(1075 words for the Last Man Standing contest)
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Waves crashed against the shore, and wind tugged at Riralai's shirt, as if pushing her back to the fortress - place where she belonged, where she was safe.
She ignored it. Her eyes - in the green colour which she shared with her younger sister and both illegitimate brothers, colour traditionally connected to all the royals of the Southern Empire - were locked on the horizon, where dark mist rested over the ocean. The water was calmer there, almost as if it was a whole different sea from the one beneath the rock she stood on. If there wasn't for the soft movement of the mist, which showed silhouettes of some denser, darker objects seemingly floating on the water's surface, it would've seemed like painted on canvas.
It's closer than before, a thought crossed her mind. It knotted her stomach as she thought about it, but she stayed calm. If the Labyrinth was after her, it would catch her, one way or another - the Will of the Dollmaker, people called it, or sometimes, for some reason, even the Magic's Will - there was no escape from it, and living in fear of something unescapable never appealed to her much.
A set of footsteps approached behind her back, and she slightly turned her head to a side to show she's heard them.
"What is it?"
"A word from the Count, my lady." She turned to the young man standing there, and almost smiled at her own thoughts - he was young for his post, perhaps, and young compared to Iluan, but still older than her. She waited for him to hand her the letter, but he just licked his lips and kept talking instead. "It's not a letter, my lady, just a message from the palace." He cleared his throat. "The king has died, and he'll be needed in the castle for a couple more days."
She nodded slowly. "I see... Thank you."
Her eyes skimmed his clothes and appearance. He looked tired, and there was mud on his boots, telling of the fact he probably walked from the port to the fortress once a ship left him there. She wondered when he left the castle on the mainland, and smiled a comforting smile as she noticed his eyes darting towards the Labyrinth's mists.
"Please," she added in a gentle voice. "Take your time to rest, I have no message for Iluan just yet. If you're hungry, tell the women in the kitchen that I sent you."
For a moment, a smile lit up his face, and he bowed to her. "Thank you, my lady."
*
She waited for him to leave, and for the sky to get darker, before turning her back to the sea and walking to the fortress again. She made sure to walk quickly enough not to give anyone time to ask her anything, yet slowly enough not to encourage anyone to ask if anything was wrong, and locked the door of her chambers as she entered.
Alone in the room now lit by candles and warmed up to a pleasant temperature, she allowed herself a sigh. She wasn't surprised that Iluan didn't send her anything but a general message about the happenings in the castle - it wasn't his style to use too many words when a few would be enough - but she couldn't help feeling slightly disappointed, having expected a letter in which he'd tell her about his talk with his father and his final approval of their marriage.
"No one with good news to share will send a messenger instead of writing the words himself," her mother used to say. She knew very well there was a big possibility Iluan's father would never approve of his marriage to her - after all, she was the daughter of an opponent, and although their countries were at peace, neither of the rulers wished for that kind of bond - yet really facing that scenario felt worse than just thinking about it.
Sina would call you stupid, she told herself. She had called her stupid, on more than one occasion since Riralai first told their father about Iluan. A part of her wondered if the king's blessing would've changed the way her family looked at their marriage.
She shook her head, turning to the bed.
She shrugged her coat off her shoulders, then slowly untied her dress and let it fall on the floor by her feet, and just stood like that for a long couple of moments. She enjoyed the feeling of freedom the lack of clothes always brought her. The way how, sometimes, she could feel the air twirling on top of her skin, even with no wind. The way the temperature of her body slowly leveled with that of the room, and gentle chills ran down her spine, and how the shadows danced across the room, creating marks over her arms, her stomach, her chest, making every curve sharper, every shadow deeper.
With a small smile, she absentmindedly ran her hand down her side, following the line of her ribs, closing her eyes as she imagined her fiancé being there. It had been more than a week since she's last seen him - as much as her heart missed his words and smiles, her body missed the way his touch felt against her skin.
Always a tiny bit colder, no matter how much time passed. She took her one hand into the other, observing her fingers for a couple of seconds, before letting her arms fall down her sides and closing her eyes again, imagining Iluan's face and smiling to freedom as she stretched.
In some ways, that freedom - and the one she felt whenever she thought about her fiancé - reminded her of her childhood, of days when she used to play with Neri and teach Phys and Sina swimming, back home in the much colder seas of the South. They had no worries then, no political intrigues to think about, no enemies to be afraid of. The mists of the Labyrinth were further from the shore there than they were here, and they could be safe and selfish, free to just be children.
Not that that freedom lasted for very long.
