Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Fantasy



by fire_of_dawn

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

"Yo, it's Kay!" Corvus's beak doesn't smile, but his eyes do.

"Sorry I'm late," I reply, shaking raindrops from my fur.

"Late? You're the main attraction; you just opened the ball." And then he turns serious. "This gang war is bad business. Just look at these guys and girls- on both sides."

I can see what he means. There's many a notched ear or missing feather among the assembled gangsters.

"Pinch!" Corvus croaks, obviously pleased. "Come here, tomcat, and meet my buddy Kay."

It's obvious how Pinch got his name. He has a narrow face, with one eye swollen shut from a recent injury.

"Pleasure to meet you. Is it all right if I pray for you?"

"Huh? Yeah, I guess that's okay."

I smile. "Heavenly Father, this young cat has seen a lot. Now I ask that you open his eyes to Your unconditional love and grace. Amen."

He blinks- once, twice- and cries out, "I can see! My tail's unbent, too!"

A hush falls over the crowd.

"Th-thank you, Kay." Tears stream down his face.

"Don't thank me; thank God."

"Let me see him!" A gray tabby elbows her way through the mob.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
639 Reviews

Points: 13700
Reviews: 639

Tue Jun 03, 2014 1:12 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hello Fire, Wolf here to review, as you have requested.

I am extremely confused on what I just read. So I assume there is cats and birds, but what kind of birds, I have no idea. Also, I'm guessing Kay is a cat as well. You have a nice start, but it feels more like a basic outline.

First off, this is mainly dialogue, which can be alright if balanced out properly. So this is written in first person, and this story should use that more. Show more of how Kay is feeling while he is observing the group. Show more of what Kay is seeing. What do his surroundings look like? What do some of the bird/cats around him look like? Where is he? What do/es his friend/s look like? What are they doing there? What is Kay specifically doing? These are just some questions to keep in mind when thinking about the setting.

Next, I like how you add that tiny speck of religion in there. It adds a unique twist, but I am super confused on how a cat has the same religion as humans. If anything, make him pray in a different way. Maybe you could add some details on how he moves while he's praying, and keep details in mind.

Details, details, details. These are super important in keeping a reader interested and a piece interesting. Remember to show and not tell. Don't expect to be able to do it right away, because even I have problems with this, and a constant reminder to myself it always helpful when writing.

You have a nice start, and if you just add some meat and muscle to this skeleton of a story, I'm sure you'll have something nice! (I hope I didn't sound mean, I promise I am only trying to help you! This was very nice, and I know you can do so much more with it!) Keep Writing,

fire_of_dawn says...

Thanks. The reason he "has the same religion as humans" is, well, this is a Christian story for furries. Those are people who use an animal to represent themselves on the web and in real life.

User avatar
32 Reviews

Points: 1509
Reviews: 32

Tue May 20, 2014 8:31 pm
fire_of_dawn says...

Going to work on the revision I started today; thanks, everyone, for your reviews.

If there's anyone on site who's lived in a big city, I'd like to hear from them. I'm a small-town kid and could use some pointers on skyscrapers, gang warfare and the like.

User avatar
93 Reviews

Points: 184
Reviews: 93

Tue May 20, 2014 8:22 pm
Sylar wrote a review...

This is really cool and very interesting for an "other" piece. I might categorize this as a short story because it works like flash fiction. Just to say ;)

Anyways, let's get on with the review.

"From up here everything looks smaller- buildings, people. Unimportant." I feel like you shouldn't use "Unimportant." here. You're describing the setting with nouns and then using an adjective. It doesn't work.

"Dawn slinks in like a weasel through the window. One paw manages to land between my ears." This is inconsistent. You say "up here" in the first line but use the word "window." Hmmmm.

"No, but I can guess." She sighs." WHO THOUGH?!? I wish I knew.

Aside from that, this was a really cool piece! I love the characters and the dialogue. Very good job!

Alex out!

User avatar
120 Reviews

Points: 2520
Reviews: 120

Tue May 20, 2014 7:26 pm
ladcat13 wrote a review...

BOOM *appears in a dramatic smoke bomb*
Ladcat here to review...

I like the principle and the idea you have here, but it's A) very short, B) The thoughts aren't continuous, and C) the reader is kinda left in the dark. I'm not sure what kind of creature the main character is, I'm not sure what the setting is, and when the dialogue is going on I can't really tell who's speaking. Try to include more description in it, and be more descriptive, and you'll have a great piece here. There were also some grammatical mistakes here, but I'm too lazy to go and pick them out. They're all miniscule anyway.

Good luck, and as always, keep writing!

fire_of_dawn says...

Sorry; maybe I assumed her calling him a crazy coyote was enough.

"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites