z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Present Does not Fix the Past: Chaper I (Updated)

by Mersize, Mersize


Chapter l: The beginning.

Saturday, January 31st, 1993. Sunrise was starting and it seemed like it would be a beautiful morning and day as well. In New York, United States; There was Seiji Skylenther, a nerd and lonely boy, who was about to start attending college (Pace University, New York) Due to his desire of increasing his knowledge, he ruled himself to wake up every day at 5 a.m. in the morning. It was Sunday in the morning and his mother was watching the news, as typical. Since they only had one TV he had to get used to the fact that he always had to watch the news as well. The news was broadcasting a report about people being killed, 7 people who were not identify. After watching the news, Seiji started to read some books about robotics because he wanted to create something huge. He interested in building something that has been in wonder of so many people.

There was nothing which did not cross his mind. He was interested in creating an arm, but he thought that it would not be that huge. Then, in the book he was reading, he found something that grabbed his attention. And it was a Time Machine. He realized that it was something really big and controversial around the world. That is why started to read blogs about “How to build a Time Machine.” He said that it was going to be a long way and that he would give his best because he knew it would worth it. Then at midday, he had his lunch and watched TV; he had to prepare his own lunch because his mother was out buying supplies for the coming week.

In the afternoon he kept searching for more information about building a Time Machine. During the reading he came up with a name for it, which was X-fly. He did not give to himself a break; he was only focused on building the X-fly. He spent the whole afternoon studying. Even though he was so clever and organized, his work was sort of lackadaisical. When it came the time to put his hands into working, he was not really good at it. A couple of hours later, he had his dinner. After dinner, he firmly tidied all his stuff up and pulled out from his wardrobe the cloth that he was about to wear in order to be presented at college. While reading, he started to nod off and due to that he went to bed.

February made its appearance and it was the day, the day to appear at college for the first time. He woke up at 5 o’clock in the morning and began to put on his cloth. When he got dressed, he had his breakfast and watched the news as always. The reports about people being assassinated were getting very common in New York. Looking at the bright side, all these murders were only people who were involved in illegal acts. In a few words, these people were bad. Seiji was ready! His mother wished him luck and he said that he was not going to need such absurd thing. He waited the bus for a short period of time. When the bus stopped at the bus station, he had in mind that he was going to be by his own.

Lonesome he was; no friends he had; the best he thought it was though. He arrived at college and stared at it for a while. He began to see many things such as different people, clothes, girls, and so on. He went to administration so as to get his schedule and the name of his teachers. After that, he went to the first class, where he saw the different groups that were being set up the Freak, the Popular, the Badass, the Nerds, in which he belonged to, and the rest. He was not good at talking to girls and boys, because he had never had neither of them as friend.

“This is going to be like the other times in the School and High School with no friends, no fun, nothing,” Seiji said.

Annoying people are always everywhere and here it was not the exception. The group called “Ragknaro”, which was the most vexatious group in the entire university, did not show up. These guys neither care about their academic status nor their professional profiles. They almost never attended classes; they did not care about that whatsoever. The group is integrated by stupid boys from 4 year and these crappy boys loved harming, making fun of, and bullying boys from the 1st and 2nd years. They are basically from 1st and some from 2nd year but they have been there for four years; they have failed in sundry subjects. That is why, they are Seiji’s classmates. Thus, it was quite calm the first day.

“How was your first day?” Seiji’s mom asked.

“Pretty well I think. Seiji responded.

Seiji kept working on the X-fly; rather, searching for extended information since he arrived from college at midday. He, as always, focused on the reading of lots of books. We know that he was so sluggish, so it means that he was just reading and not putting his hands into action. The reading thing wrapped it up for that day and the second day came into view. Seiji woke up at the same time and got ready to his second day at college. Meanwhile he was having his breakfast; his mother asked him if he had made any friends.

“You already know that I am not good at talking to people mom,” Seiji responded.

The second day arose and being by his own is what he was accustomed to. It was a normal day for him, since he dealt with nothing unusual. His History teacher assigned him an assignment. Once again the Ragknaro guys did not assist classes, so it was going good so far, although they were outside classes, annoying other boys.

“Is this homework?” Seiji inquired to himself. “This is as easy as eating pie,” Seiji also said.

According to Seiji, days without challenges are half-days, so the two first days at college had been half-days. Due to his days of hard working, he felt sort of low battery while he was in classes. However, his classes were the easiest one ever. Hence, it was not an issue whatsoever. He kept on the reading the whole week.

“There is no stepping forward on this Machine, I need to put even more effort on this thing if I want to discover or create something. May be later,” Seiji said.

During his reading, he realized that he needed some artifacts and tools in order to start, but he did not have the enough money to purchase them. As a consequence, he went to his mom and obtained the money.

