The Contingency Plan (Part 1: Still Alive)

by MrTilgen

Published May 15, 2014

18+ Language Violence

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Jack, this isn’t the time to do this now!” Nick said to him in a rushed and voice full of panic.

I’m sorry, Nick, but we don’t have a choice, they’re coming for us and they have weapons.” Jack replied.

On the outline of the perimeter of the walls surrounds them with several weapon racks including assault rifles such as T91’s, XM8’s & Safire T-15’s. With shelves equipped with M8 smoke grenades, M84 stun grenades and cocktail Molotov’s, the smell of heavy artillery travels in the air and into Nick’s nose sensing fear around his surroundings.

“Well, maybe there is an alternative to this.”

“Look, we have to get the hell out of here. This is our chance to tell the authorities and my Dad what we know about this place.”

Nick let out a sigh and witnessed Jack catch hold of a loaded semi-auto Glock-17 and grabbed a M8 smoke grenade and a stun grenade.

“Are you sure about this?”

Jack looked up and met Nick’s eyes for a few seconds, there was sweat and aggravation drawn on his face. He slowly took five footsteps towards Nick’s direction and rested his hand on Nick’s shoulder.

“I am definitely sure about this more than anything, Nick.”

“Alright then,”

Nick walked over to one of the shelves that had pistols and snatched a Glock-17 onto his hand.

Whoa, you know how to use one of those?”

“Yeah, I know how to use it, but I never fired one before.”

“Alright then get ready to move.”

Both of them placed themselves near the door of the armory with their weapons ready.

“On three, we go out there, and we risk our lives for the greater good.” Jack said.

“I know,” Nick replied but with a calm tone.

Okay, one, two THREE!”

Jack kicked the door open and raised his firearm.

18 hours earlier...

Nick, come on sweetie you don’t want to be late for the field trip.” Sarah Bentley said she was getting his lunch ready.

She rolled his brown lunch bag and could smell the apple from his lunch. Thoughts of her arguing with her ex-husband had been interrupted when she heard Nick’s feet making a thunderous sound as he went down the wooden stairs.

“Oh sweetie, you look wonderful!” She said with excitement in her voice.

His brown hair was wet and neatly combed, his brown eyes matched his dark brown leather shoes. He had a jacket with white shirt along with a black tie and navy blue pants.

“Thanks Mom, we should get going, we’re going to be late.” Nick replied.

“Sure,”

Nick grabbed his lunch and his backpack and started to walk with his mother outside in a typical sunny suburban neighborhood. They both got in Sarah’s black Acura TL.

One day this is going to be my car.” Nick said.

“You wish.” Sarah replied as she started the engine and drove out of her driveway

A few minutes later into the drive Nick’s face looked pale as his eyes were locked at the other houses out the window and wouldn’t look towards his mother.

“Mother, I want to ask you something about Dad.”

Sarah felt a sudden urge to roll her eyes but resisted calmly as she took a U turn.

What about him, Nick?

He could feel his sweat drip down from his forehead and his anxiety levels escalating as he gripped the edge of his seat.

“I just don’t understand why you guys split apart. I mean, I rarely get to see him.” Nick explained.

“Well he’s a selfish prick for one thing, I know he’s your father but you know it’s true.” Sarah said.

“Yeah I guess so,” Nick replied.

“But there’s also something else you have to understand, sweetie.” Sarah said.

“What?”

“Your father did some very bad and dangerous things a long time ago.”

“Like what?”

“Like-“

A black van with bullet resistant wheels crashed into Sarah’s car. The windows broke and the impact made Nick and her mother injured. Nick looked down at himself and saw the blood from his mother and himself as he heard two doors from the van opened.

“Nick run,” her mother said in a weak voice.

“Why?” Nick asked

“Just do it,” She replied.

Before Nick could reach for the door a tactical smoke grenade was thrown into the car through the right side window. Nick found himself coughing and kept his eyes closed. The two men approached the perimeter of the car with pistols with suppressors attached onto them. One of them gave one look at Sarah before he raised his weapon up and shot her in the head with two bullets.

Nick heard the two shots and slightly opened his eyes and saw that blood has flied onto the front view window of the car.

“NO,” Nick said.

The second man opened up his door and grabbed Nick and pulled him out of the car.

“Get off of me!” Nick said.

The man didn’t listen and he shoved him into the back of the van. The two men dove into the back of the van along with Nick. Another two men closed the doors behind him. One of the men had a Tranquilizer gun and shot him.

