z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Siege, Chapter one:No chance to succeed

by Alchemist


Word count: 3.563

Alice

Revolution. It was Shael who taught her that word. It had to be preserved, but not everyone was worthy to be its guardian.

"Hey there, little girl", the man approached her such a long time ago. His body made a nice, soothing shadow, and for a moment, the sun's bites perished.

At the time, she could only see his left shoe. She was scared to death when the shoe appeared before her face, in a blink of an eye. But quite some time had passed since she could have moved her body. The heat took all of her strength hours ago, and she knew she was to die soon. Sand had filled her eyes, nose and mouth. She would have screamed the moment she saw the first vulture watching her, sitting still on the rock, if she only could.

Her tribe had abandoned her. She thought they loved her, but not even tearfull faces and mother's begging for forgivness when they left her alone could convince her there was a sip of humanity inside of them. They couldn't feed her, in these barren lands, so they decided to throw her away. Like a used rag.

"Do you know what revolution means?", the shoe had asked her.

Water, she wanted to beg, but only desparate cry left her throat. She had barely moved her forefinger, in a poor attempt to touch the shoe. It was too far away.

"Far above the vast blue skies", the shoe had moved and started talking dramaticly. The sun washed on her once again, but her skin was so burnt that it didn't even make any difference. "Are the countless worlds with thousand lives." She heard his laughter when he made that poor rhyme. "Thousands of planets my dear. Each star on the nightsky is a sun as bright as ours. And each one of them has their own planets, just like the one we are standing on."

I will die. Water!

"Each one of those planets", the shoe had stopped before her face again, and the shadow covered her whole body, "revolves around those suns. That is, my princess, one kind of revolution."

Is this what the Death looks like? Poor vultures won't have too much of a feast anyway. She felt it was her last thought. She closed her eyes.

"But not the one we are interested in", voice echoed from before her. Man's cool breath covered her face.

She opened eyes in disbelief only to see grown up man crouching on all four deep in sand. His eyes were black, just as his hair. She had never seen such a dark color before.

He stood up now that he caught her attention once again. Now that she didn't give up.

He might save me, he doesn't look like death at all, she thought at the time. His breath smelled like strawberries. Death's breath wouldn't smell like strawberries.

"Now, do you want to know about revolution, kid?", his voice was more harsh this time. "I will save you anyway, but remember, the way of the revolution is the way of truth."

Say something! She screamed back then. The sand inside her throat and mouth hurt her, and nothing meaningful came out yet again.

"Do you? Fight what opresses you, kid!", he screamed.

She heard wings flapping around. She would speak, or she would become dinner. Another set of barks left her mouth. The tear dipped the sand beneath her eyes. "Yes!", she finally managed to whisper.

"Good, beautiful. You just chose yourself a path of revolution". The man crouched before her. He lifted her head, and dipped little bit of water inside her mouth. She coughed, and managed to spit some of the sand out. She felt the greatest satisfaction in her life when the water washed her eyes and her face. But then he lifted her, and tossed her over his shoulder. The white, thin cloth covered her completely. Silk, she learned later. The most beautiful material she had ever felt.

"Now", he stood in place for a second, "don't you die. We have a long way to walk."

Alice wasn't sure which emotion she felt about this memory. Anger, because what she had to do right now might be worse than death in the middle of the dessert. Gratitude, since he saved her and shown her the cruel reality this world had. Or respect, for he made of her what she was today. Love, perhaps...

Her big, black boots were merciless towards the little branches covering the forest floor, and sometimes the poor little snails. But the boots themselves were nothing more but pieces of leather glued together.

She was furious since the tree branches were grabbing the giant backpack that she wore, but there was nothing she could do about it. She aimed her anger, together with the massive army knife towards the innocent rabbit. He would make a tasty little dinner before they go.

She consulted the map and the compass, and kept walking the same direction. Soon enough, there was a campfire burning in the distance. She hurried her step a bit, being unable to hide her excitement.

Finally she broke out of the thick forest, and found herself at the round clearing where there was a hut, campfire and six logs. There was no one here yet. Well, she was early, and none of them was a type of man to come early. But at least she was certain none will be late.

She untied her blonde hair, which was long enough to touch her shoulders. Her figure was slender, but muscular. She was a beautiful woman.

