Flying in a different sky: Reviews Are Most Welcome :)

by Anees

Published May 18, 2014

E - Everyone

In Flying in a different sky

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CHAPTER 1

“Where… am I?

It was dark and bleak. The ground was covered with grass and a few dead trees could

be observed in the horizon. However, something was not right… The grass was grey

and the trees were leaf-less. The soil was black, visible only because of the insufficient

white light emitted from the sky above. Furthermore, it was silent. There was no wind

either.

“Where am I?” said the boy out loud, as he managed to get up, despite the terrible

aching. This was definitely not a place he had been to before. Somehow, though, this

place seemed familiar.

The boy was dazed. He could not remember anything regarding who he was, or how

he got here. He sat down again, waiting for his memories to come back to him. Sadly,

nothing of the sort happened, allowing the boy to remain discombobulated. It started

to get colder and the boy shivered. Seeing no other option, the boy got up and started to walk towards the dark forest, which seemed welcoming as they gave the boy hope

of shelter.

The pain had subsided as the boy continued to walk towards the dead trees. The light

from the sky began to get dimmer.

Then all of a sudden a man appeared before him. For some reason he looked same

like him.

“Who are you?” asked the boy, shivering out of fright.

“I am a part of u” he replied.

Unable to comprehend anything, the boy shook his head. “I don’t understand,” he

said.

The figure sat down, indicating to the boy to do the same. The figure introduced

himself as “Tristis”. As the boy asked him to explain everything, he began to speak in

an echoing voice.

“This is your world. A world that resides in your heart. It reflects on your personality;

lonely, sad, dark and silent,” he said. The boy continued to listen, slowly digesting this information. “You are neither alive nor dead,” continued Tristis “Rather, you are

somewhere in between. Your current state allows you to visit and explore your world

subconsciously. Here, you will find various memories leading to the present.

Everything you see here has either happened to you in your life, or was pondered

upon by you, allowing it to sync with this world and gain form. As you progress

through this world, you will regain pieces of yourself. You will begin to remember all

that you have forgotten. And depending on your actions, you will either end up in

the world of the living, or the world of the dead.”

The boy continued to shiver. He was just twelve. How was he supposed to approach

this?

Tristis stood up, having finished his explanation. “When you will require more

information, I will appear,” he said “Now go into the forest… your earliest memories

await.”

With that, he began to fade.

The boy tried to assimilate what he had just heard. He lay in the grey grass, until the

cold began to worsen, forcing the boy to resume his search for shelter. Surely, he

could see smoke rousing from the woods. This smoke seemed to rise from a chimney. The boy hurried in order to prevent himself from turning into ice. The cold was

terrible, and snow was inevitable. Rubbing his arms along the way, the boy ran

towards the origin of the smoke. As he made his way through, he noticed several

things littering the ground. However, he was in too much of a hurry to observe them.

The light from the sky began to fade and darkness began to consume all there was to

consume. The boy kept running. He had to get to the house with the chimney. He

had to stay in the light. Obviously, he would be too frightened to stay outside in a

desolate place.

Moreover, who knew what creatures lay waiting? After all, Tristis had talked about

how some things that the boy had thought of, would materialize in this world. So,

how could a twelve-year old not have thought about snakes and other fiends?

Beyond doubt, a dim yellow light could be seen ahead.

Maybe it was from the house? Could he be nearing it? Yes. There it was, just within

his reach. The boy finally reached the origin point of the smoke. It was a cottage, a

very old one. Candlelight was being emitted from the windows, giving the cottage a

very warm feel. It was still completely silent, and the boy presumed that the cottage was empty. He

stood there for a moment, just observing the cottage. It brought about a certain

feeling of nostalgia and the boy tried to remember its significance.

The cottage was grey and black, as everything else in this world, but the boy recalled

its walls being brown. The door had a small brass knocker and the windows were

square, half of them covered by curtains.

Suddenly, the boy remembered. This was the cottage he had been raised in as a child.

This cottage belonged to his grandmother. She had been dead for 8 years.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Anees Comment
Anees commented Comment · May 19, 2014

Hey!

Thank you so much for reviewing my work.Hopefully next time im able to miss out the mistakes you people
pointed to.

Im having trouble with paragraphing though. If someone could help me out on this.

Best Regards,
Anees

User avatar
Pompadour
Review
Pompadour wrote a review Review · May 19, 2014

Hi, Anees! Pompadour here to review for you.

Oh, and welcome to YWS!

All right, so I'm reviewing as I read -- the second time, not the first -- and I'll just cover the general nit-picks before moving on to the plot and such.