“We got him let’s go!” One of the masked men said.

The van drove away from the crashed car in a high speed, leaving the crushed car and Sarah’s body.

Gentlemen, we have about two hours until the bus for Jack’s field trip is leaving. We need to coordinate security that secures the field trip bus.” Captain James Emerson said.

Six men in government official suits and ties were sitting at a long table with a projector with gray walls in the conference room of the secret service headquarters.

“I’m thinking a possibility is that we have two black vans follow the bus, one van in front of the bus and one van following the back of the bus. Along with an escort helicopter above just for cautionary reasons.” Mark Dunn said.

“It’s a good idea but I don’t think the helicopter is really necessary for this type of security matter.” Steven Young replied.

Well, I think we should have the escort helicopter inbound just in case.” Mark replied.

Actually I agree with Steven, I don’t think we should be overlooking the situation here. After all the approximate duration of the field trip is four hours. So I don’t think anything bad is going to happen.” Jay Wilson said.

“See? Jay agrees with me and I agree with him. Like he said, the field trip is only going to be about four hours, so let’s just take things easy for once. It’s not like anything major is going to happen.” Steven added.

“Alright Steven, let’s not make any assumptions. But I can see why an escort helicopter won’t be necessary. So it is decided we will have two vehicles escorting the bus. Dismissed.” James said to the rest of the men.

~

And I can assure you son you are in good hands when it comes to the measures of security.” President Andrew Peterson said to his son, Jack Peterson.

The president of the United States and his son were walking onto the peaceful and green grass of the white house garden. The sun was shining on the rose flowers and white perennial flowers of the garden with bright green grass surrounding the flowers.

“I know Dad, I just want to be sure.” Jack Peterson replied.

“I think you should be trusting the secret service a little more, don’t you think?”

I do trust them, it’s just that, what if one of them is a traitor?”

“Son, that’s highly unlikely everyone who has a job here, and at the secret service has been thoroughly checked.” Peterson confirmed.

Jack stopped walking and stared at the grass

“You’re going to be fine, son.”

“Alright Dad.”

~

Alright class so I think it’s pretty obvious by now, but I have to remind you that you will be on your best behavior during the whole trip.” Mr.Taylor said to the class while they were waiting outside of the high school for their bus to arrive.

A few of the students chuckled at him as they were waiting for their buses to pick them up for the field trip.

Two black vans approached the perimeter of the school. Once the van stopped near the students all four doors opened up.

“Well look who it is,” one student said.

Son of the president,” another student said.

Jack signaled an agent and headed towards the crowd.

“Hey Jack,” a unison of students said.

Hey guys what’s up?” Jack said in an arrogant tone.

Some people responded with a response like ‘good’, or ‘maybe better then you’ but someone else in the crowd scoffed.

“Is there a problem, John?” Jack asked

The attention of the crowd shifted from Jack to John.

“No, not at all, JACK.” John replied.

John was an A-honor roll student but the type of student that makes fun of someone for getting a B- on a test or someone that didn’t bring an actual sandwich for lunch. He was considered the ‘smart but jackass’ type by his peers, which the type of person he was did not usually occur amongst the population of the school itself.

Listen, if you got a problem you can address it to my damn face.” Jack said

“Alright gentlemen,” Mr Taylor stepped in.

I think we’ve had enough of this, wouldn’t you say?” He said as he put his hands on both of their shoulders

“And besides, the bus is here.” He added.

And it was true, the bus pulled up around the school and parked on the school’s roadway.

“Well, everyone get on one at a time and we will be there in no time, but first I have to make a phone call.” Mr.Taylor said.

The teacher backed away from the crowd he went to an area where no one could hear him.

“Where the hell is he going?” John asked.

“Like you should care,” Jack replied.


John scoffed and they both got on the bus along with the other students.

The teacher dialed in a number on his phone and listened to the ringtone as he watched the students. The person picked up.

“Target is on the move.” Taylor confirmed.

I’m assuming the target is in the bus, am I correct?” The distorted voice responded

Yeah he’s getting on the bus right now.” Taylor said as he saw Jack getting onto the bus.

How’s security there?” The distorted voice asked.

There are two vans escorting the bus, no air support though.”

“All according to the plan. Excellent, just make sure he stays on the bus and we’ll handle the rest.”

Alright, then.”

Mr.Taylor hung up and got onto the bus.

Noise and chatter filled the bus as it was driving onto the roads. The drive continued and the roads were busy. The two vans that were escorting the bus had four agents in each van with capital suits and P225’s that were loaded and ready to fire.