She took off her backpack and tossed it next to the campfire. It had to fly a few meters to reach its destination. Before she found her log, she picked up a stick from the ground. The rabbit won't skin and ram himself to that stick all alone, anyway.

About the time she put the rabbit near the fire, the the cracking was to be heard from somewhere in the forest. Ah, the "loud" one. He had made so much fuss in the capital.

Sixty year old man cursed when the branch he tried to move slapped him across the face, but he found himself inside the clearing right after.

"This place is a hell itself!", he yelled.

"Daston", she almost whispered, turning her head away and focusing on the rabbit.

"And you must be Alice!" he said from behind. Getting closer, he continued, a little bit calmer: "Woah. Whatta piece we have there."

"The rabbit is mine", she made it sound as stubborn as can be.

"I never noticed the rabbit", he answered while taking his place, on a log next to her.

She became furious once again, but she never let him see. No one could maintain the stoic face better than she could. All the lonely years made her that way.

The old man unhooked the strap holding his guns and ammunition. He did it four more times, the armament making a nice pile beside him.

"I knew you would be early", he declared thoughtfully, smiling for himself.

The old pervert! She felt hot blood filling her cheeks. He would come early just to have time to bother me? Shael should better hurry or he'd have to come up with another plan!

"You look a bit like her", he then said. "I think you have the same eyes."

And then she couldn't be angry anymore. She had read about his life, and his Dana. He must be talking about her. "You can have some rabbit meat", she have had said, not daring to look at the man. "What was she like?" Daston grabbed a stick with a roasted meat and started eating, slowly.

"I can't even remember. But I'm sure she had an eyes as beautiful as yours", he told her. "Ahhhh", he exhaled, "I think either Hashi or Fade will arrive next."

From their bios, those two were quite the fierce man. Hashi, the carrier of a long lost culture and art of swordsmanship. They practiced it somewhere near the southern borders, but he was the last one of his kind. The State eradicated the entire school of Hāto, with the excuse of carrying deadly disease. He had once written a book just for her, which helped her get strong.

It was strange how no State citizen ever reacted, even though the medicine was near perfect. It was hundreds of years ago when the last victim to a disease was recorded.

The people in this state are being controlled for such a long time by now, that they don't even think by themselves anymore. So is the word 'revolution' long forgotten. But the way they are now, they would rather kill anyone using that word. Shael was well aware of that.

The other one, Fade, she didn't know much about. He was the one who had to work alone.

"What do you know about Fade?" she asked Daston.

He stopped cleaning his nails with the knife of his own, and looked at her. "I know he is in the party with five of us. I know that the voice... Shael picked him."

The poor man could never get rid of that habit.

"What more would you need?" he continued.

Yes, he had the right.

"Why are you doing this?" he suddenly asked her. That was so straightforward he made her loose her firmness once again today.

"Because I owe my life to that man. It's his to do with it whatever he likes", she answered.

"You know he wouldn't make you do this if you really didn't want to."

She knew it. "Then why are you?" she asked only to buy some time. She had to dig to the bottom of her heart to be able to answer his question.

"Me?" he smiled. "There is nothing else for me in this world."

He was so sincere that it hurt. "I do it because I trust Shael. What he does is right", she said.

"Yes...he is kinda like them, you know?" he said pointing his thumb to the large mountain lurking behind them, which they never dared to look at so far. "He calculates everything, and you feel like he can't fail. And you know hell awaits you when you are near him. But, my dear, that is not your reason either. Try harder."

She pouted. "Then what!" she said loud. Then she let it slip through her lips.

"It's because I want to."

He gave her a soft smile, and then seemed like he got lost in his thoughts. She had only now noticed his face was covered with pale scars. Scars people inside that mountain were trying to carve in for such a long time. But she wasn't afraid. Shael had trained her well enough.

They both looked deep in the forest only to see two men coming. It seemed like Hashi and Fade had met and traveled together.

"It must mean the time of the gathering is near; those two wouldn't be early a second", Daston whispered to her.

The men emerged from the south, the mountain being north-west from her. She noticed they never glanced towards it either. They walked without a word. Hashi was the one carrying only sword on his back, not even a backpack. His hair was tied tightly into a bun back at his nape. He wore a long, gray bathrobe-like outfit made of silk. He also had a black hair, although not as black as Shael. As if there were more than one shades of black.

