z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Team World Adventure Episode 2 Part 1

by PatchworkStudy


Sonic and Fern trudged into the castle the next morning, heads hung and looking irritated.

Ryn was waiting for them in the throne room, her purple and white dress already on. "Geez, what happened to you?" she asked, her brow furrowing.

"Well, we…"

Fern stomped on his foot. As Sonic started hopping up and down holding his damaged foot, Fern snarled, "That idiot made us lose our Chaos Emeralds! Carmine's teleported them to random locations!"

Ryn blinked. "OK, calm down. Sonic, your foot will be fine." She crossed her arms, her thinking face on. "Now tell me the story again."

Fern and Sonic didn't hesitate on telling Ryn about the entire ordeal; from Starlight Carnival to Carmine getting away to the misdirection to the realization that they'd been tricked. When they were done, Ryn sighed and facepalmed.

(Music Insert: PPGZ OST Track 20 – Juvenile Misdemeanor)

"Sonic Maurice Hedgehog, do you have any idea how much danger the world could be in because we lost some sparkly, multicolored, ridiculously powerful gems?!" she scolded.

"One, yes," Sonic replied flatly. "Two, don't use my awful middle name in front of Midori."

"I'm too ticked off to make fun of you," Fern grumbled.

Before Ryn could get another word in, Sonic had already retreated to the Dororo Corner of Woe, and Fern ranted to herself angrily in the opposite side of the room.

Now, as sidekick-in-training, Ryn knew that there was an unlikely chance that she could get the two to make up, since Sonic was obviously comatose and Fern was stubborn.

She would need some help.

That surprised her a little. Ryn had only asked for help from other people on very few occasions, like how she had Chaos to revive Sonic in their last climactic adventure or how she had asked Shadow and Silver to help her fix some time travel shenanigans. But those two times were because of something she did, not what Sonic or Fern did.

But who could she ask? As much as she liked Tails, she didn't think she could ask him. Shadow had disappeared mysteriously, and Silver was back in the future. Kululu and Keroro were out of the question. Then who?

She sighed. There was only one person she could visit, then.

**************

Meanwhile, other matters went down.

You see, if you went to the other side of the Violet Castle, you would get to see the more strange residents. These residents happened to be the 2nd part of Team World Adventure, the dynamic Milky Twins.

The Milky Twins surely were, in a word, unique. They were a pair of runaways that Sonic encountered on their first big adventure, and they integrated themselves into the group as they went along. The fraternal sisters were always causing trouble or doing something entertaining, which made them a handful.

Well…half of them, anyway. The older twin (by about 5 minutes) was named Milkshake Milky. Milkshake was excitable and eccentric and hyper, and loved sweets, making friends, and doing crazy stunts. She was a small girl, with her cream hair and her red sailor hat, which she never failed to wear every day.

The trouble with Milkshake was that she wasn't the creamiest shake in the soda shop, so to speak. She was always dragging her twin into very random escapades, most of them because Milkshake always failed to think things through or was just being dumb in general. While she was one of the nicest people ever, it was obvious that she's unbelievably airheaded.

The other twin was named Buttermilk. She was like the polar opposite of her sister—shy, quiet, gloomy, and sensible. Buttermilk was a mellow child, and she usually felt opposed to Milkshake's various ideas for stunts. She had longer hair than her sister's, which was put into two flowing pigtails held by a pair of brown bows.

Buttermilk preferred to stay out of trouble and mind her own business, but something usually got in the way of that thanks to Milkshake's antics. She was also on the sad side, being more upset over their bad childhood than Milkshake was, and therefore didn't talk as much. But that wasn't to say Buttermilk didn't know how to have fun—she enjoyed pranks and tricks as much as her sister did.

However, half of the things that happened while the Milky Twins were around wasn't entirely their fault. More of it was their assumed guardians' faults.

Milkshake and Buttermilk eventually befriended the Keroro Platoon, who had crash-landed in front of the castle one day a good while after Adventure City came to be. Sergeant Keroro and Sergeant Major Kululu became their guardians out of default, and the fact that Milkshake seemed to have a very special connection with Kululu.