Back at the bus, one fifteen year old was staring at a girl.

“You like her?” Jack asked

“I don’t know, I guess.” The boy replied

You know, you two would make a pretty good couple.” Jack said.

Maybe,” The boy watched the young female giggle with her friends.

“You should go for it, man.”

“You think so?”

Yeah,”

The bus and the two vans suddenly stopped on a road with no other cars around. It was the type of road with woods on both sides and it was practically no man’s land.

“Hey, why are we stopping?” Jack asked.

“It looks like a park ranger is ahead.” The boy replied.

He was right, there was a ranger with a hat and uniform on and a car that blocked the road. Four agents in the front van stepped out of the van.

“Is there a problem here?” One of the agents asked.

“This part of the road has been closed for today.” The ranger said

Sir we need to proceed through this area right now on the command of the secret service.”

“Too bad,”

Bullets from submachine guns were swarming into the agents that were on the road. The four men had fallen on the road with several bullet wounds on their bodies. Eight men on the hills with masks approached the road with four men on the right and four men on the left. They approached the road with SMG’s points at the other van.

The students panicked in fear for their lives and started to scream. The park ranger took his pistol out of his holster and stepped towards the bus carefully with his gun aimed at it. Meanwhile, the two agents stepped out of the van with their pistols in their hands.

But it was too late, bullets have already shot towards their chests and they fell to the ground with blood starting to flood from their chests. One agent was about to open the door until the other one stopped him.

“Get down!” The second agents yelled.

Multiple bullets skewered through the windows and the sound of glass breaking escalated as the agents ducked in the little cover they had.

The park ranger continued to step towards the bus with his pistol and knocked on the door of the bus.

“OPEN UP THIS DOOR, NOW!” He said as he knocked hard on the door.

The bus driver already had his hands up and his heart was racing along with the rest of the students, except for the teacher.

“OPEN THIS DAMN DOOR!” The park ranger yelled.

The bus driver gave him a blank and cold face with his eyes wide open, but didn’t open the door.

“Don’t let him in,” one of the students cried out.

The ranger shot a bullet into the door and the glass shattered to pieces, and the students were screaming again.

“OPEN THIS DOOR OR I WILL SHOOT YOU!” The ranger demanded.

Four men continued to walk towards the van while spraying bullets into the windows. Suddenly they heard the click on their weapons and they had to reload. But before they can reach for their magazines, the two agents went up and fired at the men hitting all four of them.

The bus driver finally opened the door and the ranger got onto the bus.

“Listen up everybody, if you want to stay alive then you will have to follow my instructions.” The park ranger said as he looked at the terrified faces.

“A white truck is coming to this road, you are going to get off of this bus and you’re going to get into the white truck. Do not try anything stupid, we have fully automatic weapons and we are not afraid to use them.” He continued.

Both of the agents opened the doors of the van and took cover behind the van and stood in their cover as bullets continued to fire at them from the other four men.

“Look, I have to make a call to our headquarters so they can track us down, I need you to give me cover fire while I make the call.” The agent that saved their lives said.

“Alright, I’ll try my best” The other agent replied as bullets continued to penetrate against the van.

The other agent without stepping out of cover fired a few shots at the men with his pistol

The agent making the call speed dialed to their captain.

“This is Captain Emerson,” the captain said

“We’ve been compromised sir, and I’m requesting for back up!” The agent yelled.

“Christ, I hear the bullets, where are you?” Emerson Replied.

“We’re at Gallows road sir! I see a white truck approaching us!” He shouted of the sound of scattered bullets.

A white truck approached the road while gunfire continued to blaze through the air.

Everyone get off of this bus now!” The ranger said.

The terrified students stood up carefully and started walking slowly through the walk way of the bus with the ranger pointing his weapon to the students.

“Sir, they have fully automatic weapons and they’re taking the students to this truck at this moment!” The agent explained.

“I’m going to be sending vehicles and a helicopter to your location right now, do you think you can hold them off for ten minutes?” Emerson asked.

“I don’t think so sir, were under heavy fire!”

The students stepped off the bus and watched the other armed men fire their guns at the two remaining agents.

“Move it!” The ranger yelled

The students covered their ears and continued to walk to the truck. The ranger opened the door to the back of the truck. There was a long and hollow empty space. The students slowly stepped into the bus.

“Listen, this is what I need you to do. I need you to tell me any details of the truck so we can track it down.” Emerson explained.