Fade was frightful sight himself. The man wore dark-blue coat, with lifted collar. He had something strapped tightly at his back. His hands could easily belong to a lumberjack judging by their size, but they were somehow familiar. He could probably squeeze a human skull with those hands. But it was not them to draw the attention. It was the scars around his mouth, sewing scars. He looked like a creature from her nightmares. Now that she thought, he could easily be carrying a body strapped back there.

And it was Daston making her loose her wits so far.

The moment those two reached the clearing, door of the hut opened.

"I tell you, I spent the last year calculating it", a young man's voice was heard, "we have zero chance of success. Zero!"

It was Shael who first came out, followed by the last one of the party.

The smart, but the weak one?

The guy was rather her height, and maybe few years older than her. That reminded her that she was, with her nineteen years, the youngest one of the crew. Dan was the only one younger than forty, being twenty-six.

Shael tapped his back. "Would it make difference if we had one percent? Or fifty?"

Dan nodded, still looking worried. It's because they couldn't afford to fail at all. What is worse, they never really got to know why.

Shael was as stunning as always. Tall man, wearing a brown pants, and a black sweater. His short hair was as dark as always and those eyes, piercing through whatever they were pointed at.

Dan was the one she was afraid of. He could have been the spy. State knew something was going on, and what's the better way for them to deal with rebels they knew nothing about, than to provide them with perfect material. Anyway, she had no time to think it through again. She had to trust Shael.

She noticed Hashi was red in face. Daston leaned over to her:"It seems Fade is not the chatty one", he tried to whisper. No one heard him, but she thought the joke was stupid nevertheless.

"We are just in time", Hashi stated, trying to be as calm as possible. Considering his bio, she had always thought he was silent guy. Being near Fade must have made him nervous. She knew it would make her.

"Everyone sit down", Shael ordered. It felt as if the silence itself stood among them, as soon as they took their places.

"What we are about to begin today must not fail", he announced. Dan looked as if he would complain, but he remained silent. "It is for the sake of humanity. It is for the sake of justice. It might be for the sake of existence itself."

Daston was the one staring into the fire, and Fade seemed like he didn't look at anything in particular. Hashi observed him with respect, and Dan... he looked like a little puppy standing by its owner's leg. Damn that weakling. But he had a gun and a few rounds strapped around his hips, and he didn't look physically weak at all. Damn that man!

"You may leave now", Shael broke her thoughts. He looked her in the eyes, "or you will go inside risking your life knowing we have zero chance of success", he continued talking to everyone.

Silence. No one will speak. None of them can betray him. Dan looks uncomfortable.

Sound of the sword unsheathing. "My blade is at your service." Fade nodded. Dan kept looking at him, and Daston looked as frightened as ever.

"Well", Daston spoke, "I spent almost thirty years inside. I can withstand one more. But promise me, if I get caught, you will kill me yourself."

"There would be no need for that", Shael replied. Dan again was looking like he would complain. Maybe the odds for the old one are not so good, is what she thought and regretted instantly. He was a good man after all, she wouldn't like him to die.

"Well then, Alice?" Shael said. His voice echoed the forest. His eyes were scanning her.

"Me? Why me?" she nervously said. This crew was something else. They made her loose all of her mind. Why are you doing this? Daston's words reminded her. "I’m here because I want to", she sounded a bit like a stubborn little girl.

Shael smiled warmly, the way he always smiled to her. Am I in love? And why the hell didn't he ask Dan? He looks like he would rather be somewhere safe anyway. Now that she thought, Dan came with Shael. She was jealous. What’s wrong with me! Contain yourself Alice, now!

"That sets it. Dan, bring the suits", Shael ordered. Dan nodded, and hurried into the hut.

"And you?" Daston broke the silence. Hashi, intrigued, observed the old man and Fade himself looked surprised. It was the first time the man had shown the emotion so far. He was bald, and his eyes were green, which was unusual, but they were the most human thing about him.

"You know I can't tell you. But you know it's important." Daston didn't look satisfied at all, but he slightly nodded.