And that was exactly what was going to happen today.

"Ooooookay!" Keroro said to Kululu and the Twins that morning. "I got something very interesting to tell you three, and it involves air travel!"

Milkshake squealed, Buttermilk clapped lightly and Kululu rolled his eyes behind his glasses.

Keroro took out a Chinese crown and placed it on his head, and then whipped out a scroll. He opened the scroll dramatically, and the Twins eyes lit up. "We're going to Chun-nan, guys!"

"May I ask why?" Kululu asked in a deadpan.

"Well, for business, of course," replied Keroro. "I recently found out that since the Chinese invented firecrackers, the best place would be to get them at Chun-nan, which is essentially China. So, I thought that with enough of the high-power kind, we can blow the place sky-high and get the invasion of Adventure City over with."

Kululu smirked. "I think I approve of this, Sarge. Kukuku."

However, Milkshake and Buttermilk were too busy thinking of all the things to do in Chun-nan to really care about Keroro's plans.

*********

(Music Insert: PPGZ OST Track 24 – Victory Lap)

Ryn touched down in the leafy jungles of the esteemed Angel Island, trying to keep palm leaves from slapping her in the face. As much as she could have just gone and flew right to the pedestal, her jet pack needed recharging and she couldn't fly for now.

Now usually, Ryn didn't usually go to Angel Island. Mostly because ever since her first time in Sonic's dimension, she ended up getting the Master Emerald stolen because she didn't know Rouge's intentions with it. Ever since then, Knuckles told her to stay off Angel Island unless something of dire consequence happened, like Sonic suddenly could not run or the world was ending.

But, this was an emergency, so Knuckles' words were last thing on her mind.

Using her magic pen to draw a hunting knife, she slashed through the foliage as she looked around for the place she sought.

Soon, she found it. The glint of shining emerald was undeniable. Grinning, she poked her head out of the bushes and yelled, "Hi, Knuckles!" Smack. A fern leaf smacked her right in the face, making her sputter.

Knuckles, sitting promptly atop the Master Emerald, sighed at the sight of the small human girl waving to him somewhere in the fern-infested bushes.

Ryn stumbled out of the plant life and ran up to the pedestal, panting. "I need your help."

Knuckles raised an eyebrow. "OK, what happened this time?"

Ryn twiddled her fingers, softly saying, "Sonic was being a goof and lost all our Chaos Emeralds."

"That dork," Knuckles said angrily. He hopped off the Master Emerald, already heading down the steps. "Alright, let me go punch some sense into the cocky idiot."

Ryn smiled to herself, following him. "Wait for me!"

**********

Meanwhile, at the castle, Sonic was still in his comatose state, mumbling some sort of madness mantra under his breath.

"Are you ever going to come out of your little Tamaki moment?" Fern asked, her eyes narrowed and arms folded. "You're boring when you're insecure."

Sonic groaned.

The doorbell rang. Sonic hopped out of the corner and dashed to the door, spirits already lifted. He opened the door with a flourish, surprised to see who it was. "Knux, bud—"

SMASH.

Sonic was punched across the room, making him splat on the opposite wall before sliding down to the floor.

He huffed. "What is this? "Everyone Beat Up Sonic Day?""

Fern gladly opened her mouth to throw an insult out, but Ryn put a hand over it.

Knuckles stomped over to Sonic's landing spot. "The only reason I'm not throttling you right now is because you can't search for Chaos Emeralds if you're dead. Not let's go." He grabbed Sonic by the collar of his shirt and dragged him out the door.

Ryn and Fern watched them leave.

"Ahem," Ryn coughed, looking pointedly at Fern.

Fern glared at her for a good three minutes and sighed. "Fiiiiine, I'll go too," she grumbled and headed out.

Ryn smiled. "Another day, another misadventure."

**********

(Music Insert: Soul Eater OST 2 Track 1 – In his mind…)

Kululu was getting the hovercraft ready to go as the other three got their things.

"I can't believe we're going to Chun-nan," said Milkshake. "I've never been there!"

"There's a first time for everything," said Buttermilk, smiling.