The agent with the phone looked over to the truck with his partner still firing shots at the other men until he realized he emptied out his clip.

Damn it, I’m out of ammo.” He said.

“Here take this magazine.” The agent replied.

He tossed a magazine for his P225 to the other agent and he started to fire back at the other men.

“Alright, it’s a long white truck and I think the first two characters are J8.” The agent explained.

All the sudden his partner was shot down by bullets when he peaked out of cover.

“NO!” The agent yelled.

The men with the fully automatic weapons started to fall back from their positions and started to get back into the back of the truck along with the other students. One of the men closed the door of the truck and the truck drove off with the tires screeching. The agent dodged out of cover from the van and started to fire at the tires of the truck.

All of the bullets nearly missed the wheels of the truck. It was too late, the truck was gone and so were the son of the president and the other students.

“Damn it!” The agent shouted.

He speed dialed the number of his captain.

This is Emerson.”

“Sir I’m sorry they got away.”

Well then only one thing matters now, finding Jack.”

“Yes sir,”

“And one other thing, I’m grateful you are alive, you’re our best lead on this.”

“I’m grateful too, sir.”

He hung up and saw four secret service cars driving on the road in a straight line. The last car stopped near the agent.

“Ryan Colbert?” One of the agents in the van asked.

“Yes?” He replied

“Get in, quickly.”

~

Every coordinator and agent working at the headquarters was gathered around in the secret service headquarters and they were all looking up to the captain.

“Alright, listen up everyone!” Right now our priority is finding this truck, its white and the first two characters of the license plate is J8, I want everyone monitoring security cameras on the streets surrounding Gallows road and further on. And get local authority aware of this truck.” The captain said.

But sir, when are we going to tell the president about this?” A coordinator asked.

“FBI and CIA are already informed of this and they agreed to allow me to inform the president myself.” He responded.

Everyone continued to look at him, they all had worried looks on their faces. Probably because the secret service reputation will go downhill after the press finds out about what happened. Not only will the secret service will be shamed by the public but so will the president.

“Let’s find these kids, then we all get to go home.” The captain said.

His phone started to ring and everyone walked back to their stations.

“Emerson here,”

“Sir it’s me I think we need more vehicles on this operation.” Colbert said.

“Trust me Ryan, we are utilizing every resource we can use, but right now we only have what’s available.”

“Sir, oh my god.” He suddenly stopped and saw the white truck three cars ahead, he looked closer and saw the first two characters of the plate was J8.

“What? What is it?”

“I think I see the truck, I have to go sir!”

“You find those kids!”

They hung up and Colbert looked to the driver, Robert.

“Robert report in that we are in pursuit of the suspect’s truck.”

“All units we are pursuing the suspect on Ridgeburn road, I repeat we are pursuing the suspect.” Robert said.

Everyone in the car could feel the adrenaline running through their veins. The sirens went on and the helicopter was swerving above the suspect’s truck. There was a red light, and as soon it turned to a green light more secret service cars started to activate their sirens.

In a couple minutes the cars were behind the truck but the truck wouldn’t pull over. It continued to speed up and wouldn’t slow down.

“This has to be it!” Colbert said.

“We’ll see.” Robert replied.

The truck finally pulled over to a parking lot near a shopping center and it stopped. The other cars surrounding him with the helicopter above. Several men, including Colbert, got out of their cars and had their pistols up and surrounded the truck with men with guns.

Suddenly more back up and with four more cars driving in and men got out, this time they had assault rifles and combat vests.

“Step out of the truck with your hands up!” Colbert yelled.

There were two men in the front of the truck. They slowly opened the doors and got out of the truck. Neither of them weren’t wearing masks neither had weapons on them. They looked terrified with their hands up and then they looked at the back of the truck.

“Get on the ground!” Colbert said.

The two men slowly got onto their knees then drop themselves onto the ground. Colbert kept his eyes locked onto the two men with his pistol aimed towards them but then shifted his eyes towards the back of the truck.

“What’s in your truck, huh?”

“Nothing! It’s just boxes, please we didn’t do anything!” One of the men said.

“Shut up,” Colbert replied.

Robert and the other men slowly got into position as he was about to open the door. He opened the door and the truck was full of boxes in various sizes, the room was too full for anybody to be hiding in it.

“The kids aren’t in here, Ryan.” Robert reported.

“Damn it!” Ryan cursed.

“All units we do not have the suspect. I repeat we do not have the suspect.” Robert said in the tactical radio.

Ryan dialed his captain’s number.