She didn’t notice when Shael moved beside her. "Get your weapons ready. We can't afford to wait for anyone." He sounded somehow like a worried father.

She realized she was getting lost in thoughts way too much. Everyone was ready: Daston had his weapons strapped and got long brown coat who knows when. The silent duo didn't change anything, and Dan came out with big trash bag over his back and a notebook in his other hand.

She unpacked her backpack, which contained a normal-sized one, rounds of ammunition and a disassembled sniper. Ammunition ended up strapped in cross across her chest, and the gun was put together in a matter of seconds.

"Last thing", Shael said. Everyone recognized the sign and pulled out dozens of papers tied together.  Shael's instructions; they had all learned them to the letter by now. The papers fell into the fire one by one. It was somewhat scary watching the blank first pages with the five names on, burning into the ashes.

As soon as the papers were gone, Shael took over the trash bag, and faced the mountain. "Let’s move!"

Everyone stood there frozen, watching the vertical cliff standing beside them, and a giant mountain spreading behind. Fort Mountain, and the city built inside it. The pride of the nation. It was so exclusive that, once you get in, you may never again get out. Yet so many have dreamt about working inside the fabled Fort Mountain. If they only knew.

It was the unbreakable fortress. And they are going to assault it.

The group of five finally started following Shael, one by one, Daston being last. He swallowed the lump, and hurried.

It must be painful going back there again, his personal hell. She had to shake these thoughts off. They were threatening to make her run away crying.

The dawn was approaching. Soon enough, they came across the ten meter high steel pipe. The ladders were sloppily welded to its side. It must be Shael's work. He threw the bag into the grass, and it revealed white outfits and bags.

There was no need to instruct them. They all knew what to do. She had often thought about this: Shael actually never needed them. He needed their abilities, and he needed hands. He couldn't be at six places at once. Chess pieces. That's what they were.

He carefully planned each of their moves. One year of life inside the place where everyone wants you dead. Will I manage? But he trained her for this by himself. Of course she could manage it.

Soon enough they were all in hermetically closed outfits with tiny bottles of air. All of their equipment they couldn't store in had its own bag, like her gun.

One by one, they climbed the pipe. There, a narrow opening through a one meter thick pipe awaited them. How the hell did he cut it? The opening was sealed before; now that it's open, green smoke was pouring out.

It was the pipe leading all of the Mountain's waste out, built like that all the way to the desserts.

They were all inside. Shael had the only lamp, and led the way. Since they left the hut, no one said a thing. It was a little bit sinister, but just as expected.

They found themselves in front of a large door.

"It's time", Shael said.

With his sword on his back, Hashi flexed his muscles.

Once they go through that door, she will not have a single moment to rest. Not a single moment to stutter. She will not fail.

The door moved by itself, and the toxic waste started pouring out. Everyone hugged the wall, trying not to be taken away by the force of pouring liquid, but Shael pushed through it with ease, thus entering the fort. Since he was the only one able to do it, the rest of them had to wait.

Finally the door started closing, but there was still waste bursting out. They all trusted Hashi. He won’t fail them now. He must fail us never, to be precise.

When the door was only few centimeters wide and still closing, Hashi stepped right in front of it, inserting his fingers. The waste was slowing down. He screamed, and the door started opening once again.

All the waste ran out.

From the inside, they all could hear danger alarms turning on. Here it goes!

They slipped in. It has finally begun. There is no turning back.


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Sun Nov 16, 2014 12:40 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Alchemist! Me again :3

Sorry for the delay it took for me to get here, but I'm back now to continue with the novel I adopted. You have got a lot of pretty good reviews on this chapter too, so this will be another short and sweet xD

I think you did a pretty good job of introducing us to these new characters. I can see how there was a bit of a jump between times from when we got to this chapter from the prologue. It was also interesting to see how Alice was saved by this person and now feels as if her life is indebted to them. I liked when you showed us her at her darkest moment and needing the most help. It made us get to know that character a lot better before all the others were introduced.

if she only could.


I would switch the order of the two words in the middle, just because it sounds better that way in general.

Death's breath wouldn't smell like strawberries.


This makes it almost sound as if she is certain that death wouldn't be that way. But what I would love would be to see this character doubting herself a bit more. This could be death for all she knows, or it could not be. Have her question her own statements instead of sounding so secure to demonstrate this. For example, change this to something like: Death's breath wouldn't smell like strawberries, would it?

There were plenty of times in this chapter where Alice's emotions shift. She goes from angry at one moment, to desperate and dying, to determined with her group and annoyed at being singled out. So many different emotions, and yet I felt like I was missing the transformations. I feel like she jumped from one state to another, sometimes returning to a medium in the middle, but we never really got a good description of the gradual transformation. It seemed abrupt when the emotion ended, and we never got to have the point where we felt her blood simmer down as the anger vanished or whatever. You'd fire up an emotion and then not carry it through so it could blend into the next. I would've liked to see that a bit more.

Also, at some points in this chapter I felt like we were getting a description of going through the motions a bit too much. We see Alice skinning a rabbit and then are told how she does all of this without really needing to be told. I would've liked to have skipped over some of that, or made it relevant through thoughts or emotions that those actions could've cause and would've been worth knowing. Otherwise don't drag out those simple actions with description because we don't really need it and it isn't too useful to the plot anyway.

I am also a little confused. Did the voice speak to all these people in a different form? Some of them saw a shoe, some just a voice that guided them or what? And is that voice Shael or not? I am a bit confused here, and a thorough explanation in the chapter would be much appreciated, because I am sure I would not be the only befuzzled reader.

I look forward to when I get to read the next chapter!

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Deanie x




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:54 pm
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Pompadour wrote a review...



Hey, Al! I'm back~ I swear I didn't forget this, honest! I've just been *insert long and useless excuse here*

Happy Review Day!

Your first language is Serbian? That's wicked! Also, erm, the fact's unrelated to my review but I think it's cool so anyway ... *coughs*

Nit-picks!

"Hey there, little girl", the man approached her such a long time ago.


Alright, so that comma isn't really needed there since the action of the man approaching her isn't a dialogue tag. Dialogue tags are obviously the "tags" that follow up a dialogue. They could be said; screamed; cried; yelled; called, etc. You can read up on grammar within dialogue here.

Another thing, which isn't related to the technical aspect of things at all, is that you're obviously narrating a scene to us as it takes place, so why do you say "the man approached her a long time ago" it just feels a little weird. Maybe if it were, say, "the man had approached her a long time ago" it would make more sense?

His body made a nice, soothing shadow, and for a moment, the sun's bites perished.


I like this. Lovely description! <3

The heat took all of her strength hours ago, and she knew she was to die soon. Sand had filled her eyes, nose and mouth. She would have screamed the moment she saw the first vulture watching her, sitting still on the rock, if she only could.


I'm loving this. It's so intense and raw. One thing I'd like to point out to you, though, is the usage of active voice when you say "took", as I've marked in bold above. Since you're talking about something that's already happened, "took" should be "had taken." Here are a couple of links for active/passive voice and tenses:

She thought they loved her, but not even tearfull faces and mother's begging for forgivness when they left her alone could convince her there was a sip of humanity inside of them.


Typos:

~ "tearfull" should be "tearful."

~ "forgivness" *"forgiveness"

the shoe had moved and started talking dramaticly.


~ Typo. "dramticly" should be "dramatically."

Also, the shoe was talking? I think it'd make more sense if the narrator specified that the man to whom the shoe belonged was talking dramatically, aye?


"Thousands of planets my dear. Each star on the nightsky is a sun as bright as ours. And each one of them has their own planets, just like the one we are standing on."


I like this. I also like the double meaning to revolution you've expounded upon. One thing, though: "night" and "sky" need a space between them. On the other hand, I would totally quote this to someone. It's like you're moving beyond the narrow line of vision to the wider scope of things. Absolutely lovely.

On the other hand, here's where the logician within me kicks into gear. So right now, you have two basic characters. One of these is the girl, the one who you've mentioned is half-buried in sand. How can she see the man, then, if her vision is blurred by particles of sand? How can she hear him? Forget that, how can she breathe? Things you might want to think about.

I will die. Water!


Ah, so she is thinking about it. XD Reverting back to reality for a sec. Nice. Do specify whose thoughts these are, though. I assume they're Alice's, but even so, a short: "Alice thought" won't hurt anybody!