Keroro chuckled to himself, proud of himself for coming up with such a good plan. Yeah, it was true that his intention was to get firecrackers for invading, but in reality he just wanted to get to see Chun-nan and buy stuff without Kululu or Milkshake questioning any of it.

His train of thought was interrupted as Kululu shut the hood of the hovercraft, announcing, "Ready."

"Excellent!" Keroro cheered, grabbing his bag and hopping in. "This will be the best trip ever~! Kerokerokerokero!"

"As the Chinese say, "Spasibo!"" Milkshake said cheerfully as she jumped into the hovercraft. Buttermilk followed her in, shaking her head.

Kululu laughed and started the craft, taking them up, and out the window with a moment's notice.

"Wheeeeeeeee!" Milkshake cheered.

**********

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Well, Carmine is pretty stupid."

The first Chaos Emerald, the yellow one, hadn't been that hard to find. As Fern, Sonic, and Knuckles got a good while away from Adventure City, they reached the canyon land that led to Tropical Resort and Seaside Hill. And, as they walked by, the yellow emerald was perched on top of a very, very, very high ledge.

Fern felt almost humiliated by the easiness of the task. However, the only downsides were that she knew that the canyon rock was very unstable and that if Sonic tried to run up it the rock would probably break. And Fern would never allow something to hurt Sonic besides herself.

However, Knuckles didn't spend much time near Adventure City or Tropical Resort, so he smiled and threw his fist into the rock before Fern could do anything.

As soon as Knuckles' fist hit the rock, a good deal of the rock above started to slide down to wear the three were.

"OUT OF THE WAY!" Sonic yelled, grabbing Fern's and Knuckles' hands and pulling them away from the falling boulders.

The rocks fell long and hard towards the ground, creating small tremors as Sonic pulled the duo to safety.

After the dust had settled, Sonic released their hands and Fern looked at him indignantly, blushing hard. "There was no need for that."

"I'm a hero. It's natural. You're welcome."

Fern glared at him, and then headed into the rocky pile. After looking around a while, she picked up the emerald stuck in a cranny of the crumbly boulders. "One down, six to go."

Knuckles and Sonic exchanged proud glances.

***********

(Music Insert: Sonic Colors OST – Aquarium Park Map)

By the time Keroro, Kululu, Milkshake and Buttermilk reached Chun-nan, three out of four were fast asleep.

Kululu smacked Keroro on the head. "We're here, Sergeant."

Keroro's brown eyes opened and he sat up, eager to see the place.

Chun-nan was a bustling, traditional, exciting little town. Asian buildings and temples were abundant as people walked to and fro among the numerous shops and houses. The smell of freshly made food and various types of music wafted through the streets, making the entire town seem comfortable. It was a perfect representation of Asian taste.

Keroro jumped out of the hovercraft, taking a shopping bag with him. "Kero!" He turned to the other three and announced, "I'll be back in a half an hour!" And with that, he sped off, laughing in delight.

Kululu sweatdropped. How come I must have the most incompetent person in the universe as my boss?

Milkshake and Buttermilk got out after him, whooping with glee. "WAIT FOR US, KERORO-SENPAI!"

Kululu facepalmed.

However, unbeknownst to the happy group, someone in a Chinese hat and a long, black ponytail watched them with silent resentment.

***********

(Music Insert: Sonic Colors OST – Tropical Resort Map)

"We have to do what now?"

Knuckles facepalmed. "It looks like that according to our radar, the second Chaos Emerald is hidden in Mitoko Hashiyagi's mansion."

"Who is that?" Sonic asked, hedgehog ears twitching.

Fern glared at him. "Could you stop with the stupid questions? We have some work to do here."

The trio was now in the back courtyard of said rich girl's home, more specifically right behind the house's back wall. Fern, upon hearing such statements, immediately asked Sonic to let her on his shoulders so she could gaze into Mitoko's bedroom.

Sonic sighed warily, but held out his hands so Fern could get on. Fern nodded and stepped onto Sonic's hands before swinging herself up to his shoulders. He gasped lightly. "Geez, woman! Since when were you this heavy?"

Fern gave him a death glare that would make Shadow proud. "Are you saying I'm fat?!"

