The Siege, Chapter two: Failure (part 3/3)

May 29, 2014
Novel / Chapter: Fantasy, Action / Adventure
5 comments (5 reviews)

Word count for the whole chapter: 6.511

Hashi

He hesitated.

Fade stood above him, his arms crossed. He longed for the moment he’s going to work alone. This man was giving him enough creeps. Sitting crouched, he slightly removed the paper.

Damn me. This is not what I’d expected.Even though he knew they breached the outer defenses, he didn’t think they had reached their end yet. He completely removed the paper, for Fade to see too.

“Great Fort Mountain is before us”, he declared. The giant city filling even larger hole inside the mountain was down under. If Hashi ran through the paper, he would have fell down the cliff more than hundred meters high. There were steel ladders inserted into the cliff though, leading down.

The city itself was supported by four stone columns. They were not built, the city was simply dug around them. At the ceiling of this enormous cave, there was blinding light, shining like a tiny, human-made sun. There were also dozens of lights shining from the columns themselves, to the places where they would shadow its main source.

From here, Hashi could easily see the four main districts of the town. The one just under them was the military district, crowded with barracks. On the opposite end, there was a something like a usual town, where civilians have lived. Third district was the place with the magnificent buildings, so he guessed that’s where the leaders and important people were. The last one was only few buildings, one being gigantic prison. Even from this distance, he could discern that it was a prison because of the large scale of the building. He could also see the train station, rails disappearing into the depths of the mountain. The rest of that district was incorporated into the mountain itself. That’s where all the shady deals must be happening. That’s where I’m heading to.

Hashi was almost certain that only few people knew about what was going on inside here. The others could suspect; that was the reason for The State to forbid leaving the fort. This place was the center of its military power. Only the most skilled people would be assigned to work here. Military researches were the central thing going on in here. All the soldiers who would come here have already finished the best state universities, but inexperience was what they could never achieve, be it outside or here. That’s why running through four platoons could have been that easy. They all hesitated; not for long, but a blink of an eye was enough for him to slip their throats.

Medical research was also the thing. For the few hundred years past, not a single man had died of illness inside The State. Yet his friends and comrades had all been eradicated due to carrying deadly disease. He called it bullshit, and that’s what it is. Shael had long ago told him the true reasoning behind that attack.

But it’s not only the revenge that made him do this. That man’s goal… Shael’s goal, it was righteous. It was what had to be done, and the men of sword all felt when something had to be done. They could feel it in their bones. Last but not least, hehadto do it, because he had a debt to pay.

Master, I can feel the fire of this world is slowly turning pale. I can feel the wood that’sburning became rotten so long ago, and the fire will soon perish. My bones tremble at the very thought of helping change this world. My sword stands still in my hand as it never stood before. Even it is certain of what we have to do. Didn’t you tell me that thousands of years had passed since the man of sword had been one with their weapons? I feel the sword became my brother, and what is there closer to the man? You were all my brethren. That’s why we will enjoy every drop of blood we spill in this path of salvation. Forgive me master, I can’t fulfill my promise, I won’t meet you when I’m buried. I’m going to a different place, somewhere down below. Forgive me, my brothers.

The red dot flashed across his shoulder. They were aiming for Fade. He moved his sword just in time to see the bullet split in two.

“Lay down.” he ordered. As soon as Fade listened, Hashi leaped.

After falling more than ten meters, he grabbed the ladder with his left arm stopping him in place. The small army of soldiers gathered down, about hundred meters under.

As soon as he noticed the red dots have found him, he let go. The bullets hissed above his head, maybe even scratching his bun. This time he was falling much longer.

“This is what you made!” he yelled mid-air, even though there was no way for him to be heard. After falling more than thirty meters, he caught the ladder again. The pain was there, but his hand had served him well. Two more leaps had to be made. The sword seemed to have disappeared when he was forced to reflect more bullets. Again, he leaped.

Even while falling, Hashi managed to reflect all the bullets that would otherwise hit him.

Master had never taught me this. This is the revenge itself!His blood was racing inside him. Trembling had taken him and, not thinking, he never caught the ladder again.

Strong as eternal stone.He crashed into the group of soldiers after more than sixty meters of freefall.

Dust rose when his body crashed into the ground, splashing the solder he fell into. Men started screaming, and the blood flew from more than one place at a time. Amongst those inexperienced soldiers, grew chaos. No, it was not the toll for the lack of experience. No man would ever be ready to fight this monster.

* * *

A soldier stood in disbelief next to a small crater where his friend’s twisted remains were, but there was no one else there with him. He dropped his gun, while he watched the dust and the sprays of blood appearing at random places. It was only a second of pain when something flashed next to him. He rose his left arm only to see that his hand wasn't there anymore. He didn’t even cry. His eyes were shutting slowly, him losing consciousness in front of the unexplainable massacre that unfolded. He could do nothing but die.

* * *

His legs were broken. He had awoken in the middle of slaughtered mass of soldiers, and it was done by his sword. In fact, he couldn’t move at all. His right arm was mercilessly clenching the bloodied sword. Left arm, he didn't even feel at all. Like through the mist, he remembered leaping down the cliff, and catching onto the ladders. Every single bone inside his left hand was shattered.

He shut his eyes, and memories broke in.

“Never surrender to the rage Hashi, the man of a sword must remember it."

“Why are you telling me that, master?” the boy said with innocence in his voice.

“Because everyone born into this world is born with the rage inside. It threatens to take over every day of your life. There will be no true peace in this world until all the people overcome their rage.”

The boy was amazed, yearning to learn everything his master told him.

“But you can never beat the rage within. You can only keep it shut; it is like a beast threatening to tear you apart if released.”

“Why are we learning to fight then, master?” the boy seemed confused.

“Fight?” his master smiled. “Sometimes man must fight, but fight is not the essence of rage. I’m not teaching you how to fight. I’m teaching you how to become one with the world around. When there is someone you have to fight, you must never forget that he is your brother, made of the same flesh and blood you are. You respect him, and you love him.”

“But what if you kill someone?”

“In this world we live in, these bodies we have, everything dies sometimes. When you die, you will hold hands with those you had killed as well as every other human left this painful world. You become one. That’s the world we truly live in. But if you surrender to your rage, you can never reach that world my Hashi. That is because, rage makes you kill the human just because you want it. Rage has no love for the humans, no respect.”

He blinked.

Swords clashed. He looked Reyel into the eyes, with respect. But he was stronger, and overcome his opponent soon enough.

“You beat me”, Reyel desperately said, on his knees, the sword lying on his shoulder, ready to cut the neck.

Hashi moved the sword, and bowed. “You are foolish to challenge me to a fight, brother”, he said jokingly.

“Go to train”, master ordered. He seemed satisfied. Reyel ran away, but the master approached Hashi. “You are truly the best student I’ve ever had.”

Hashi thankfully bowed to his master.

“I want you to one day replace me, and that day is coming soon, my young Hashi.”

He stood in disbelief. Him? Becoming master? He knew he was the best with the sword, but that thought never came to his mind. He never imagined master would ever die.

Sword fell to the ground, and he hugged his old teacher. It surprised even him, how he reacted, but he couldn’t hold his feelings. Tears ran down his cheeks.

“I will go train harder!” Hashi enthusiastically said, wiping the tears of joy away.

“You no longer need to learn the way of the sword”, master held him for the arm. “From now on you will fight your inner enemy, the only enemy you will ever encounter. I’m certain you can beat it.”

Hashi blinked the tears away.

“What is happening?” Hashi woke up to the sound of rifles. Reyel’s voice was heard from somewhere outside:”State soldiers are attacking!”

Confused and scared, he jumped to his feet, pulling some clothes on. He opened the door, sword already in his hands.

Bloodbath. Bullets were piercing through his friends. Reyel charged towards one, but he was shot down.

“No!” he screamed. The blood in his veins became hot, and his eyes were swollen from tears.

“Run Hashi!” master appeared with the sword in his hands. “Preserve the way of man of the sword! You are the master now! Run!”

He wanted to stay. He wanted to kill the enemy attacking their peaceful home. He wanted to taste their blood. But one thing he could not do was disobey his master.

He managed to run away to the north, and found shelter within the last great wilderness, the Nation’s Forest. They tried to follow him inside, and he killed them all.

He opened his eyes. Voices were all around him.

“We caught the intruder!”

“Hundred and fifty eight dead, sir.”

“Let me shoot him! Let me shoot him!” someone screamed in pain. So many souls he can never hold hands with.I’m sorry master, I have failed you.