She slipped on a nightgown, unbraiding her hair and letting it hug her shoulders like a dark cloud, before turning to the table by one of the tall windows and taking a piece of paper. Once more she drew her fingers down her side, feeling the contours of her ribs even through the thin fabric, and then sat down and dipped the tip of the quill in black ink.
*
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139,276 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
Hi Aria!
And I understand the feeling that when you are building a whole new world with different customs and clothing and where everything is different just waiting for you to describe it and explain it, you feel the need to add more characters. It's hard to show how things are different from one place to another if you are stuck in a single characters body, and I fully get it! But even then, there are sequels for various reasons and I know it's hard but to help the reader feel less lost, there should be a limit on characters.
I won't mention the whole overload of character things anymore as I review because I think the focus being said here is enough. But I hope this is something you can edit and sort out. I will be out to read more soon! Even though I did give this little rant here, the chapter was brilliantly written and when it comes to aspects of the story like plot, info dumping and so on - there wasn't anything for me to criticize! It was all perfect <3
Back again for some more of your story! I think this is progressing a lot. I have a few points here which are to comment on the novel as a whole though. I think this chapter was pretty good on its own and with the reviews you have already had, there isn't really too much more I can add. So I am going to speak generally about the novel so far. I hope this doesn't come across as too negative though because I have a few points for thought, even though this is going nicely so far.
First, lets start with something good! I love how we have two characters where we know how they are supposed to connect! I was wondering when we would get some relations between the different stories we have been seeing, and now we have that! So yes, I am pleased to see this. It was also interesting to find out her opinions on their marriage and how she thinks it might work out. It does sound like she loves him though, so as long as that is her main motive...
But right now I would like to discuss something that I view as a major problem in the novel right now. You may not realise this because your the author and when you are, all the characters are like your own kids whose names you could never really forget. But if your the reader, right now I am feeling so confused. Honestly. I can't remember some of the characters we have been introduced to and I feel like we are meeting new ones every chapter without revisiting the old ones! I feel lost, and it took me quite a while to even remember who Iluan was.
Now, I also know you have big plans for this novel, which is wonderful
Another problem to having too many is that we never get enough time with each of the characters. We end up jumping from one to another and you never get to know a person, let alone a character that way very well. On top of that, there is no room for character development, or only so a minimum space given for it, when character development is one of the essential ingredients for a good story.
This chapter, although beautifully written and brimming with lovely language, I felt like it didn't really add much to my understanding of anything that was happening and didn't add anything to my knowledge of this novel. Yes, we got a brief reminder of the Labryinth and got to see that it also calls upon other people, but apart from that there was nothing new to intrigue me. So if you are planning on keeping this point of view or chapter in here, then make sure we get something from it being there! Every word should build towards that climax in your plot
I know, this was a bit of a harsh review and I am harrowing down on what I want to say a bit
Deanie x
I'm back again AriaAdams!
Yet another amazing chapter, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I could find no mistakes, good job. I really like all your descriptions, especially the way the air feels on her bare skin. I love it! I am on to another chapter in a few moments, at this rate there will be no more chapters to read very shortly!
~Kelpies
Hi there! I'm back for another awesome chapter!
One thing I have to say, you never disappoint when it comes to descriptions. I'm a dialogue writer myself and I always struggle getting those descriptions in and just writing stuff that isn't dialogue. But seriously, you're so good at it.There isn't much dialogue in this chapter at all and I was still quite interested and couldn't stop reading. I think that's most definitely your strong point. You are able to tell us this story through descriptions and through the minds of your characters.
You're also doing a good job keeping up with all the royalty and kingdoms here. I'm sure that's not hard seeing as that's what the novel is about really, but I just wanted to point it out. You've done a good job portraying each of the families here and keeping it realistic. To be honest, I don't know much about monarchies and royal families and such, but everything you're saying makes sense and works. Keep that up.
There isn't anything in this chapter that I found that needs corrections or anything so good job with that. I'll continue on to the next chapter soon and hopefully I won't be late with my review again :3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Aria! I'm back! Muahahaha...
I was actually really excited to see this chapter posted up. Mainly because I have no idea where you're going with your story and thus am insanely intrigued.
Main Points
Interesting tidbit of information there. Now we know why Phys (I hope I spelt it right) is not in line to the throne, instead passing on to his sister. We also now know why he wasn't treated all that well by her as well.
like it was painted on a canvas
You have some really beautiful descriptions in this paragraph.
This is really wordy and thus becomes a clunky read. Try something simpler like
approached from behind
I know adjectives are intensely disliked but saying smiled comfortingly would soundmuch
better than repeating “smile” in such close vicinity.