One thing I noticed was that you have a habit of repeating yourself; not exactly the same description, but you convey the same ideas again nonetheless. A lot of writers have problems with redundancy, and I've been told quite often that I need to stop repeating myself as well! Here's an instance where you repeat yourself:

The ground was covered with grass and a few dead trees could

be observed in the horizon. However, something was not right… The grass was grey

and the trees were leaf-less.


Since you've already told us that the trees were dead, the added description seems kind of unnecessary. It's not repetitive exactly, but it doesn't add to anything we don't already know. You can easily solve this either by elaborating with something new, or by simply cutting the unnecessary description out. In fact, the description in bold might not seem so unnecessary if you canceled the word "dead" out in the preceding sentence. That way, you don't convey the same idea to us twice and it's all fine and dandy! It comes down to what you want to do, though, in the end, and how you choose to play with your descriptions! After all, as the writer, you know best!

Some pointers you might want to mull over...

1) From the look of things, this boy apparently has Amnesia. I remember writing a story once about a similar character once, except that I didn't really have a good grasp of what amnesia was. You don't have any problems with it, as far as I can see, but you might want to read up on the causes of amnesia. I did a quick search and I've found that amnesia can be caused by brain damage, psychological trauma or disease. If your story's fantasy then I think lapses of memory could be caused by whatever else you had in mind. But if it's not, you might want to consider some research. It's actually a pretty key point in any kind of writing, and some back-up knowledge is always good, of course! Here are a couple of sites you can check out: here and here. I hope I'm not trying to be overly helpful or anything, and I apologize if I am.

2) It looks like you had some trouble with formatting, and that's okay, seeing as you probably haven't gotten used to the publishing center as yet. It took me some time to find my way around as well! You can press just Enter if you want a large page break, or press Shift+Enter if you're not interested in bounding across the page.

3) I'm not much of a fan of flashbacks myself, but I do think that your ending was kind of abrupt. His memories suddenly came flooding back? Go subtle with your approach; it's a simple case of "show; don't tell." Don't tell us outright that he suddenly remembered. I want to see him clutch his head or scrunch his face up, or you could always lead up to him remembering, slowly.

You have a good grasp of setting; that much is obvious. I'm not asking you to to have an onslaught of description but since this is *checks* the first chapter, you want to create a clear image in the reader's mind. One thing confused me: he sees a few trees in the distance, but that's not enough to make a forest, right? So how come the boy thinks it's a forest, then? This bit confused me. Your chosen setting seemed to be a patch of wasteland in the beginning, or at least, you describe it as such. So the fact that he next enters a forest kind of startled me.

All in all, this was a good read, and the plot as a whole is interesting. Keep it up! And keep writing!

Hope this helped. Feel free to PM me if you need anything or if you have any questions! ^^

Cheers,

~Pompadour

chancesnchanges wrote a review Review · May 19, 2014

Hi! there Anees :) ..

Welcome to YWS. I like the concept of this story. You can be able to enter a world that “reflects your personality.” Then it feels that you'll have to choose whether you'll give yourself the opportunity to change or live like you used to. This is pretty much exciting.

Hence, the boy's past is intriguing. What happened that he ended up having a gloomy and melancholic characteristic. hmm. Have to wait for the upcoming chapters to know what had happened.

My main concern is that I had trouble reading it because the lines were cut on mid-sentences. It didn't flow too well for me. But, anyways, as I've said: I like the concept of the story.

Keep going =)

> Cha

User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · May 19, 2014

Hello there, Wolf here for a review.
I will start off with some nitpicks.

“Where am I?” said the boy out loud...

So you start off this chapter with this exact same line, except with ellipsis (the three periods). Here you also state he says this out loud. Was the first time only a thought? Try to clear this up, and if it is a thought italicize it.
...the terrible aching.

The terrible aching... where? In his legs? His head? Give us even seemingly this simple detail.
...the boy to remain discombobulated.

This is a very interesting word choice, and in my opinion, ruins the flow. Don't just throw big fancy words in there just to have it.
...the boy got up...

Didn't he already get up earlier in the paragraph?
“I am a part of u” he replied.

Please, please, please be careful when you are writing. 'U' should never, ever be a substitute for 'you' in an actual work.
So another thing I want to point out is the double spacing. I'm not sure if you did it on purpose or what, but it makes it difficult to read and difficult to distinguish different paragraphs.
Overall, this is a unique idea, and I hope you continue going on with it. Keep writing,
~Wolfare



It is a happiness to wonder; it is a happiness to dream.
— Edgar Allan Poe