Letter from a lost Soldier
"Her name was Wren Malcolm. She was only seventeen and had already been accepted to multiple universities. She never got to go." The man read from his speech cards barely fighting back the tears as he stood in front of his daughters open coffin. "Many of you were here when we buried her friend, Peter Carter, in this same cemetery. I'm sure many of you remember what Wren was like on that day as well." The crowd nodded in agreement all seeing the sixteen year old girl kneeling by the grave patch with red rimmed eyes. She didn't cry, she hadn't had it in her anymore; she'd only knelt there brushing stray leaves away until her parents had taken her home. It had broken all of their hearts. "Well after that day Wren was never the same. Every move the terrorists made Wren took as a personal insult, like they were targeting her directly. It worried her Mother and I both but we never thought," he choked off sobbing before regaining his composure, "we never thought she would enlist. Wren had never been very physically capable but like the head strong fool she could be at times, a trait that she inherited from me, she went anyway. The only goodbye anyone really got was a letter after she'd left or, if you were lucky, a phone call." The man paused to dry his eyes before continuing his speech. "None of us, not one, could understand why Wren did what she did. Because none of us have ever lost someone like Wren did. Someone who, until recently, we weren't even aware that she'd lost.
“Peter Carter died in a horrible way at 2:37 pm on October fourteenth of last year. A bomb was dropped by the Russian terrorist group MRWS on the Hills mall and sadly there were almost no survivors. Peter's body was found under a jewellery store counter where it was believed he'd taken shelter. Only Wren knew about the engagement ring that the recovery team found in his pocket." There was a collection of gasps from Wren's family as Mr. Malcolm pulled the ring from his pocket. It was a simple white gold band but crafted in diamonds on the top were two doves entwined in a rose gold string. The ring was suspended on a silver chain which meant Wren had likely worn it around her neck while in combat. Tears trickled down some of the woman's cheeks as Mr. Malcolm took the ring from the chain and gently clasped the chain around his daughter’s neck before sliding the ring onto her finger.
"Found in her belongings at the base was a letter to be handed around the family so that each could read the verse intended for them but also in it was a paragraph she ordered to be read at her own funeral. I will read that to you now." Mr. Malcolm set down his cards and pulled a tear stained piece of paper from his jacket pocket.
"My dear family," he began, "please dry your tears for me as I am not there to do so for you. I know all the things that you must be feeling right now and I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through but this is something I had to do. Before I say anything else, though, please remember that this is not a suicide note, this is a love letter. Peter's dead and with him gone it's too hard to go on living. I know I'm not going to survive in this war; I'm not stupid enough to think I'll last. But consider the lives I take here a last stand, my last act of love for Peter, for you, and for my country. I don't think you'll ever know exactly what's going in my mind, to be honest I'm not that sure either, but I'm not asking you to understand, I'm asking you to forgive me. To let me die free of guilt and shame, to let my ghost pass on knowing that none of my family hates me. I know it'll take time but my spirit is willing to wait, I ask only that you try. I love you. Corporal Wren Malcolm." Mr. Malcolm finished and tucked the letter away again addressing his family.
"I hate what my daughter did, but I know I'll never be able to hate my daughter. If anyone thinks differently then please leave because you're no family of mine or Wren." Mr. Malcolm looked around the crowd but no one moved, no one so much as twitched. Despite the grim occasion Mr. Malcolm smiled slightly. "Alright then, let's lay my daughter to rest.
The remainder of the funeral was quiet and sombre. Flowers were laid on the coffin and dirt was thrown into the new grave as Wren was swallowed forever by the earth, and when there nothing remaining but a fresh grave the family departed. So hurried were they to leave this place of tears and sorrow that no one noticed the small song bird, the wren, fly down from her tree and come to perch on the young soldier's grave.
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hello Sheep, Wolf here to review. (Please excuse any spelling/grammar mistakes, for I am on my phone.)
So I don't have many nit-picks, and even then it's only two. I feel like most of your paragraphs are too big. If I counted them, I could probably find about fifteen, maybe to twenty sentences. The average paragraph is usually five to twelve sentences max. Just make is easier to read and not get lost, try to find good breaks in your paragraphs to split them up.