Okay, so besides that, I felt that the transition in the middle of the piece was a bit off, mainly because you suddenly shift from all action to telling us that it was a memory? To be honest, I was actually pretty miffed. This was mainly because the first part was so darn engaging, and also, you spewed the fact that it was a memory on us all of a sudden. I'd have no qualms about this, really, but do consider having the first part in italics? Or maybe using an asterisk--*--as a divider?

Another thing: Character development and pacing. A lot happens in this chapter, but in the latter half before they enter the Mountain, I felt like your character--Alice--was thinking these thoughts that made it seem as though she was noticing and observing the people around her for the first time when I assume she's been living with them ever since the man saved her from her imminent death in the desert. So establish your view-point when you write, and remember to lead from perspective. I assume this is Third-Person Limited, not Omniscient, so be careful not to make vague statements or anything that suggests that a third-party is narrating the events, rather than Alice as a detached voice. Try focusing more on character development, the personalities and quirks of your characters in the way they think and act and move rather than what they look like. You might want to slow down the pacing for this one. The subtlest of gestures can tell us much about your character.

Overall, I liked this much better than the prologue, especially the beginning and the philosophical bits. I'm sorry this review couldn't be more helpful but I don't have anything to add that previous reviews haven't already stated. Your grammar's gotten tons better, and your descriptions are honestly amazing.

So keep it up! Keep writing!

Hope this helped.

~Pompadour

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Alchemist says...


Just a quick reply: thanks for your review, it is really amazing. It is both really helpful and well makes me giggle sometimes(oh you! xD)

What I wanted to reply is- what you felt like was in fact how it was, not what u assumed! She is meeting them for the first time, though she knows a lot about them becouse Shael had gave her informations. Maybe that needs some clearing, huh? xD



Pompadour says...


Yeah, I think it would. It's just odd because of the time-skip, and because she's older, so I assumed she'd met them for the first time. XD

My reviews make people laugh? I should do stand-up comedy more often, haha.

No problemo, and I'll try to get to you next chapter as soon as life let's me! :D



Pompadour says...


*lets Whoops. XD



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Sun May 25, 2014 4:32 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Yo! I'm back, as promised! Also, just as a question, what is your first language? You don't have to answer, but since there were several instances where you didn't capitalize 'I', I'm wondering if it's German.

Now then, you did this in the prologue too, but 'has' should usually be 'had' since you're writing in past tense. Past perfect in English is a huge pain, especially since it has a different form in both present and past tense writing. Annoying, right?

Now... for a nitpick that will hopefully highlight/ warn you of other problems:

So they decided to throw her away. Like an used rag.

The 'like a used rag' part is where I'm really going to focus. Firstly, it should be included in the sentence before without any punctuation. So it would read, "They decided to throw her away like a used rag". Also, I know you've probably been taught to use 'an' in front of words that begin with vowels, but what that really means is that you want to use 'an' in front of words that sound like they begin with vowels. 'Used' starts with a consonant 'y' sound, the 'yuh' sound, and therefore will use 'a' as the article. However, if 'used' was pronounced 'oozed' then you would use the 'an' article.

Again, you had several verb tense mistakes, but I think someone already caught that.

And my compliments: Lovely usage of short sentences to accentuate action. It's a tactic that draws attention to the suspense of action, and works especially well when surrounded by longer, ten to twenty-word sentences.

I think that's the last one for now. Make sure to remind me when your next chapter is out, alright? I'll be back!




Alchemist says...


You are doing quite a job here, and you can't guess how thankful I am! My first language is serbian, and we never capitalize I so It's hard for me to get used to it.

And yeah... the tenses are really weird to me and I don't know correct grammar rules, instead I rather try to write the way I feel its right, so there are mistakes all around (due to the language differences).

Nice nitpick about usage of "an" i never knew it worked that way, you were right about what I was taught.

And...officialy, you are awesome! :)



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Sun May 25, 2014 4:30 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

I know I promised to review this like, forever ago. You are allowed to yell at me.

So this chapter is long, very long. But that's totally fine. My chapters are about this long too. Chapters should be as long as they need to be to get the point across. Well, not exactly the point, but you know what I mean.

Okay, now that I have stopped rambling on about chapter length, we can start the review.