Everything hurt when they lifted his body.

I wish I could finish my task.Being carried away, his body almost lifeless, he realized he hadn’t only failed his master; he had failed everyone.

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Sun Feb 15, 2015 5:18 am

Deanie wrote a review...

Hi Alchemist!

My apologies for taking such a long time to get back to this novel! I will be spending as much time as possible today trying to catch up with all the chapters you already have, and especially as you seem to have some free time for YWS coming up as well Maybe you will be doing some editing.

I liked this chapter. What I especially liked was the flashback and the backstory you supplied here. I felt like we hadn't received much of that with the majority of the characters until which made it seem like this novel was lacking depth and a complete understanding of their situation. But with this backstory we now know Hashi a lot more and also can understand his motives. I really wish you would do this with the other characters as well so we could get to know them properly as well! That aside I also thought the action in this was done very well too. You seem to have a good grasp on writing action scenes without it becoming too much of a he-died-there and he-died-here experience where it becomes listy. With you the words seem to flow and I never get bored even amongst all of the fighting. Which isn't too easy when it is me reading

I felt like you touched base on the reason why they had to leave The State but you didn't give me enough. You brushed over it and it left me wanting to know why in more detail. So yes, The State was a place where they had no disease and anyone who showed signs of having a disease were kicked out instead of treated - I understand that much. But you said The State claimed disease when they said they didn't. Did they have tests or something afterwards to insure that they didn't, or are they simply hoping that they don't. Because if it is hope than we can't blame The State as I feel you want us to. And in that case we also don't know whether our main characters are completely healthy. But then again, if The State did lie and they are perfectly healthy, then why did they lie? What was it about those people that they wanted to fake something and kick them out for? Were they a threat to them or the public? I wanted to know a bit more here...

I think that although you write the fight scenes well, I still want something a bit more. You can be killing people on a physical level, but what about an emotional one as well? Yes, Hashi doesn't feel sorry for these people he is murdering in the slightest, but make sure you show this to us. Tell us how he is chopping up people left and center and enjoying it, a smirk on his face and his mind wondering who is next. Show us that the rage is taking over his mind so he is screaming as he is chopping limbs, not caring if the blood splatters on his clothes. Tell us he can't even see the victims faces anymore, that they are simply red from his anger and blocked out by the black of hate that has been growing in him for so long and is finally bubbling over. I want you to show us that there is more than just a physical level to fighting. No, Hashi doesn't need to feel sympathy in the slightest, but he must be feeling something. So indulge and described that to us as well!

There was a section with a soldier where he sees his dead friend and then gets his hand cut off. I think that section is appropriate to see the other side of the battle as well, but I am sure you could make it have a bit more impact on us. Again, I am going to go on about the emotion because I think it is what your chapter needs most of all. I want to see the soldiers horror at seeing his mutilated friend as he inspects the damage. Mention that he could've never thought that someone could do that to a human, that he must be dealing with a monster. This soldier isn't dumb as well. Mention how he know death is coming for him. What will he be thinking about as his impending death comes? His mother, his family, his house that he will never return to? That aside, I thought it was strange that he died from his hand being cut off. I might not be an expert in violence but doesn't he need something a bit more fatal to happen? Otherwise he would slowly bleed to death through blood loss, but that might take a bit longer than the mentioned time in the chapter.

In the flashback I also found it odd that Hashi and his master knew it was State soldiers before they even opened the door and looked out! Unless they knew that they soldiers were coming (in which case, I am sure they would've fled) or knew that they might be attacked by them for certain reasons, then they shouldn't know who it is until they open the door. I would advise having them open a door first or at least mention if there is a window around that they use to identify the soldiers.

Another thing about the flashback is that it seems rather random for State soldiers to attack the master and his apprentice. Why would they do that for no reason? Were they doing anything against the rules, seen as a public threat or something else dangerous to the State? I was sincerely confused as to why this random attack happened and you need to remember that you have to give a reason. Especially for us readers who are confused and curious at this point!

Nitpick time! I only pulled out two because it seems like Zontafer got the majority of them already.

“Great Fort Mountain is before us”,

I think the comma needs to go on the inside of the speech marks instead of the outside. I have noticed this in a few other chapters.

He longed for the moment he’s going to work alone.