“You should get a job,” Seiji’s mother said.

“I do not have the time to work or even to be wasting my time trying to get a job,” Seiji said.

“Then I forbid you to ask me for money again, I will only give you your allowance and no more,” Seiji’s mom said.

“Fine,” Seiji said.

The first week had been so normal for Seiji so far. Nothing relevant happened during that week. He kept reading, studying and increasing his wisdom. His laziness did not permit him to advance in anything; he was too lazy, lonely and bored.


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324 Reviews


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Mon May 26, 2014 6:47 pm
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Evander wrote a review...



Hey,

Raven here for a review!

I understand this is a draft. But, I am going to review anyway.

Nitpicks!

The next day came, and he had to attend college, so he got dress and took the bus.

Stuff in bold: That would look better dressed.

Every time someone speaks you start a new paragraph. Like so:

A child sat by the window sill, singing: "Rain, rain, go away."

"Come again," his sister had chimed in. "some other day."

"All the children want to play." Their mother - who had been listening from the kitchen - finished the melody.


Also, when you speak, you so not say: "I love pie! I said." Would say: "I love pie!" I said. And if you have something inside a pair of double quotation marks, it means that is being said. Make sense?

Your character sounds like a smart guy. He is working on a time machine! That is cool.

But, you need to show, not tell. Maybe you could add some detail.

Hope this helps!

Raven,




Evander says...


And Wolfare1 got their review in before me...



Wolfare1 says...


Haha!!! I am too awesome for you!



Mersize says...


Thank you for reviewing! I will add more details, as much as I can! I am first time writer and I did not know a lot, just a bit. I have written 18 chapter so far, it means I have lots of things to add, OMG! jejeje But thank you I do appreciate your review :D



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Mon May 26, 2014 6:25 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Mersize, Wolf here for a review.
First some little things:

“This is going to be like the other times in the School, and High School with no friends, no fun, nothing, Seiji said”.

Two little things here:
1.) When there is new dialogue, a new paragraph needs to be started.
2.) Only the dialogue is in the quotation marks. So it would be instead:
"This is going...no fun, nothing," Seiji said.
“No friends, no distractions, Seiji thought”.

Usually thoughts are not put in quotation marks. Instead they are italicized. So it would be:
No friends, no discractions, Seiji thought.
...he realized that he needed some artefacts and tools in order to continue...

Typo: I'm pretty sure it should be artifacts.

Enough of that. So onto some other minor issues. So I understand that is a draft and there is still lots of work to be done, but even drafts may need a bit of critique. The pacing is a little fast. The story went through an entire day in three sentences (beginning paragraph). Try to go into more depth of how he spends his day. For example, this machine he's working on. What's it look like? How does he know it's a time machine? He plans on it being a time machine, but it doesn't look like it's finished yet, so how does he even know it works?

This for the most part, is a large information dump. The story tells exactly what's going on. Don't tell us, show us. It is much more interesting that way. It'll hook more people, and it will really help when the plot is trying to advance. Go into details of his surroundings. What's his house look like? Where is his house in proximity to everything else? What about his college? What do these people look like? How does he know about these groups? What gives him the tip off?

Think about those questions when editing this draft. Finally, vocabulary. To make things more interesting in a conversation, try including different words other than 'said', 'replied', or 'thought'. Spicing things up is very important when writing a successful chapter or piece.

This is a pretty interesting topic. Time travel is always something humanity is interested in, and I can't wait to see how you incorporate it. Your work shows a lot of potential, and with enough practice and nurturing it will be really beautiful. Remember, I'm only trying to help. I'm sorry if this seemed a bit harsh. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare




Mersize says...


Thank you for reviewing :D You are awesome! I know I have to include more words, different words. I just wanted to see what people think of it. I will do what you suggest. :D



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151 Reviews


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Reviews: 151

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Mon May 26, 2014 4:00 pm
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review...



Hi, mate. This is pinkie. I am here to do a review on your story. Wait here as I put my glasses on. *Puts on the glasses* Great. Okay, let's me check your work.

Mmmm...I see you did a draft. Don't worry! I am a kind person to review this.

For your first day or second day, you did a great job on the chapter. You kept on the chapter connected with the plot. Great job, sir. However, you got some grammar errors on here. I know this is a draft, but I know you get back to correct it after you get more points. Anyway, you need to put the quote after the commas while you are doing a dialogue. But hey, we do make mistakes as writers. If you kept on writing, you will get better. I hope you publish the chapter and check for grammars errors. Anyway, have a great day.

Keep writing! :)

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13

P.S.: Welcome to YWS!




Mersize says...


I am aware of that. :D Look, I have written 18 chapters so far. It means I have many things to add, to check, and to change.
Thank you for reviewing :)

P.S.:_




You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender