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Young Writers Society



The Last Breath of Fire, Chapter 6

by Zontafer


I recommend you to read the prologue and the earlier chapters first if you're new; Prologue

Lea could not believe it. How could her father do such thing? She sat in a comfortable leather chair in front of a worn desk. In front of her, some old books and scrolls lied all over the wood. Her eyes stared empty at the message.

Never happening.

From behind her, a groaning sounded in her ears. Lea hurried over to a big bed lying in the middle of the room. Jacob lied in the bed, covered by some woollen carpets.

His mouth moved, but only one word slipped his tongue. “Water,” he whispered with a hoarse voice.

She grabbed a mug of water and handed it over. He almost spilt out all the water, as he threw himself over it and drank it all up in one single gulp.

He swallowed deeply before exhaling. ‘’What happened? It feels like someone hit me in the stomach with an arrow,’’ he mumbled to her, holding his hand to the back of his head.

‘’Uhm... It’s a long story. There are people from the east all over the west, wanting those who may befriend the dragon dead. Most likely, someone had poisoned your drink, or the man who served you it had it poisoned,’’ she explained to him.

’Poisioned!?’’ he nearly shouted at her.

‘’Jacob, calm down. It's nothing to wo-’’ she started.

‘’Calm down? It was right before I died! And you expect me to be calm?"

She started biting her lip. "Just drink this, and you'll be all right!" Lea handed over another mug, filled with a green liquid.

Yes, he had been poisoned, but was it really necessary to get that mad at me?

Jacob studied its contents and took a small slurp of it. He stuck his tongue out in disgust.

She waited a while, hoping the mixture had calmed him down a bit. ‘’Do you remember anything from what happened earlier?’’

‘’The poison? No.’’

He doesn’t remember…

‘’So you don’t remember anything of what happened before you passed out?’’

‘’No… The only thing I remember is walking past a smith.’’

Jacob took a sip of the mixture, before gulping down the last of it. Lea went back over to the desk, and studied the message once again. She decided to avoid the message and burn it. There was a fireplace in the room, giving away a cosy crackling. If there was one thing she loved, it was when the hearth crackled. To be honest, it had to be one of the most relaxing sounds she knew about.

Fire was truly beautiful. She loved watching its flickering orange flames devouring the pieces of wood. Water was beautiful as well, with its clear, blue colour, but fire was the one element for her.

There were many different types of flames out there, the ones she had seen were only the common ones which everyone had seen: orange, yellow and blue. Red was the usual colour of dragonfire, which explained why she had never seen it. Purple was the strongest one, but rare colours as green and light blue flames has existed.

Jacob pushed himself in a seating-position with his hands. “Look, Lea, I don’t know if I’m able to this. I mean, befriending a dragon! That’s just… Madness.”

He had to! Not only for her sake, but for the sake of Asgard as well.

She turned towards Jacob. “Jacob, there is something I haven’t quite told you yet…” blurted out of her. “I am…”

“You are what?” he asked impatiently.

“I am the king’s daughter. The Princess of Asgard,” she said to him.

It seems like he was shocked by the fact, considering the look on his face.

A pause went by, before he finally spoke up, “Explains your little errand earlier.”

“Pardon me, I had to lie. There are people all over the city here who want anyone who might stop him or her dead. I tried to remain low, for the sake of both of us. This may be your only way back to where you came from.

"If Asgard won’t receive any help, it will fall. After Asgard, the northern and southern kingdoms will fall as well. Trust me, the dragon is wiser than you think, and she will be able to help you if you knock some sense into her,” Lea explained.

“Is it the only way Asgard can survive?”

“If the other kingdoms wont’t help us, yes. We don’t know how big the forces in the east are, so we don’t even know our chances to win.”

"Why wouldn't they help Asgard, if their lives depend on it as well?"

"Well, Asgard isn't exactly a kingdom with strong connections to other ones. I was bethrothed to the oldest prince of Grim Batol, but later on, the court thought it would be better to marry me off to the Prince of Burumstone.

Jacob gave away a little sigh. “What if the dragon burns me alive? What would even stop her from doing that?”

“Just... I know she won't, okay? Dragons are wise creatures. They know when something is right or not. It's difficult to understand, I just need you to trust me on this one.”

Telling by his skeptical look on his face, it did not seem like this would end well. As Lea were about to give up on the whole thing, Jacob answered her, “All right. I trust you."

“How are you feeling now?”

“Better. I think the effect has set place now,” he responded as he dragged himself out of the bed.

“Great. We should start planning now, we have no time to lose.”

She flipped her dark brown hair over her shoulder, sat down by the desk and dug forth a dusty scroll from the pile of old books and writings. Her hands untied the binding, to reveal a map of the realm. It was a detailed one, showing the frozen lakes and haunted forests in the north to the green vales and the many rivers in the south.