"NO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!" Sonic's voice went about two octaves higher.

"Would you two shut up and finish the job?" Knuckles yelled, hoisting Sonic carefully onto his own shoulders. Sonic wanted to slap himself for forgetting Knuckles' strength.

Fern rolled her eyes and slowly put her head in the window.

Sure enough, the red emerald was perched on a glass case in Mitoko's room. Fern speculated that the girl must have found it lying around the courtyard or something.

Making sure Sonic wasn't about to let his back break, she gave herself a light spring and jumped onto the windowsill.

She made sure no one was seeing, and then went into the room.

It was typical – silk bed sheets on the bed, woven curtains, fancy paw-legged tables and chairs, a full china tea set on the fanciest one, and then, of course, the Chaos Emerald, sitting on a fine orange pedastal.

Fern grinned and took a step forward, ready to take the emerald before anyone caught her.

Doorknob.

CRAP.

Fern looked around frantically, her mind spinning for a way to escape. Thinking quickly, she yanked open the closet and dived in.

Sonic and Knuckles, on the other hand, managed to pull themselves up to the windowsill.

The door of the bedroom opened to reveal Mitoko.

Fern gasped.

Mitoko wore a fancy red-orange and white ball gown with small flame designs on it that sparkled from the generous amounts of glitter. She had on a pair of white lace gloves and a pair of black dress shoes, and a red tiara on her head. She had orange eyes and her hair was fire-red.

It was Combustor Carmine. In a human form! Fern racked her brain, wondering why she didn't notice before. Stupid Egghead! On their world adventure before TWA was formed, Eggman had accidentally released a wave of excess dark Chaos energy. Mitoko must have been hit and turned into Carmine! And of course her real form would be of some prissy rich kid. Fern wanted to punch something.

"I'll be down in a second, Mommy!" Mitoko called downstairs. "I need to find my scarf!"

Mitoko looked about the room, and started to get dangerously close to the closet.

Fern braced herself.

Just as Mitoko was about to put a hand on the closet door, she looked to the side. "Oh, there it is!" She took the feathered scarf and placed it around her neck before heading back downstairs.

Fern sighed with relief.

Gaining her bearings back, she quickly opened the closet door, came out, snatched the Chaos Emerald off its pedestal and hopped out the window.

"WHAT THE F—"

All three went crashing down. Knuckles landed on his head, Sonic landed on his face and Fern landed on Sonic.

Knuckles weakly stated, "2 down, 5 to go."

Sonic groaned. "Why me…"

***********

(Music Insert: PPGZ OST Track 8 – A Day in the Lab)

While Sonic, Fern, and Knuckles tended to their own problems, Keroro and Milkshake went along their own business.

Milkshake waved a sheathed weapon in front of Buttermilk's face. "Look, Butter-chan! Look what I got!"

"Um…"

"It's an authentic samurai sword!" Milkshake clarified, not letting Buttermilk finish. "Real metal and everything! Can you imagine what chopping up the carrots for dinner will be like with this thing?"

Buttermilk's eyelids drooped immediately. "I don't think you understand…"

Suddenly, before Kululu or Keroro could say something on the matter, an arrow shot by their heads.

A sharp one.

The four turned their heads to the top of a temple, revealing what looked like a very shadow-faced girl in Chinese clothing.

"Hey! You kind of almost hit us with your arrow! Be more careful next time, okay?" Milkshake waved to the stranger as cheerfully as if she was saying hi to the mailman.

The girl's eyes narrowed and she raised the bow again. "Die."

Milkshake blinked once as an arrow came soaring towards her head. Ducking, the arrow pierced right below the first one.

"Who are you?" Keroro said.

The girl dropped from her perch and landed in front of the temple. "My name is Li Xiao and I'm here to assassinate you!" She raised the bow again, with three arrows ready in her hand.

"Assassinate us?!"

(Music Insert: PPGZ OST Track 17 – Wafoo)

Li didn't hesitate. The arrows launched from the bow and the four dived away.

Buttermilk looked at Milkshake. "Um…should we…?"

"Yep!" said Milkshake, getting to her feet.

