*Dedicated to Messenger. I did give you warning. May the writing war begin!*
Sometimes I wonder how many people live their lives, completely unaware that there are mythical creatures living among them. I know about them, mostly because I am one. I’m a dragon; in fact I’m a descendant of the Jade Dragon. I'm a dragonoid, a human and dragon hybrid. I can look like a dragon or I can look like a human. I can even go in-between. How is this possible? Well, dragons can take many forms such as water, wind, earth, and fire. The most powerful of us could appear human, acting as protectors and advisors for the emperors of Ancient China. Of course this is the twenty-first century and there's no longer emperors to protect or advise. So after the last of the emperors, a few of those powerful dragons mingled with the humans and a new hybrid breed of human and dragon came about.
It’s really frustrating me how I haven't mastered my full transformation yet. I can get my wings sometimes, but it's hard. I'm more human than dragon; this stuff doesn't come that easy to me. I can breathe fire sort of. I'm not old enough for my water powers. I have my talons though, but it's hard to control. Sometimes I accidentally have talons and sometimes I accidentally retract them. All of this dragon business is very tricky stuff. I just have to keep working on it I guess.
I don’t exactly have people to help teach me how to do these things; I’m on my own with all of this. My dad was a dragonoid, but he’s been out of the picture since I was six. He taught my older siblings some things, but their knowledge is very limited. My mom can’t do anything because she’s mortal and she can’t know about us being dragons.
My dad had finally told her about being part dragon when I was six, and my mom divorced him because she didn’t want to be married to a “monster”. She asked if us kids had inherited the “monster” gene. He told her it wasn’t hereditary. He lied, the dragon gene is dominant; all of us kids are dragonoids. My dad tried to protect us, for he knew how rough life would be for us if mom knew.
Dad made us promise to keep this all a secret right before he left. As a reminder that no matter how hard it was to keep it a secret and to remember him by, he gave us each a dragons tooth on a leather strap. It could easily pass as a shark’s tooth, so mom wouldn’t have suspected anything. I wear mine all the time, that’s the last memory I have of dad; I feel like he’s with me when I wear it.
Dad, I thought as I mindlessly and habitually played with my dragon’s tooth that hung from my neck. I rubbed it's polished smooth surface between my fingers. Why did you have to tell mom? We could have all kept it a secret, and you wouldn’t have had to leave. I’m sure he had good reason to, but I wish he didn’t. Why did mom have to be so non-understanding? I sighed. Keeping this a secret has been so hard and trying to learn how to control my transformation is even harder. If he were here, he could show me how to use my powers. He’s not here though; I have to learn to use my powers and how to transform on my own.
I only vaguely remember him now. His chuckling laugh and his deep green wings have all but faded from my memory. My older brothers and sister tell me stories about him and all the fun they used to have together. Sometimes I ask mom what he was like. She says he was a good man. That's all she's ever said about him though. He's all but a mystery to me.
I wish I knew him better. He left when I was so young. I miss my dad.
I gripped the tooth in my left hand. There was no way I was going to let another day or year go by without knowing him.
I silently vowed to myself to find the father I barely knew.
I was going to find him. And I'm starting today.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Pretty cool! I saw another author that had dedicated their writing to you, I didn't catch the username, but they are writing "Fern". Anyway, thought it was pretty good, and I'm not one who likes looking too hard for errors when I am enjoying a good story. Unless it is obvious. So, I think it describes what it might be like to be a dragonoid well. And I like the whole search thing. I'm looking forward to further chapters, see you around!
Me and messenger are currently writing stories for each other.... Something I kinda started somehow. And thanks
*mentally notes to tag Kelpies when next chapter is posted*
I have a book about mutants if you want to check it out, it's called Echolocation. And please do tag me when the next chapter is out!
Is it ok if I adopt your book in "Adopt a Novel"? I really like this one and If I were to review every chapter of your book, I might have a chance of actually giving you some advice! Lol.
go for it
im not going to post anything for awhile though
Ok thanks. And this is one of the rare moments this month where I get to get on. So I am taking advantage of it.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
First off, you use semi-colons. A lot. Good job on using them correctly. But a word of caution: most readers don't like them. They find them annoying, and some think they're a bit show-offy. Kurt Vonnegut kinda summarized this. So although they're fine, I'd recommend using them sparingly.
Okay, the first part I can understand (although I would've said "human" instead of "mortal," since mortal makes the kid seem like a pompous donkey, and that's the wrong species
And then comes that whole explanation. Umm, yeah, like I said, moms tend to find out everything. And wouldn't this mom have been a lot more attentive to unusual occurrences (like random scorch or claw marks) knowing what her husband had been? I'm just concerned that your premise isn't strong enough to support the story. Maybe with some work you can pull it off, but I'd just like to caution that it's going to be really difficult to pull it off well. You're flirting with the contrived line, and if you're not careful you'll run straight over it.
You have a good world set up. There are a lot of different directions you could go inside this world (like finding an ancient relic of the Chin Dynasty or something) if you decide to change the story. The frustrating part, should you choose to change it, is both a blessing and a curse: there's so many things you can do. Good, because you're not restricted. Bad, because you can only write so much. Even if you decide to write fifty stories in this world, there's still only so much you can do.
Hope this helps!
There's a reason the mom never noticed anything. I will expand upon that in later chapters. Thanks for the review!
Hey Sunshine, I am here to review . . . and smile a lot.
Are you sure you mean "could"? Shouldn't it be can since there are still dragonoids?
I think you should expound on this part a little more. How exactly is it that the MC produces his wings. Are they always on his back folded? Do they retract into his skin? The bold part I think you should make as a separate sentence. It shows the MC's not-so-massive confidence.
Then you use the word "accidentally" twice in two sentences that are connected. That's a no-no
Cut this sentence. You basically just said it in the past 3.
hmm, so there was a big transition. The first several paragraphs are like backstory, and then all of a sudden we go to the MC like thinking to himself. It was kind of rough. Also, you said that his dad died, but then you say he is going to find him. How does that work?
Now, I have to say that there is something about your writing style that I really like. I can't pinpoint it, but I just like it. Also, this chapter is somewhat tell-y, but I didn't feel like it was a complete info dump. Maybe try writing some of it as more of flashbacks or memories then just telling us, and you could make it even better.
I shall await the next chapter! Not much of a story to go on yet, but this is the first chapter so that's ok. Usually the first chapter is just to get the readers attention and then explain more as things go on!
~Messenger
I'm going to expand upon the whole transformation thing as the story goes on. Thanks for the review Mess