“Yeah?”

“Sir, we lost them, turns out it’s not the truck we were looking for!”

“Shit, well I guess we have a whole lot on our hands huh?”

“Yeah,”

“Alright, were going to have a new meeting in the conference room in twenty minutes, I need you to be there.”

“Okay, I’ll be there. And sir, did you inform the president about this?”

“No, not yet. But I will soon.”

“Okay then.”

He hung up and watched Robert asking the men a few questions while the other agents were surrounding the perimeter of the truck, making sure that no one else was going to infiltrate the perimeter. Robert looked like he wasn’t getting anywhere with questioning the men. That being said the men looked innocent in the first place. Robert walked away from the men for a second and went up to Colbert.

“Hey, should we bring these guys in for questioning?” Robert asked.

“Yeah, I think something is up.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know about you Robert, but I don’t think it coincidental that two trucks with similar license plates crossed paths here.”

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m thinking maybe these guys were bribed to run a decoy truck.”

“Well, that would make sense.”

Colbert stopped, and he walked towards the men who were leaning against the body of the truck in handcuffs.

“Who hired you?” Colbert asked.

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The man said.

“What’s your name?”

“Julio, my name is Julio.”

“Alright Julio, if you don’t want to be brought in for interrogation you’re just going to answer one simple question.”

“Like I said, I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Damn it Julio, don’t make this any harder than it already is!”

“Alright fine! I didn’t knew his name, but he called me and somehow got my number.” Julio explained.

“And then?”

“And then he said he would give me a thousand dollars if I drove down a certain street at a certain time.”

“Is there any details you can give about this man, anything?”

“Uh, no not really. His voice was dark and distorted on the phone.”

“Alright were going to send a team to your house and were going to need your phone.”

“Sure,”

“Thanks Julio.”

Julio looked nervous, as in if they were going to arrest him. The sweat on his face dripped down to his cheeks and he wiped it off. Colbert walked up to Robert and nodded.


“Got the info we need?”

“Yeah apparently he was bribed by the kidnappers to drive down Ridgeburn road around the same time of the kidnapping.”

“Well at least we got the information we needed.”

“Yeah, listen, I have to be at this conference.”

“Go ahead, I’ll stay right here.” Robert interrupted.

Ryan got into his car, turned on the engine, and started to drive back to the headquarters.

~

Six members of the secret service were gathered around the conference room. It smelled like sweaty men in suits and a usual office scent at your typical day job. Even though it was in a different room, you could still hear keyboards clacking, phones ringing, and voices. There were gray walls painted on the walls to give that old fashion look with a big wooden table with chairs and a projector. The captain was standing there except for everyone else, with a worried look.

“Okay, I know we made a big mistake but right now we don’t have time to think about that mistake, we have to move on and focus on the present. There were twenty nine people on that bus, FBI is investigate each student and their parents, our job here is to focus on our leads that we have so far. Ryan, please explain to us our first two leads.” The captain requested with a tight manner.

“Yes sir, one of the leads happen to be myself, I was the only surviving agent of the unit that was deployed to protect Jack Peterson. The other lead we have is this truck driver, Julio Fernando.” Ryan explained.

He loaded up a picture of Julio Fernando, he had a black thin mustache with black hair. He was brown eyes and Latino and looked nervous when the picture was taken.

“Julio Fernando was a truck driver that got bribed by the kidnappers to drive down to Ridgeburn road approximately 11:45 AM.” Ryan explained.

“So how are we going to use Julio as a lead?” Agent Steven Young asked.

“I’m thinking we can call the number that the kidnappers used and use a tracer to determine the location of the phone then we get SWAT units to infiltrate the area.”

“Remember everyone, this is a kidnapping, every second, every minute, every hour counts and anything could happen. We are running this investigation of the kidnapping of Jack Peterson and other students along with the FBI & CIA.” Captain Emerson explained.

Everyone looked at the captain with the pressure on their hands they knew that the coming hours weren’t going to be easy. They knew everyone would have to fill up on work along with both of the federal agencies that are collaborating as well.

“Alright everyone, that’s all for now!” Captain Emerson said.

All of the men stood up and walked out of the conference room and got back to work. Agent Mark Dunn suddenly approached Colbert.

“Hey Ryan, can I talk to you for a second?” Mark asked.

“Yeah sure,” Colbert replied.

They both opened the glass doors to the conference room which nobody was in except for the two of them and they closed the doors shut.

“So, what do you need?” Colbert asked.

“I need you to keep this between you and me.” Mark said in a lower voice.

“Sure, what it is?”

“I think Steven might be a traitor.” Mark said.

“What? How could you think that?”

“Look, this morning, he really insisted on not having air support. If we had air support none of this probably would’ve happened and I think Steven knew that!” Mark explained.

They both looked at each other and then looked at Steven who was working in his cubicle.

Okay, so let’s not jump to conclusions here, but is there anything else about him that is suspicious?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah, sometimes I’ve seen him gone into private rooms and stays there for like five minutes and then comes out every now and then.”

“And what do you think he’s doing in there?”

“Probably giving intel away to the kidnappers!”

“Look, we don’t have evidence that he’s a traitor.”

“All I’m saying is that we should be keeping an eye on him.”

“Alright then. I can do that but let’s not jump to any conclusions until we get proof yet okay?”

“Okay, okay! Fine!”

They both looked at Steven again, he was Asian with dark brown hair with a hair style that was trying to be more charming then it already looked. Both of them stepped out of the conference room and returned to work.

~

President Andrew Peterson was working on some political documents in his office in the white house. Apparently the stress on him was gradually increasing everyday but he did a good job of managing it. After all he is the president of the United Sates. His eyes shifted towards his secretary, Joan Allen.

She had bright brown hazelnut eyes with short brown hair and was Caucasian and was quite tall for a woman. She approached him with her hands to her side and was in a calm stance.

“Mister President,” She said

“Yes Joan? What is it?” Peterson replied.

“It’s Captain James Emerson, he needs to speak to you.” She replied nervously.

“James? It’s been quite a while since I’ve talked to him.”

“I know sir, but he says it’s urgent.” Joan said.

“Okay, bring him in.”

Joan nodded to the secret service agent standing near the door, he opened the door and the appearance of Captain James Emerson was made on the doorway of the oval office. He walked towards the president and Joan and tried to remain calm. But the news was just too jaw breaking.

“Joan, will you excuse us please?” Emerson said in a firm voice.

She nodded and went to the doors and closed it after she exited the office.

“It’s been a while, James.” The president said.

“Yes sir, I know.”

“So what brings you here today?” The president asked.

“Uh,”

He stuttered and paused for a moment. This was not easy news to break to but he was trying mentally to find to delicately tell it as possible.

“What is it James?”

He looked down at the floor for a second and looked back up to the president.

Sir, your son and twenty eight other kids have been kidnapped including the two adults on the bus.”

The news shocked him, he looked down for a second and couldn’t think of something to say. He suddenly stood up from his chair and walked towards the window. He stared at it for a few seconds and he could feel tears coming down his cheeks.

“How could you let that happened James?” The president’s voice shuttered.

I’m sorry sir, I failed.” James spoken with shame.

The president stopped looking at the window and turned around, facing James.

“When did this happen?” He asked.

“About an hour ago, sir.”

“Damn it James!” He cried out.

“That’s my son! My son has been kidnapped by terrorists and god knows what they might demand!” The president added.

“I know sir.” James said,

“James, if you do not find my son and those other kids. Then you will be relieved of your duties.” The president said.

The news came to a shock to James. It was something he wasn’t expecting. And now he needed the people at his work more than ever.

“Yes sir.” James replied.

“Have the other parents been informed?”

“Yes sir.”

“Is there anything else?”

“No sir.”

“You find them James!”

“Yes sir, I will.”

As James left the white house he had doubt in the last sentence he said to the president.

~

A man with gray hair who was around fifty years old was standing in a room, waiting for a call. The man looked at all the monitors in the room that lit up the dark room.

That’s when he heard his phone suddenly ring.

“Hello?” He said.

“We got the kids, including the president’s son.”

“Good, were we successful with the decoy truck?”

“Yes, sir,”

“Everything is all going according to plan. Let me know when they get to the facility.” The man said.

“Yes sir.”

He hung up and shut down the monitors and walked out of the room and closed the door shut. Suddenly he was in a hallway with white walls and a red carpet. He kept walking and found a man approaching him.

“Mister vice president, the president wants to see you in his office.” The man said.

“I’ll get to him right away, thank you.” The vice president replied.

He walked to the oval office and saw the president sitting at his desk with his hands covering his eyes.

“I’m here, mister president.” The vice president said.

“Oh god, Blake, my son has been kidnapped!”

“Oh my god, that’s terrible!” The vice president responded.

“Just think of those parents Blake, and I’m just wondering every second what they are doing to my son and those other kids.”