One thing for you to remember is that with that abbreviation it really stands for he is when you write 'he's'. And I think you can gather that this is in present tense when it could be in past to match the rest of your novel. So, if you are finding the shortened words hard to keep track of in definition, you could also avoid using them or do a little bit more research on when to use which.

That's all I have to say for this chapter! I will go ahead and try to finish reading this novel later on!

Deanie x

Alchemist says...

Tnx for reveiwing!

I've been getting some praise for my fighting scenes, so that's good, theres something I'm good at. xD

Now serious. Hmm, I can see that you misunderstood story a bit, and that's what worries me as a writer the most. Since I've got the whole story in my head, I'm afraid that some chapter won't have all the neccesairy informations, even though they perfectly make sense to me. So in that way, this review is already super useful.

For an example. no one left The State, they are now in it's hearth.

And, flashbacks are different time periods. And also, the things about deseases is that The State has perfect medicine, yet they claimed to purify Hashi's school for the sake of being sick, which was a lie. It all comes explained in one or two chapters, but I thought it is somewhat clear here already. :p

Hm, I won't really be editing this one much, since it is translated on my first language and I'm working super hard on that version.

I rather had idea to review a bit when I said I would have some YWS spare time.

Tnx once again, I really appreciate your effort!

Deanie says...

I did misunderstand. I got that the flashbacks were a different time period, but I got the impression that they were kicked out of the state because the people lied about them being ill when they weren't. I am not sure how you would go about making it more evident, but that seems to be something to work on ^.^

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Sun Sep 28, 2014 7:05 pm

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Zontafer wrote a review...

Hey Alchemist! ^^

Before going on to the nitpicks, I just gotta say that I loved your 4th paragraph, where you described the city!
You only spent a few simple sentences instead of writing a long paragraph, which made it much easier to imagine how it looks.

Nitpicks
A small one:

All the soldiers who would come here ~~have~~ had already finished the best state universities, but inexperience was what they could never achieve, be it outside or here.

Didn’t you tell me that thousands of years had passed since the man of sword had been one with their weapons? I feel the sword became my brother, and what is there closer to the man?

1. I'm not sure about the first sentence, it just sounds a bit confusing. The man of sword is some kind of order or something you become, right? If so, do you mean to write 'men'? Men is plural and man is singular. Or do you mean to write 'a man of sword'?
2. Feel is present, became is past tense.

As soon as he noticed the red dots have found him, he let go.

Had* - past tense

I don't know why, but it just sounded so awesome when Hashi leaped downwards. I would have loved to see that with my own eyes. xD

“Never surrender to the rage Hashi, the man of a sword must remember it."

Here, you say 'the man of a sword', but earlier you said 'the man of sword'.

“You are foolish to challenge me to a fight, brother”, he said jokingly.

Consider revising into 'he joked'.

Sword fell to the ground, and he hugged his old teacher.

'Hashi's', 'his', or 'the' before 'Sword'.

One last thing I have to nitpick on, is the use of 'reflect' with 'bullets'. You used the same words in a couple of sentences when Hashi was leaping downwards. You can easily replace one of them by using a verb such as 'dodge' when he wasn't using his sword.

------------------------------------------

The action and descriptions in this chapter(or part) was amazing!
I'd say this is by far the best one you have written until now, and I can defintiely see that you are becoming better at writing. And when I say so, I mean it. ^_^

You didn't really describe things a lot, and that was a wise move of you! You gave me just enough information, to let the brain think for itself. As I mentioned earlier, I loved the description of the city. Thorough and informative.

When it comes to the flashbacks, I agree with Noelle! Most of the time when I read about flashbacks, I roll my eyes and think how the author is just trying to reveal information in a cheap way. However, I didn't this time!

Honestly, I enjoyed the conversation Hashi and Hashi's master had with each other. One could really feel that they had a great relationship over the time they had known each other.
I got to wonder if those who attacked them were the same as Hashi and Face (and more) are attacking now? Is Hashi doing this because he wanted to avenge his master? (It may be you have already said it, but I have a poor memory, so forgive me if so.)

Wonderful work, keep on writing and happy review day!

- Zontafer

Alchemist says...

hey Zont, thanks for your review! It's really encouraging!

Zontafer says...

You're welcome! ^_^

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Sat Aug 23, 2014 12:53 am

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Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! About time I got to this review... ~~I have good excuses~~

He longed for the moment he’s going to work alone.