“Really” doesn't really flow here, try “actually”.
I'm going to boldly guess that this is the other illegitimate brother.
Oakey dokey! A couple more things I'd like to mention.
-I wish we knew a little more about the rock she was standing on at the beginning. I know this sees strange but seeing as she's standing on it for most of the chapter it is a big part of the immediate environment. So is it a solitary rock? It doesn't seem like it seeing as the messenger was able to approach from behind. So then was it on a beach? A beach that's part of an island? Or maybe it's not a sandy beach but a rocky one? I mean the sea gets some amazing descriptions but the poor rock...
-One more thing is that I mentioned in a previous review that your sentences tend to get overly wordy. That still stands for this chapter. Look for simpler ways to say things, clarity is always more important than beauty. I do understand though that this is for TLMSC and you have to bang this out pretty quickly in a week, but just remember this when you're editing.
Besides that your plot is looking great. We got to meet Riralai which is also pretty awesome and I think she's pretty cool. Are you doing a different point of view for every single chapter? If so that's pretty unique and it's nice to see narrative styles being experimented with. I look forward to your next chapter. Keep it up and happy writing!
Silverlock
Hi Aria!
I haven't read the rest of the story yet, but I think there's a few things I can try and help with.
For one thing are you missing a word in this sentence: "as if pushing her back to the fortress - place where she belonged, where she was safe."? Should there be a The? It seems like there should be a article there.
Next, the aside about her eyes being a royal colour and shared with her siblings. I think that's significant information and deserves it's own sentence somehow. Maybe worked around the observations about the sea instead of inside it.
I don't know anything about the labyrinth, or whether you've mentioned it in a previous chapter, but I love it. Very sinister.
Next Nitpick in this sentence ""The king has died, and he'll be needed in the castle for a couple more days." for a second I though He'll referred to the king. Yes I'm stupid, but maybe throw an extra noun in there?
That's really all I have to say, other than I love Rirali and the Labyrinth. I do plan on going back and reading the rest of the story (in my alleged spare time).
Why, hello there. This is Jared with another review.
First, I'll start with some nitpicks. Offending parts will be enclosed in brackets, as will additions.
Rephrase to: "...as if pusher her back to the fortress; the place where she belonged, where she was safe." Also, avoid using '-'. There are alternative ways to express a break like that.
Rephrase to: "Her eyes, the green color which she shared with her younger sister and both illegitimate brothers, were locked on the horizon, where dark mist rested over the ocean." This is rephrased while omitting "color traditionally connected to all the royals of the Southern Empire".
Add [it was] (as seen in the quote) and change [there] to [it].
Simplify to: "It's closer than before, she thought."
Change [a] to [the] side. This is a minor thing, really, but it's just odd.
There's no need to italicize that dialogue, considering you didn't italicize any other dialogue in the chapter yet.
Praising time. I felt that, if edited properly, this could make a good published novel. It's sophisticated, certainly, as far as novels go.
Besides the errors I outlined, you did very well conforming to the general rules of a good novel. I can obviously see character development, even having not read any of your previous entries (I may now). I can see in a manner of time she has gone from a child to a woman with responsibilities.
The best thing is that this would sell itself to a large audience. It has aspects in novels that many different people would find interesting. Obviously, this is set in a medieval-like period of princesses, princes, kings and palaces. You also manage to distance this from a simple children's story with small instances like this:
One of the greatest sins in writing is to forget who you're writing for, and I believe you haven't.
First off hey there fallen here for this very happy review day, I apologize for typos if there are any. So lets get started first off, Love how you use the ma'lady and medieval setting its difficult to do well but you mastered that quite well. Also I enjoyed how it your main characters weren't inhuman, what I mean is that you made them like normal humans with their difficulties not able to destroy hundred with a single glance or memorize all. It's very essential not to do that because it lessens the effect of your story you did a good job at that. As for your plot I found it fascinating and full of possibilities. Next, your imagery was spot on you didn't over explain/describe everything and the details that were useless. and you didn't under describe just right. I enjoyed how you ended it as well with no cliff hangers while that eliminates the suspense of wanting to read the next part it aids in tying up loose ends and aiding in your story all in all. Now on to the bads, I found the middle dry and slightly redundant as you explain she gets up, she thinks, she braids her hair. You could simply say that she got ready but this is your story and this is only my opion not a suggestion towards change. Beside that the story was good and I can't wait to read more from you and this story over all Best of luck old chap.
~Fallen