Li Xiao's eyes went narrow again and she got out more arrows, firing at Milkshake repeatedly. Milkshake, however, was very quick and dodged the arrows, moving and snaking away. She actually looked like she was having fun.

Li got frustrated and started releasing arrows furiously as Milkshake practically danced away.

"You know, if it's taking you this long to hit me, you're not a good assassin, are you?" Milkshake questioned, her voice genuinely curious.

Li growled and launched one more arrow, making sure to be accurate.

Milkshake jumped up and did a midair flip, causing the arrow to slip right past her.

Li cursed.

Milkshake did a twirl and reached behind her. "Welp, I guess we better start battle right?" With a flourish, she whipped out two lollipop-shaped staves and pointed them dramatically at Li. "I hope you like sweets!"

Milkshake charged the lollipops, making them glow a furious pink. "Popsicle Rocket!"

A sudden red, white, and blue blast erupted from the sparking lollipops and hit Li square in the chest, sending her flying.

"Let the sweet battle begin, because you are going to lose!" Milkshake said ever-so-cheerfully, her bright red eyes glinting.

************

(Music Insert: Sonic Lost World OST – Snowball Waltz)

"She didn't."

"But she did."

"How the hell could she…"

"She's a psychotic idiot, remember?"

The four located the third emerald—the silver one—in a very, very, very stupid place.

Sweet Mountain.

Of all things.

Fern's eyebrow twitched from the stupidity of it all. "It's like she wants us to find these emeralds. Honestly, this is such a weird day."

"I've had worse," deadpanned Knuckles.

Sonic rolled his eyes. "Come on, guys. Sweet Mountain is the safest place on this planet."

Fern gave him a steely glare. "Yes. Despite the fact Egghead himself still has quite a grip on this place and therefore it's crawling with robots and death traps, yeah. This place is Disneyland."

Sonic sweatdropped. "You know, there are less snarky ways to put things."

"Can we go?" Knuckles said hastily.

Fern adjusted her hat and marched into the candy wonderland, with Sonic and Knuckles at her heels.

The place was just as they had seen. Mountains of sugar, fences of lollipops and numerous other gigantic goodies were the foundation of the small area. They passed rivers of root beer, trekked through snow made of ice cream and paths of gingerbread, but there were no Chaos Emeralds to be found.

"Where do you think we would find it?" asked Fern, looking at the cotton-candy-pink sky.

"Probably somewhere Carmine thinks we would least look to find it," said Sonic, his arms behind his head.

Knuckles and Fern stopped in their tracks and looked at Sonic.

Sonic opened his eyes and saw the looks of epiphany on their faces. After a small pop, his hedgehog ears returned and started to flick. "Um…why are you guys looking at me like that?"

"THAT'S IT!" Fern screeched, grabbing his shoulders and looking straight into his green eyes. "That's how we find them! Carmine put them in either painfully obvious or unreachable places to intimidate us! You're a genius! For once." She wrapped her arms around his torso and squeezed, making him blush yet feel unable to breathe. "Sonikku~"

Knuckles would've interrupted but he was having so much fun looking at Sonic's flat-eared, bewildered face he couldn't do it.

Two minutes later, the trio was standing around a manhole.

"Um…?"

"Just trust me," said Fern. "I remember seeing a passageway here. Knux, remove the cover."

Knuckles and Sonic looked at each other, shrugged, and complied. Knuckles placed his hands on the sides of the cover and yanked, ripping it out of the socket.

There was a dark, dank pit underneath.

Fern grinned in a way that mirrored Sonic's own sarcastic smile. "Come on, unless you're chicken," said Fern, hopping down.

Knuckles narrowed his eyes. "Oh no, you don't! Get back here!" Knuckles went in after her, and after Sonic groaned a bit, he went in, too.

"It's really dark in here."

"You don't say!" Sonic elbowed Knuckles in annoyance.

"Hey, Frizzletop, Captain Obvious," said Fern. "We have a mission to complete, if you don't mind."

"Sorry," the boys said in unison.

Silence ensued as the group made their way through the narrow tunnels.

Then, there was a small white glow.

"Yes! 3 down, 4 to go!"