“I hope they will not do bad things to your son and those kids.”

“I hope so too, Blake.” The president said.

~

A women suddenly rushed into the secret service headquarters with a visitors pass. She was blonde and had green eyes and had a terrified look on her face.

“Can I help you mam?” Colbert asked.

“Yes, I just got a call from the kidnappers and I have it in a recording!” The women shrieked.

“Okay mam, let me gather some people around here and we will listen do it okay?”

“Okay.”

Ryan Colbert ran up to Emerson’s office. This time, Emerson had his hands covering his eyes.

“Sir is there something wrong?” Colbert asked.

“No, what is it?” Emerson requested.

“It’s one of the parents, she got a call from a kidnapper.” Colbert replied.

Emerson didn’t say anything, he got up from his chair and gathered the six men and the woman. Everyone was gathered at the conference room including Colbert. And they were all going to listen to the recording.

“Alright let’s play it.” Emerson said.

The woman hit the play button to her recording device.

You have one new voice message, Hello, I’m calling because I have your son or daughter right now, and today you’re going to have to make some decisions regarding your child. You have to ask yourself, how far are you willing to go to save your child? You can start by gathering ten thousand dollars and bring it to an address that we will deliver to you shortly. Do not take this to the authorities or we will kill your child. This message is being said to all parents at the same time. Right now it is 1:20 PM. You have twenty four hours to deliver the money and meet our demands or we will kill your child.”

23 hours and 47 minutes are remaining

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

Since this is on the longer side I'm going to review as I go. Please ignore my ignorance if I comment on something that gets fixed later on in the chapter or something like that.

He slowly took five footsteps towards Nick’s direction and rested his hand on Nick’s shoulder.

I'm not so sure about the part that I underlined. I feel like it's information that we really don't need. Who cares if he walks over to Nick or not? The bottom line is that he puts his hand on Nick's shoulder. Your chapter is so fast paced that if you keep the part about him walking, it slows it down a bit.

I'm not a huge fan of the whole "18 hours earlier" thing. Why not just start the chapter off with those events? Why do we need the flashback? I'd rather read a story in chronological order than one that keeps flashing back to previous events. Although I feel like you might want to create drama and leave us hanging at that point. We'll see how the rest goes and then I'll come back to this point and talk about it more.

A black van with bullet resistant wheels crashed into Sarah’s car.

We really don't need to know that the van has bullet resistant wheels. Or bullet resistant windows or bullet resistant anything really. The only thing that's important to us, and especially to Nick, is that a black van hit their car.

The van drove away from the crashed car in a high speed, leaving the crushed car and Sarah’s body.

“Gentlemen, we have about two hours until the bus for Jack’s field trip is leaving. We need to coordinate security that secures the field trip bus.” Captain James Emerson said.

You should have a break between these two paragraphs. Either use asterisks or a line. I was quite confused as I read on, wondering why these men who killed Sarah and kidnapped Nick were being so concerned about the field trip. Then I realized that we they weren't the same men, but secret service agents.

So, Jack seems like a complete *** ***. I'm sure you can figure out what words I was going to use there... He's so freaking arrogant. Just because he's the president's son doesn't mean he can come to school and pick fights with the kids and act like he owns the world. He needs to calm his ish down and realize he's a person just like anyone else.

Okay, focusing on the kidnapping scene now. One thing that is a bit unrealistic here is how fast these men get rid of the secret service agents. The secret service agents would most definitely have on bullet proof vests. So the ones that got shot in the chest wouldn't have blood pouring out of them. In fact, they'd be fine except for the fact that they had been hit by a bullet. Now I've never had on a bullet proof vest and gotten shot at, and I'm sure you haven't either. But I assume that the force from the bullet would be enough to make the agents fall down. After that they'd probably get back up and rush to save Jack. Just something to think about when you're editing through.

Alright, you've definitely put a lot of intense moments in this story. You had me on the edge of my seat as I read through this. I'm really into stories with a lot of action and this one most definitely had action.

One thing I'd like to say though is that there's an awful lot of dialogue in this chapter. Dialogue is nice, but you really need to balance it out with some description and/or character thoughts and such. Just add some more punch to this rather than just the action. What is Jack thinking? How was Nick feeling as he got dragged into the van? Little things such as that go a long way.

