Sitting alone at the lunch table
It's the worst feeling in the word.
Where have all my friends gone?
Why did they all leave me?
.
I miss you guys, I miss our laughs.
The jokes that we alone shared.
Did you lose interest?
Or was I finally too much for you to bear?
.
My eyes full of tears as I eat
Don't let them fall, don't let them see.
It's a weakness to cry here
It's a weakness to be sad in school.
.
I walk in around the school a few times,
Hoping I don't see anymore groups of friends,
Ones that remind me of us.
I do though, I see them everywhere.
.
Come back to me please,
Don't make me sit here alone.
Don't make me cry
Don't let our friendship die.
.
Sitting alone at the lunch table
It's the worst feeling in the word.
Where have all my friends gone?
Why did they all leave me?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This was a very good poem. Because of it's simple structure, there isn't any rhythm breaks or rhyming mistakes. It was simple and sweet, which gives it a little charm.
This was a very relatable piece for me, since I encountered a situation like this just about a year ago. It made it that much better.
The only thing I can see that needs to be nitpicked is that you missed the "l" in "world" on the first and last stanza. But other than that, there aren't any noticeable mistakes.
Very nice job.
~Patchwork Study
Hi there!
First off, I really admire the formatting, although some may call it basic I think it's pretty nice
Secondly, as null says below me, figurative language, would be nice, as would some onomatopoeia or alliteration.
Thirdly, perhaps consider changing the title. I think this piece has the potential to have a real nice title but the current one methinks is unimaginative.
Fourthly The last line/verse could possibly have been a little more final than it was.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
Thank you, it does help
The material is really raw and comes from the heart. I really do love this piece, especially the part about showing weakness through tears.The blunt feelings one gets is really expressed well in this poem. Maybe, however, you should use a little more (and this will sound a little cliche) figurative language. You're so up front about everything; it does create an effect. However, without the figurative language, it seems more cliche than heartfelt and with the figurative language, you can go deeper into that emotion. If you rewrite this, be sure to keep this draft, as it is really good, to, but also go deeper into the emotions you felt while you were alone. Maybe, also, go into the reactions of others around you. Were they staring at you or ignoring you? How did that make you feel? Why? Keep aking why and keep going deeper into your emotions.
Thank you for your suggestions. I'll be using those for my next poem piece
Hello there! I'm here to write a review, but before I do, I'd like to say welcome to YWS!
This was really well written! As I was reading I empathizing with the writer, which is good! I was going "Oh man, I know that feeling all too well" at the first two lines. Sitting alone at the lunch table is, indeed, the worst feeling in the world. Especially when you're in school. I don't really find anything wrong with this, so I guess your poem is all good! It really was well written and well thought out, so points to you! I look forward to reading more of your works in the future, but till then, keep writing!
Cheers,
GrapeNerd
Thank you
Hey, Midnightrose! Thanks for sharing.
Here's a nitpick I caught on my first read-through:
"us" is the word used as an object. So for example "they like US". What do they like? They like the object. The object is us.
In this sentence, "us" is not an object of any verb, but instead the people ARE SHARING -- they are the subjects! That means you should use "we" in this line instead.
Okay, now as for the material, I feel like it's really honest. I've been in a few situations like this, and it's especially painful in school 'cause you might run into those people at any time and again be reminded of how you can't just go up and greet them anymore for whatever reason.
I would, however, like to see a little more specifics on the situation. At one point the speaker mentions "or was I just too much for you to bare?" and that makes me wonder what the speaker does that might be too much for someone to bear -- I have no idea! Also "bare" is like uncovering something, but "bear" is carrying something, so you should fix the spelling here, too!
I'd also like to see some specifics of how the friends avoid the speaker. And really, in the end, I want to know why! I guess you may want to leave the story open and not go into the reasons, but in that case I'd suggest trying to build the emotions more. Right now we have a character saying "I feel bad and I'm crying", but we don't really feel the emotions with her, and that means when we finish reading the poem, we might forget about it instead of carry the feeling with us.
I hope these comments and suggestions make sense. PM me or write a reply if you have any questions about what I've said!
Good luck and always keep writing~
Hannah
Thank you, I will fix the grammar mistakes. Like I said, this is something I came up with in a few minutes. I haven't written poetry in a while, so I'm a bit rusty. I might take the same idea though, and use your suggestions to make it better. Thank you
No problem! Keep practicing at poetry and read some other poems around here, and you'll keep getting better!