*********

(Music Insert: Sonic Colors OST – Terminal Velocity Area)

Milkshake leaped into the air as the arrows flew past her. Li wasn't happy, and when Li wasn't happy she wouldn't stop shooting.

Milkshake dodged expertly before diving behind a wall to catch her breath.

"You're not going anywhere!"

Milkshake looked up to see Li jumping down from the top of the wall to land on her. Milkshake moved out of way as she saw a katana blade reaching her face.

"Gummi Worm Rope!" Milkshake called, and reels of gummi worms emerged from the lollipops. They grabbed Li's arms, and with an enormous tug, lifted Li off her feet and into a watermelon stand.

"MY MELONS!" the vendor cried.

Li glared at Milkshake, then charged at her with the sword in hand. Milkshake used her staves as makeshift swords as the two traded off and slashed rapidly, bright red eyes meeting hazy green ones.

Li raised a leg and attempted an aerial kick, but Milkshake stopped it by crossing her staffs as Li brought down the katana again.

Milkshake's sailor hat split in two.

Her eyes flashed with a hint of real anger, but she managed to compose herself. "That wasn't very nice," Milkshake said with forced sweetness. "But if you give up now I won't have to do something bad!"

"Save it for death, kid," Li spat, raising the katana once more.

Milkshake's eye twitched in her forced happiness as she blocked the attack, and for a second she glared at Li. Li caught the look in her eyes and slashed more, Milkshake dodging and blocking every move.

Annoying girl, Li thought angrily. Why won't she give up?

I'm not going to let this bad lady get the best of me, Milkshake thought determinedly as she rolled away from Li's stab. I'll have to be a bit faster, like Sonikku-senpai.

"Gobstopper!" Milkshake yelled, raising the lollipops and generating a giant candy before bringing it down on Li. Li jumped out of the line of fire, but Milkshake wasn't done yet.

"Skittle Bullets!" Milkshake trailed Li as the assassin made a run for it, firing her lollipops like guns on sticks.

Li ran as fast as her legs could carry her, making sure to move away from the dangerous candies.

Milkshake ran after her, confidence regained after getting an upper hand. But, as she chased Li back to the spot where Keroro and the rest were, she stopped dead.

Li pressed a knife to Kululu's throat, glaring daggers at Milkshake. "Try anything and the creepy scientist dies."

Buttermilk was on the ground weeping, and Keroro was at Li's legs, uselessly begging.

"And when I'm done with him, I'll kill the useless green one and then I'll kill the weak creamy-haired one," Li threatened.

Milkshake looked at Kululu. He didn't look scared—in fact, he looked as if this happened to him every day.

Milkshake looked to Buttermilk, who was looking at her with pleading eyes. "She took my wand away," she mouthed.

Milkshake glared icily at Li, whose face was blank but deadly.

"Now, you're ticking me off!" Milkshake yelled, and pointed her staffs at the assassin. "Licorice Whip!"

The licorice snapped at Li's hand, leaving an angry mark. "OW!" she cried out, dropping the knife and Kululu.

Kululu grinned and crawled back to the hover car, rummaging through the luggage.

Milkshake tackled Li to the ground, slapping her with her lollipops. "You're ticking me off…you're ticking me off…you're ticking me off…"

Kululu reached for his favorite space gun.

Li grabbed Milkshake's neck, lifting her into the air. "You'll pay for ALL of that, you little brat!"

"Leave her alone!" Buttermilk screamed, whacking Li over the head herself.

Soon, both twins were having fun beating on the assassin as Kululu loaded up his Keron Cannon.

"Stop it! Stop it!"

"MAKE US!"

BOOM.

Li was blasted into the wall, sliding down. She was covered in bruises and burns, from both the Twins beatings and the blaster.

Milkshake returned to her ditzy, sweet self. "Now, are you going to give up?"

"We have more firepower than you, so I think giving up would be best. Kukuku."

"YEAH!" Keroro said, leaping up. Everyone ignored him.

"I realize…when I've been defeated," panted the exhausted and beaten assassin. "But I will come back." She reached into her pocket and yelled, "Smoke bomb!"