Jacob walked over to her, and decided to stand behind her. He was so close to her could hear his breath. Goose flesh spread up over her arm.

“All right, here is Asgard,” she said pointing at the eastside of the map. “High up in north lies Burumstone Castle, and between it and Asgard is a place called Grim Batol. To the west of Grim Batol you can find the ruins of Runeterra.” Her finger slid across the paper over to a blue stripe. This is Deadwater.

“In-between these three places; there is a mountain, occupied by the dragon. I will ride with you as long as I can follow you. The dragon refuses to listen to any descendants of Asgard. You must somehow sneak through the lands of Grim Batol, and get to the mountain.

“You will need to sneak up on her, without she finding out. Then, you will have to convince her to listen to you.” She looked behind her and right at him.

“Shouldn't you stay here? It would be dangerous for a woman out in the wild.”

“Oh, spare me. I learned how to fight during my long stay at Kings Hill. Now, are you sure you want to do this?”

His brown eyes scanned through the map, and then focused at Lea. “If it’s the last option, then yes, I am sure. When will we ride out, my princess?” he joked. Or at least, she thought he joked.

Hot blood streamed to her cheeks and revealed a red colour. “When the sun is high,” she said. “And there is no need to call me your princess.”

He walked over to the bed again, and poured more water into the mug. His voice was soft, and gave her this strange, but comfortable feeling. “But you are one, are you not?”


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Sat May 31, 2014 6:22 pm
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GoldFlame wrote a review...



Heya, Zontafer!

I've run dry. I'll do my best, but I've arrived too late. All these amazing reviews ... *faints*

Alright, shaking things up a bit. Cons first, then pros and other stuff.

Lea could not believe it. How could her father do such thing?


Today, the rhetorical question's regarded as a compositional risk. The omission of contractions's also regarded as a literary technique, one which's purpose rides along the lines of contributing formality. Point? They contradict each other.

Easy mend: "Lea couldn't believe it. How could her father do such a thing?" (The narrator also forgot an article.)

That's just talking grammar, though. Talking style, I'd recommend expounding on Lea's shock. It's always nice taking a field trip inside a character's head, exploring their thoughts and emotions. Another technique, and what's more, it helps flesh out characters.

She sat in a comfortable leather chair in front of a worn desk. In front of her, some old books and scrolls lied all over the wood.


You can clip a few things here. Although, you're right; cleaning up both sentences will snap the threads binding their meanings together.

The past tense form of "lie" is also "lay." I saw this mistake echoed in a few other places. Here's a chart that might come in handy.

As for fixing it, I'd recommend: "She sat in front of a worn wooden desk with old books and scrolls scattered across its surface."

From behind her, a groaning sounded in her ears.


Redundancy aside, the narrator's implying that Lea's ears are behind her ears, which poses a bit of a paradox. Easy mend: "A groaning sounded behind her." Or you could dive into more detail: "From behind her, a groaning sounded, scraping at her ears ... [etc.]"

His mouth moved, but only one word slipped his tongue.


I really love this description. It's clean and vivid, loose for interpretation.

And the fire! Amazing. I could never pull off such subtle incorporation of facts.

That’s just… Madness.”


"Madness" doesn't need to be capitalized, as it's part of the same sentence.

Hot blood streamed to her cheeks and revealed a red colour.


Another little paradox. If hot blood's streaming there, it wasn't originally there, so it's not revealing anything--more so, not revealing itself, as the wording implies. Easy mend. Just toy around with the phrases a bit.

That's all. This was one of my favorite chapters, but I guess the previous reviewers don't agree. It just flowed extremely well, with passive voice interfused with active voice, and the dialogue well-varied. The descriptions also painted vivid images. I got thirsty reading it. XD

In terms of action and reaction, it needs a little polishing up, but otherwise, perfect. Pace: well-measured. Fluency: smooth and natural. Even the paragraph breaks--well-executed. I could gush about this all day, given the chance.

Keep it up! Looking forward to more! :D




Zontafer says...


Thanks for the review, GoldFlame! ^^
I'm surprised you liked it, compared to the other revieweres. I was considering splitting this in two/rewriting half of it, but now I'm not sure...
Anyways, thanks again! ;)

- Zontafer



GoldFlame says...


No problem!

I did really like it, better than the first chapters. Rewrite whatever you want, but don't get obsessive over it. It's great! ^_^



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Thu May 22, 2014 10:47 pm
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Alchemist wrote a review...



K, you called for destruction, so i won't hold back! xD

I get that you lost document and probably wrote this asap just to post it. Whatever happened,i think you need more work on this here.

Now, did you redo his reaction on how he was poisoned after the reviews?

