I look through the tiny window in the door of my cell and see that the keys to the door were still in the lock. I try pushing the door open and it moves smoothly. Guards are trained to never forget the keys and this couldn't have been an accident. I turn the keys in the lock to lock the door behind me and I walk away, my bare feet not making any sound on the cold stone floor.
I reach the door to the dungeon and ease it open. I slip out and see two guards with their backs turned. Then I do the stupidest thing I ever did. I run. The guard yells something inaudible but probably offensive. My lungs are burning nut the door was in sight. I reach out my hand for the knob and slip through the door. Unfortunately, I don't notice the guard standing on the other side until it's too late. It is a tall, burly man with medium skin and hateful eyes. I recognize him immediately as the guard who arrested me and put me in my cell in the first place. He raises his sword over his head and brings it down hard on my shoulder. I collapse to the ground as an indescribable pain shoots up my left arm. Spots begin to fill my vision and within a few seconds, the world went dark.
.
I wake up with a scream. I look over at my left arm. The pain was terrible and the bandage holding it together is stained red with blood. My screaming continues until the woman guard, who let me escape, clamps a hand over my mouth.
"Shut up," She says. "I was trying to help you."
"Please," I wheezed.
"Fine, I'll put you out of your misery." That's when I noticed the gleaming knife in her hand. I had just enough time to mentally plea for death before the knife entered my back and I was dead to the mortal world.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
I love it! Please write more, and if you do, will it be about him not in the mortal world? Or will he come back to life, so that's based in the mortal world? Sorry, writing my thoughts.... This an interesting concept, but is he even on earth or is it a different planet? Is it in the future, past, present? The part where he dies, draw it out more and make it more devastating.
The part where he dies is supposed to be short and quick to set the scene for the rest of the story. Also, just wait. I need more points and I will post the next part.
Hello again Flutter, Wolf here for yet another review.
A few little nitpicks:
Here it is a bit repetitive. The story says lock twice in a three word 'radius'. You could remove the part 'in the lock' entirely and it would still make sense.
I get what you're trying to say here, but it's worded very awkwardly. Maybe you could try 'stupidest thing I've ever done', instead of what is there?
I think 'nut' should be 'but', and there should be a comma before it.
Here I am a little confused. Why would he plea for death? Wouldn't someone want to stay alive? There should also be a comma before 'and'.
I like that vague cliffhanger you left us off with. It's very interesting where this will go, and it really came as a shock that the main character just straight up dies in the first chapter. That's good! It means you've already established that this is not an 'ordinary' novel, because most people don't kill their main characters before a chapter is even over, (though they may wait until the second to do so).
I really love fantasy, and I'm excited where this is leading. You do a really nice job of describing the characters feelings, though, as mentioned in my last review, try to find other sentence starters. This is really getting heated. Sorry if this review seemed scattered. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Just to clarify, I said he would plea for death because he was in so much pain that putting him out of his misery , like the guard said, would be the easiest solution.
Oh okay. That makes sense.
Also, sorry for all my grammar errors
in my bio thing, I did say I was a perfesonal splelr.