One little nitpick here for you. This should probably be changed to 'he was'. My mind automatically jumped to the conclusion that the word was 'he is' instead, which switches you to present tense. So to avoid confusion, I'd suggest changing that.

It's nice to finally get a description of the way the city works. I remember mentioning that in earlier reviews. Up until this point, the group has just been fighting their way through all of those soldiers, thinking of nothing else but getting out alive. Now that they have a small amount of time to "pause", they're able to focus on the city. And that's when we get our information.

Since this is only the second chapter, I think this information is placed well. Sometimes when I read chapters in parts, I convince myself that each part is a separate chapter and I feel like the information is being withheld from us. But looking at all of these parts as a whole chapter, I think the information is well placed.

I really like the use of the flashbacks here. I may be a bit biased though, seeing as I love using them myself xD Anyway, I always find flashbacks to be a good way to portray a character's history to the readers without making it feel forced. Not to mention, a flashback is like a story in its own so you're able to show us what was going on rather than telling us and just having your character recall a conversation occurring.

However, there are a few places where you interrupt the flashbacks that could be worked on:

He blinked.

Hashi blinked the tears away.

These two sentences break apart the parts of the flashbacks, which is nice, but it's also a bit plain. All he did was blink? Then he blinks away the tears again? There has to be something more. Really dig deep into his emotions and how he's reacting to these flashbacks. There really doesn't need to be much between these flashbacks, but I feel like one simple sentence isn't enough. It messes up the flow a bit.

I have to praise you on your ability to write a battle scene. This scene has been going on for a while, over this chapter and part of the first chapter (I think. It's been a while since I've read this...), yet you've kept me interested and engaged throughout. That's really important when it comes to action and battle scenes. Of course, it's important when you're writing any part of any piece, but especially in action. You want to be able to engage the readers and bring the fight to life.

If there's anything you could change about this part of the chapter, it would have to be the place where you switch to describing one of the opposing soldiers. You haven't broken from focusing on Hashi and Fade and the others, so why this desperate need to focus on the enemy? And to be honest, it's just kind of thrown in there and we're supposed to take it all in.

Overall, this part wraps up the chapter very well. I feel like everything that happened in this chapter was building up to this one moment. And you nailed it. Now I can't wait to read on and find out what happens! I promise it won't take me weeks to get to it this time :3

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Alchemist says...

Hi Noelle, thanks for review!
Ehh, I know that this really short POV of random soldier is kinda random, but while I was writing this I realized, I have no one else around out of my main characters who could see this scene, and it's must why it had to be in the story, so I had to work it that way. I mean, there is a reason why I didn't speak from Hashi's perspective. Doest it make any sense? xD

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Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:45 am

TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...

Hello, love!

Aurora here for a Review day review!

Alright. Let's start. There are a lot of technical errors in this piece that I am NOT going to point out. Go back and edit. Read it out loud to a friend. I think you're looking for some other advice, though.

Your character is a paradox. he follows his 'Master's' directions and advice perfectly, yet he curses in his thoughts? People normally curse when they are angry. No rage, right? Not seeing that here, love . I'll admit that I haven't read the previous chapters, though so I might be missing something.

The red dot flashed across his shoulder.
Ahh... what??? I thought this was blood when I first read it. Honestly, I'm still confused as to what it is. A dart, maybe? Huh. Bullets, in my experience, (and I have a lot, trust me on this) are grey. Or black. Never seen a red bullet. Again, since I haven't read your previous chapters, I'm probably missing something.

I also like the description of the surrounding, the pain and the anguish. You manage to balance between action and dialogue, even in a fight scene. I'm impressed. Truly I am. I like the style you write with; you alternate between different perspectives very well.

Anyway, keep persisting, love!
~Aurora

Alchemist says...

Hey, once again, thanks for reading and review!

As I've said, this is really raw. Hashi isn't supposed to be a paradox, he is supposed to have been following the 'code' long time ago, and he wishes to follow it from the bottom of his hearth, but his actions and what he became doesn't match. There should be conflict, paradox never, so I will go through this really carefully and try to fix it.

The red dot...actually somewhere before I've said they use laser guided snipers, so thats what it's supposed to be.

Ehh I don't really know if you really meant the praise part, since it's a common courtesy to underline something good, but I hope there is some truth to it.

Thanks once again!

TheCrimsonLady says...