K, all in all, i think this was a little bit messy. Since this is Lea's POV, work more on her thoughts, how she sees his reactions, etc. Also im not really sure where they are. Are they still in the inn after Jackob getting poisoned? That wouldn't make much sense.

Now the information about war, what you gave us felt really unnatural to me, like you expected we had much more knowledge about it, but in reality it just hit me from the sky and all i know is that there might be war between west and the east. I think you should reconsider the way you are giving readers these informations.

Dragon thing. It was also one of the things that hit readers out of nowhere. Yes, we all suspected and it would be natural for Jackob to be the one to tame od befriend the dragon, but that talk just randomly appeared in the story. I think you also made assumption somewhere before in your chapters, Lea thinking about how Jackob is important to everyone, but its unnatural. How would she know it? Why would she suspect it? And now all of a suden it's his task to tame the dragon,save the world.

I actually feel like i had missed a whole chapter. Did i? Im pretty sure i have red everything you wrote.

Well, also the way Lea instructed him how to befriend the dragon felt really strange. I get it that she is not a common princess, she is a girl of action, but she feels like prophet, all-knowing being to me. Unless she ends up being some demigod or something which i doubt will happen, i really don't like the way she is acting.

Hmm, a small thing, at the beggining it was cool, but you are stealing the terrain names too much, it would feel better if you came up with your own.

I think this chapter needs a lot of work. Namely, the three main things we learned here: him realising he got poisoned, us learning about war, and him learing about his task, it all happened too fast. I think you could write a whole book only from these three, namely the last one, if you ever red a Wheel of time then you know what im talking about. Yes, we know he is the one to befriend dragon, since he is the protagonist, but for him to learn about this task, it must be carefully done.

If you rework this one (in a bigger scale), would you mind telling me? and it would be good if you could do it in another file, id like to see the differences.

Heh, i really hope you can use some advices from me, im not good at nitpicking and grammar checks since im not native english speaker, but in terms of a storyline i think i can help alot.

Also tell me when you write a new one, but i hope you will work on this one first( i hope you are not getting this personally, i really like your story but i think you need to work on this chapter much much more).

-Alchemist :)




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Wed May 21, 2014 12:00 pm
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Laure wrote a review...



Hai Zont! Laure here again for a review! So, I'm going to start off with a few technical things.

He swallowed deep, to then exhale.
I noticed this problem throughout the piece as well, but given that your first language isn't English is understandable. Your word choices and word ordering are a bit jumbled up sometimes. So in this case, saying he swallowed deep, to then exhale is a bit strange. I think what you want is, he swallowed deeply before exhaling.


Her hands unrolled the binding
Unrolling the binding is usually to describe a map being unfurled or something like that. Saying her hands unrolled the binding is a tag strange here. Perhaps something else like she, untied?

He was literally so close; she could feel his presence.


Something in this sentence doesn't quite work out. If he is close, then the use of 'literally' has no effect so I don't think you need that. As for the second sentence, she already knows he is there, doesn't she? Perhaps you meant, 'she could feel his breath or something like that?'

Alright, so I will stop here with the technical things because I have more pressing issues to say about this chapter.

First of them, once again the lack of logic or perhaps the foreshadowing of an action or the time taken to evaluate that action.

I find it very strange how Jacob is willing to trust and help her so quickly into the story, I mean I barely know these two characters because even though we're three chapter in. I still only get the facts that you tell us and not really what motivates them to do certain things and what their personality is. One of the hardest thing I couldn't accept in this chapter was how Jacob had agreed to help Lea to befriend a dragon so quickly without so much as a question, some thoughts and whether if this task is dangerous or not. Is like asking someone to participate in a life-threatening experiment without de-briefing them. In other words, is not very plausible.

In this chapter, Jacob has just recovered being poisoned and from what I can see he isn't being terribly stressed about it. When Lea tells Jacob about the dragon, there wasn't enough detail in there to see what was happening. And also with Jacob's reaction to this, I was expecting some anger, a lot of questioning and explanation of what has happened and not jumping straight to planning to befriend a dragon. Unless if Jacob has romantic feelings for Lea which I am getting hints for. But you need to show that to us through Lea as well.

“In-between these three places; there is a mountain, occupied by the dragon. You must somehow sneak through the lands of Grim Batol, and get to the mountain. Once you find your way in, you will have to convince her to listen to you,” she looked behind her and right at him. “Are you sure you want to do this?”


I noticed how Lea said you, and not we. So is Jacob embarking on a one-man quest to conquer a dragon? Hmmm...sounds very fishy to me.

Language:

“In-between these three places; there is a mountain, occupied by the dragon. You must somehow sneak through the lands of Grim Batol, and get to the mountain. Once you find your way in, you will have to convince her to listen to you,” she looked behind her and right at him. “Are you sure you want to do this?”


