sails thing you should probably mention they're shredded or something. I pictured them intact, which is probably the problem. :/
I knew I'd seen it before! I shall track it down...
*Is looking forward to the big plot* O.O :D
No worries! It's fun to read! Though I probably won't get to your next few chapters 'till July :(



User avatar
68 Reviews


Points: 2385
Reviews: 68

Donate
Mon Jun 02, 2014 1:04 pm
Unique says...



I literally have nothing to say. Great descriptions and just the right amount of talking. Great job!





I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
— Walt Disney