This idea is a really good one. It does sound a lot like that show Crisis that they show on NBC though. It seems like the same premise and everything. Just make sure that if this does happen to be based off of that kind of show and that kind of situation, make it your own. No one wants to here the same story told over again.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · May 25, 2014

Hello Tilgen, Wolf here to review your work.
First off, this is quite a bit for only being one chapter, and especially the first. Now there is nothing wrong with long chapters, but I think over 6,000 words is a little bit overkill. (And yes, I did count every single word... With a word counter.) Maybe, just for the sake to get more reviews and helpfulness, shorten it down or split it into parts and post each different part.

Because this story is so incredibly long, I shall not nitpick for the sake of my sanity, your sanity, and time constraints. I do want to mention though, that the translation should be a marked better. Perhaps bold the '18 hour earlier..." or perhaps have some line of symbols to make it clear that the time frame is changing.

The windows broke and the impact made Nick and her mother injured.

Alright here I couldn't resist. You just say 'they get injured' but how? Was a leg broken? Was someone cut by broken glass? Were they alright, just barely scratched up? Add the little details, it helps paint an image in the reader's head.

Another thing I don't understand is, how was the van not totaled like Nick's car? I mean it was, from what I understand, in a head in collision with another car and it still is fine? I really doubt that. Maybe add some description of how maybe the fender was bumped or the front was bent.

So, Jack is supposed to be the President's son. However, if that is the case, why in the world would he be going to a public school? This doesn't make sense. I personally think that the President's child would be home schooled instead of going to a public school. One more realistic issue, how did all those kids fit into one truck? I assume there's an entire school bus of kids and I'm seeing a regular sized truck. Maybe to add to the challenge, you could have had several trucks coming to get the kids, it will make it more intense.

In some spots I see that the story has very nice descriptions of the surroundings, but in other the story leaves us with nothing. Try to balance it out more, so the reader can get a picture in their mind of where everything is happening.

Overall I like this pieces. It's a unique idea and I think you could really go places with this. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

Noelle replied · May 25, 2014

"And yes, I did count every single word...with a word counter" xD

Well I did. There is nothing wrong with the truth.

Noelle replied · May 25, 2014

I know. I just found it really funny :)

User avatar
MadamKroft
Review
MadamKroft wrote a review Review · May 17, 2014

I think the idea behind this is absolutely fascinating! I would love to keep reading more, but I do feel like the Chapter/ Part is a bit long. I'm no expert, and you don't really have to take my advice. I'm just trying to help! :)

“Jack, this isn’t the time to do this now!” Nick said to him in a rushed and voice full of panic.

I had to pause here because the sentence seemed awkward. Perhaps: Nick said to him in a rushed voice full of panic, "Jack, this isn’t the time to do this now!”

On the outline of the perimeter of the walls surrounds them with several weapon racks including assault rifles such as T91’s, XM8’s & Safire T-15’s.

Once again, sentencing seemed awkward in the beginning. How about: "On the outline of the perimeter, walls surround them with several weapon..." and so on.

...and into Nick’s nose sensing fear around his surroundings.

(I have to admit it's getting hard to follow for me at this point, but that's probably because I'm easily confused)

Nick let out a sigh and witnessed Jack catch hold of a loaded semi-auto Glock-17 and grabbed a M8 smoke grenade and a stun grenade.

Too many ands can cause a sentence to be weak and lose it's suspense for the reader. Be careful!

“Nick, come on sweetie you don’t want to be late for the field trip.” Sarah Bentley said she was getting his lunch ready.

You mean: Sarah Bentley said *when* she was getting his lunch ready.

Nick grabbed his lunch and his backpack and started to walk with his mother outside in a typical sunny suburban neighborhood.

Careful about the ands! Re-phrase into something like this: Nick grabbed his lunch and his backpack, then proceeded to exit the house with his mother.

A few minutes later into the drive Nick’s face looked pale as his eyes were locked at the other houses out the window and wouldn’t look towards his mother.

There is potential for more detail. The detail can help us prepare for the emotional upcoming question.

A black van with bullet resistant wheels crashed into Sarah’s car. The windows broke and the impact made Nick and her mother injured. Nick looked down at himself and saw the blood from his mother and himself as he heard two doors from the van opened.

This paragraph should be thoroughly described because it's a huge event that should shock Nick and cause some sort of major emotion to arise.

“NO,” Nick said.

Nick shouldn't just say something, but perhaps yell, scream, or whisper. Maybe replace "said" with "screamed".


Remember, I'm no expert, and you don't have to edit your work at all if you don't want to! I really like the idea behind this, and I hope it goes far. :)



coffee and writing is a superior duo
— LadyBug