I think Lea needs to be more specific than that, if she wants to persuade Jacob and also give the readers a visual image of what's going on. Because from the above descriptions, all I'm getting is just this really vague sense of what's going on.

“If the other kingdoms can’t help us, yes. We don’t know how big the forces in the east are, so we don’t even know our chances to win.”


This gave me a little pause here, why won't the other kingdoms help them. Is it because they won't help them or because they can't help them. If so, why?

You also really need to work on your descriptions, your character development and showing not telling us things.

So, I've said those things to a lot of writers on YWS and probably a lot of times to myself as well but is true. We are three chapters in, and I'm still not sure what Asgard looks like because there hasn't been much of a description about it. I'm not sure what motivates Jacob to help Lea or how Lea thinks because we weren't give much of an insight into that. I noticed that you tend to write a lot about actions and what is going on, and not so much on the character's emotions and inner thoughts. So you should try and write that in.

Overall, interesting chapter if not the pace is a tag too quick. The plot is interesting, especially with the dragon and all. Seems like an epic quest about to start, so keep writing, keep developing and never give up!

-Laure




Zontafer says...


Thanks a lot Laure! <3
You're so awesome ^^
As I said, I had like 100 words more in this chapter, but I had to rewrite it, so I lost some details and stuff. I will be editing this tonight, bringing everyone's advices into this one.
I will also fill the logic holes.
Thanks again!

- Zontafer



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Tue May 20, 2014 9:42 pm
GoldFlame says...



I shalt review this tomorrow. Hold on, the woolen thing--I thought it was woollen, too? My computer keeps correcting it to "woolen," but I'm fairly certain it's ... *googles* It can be both? Wow.




Zontafer says...


Yeah ^^ It's from the 16th century or something... Microsoft Word kept changing it to woollen so... btw your last review was your 250th! Congrats!



GoldFlame says...


Thanks! Sorry, turned out to be tardier than expected. :(



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Tue May 20, 2014 1:42 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Heyo Zont, Wolf here to review your wonderful masterpiece!
First, some nitpicks:

She could not believe it.

So I know in the little blurb you said this was Lea's perspective, but you should at least say 'Lea could...' in the first sentence to reestablish that. Some people don't read the blurb.
...covered by some woollen carpets.

Typo: It should be 'woolen'.
...he whispered with a thin voice.

Here, I would recommend to use a different word than 'thin', since I don't really see what your getting at. Maybe a word like 'hoarse'.
He almost tilted it as he nearly threw himself over it and drank it all up in one single gulp.

This sentence really confused me, try rewording it.
...to then exhale.‘’What happened?’’

You need a space between the period and the quotation.
The Broken Shield.

I don't see the significance of this smith shop. It just seems to be a random fact thrown in there to distract the reader.
...giving away a cosy crackling.

Typo: It should be 'cozy'.
One of the most relaxing sounds she knew about.

With this random sentence fragment, it doesn't fit. It just ruins the flow. Maybe you should add 'It is...'
There was many different types of flames out there...

'Was' should be 'were'.
Not only for hers sake...

'Hers' should be 'her'.
She turned against Jacob.

In this sentence, it seems like Lea started attacking Jacob, like she betrayed him. I don't think that's what you meant, so I would replace 'against' to 'towards'.
The Princess of Asgard,” blurted out of her.

This seems a little forced. I can see Lea blurting the first part, but I wouldn't think that someone would just an add unnecessary detail if they were trying to hold something in. Also I think the tag is worded slightly awkward.
There are people all over the city here who wants anyone who might stop him or her dead.

First, 'wants' should be 'want' and second, I don't understand what the last part means. Is she still talking about the King and Queen?
If Asgard won’t receive any help...

Just to make it more clear that Lea is still talking, you should add a quotation before 'If Asgard...'
...and will be able to help you if you knock some sense into her,”

Since you had a comma before the 'and', you should add 'she' before 'will' to make it a compound sentence and to make it slightly more clear.
...forests in the north, to the green vales...

Unnecessary comma between 'north' and 'to'.
This is Deadwater.

Is this supposed to be a quote, or a thought? When I saw this I was very confused since it seemed like Lea was talking to someone, or thinking to herself.
Enough with the nitpicks. I really love where this is going. I really hope I'm not being biased, just because I love dragons. This is very well written, and please tell me when you post another chapter!
~Wolfare




Zontafer says...


Thanks for your review Wolf!
First off, some of the typos is because I write in English, and not American. Woollen is just an old spelling of woolen.
And about the last nitpick, I somehow posted it without finishing the sentence. >_>
Thanks again!

- Zontafer




Anything's possible if you've got enough nerve.
— J.K. Rowling