z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Lost Magic. Chapter 6

by dogsrule5


Sarah and I headed out today to look for Arianna. We decided to look in the desert where we found her. She wasn't there. The witch wouldn't have captured her, because the witch is dead. We searched and searched, but we couldn't find even a clue of where she was. Sari couldn't track her scent. A while later the sun was full in the sky and we were all very hungry after trying to find Arianna.

***

"Where is Sarah and my other friends?" Grace asked confused.

"I don't know honey." Her mother said.

"You don't understand mom. They have been gone for weeks now and haven't bothered to show up."

"Well then why don't you go over to their houses and invite them over for a sleepover or something."

"Good idea!"

***

Sarah and I wondered how Grace was doing considering the fact that she kind of hates us now. We were starting to worry about her not having any other friends. She doesn't even have a pet, and she wouldn't even think to look for us here, cause she doesn't believe in fantasy land. We wondered if she was looking for us right now.

***

"None of my friends were home mom." Grace said.

"Well sweetie, I don't know where they could be. They couldn't have gone far."

"Wait I know where they are!" "I am going out mom."

Grace ran out the door faster than you could say toy boat three times fast. She ran into Katie backyard and went over to the plants. Katie used to always tell me that these purple flowers lead to a fantasy land. I wonder if she is right. Grace hopped through the flowers hoping that there would be a land, and sure enough there was. She started walking and found the forest. Hey this must be where my friends are camping. Grace thought. Grace started calling her friends names as loud as she could. They heard her and her friends came rushing back to their camp, to look for Grace. They found her! Grace was really excited to see Sarah and Mia. She hugged them and wouldn't stop until they told her too. They were best friends and Grace asked why she had trouble running out of fantasy land. Mia said that it was because you could only get in and out on two different sides of the land, and we haven't found the other entrance yet. Once we find the entrance we can get out of here. I know we can do it!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
55 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 55

Donate
Tue Jun 03, 2014 8:49 pm
puppys3117 wrote a review...



did u miss me? :3 puppys back for another review! everyone pointed out everything bad about it, except I do have to throw in my own opinion. just saying, but this chapter to me, seems almost like a second grade book. and to be honest, that's how i thought of this book series since the second chapter. try making it sound like a sixth grade book or higher, like you. im not saying i hate the book or anything, but i would only read if if i had to. plus, u kind of force me to read it, saying ' Have you read my book yet? UGH why not!? You have to read it RIGHT NOW!' it gets annoying sometimes :/ its the same with Skype. i take a 5 min. break to eat dinner or something and you're screaming at me to answer your Skype call. sorry if i sound harsh, but i have been holding this in for a good bit. now its out...

keep on writing!
~puppys3117~




dogsrule5 says...


Okay...



puppys3117 says...


btw love ur new avie ^-^ and sorry 'bout Skype last night I got busy and my mom said I had to finish some random hoopla -_-



dogsrule5 says...


That's okay. I Skyped Jo-Jo yesterday night instead. I am prob Skype tomorrow though



puppys3117 says...


ok :D



User avatar
130 Reviews


Points: 2667
Reviews: 130

Donate
Mon May 26, 2014 12:02 am
Em101cats wrote a review...



Hi! It's me, Em101cats, and I'm here to review for review day!


I'll start with the mistakes first, then the good stuff:



Wait I know where they are!" "I am going out mom."


There are a few things I think could be edited in this line. After "wait" you could have a comma to make the sentence less rushed, but that's just my opinion and you can leave that the way it is. Another thing is the way you split this sentence. There's two sentences of quotes when the same person is talking. If you intended it to be two sentences, you could try adding "Grace said" in the middle of the two sentences.

Sorry if that sounded a bit rude or anything. I'm just voicing opinions here. So sorry if you are offended by me saying there are "a few" things you could edit. Okay, I think you get the point. Next thing.

She ran into Katie backyard and went over to the plants.


I think you mean Katie's, not just Katie. Don't worry. I do that all the time ;)


Okay, I think I wrapped up the mistakes part of that. Now on to the parts I liked. Just saying, I loved all of it, but this is just pointing out the things I liked most!


Grace ran out the door faster than you could say toy boat three times fast.


This is funny to me. It really is. After I read this part I caught myself saying "Toy boat, toy bet, toy boyt!" instead of "Toy boat toy boat toy boat." I just LOVE it when the author influences the reader and makes them attempt to do something, especially when it's something really fun to do like pronouncing (or trying to, at least,) tongue twisters!

The last sentence really blew me away, for reasons known and unknown. The meaning of it all, the bravery and the perseverance and everything else about it, just really made me happy. I actually said, "Yes, you can DO THIS!" to the computer screen when I read that sentence. Good job with your influence!

Keep up the fantastic writing! It keeps getting better and better every time!
~Em101cats~




dogsrule5 says...


Thank you Em. You are a great friend!!! :)



Em101cats says...


:D



dogsrule5 says...


Okay... So I just published chapter 8, so you need to read chapter 7 so you can then read chapter 8!



User avatar
232 Reviews


Points: 5846
Reviews: 232

Donate
Sat May 24, 2014 12:00 am
WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Mmkay, back again...


"Where is Sarah and my other friends?" Grace asked confused.

"I don't know honey." Her mother said.

"You don't understand mom. They have been gone for weeks now and haven't bothered to show up."

"Well then why don't you go over to their houses and invite them over for a sleepover or something."

"Good idea!"


This whole thing bothered me soo much. Punctuation is missing, and the dialogue just doesn't seem realistic!

The last paragraph was 1) super super long. Maybe break it up a little?, 2) you changed point of views. I really didn't get what was going on, and 3) be more clear! The paragraph needs to be edited thoroughly.

Okay, so yeah, along with Raven, there needs to be more imagery. I can't imagine anything here, except the purple flowers.
Here is a good checklist:
- Colors
- Beautiful, descriptive adjectives
- Unique language (not totally unique, but you know what I mean)
- Touch, speaking, other senses like that.

Of course, there is a bunch more, but try to get those down.

Hope this helps.

WillowPaw1~




dogsrule5 says...


Well I am sorry. I just thought that would make it good, but I guess not. Not too you anyway.



User avatar
232 Reviews


Points: 5846
Reviews: 232

Donate
Fri May 23, 2014 11:59 pm
WillowPaw1 says...



Going to review.




User avatar
324 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 324

Donate
Sun May 18, 2014 12:33 am
View Likes
Evander wrote a review...



Hello!

Raven here to do another review!

Nitpicks!

In the last paragraph you have Grace's point of view in third person. And in the last couple of sentences you use 'I'.

Then in chapter 3, Grace is being all snotty like to them, and then BAM! She all of sudden misses them, I am very curious about her change of heart.

"Wait I know where they are!" "I am going out mom."

You need to put something in between the two dialogue pieces, maybe: "Wait I know where they are!" Grace pauses, "I am going out mom."

And, please, more descriptions! You are getting better, but I can barely 'see' anything.

cause she doesn't believe in fantasy land.

Add an apostrophe before 'cause'.

Raven,




dogsrule5 says...


Ok... Thank you



User avatar
231 Reviews


Points: 3770
Reviews: 231

Donate


There is a difference between being poor and being broke: broke is temporary; poor is eternal.
— Robert Kiyosaki