I love you for your puzzle piece body,
and your compass round edges
that we use to position ourselves into unknown spaces
that never used to fit.
You and I have painted ourselves into a messy panorama
Using the colours of your explorer’s eyes,
my embarrassed freckles -
And those loose eyelashes that we blow from our fingers,
Each carrying delicate china promises
we have grown used to watching shatter.
Our colours form a messy pattern on this jumper
That I had used to hide myself from mountain ranger hands
Belonging to unfamiliar explorers of the past.
They searched this woolly exterior to find a summit
That you found was not atop a mountain range
or beneath a treasure trove bra,
But rather hidden inside loosely fitted jeans
And sarcastic jokes and a fear of commitment
Towards strangers that could leave as easily as a lost eyelash
misplaced on an innocent wind of, ”I love you.”
I will show you that I love you back
By painting a map into my dead man’s land eyes
In the hope that you will keep discovering,
Because I have learnt that this over sized jumper
has the space for another –
your searching body
that wraps around me,
like a puzzle piece that can fit into the spaces
I have yet to discover.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This is a beautifully written and well thought out poem. I loved the steady voice all through, the words and imagery of 'messy' and 'edges' trying to 'fit', both of puzzle pieces and the protagonist's mentality.I also like the tone, the diffidence and hope that weaves through the piece and really highlights the emotional depth (and a sense of fragility) of the speaker.
My favorite line, 'treasure trove bra'. Such choice words.
Thank you.
Hello, hello, mimimac!
When I first started reading this poem, I was overcome with the desire to sing it aloud to some random, chill rhythm, and so I did.
That's how I found the places that I didn't think fit as well with the tone and essential calmness and beauty that you started the poem with.
The first was this line:
In just that phrase "explorer's eyes". I feel like it could mean something, but when I'm looking for concrete images to pair with "colors", I don't get any implied colors from "explorer's" eyes and so I'm left wobbling in the wind. Is there some other way you might describe these eyes? Where does the explorer explore? Mountains and pale eyes? Jungles and green eyes?
I think the "delicate" here is too redundant, because we see "china" and in the next we see "shatter", so we know it's delicate. You might want to change the word china to something like porcelain, maybe, to avoid the accidental reading of "China" the country!
I'd take out the "had". I know you're trying to get a sense of a deeper past, but I feel like just expressing the past tense is enough and makes the rhythm less clunky.
I also think it would be good for you to take out explorer eyes because you use the word "explorer" much more fittingly down here in a later line!
OH NO! The poem is starting to fall to pieces down here. Let's take each crack one by one.
I don't think "treasure trove" works to describe the bra here. Maybe bringing another concrete description would work better? Something about the clasp or the style of the bra to reveal more about this speaker's personality along with the "loosely" fitting jeans of the next line?
I think the "and"s make this section too clunky. It would work better with commas, keep us moving from one to the next more easily: "fitted jeans, sarcastic jokes, a fear of commitment".
The attempt at hearkening back to a previous image is generally good, but suddenly this poem got all sappy where before it was chill, frank, and plain. Fancy words like "misplaced" and the saccharine description of "innocent wind" all wrapped up with the ever-too-sweet-or-bland "I love you" make this section void of emotion for me.
And from there to the end I feel like you're trying to hard to be thankful, and it doesn't work for me because the beginning of the poem signified just acceptance -- honest and equal acceptance, where suddenly I have to be THANKFUL to this person for coming into my space. Maybe it's just me disliking the message. Maybe I misread the first part. Did you feel the message changing as you continued to write? Do you see that in your own writing? What do you want to communicate? What do you want to do about it?
I hope these thoughts and comments will be helpful to you as you edit, write, and continue to learn!
PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Very well written, the work is a thoroughly romantic poem. The imagery was well pursued and the details of each line were each explored in turn. The depth and sincerity are truly remarkable and the poem appears to have a meaning close to your feelings and thoughts; meaning that it comes from the heart. I believe that all of the grammar was correct, except in line number 24, "Because I have learnt that this over sized jumper," the words "over" and "sized" should be one word. Besides for that almost insignificant detail, the poem was great. Well done and keep up the writing.
*Eh, sorry about the blank comment, that was a mistake on my part.