A cloud of purple smoke, and the girl was gone.

Silence.

"I think we've had enough excitement for one day," said Kululu warily. "Let's go home."

"OK!"

"Yes, please."

"HEY!" said Keroro. "We didn't get to finish shopping!"

"Who cares about that?" Kululu said. "I knew from the start you weren't intending to do anything productive today anyway."

Keroro frowned as the group sailed away in the hovercraft, while Kululu and the Twins laughed.


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745 Reviews


Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

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Sun May 25, 2014 8:19 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



Hey hey, Patch! I'm Lumi, and this'll be really short, I promise.

First of all, I realize that you've already divided this episode into two parts, but holy wow this is enormous! I would suggest cutting each posted section to 5000 words, max. I usually do poetry on YWS, but I think 5k per installment is a general rule of courtesy. That said, I really did enjoy this because of the nostalgia goggles it gave me. You're good at capturing the characterization of Sonic and the general peppy, cartoonish theme of the series. That said, if you want this to be read as an episode (read: show), then I'd be much quicker to suggest a script format! I'm torn about this, though, because you have some good descriptions that add to the comedic value of the lines; even the lengthy descriptions of Milkshake and Buttermilk--though it's a nice introduction of character.

I halfway agree about the music inserts being distracting, but if you had links to the actual tracks, I wouldn't mind them at all. I'm a sucker for a good soundtrack, and I don't recall reading a piece on YWS that actually had an associated soundtrack. You could grab that niche and blow it up pretty nicely, I think. Your dialogue is characterized and your tags work for fluidity, so there's a lot here I approve of. There are some weird words here and there (i.e. staffs vs. staves, etc.)

Your action scene could use some sharpening for pacing. I'd like to see that cartoonish style continued into the fight scene both for continuity's sake, as well as, well, comedic value. You do get points for the classic smoke bomb vanish.

I hope this helps~






Thanks for reviewing! This helps a lot. I know, this is super lengthy, but this has two other parts after it and it's easier for myself to keep track of my stuff for episodes when I split it into less parts. Otherwise this would be like, six parts, haha.
In all honesty, I had no idea the plural for "staff" was "staves"! I'll be sure to fix that.
That's an excellent idea, to set up links for the music inserts. I'll do that!
Thanks again! Have a nice day!



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767 Reviews


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Reviews: 767

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Sun May 25, 2014 4:54 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello Patch, Wolf here for a review.

I must say this is very well done. Though it is a bit lengthy, and I would recommend splitting it into parts for the sake of reviewing. This is a very unique style and I really like how you've planned this out as like an actual TV show. Having seem most (all actually) of the Sonic episodes, I really feel you were able to capture the personalities of characters like Sonic and Knuckles.

So little technical things. I would recommend, when you post this stuff here on YWS, that you cut out the 'music insert's. Mostly because this is sort of distracting, wondering what this music will be.

The older twin (by about 5 minutes) was named Milkshake Milky.

Another thing, though there is nothing wrong hour having them, I wouldn't keep the parenthesis. It just looks slightly unprofessional. You could probably surround it in commas just to make it fit.

When you have something is quotations, like "happy", inside dialogue, it would be best to only use an apostrophe, instead of a full quotation mark. Doing that helps the reader understand that it's not the actual end of the dialogue.

Finally, again this might be a personal preference, but to help this look slightly more professional, there shouldn't be all caps sentences. Again you don't have to do this if you do t want to, and there is nothing grammatically wrong with the way it is, but it looks better if you use italics instead of all caps.

Overall I loved how you were able to pull if the perspective switch with such ease, and starting on the second chapter I was able to pretty much understand what's going on. It may help though to explain more what these Chaos Emeralds are, for the sake of people who have no idea who Sonic is. Any way keep writing,
~Wolfare






Thanks for the review! :) In all honesty, though, this is a rather large story, so I split it into three parts: Emeralds 1-3, Emeralds 4-6 and then the last Emerald with the final battle.
Yes, you have a point on music inserts. I'll remove them.
I'll keep all your advice in mind as I write more! Thanks!




oh to be a cat in a pile of towels
— ChesTacos