[quote]...we weren't even aware that she'd lost.
Peter Carter died in a horrible way...[quote]
There should be a quotation mark before 'Peter Carter'.
I do understand that there was some kind of terrorist bombing, but I don't understand whose these rebels are. It is mentioned that Wren was frustrated every time the rebels made a move, but otherwise there was no other rebels mentioned. If you meant the terrorists, try making that more clear. Usually rebels are thought as people who are trying to rebel against their own government, and these terrorists aren't a part of this country.
Otherwise, this was very heartfelt and saddened story, and I loved it so much. It was very beautifully written and the message it conveyed pulled at my heart strings. I agree with the reviewer before me that it gives a very satisfactory ending, that does make me crave for more answers. And I absolutely adored the ending, it was so wonderful. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Salutations.
What can I possibly say? I am astonished. I know not how old you are or even what your gender is - in fact, other than your username, I know nothing - but none of that matters. What I do know, however, is that you have an exceptional talent.
I feel like an amateur artist critiquing one of Monet's finest works, but I can tell you now that there is not a single aspect of your short story I should change, so the only improvement I can offer on this masterpiece is concerning spelling and grammar. In that respect, I shall try my best.
Is the first sentence of your narrative a statement that the father is merely reading from his speech cards, or is it saying that he is reading the direct speech from his speech cards? If it is indeed the latter, then the full stop after go should be a comma and The should be spelled without a capital letter.
I also discovered an actual mistake: one in punctuation. When you wish to indicate possession, you must remember to add the apostrophe before the s; otherwise it indicates the plural.
I had to read this sentence twice before I understood what you had meant to say. Commas exist for a reason, and if you omit them, you create run-on sentences which are exceedingly difficult to read. I therefore suggest adding one after agreement - it binds the two sentences, after all.
Another problem I have with this sentence is the all seeing part. I'd rather replace all with everyone, and seeing with remembered - it conveys, in my opinion, your message better.
I notice you have, once again, negelcted your commas. Well, I advise adding them in between the underlined letters.
Typo: thought
For a funeral speech, I think the father can use a better word than that. Even a simple word like received would have been adequate.
Did you mean off? Also, "without a hitch" is inappropriate for this text, what with it being a cliché.
I especially enjoyed your conclusion - a better one nobody could have written. As for the rest, it is an outstanding story written by one with outstanding talent. Well done on a truly moving piece.
Rating for this text: four and a half stars (outstanding)
This is beautiful. I can't review it. I love it so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much. I am literally on the brink of tears. :'(
~Cat
BlackSheep! This is incredibly touching, my goodness! I think you nailed all of the emotional strong points, and your story has achieved all it needs to in order to survive as a stand alone story. The ending was pleasantly surprising. I liked how the gender expectations were reversed, where it was the girl who went to war for the honour of her lover.
I love how you've told the story, through the speech of a mournful father. You have given the reader a great idea of her relationships with her family, her father, her friend who was actually her fiance, all in a few sweet words. This is no mean feat, well done. I would go as far to say that you have natural talent for the art of the short story. You don't leave us starving for information, because this story seems exactly as long as it needs to be in order to leave us satisfied with the conclusion. I know how much of a challenge this is, because I have attempted flash fiction to try and pull off the sense of a full story in few words... I found myself at over 2500! So well done. While the story as a whole is very strong, there are a few technical errors which I pointed out below:
Perhaps add something to make it clear that this happened in the past, like "...all seeing the sixteen year old girl in their mind's eye, kneeling by the grave..."
Try "She hadn't cried...", again to improve the tense. You've got the tense right in the rest of your sentence interestingly enough.
You could add a paragraph between "hearts." and ""Well...."
"It worried her Mother and I both, but we never thought" (note the comma)
"had died"
You can say "His body", since there is no doubt who we are discussing in this paragraph.
"...what's going on in my mind "
Maybe instead of a comma here, a full stop or ellipses. I feel like the last part of the phrase is significant enough to stand alone, not to mention the sentence could use some shortening.
"...mine or Wren's"
You forgot to close the quotations here.
"...went off..."
You have 2 options here, either "the family parted ways" or "the family departed", not both.
Hope you found this helpful! Great job.