Your grammar has gotten soooo much better since you wrote the prologue! Like really, totally better. I'm proud of you! :) There's barely anything I can point out about your grammar. Except for the fact that you don't seem to capitalize the word 'I' every time. That may be just a result of fast typing though.

I like how you use the word 'revolution' in the beginning. It's always been such a powerful word and you have added to the power. And it's quite interesting because this man is tempting Alice with this thought of revolution. But all she wants is water so we're left wondering if the real reason that she gives in is because of the idea of revolution or because of the water that he offers her.

Okay, so you have a lot of characters here now. You've done a good job so far keeping up with them all and working on developing them. Make sure to keep this up in later chapters. As I remind everyone, character development doesn't stop after the first couple of chapters. It needs to continue throughout the novel. I know what all these characters look like, good descriptions by the way, but I really want to know more about their personalities and their lives.

Alrighty then, onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Alchemist says...


Heey, thanks for comming back! Yell? Never! You are free to review this as long as you like it, so don't feel obliged to review, please! :)

Capitalizing I hurts me, since it would be ridiculous to do it in my own language...but i guess i have to get used to it! :D

And, finally, someone talking about characters! Im so glad you pointed it out, since I'm anxious about are they all fine, I dont want to have boring/cliched/stereotypical characters, or someone undeveloped. But since it is only the first chapter, I couldn't give it too much work. It's nice that you remind me, but I will actually try to make most of this novel about their own psyche, so there will be a lot of room for developement.

And, about their lives, I think each one of them will have a chapter about their past, so readers might need to wait a little bit, until its right time for it, that is. :)

I'm glad that you read it! :)



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Sun May 11, 2014 3:00 pm
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Milanimo wrote a review...



Hi!
I think this chapter is fairly interesting. It's very well written (especially if English is not your first language).
I have a few critiques though:

1. "Revolution"
If the word has some significance, you might want to italicize it to show its importance. The reader will know to keep an eye out for the word somewhere else in the chapter.

2."her eyes, in a blink of an eye"
The reason I pointed this out is because it seems to be a bit repetitive.
You could try simply using in the blink of an eye alone, saying "before her in the blink of an eye".

3. "But quite some time passed since she couldn't move her body anymore. "
You might want to get rid of the word 'anymore' here, as the sentence is a double negative with it. To correct this, try "But quite some time had passed since she could move her body." It's saying the same thing, just clearer and in a more active voice.

I'm going to stop there because the rest is mostly typos. Like @Blackwood said, you're only real trouble is sentence structure here. Simply try not to be too repetitive and be careful with your descriptions of what is going on.

Overall great job! I'm sure with a bit more work, you can really make this novel something great! Also, welcome to YWS and I commend you on being able to write something in another language as I simply have trouble writing one sentence in a different language let alone an entire chapter of my own story!




Alchemist says...


Thank you very much. It's wonderfull to hear such a compliments about my english, and i think, with only two chapters here i have improved it so much, its only a matter of time before i get it all. :)

Now, nubers one and three i agree with you, and i will edit it. But id like to talk about number two, becouse, i know it is repetitive, but i wated to point out that man was standing right in front of her eyes, and he actually appeared the moment she blinked. I will think this though, and hopefully find a way to say the same but without being repetitive.

i really hope i will be able to finish this, im quite satisfied with it so far. :)

Thanks for the nice reveiw!

-Alchemist



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Sun May 11, 2014 2:50 pm
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Zontafer wrote a review...



Zontafer here for a review!

Nitpicks/Grammar(considering what you wrote at the start of your chapter):

His body made a nice, soothing shadow and, for a moment, the sun's bites perished.

I know what you're pointing to with your comma use here, but I'd rather have the comma before 'and' and not after.

I notice you sometimes use present tense instead of past tense. For example 'will' instead of 'would'. As you didn't want me to say any typos I won't list them all, just check through your writing and fix them.

In dialogue, I don't think you need a comma after your double quotation marks("). If you dont use ? or ! a the end of your sentence, you use a comma before the ".

Also, remember when saying 'man' in a dialogue tag (and other places), remember to put 'the' in front of it. This is also the same case with all other nouns.

'Becouse' is also written 'because', just so you know it. ^^

Everything else
I admire your story so far. Even though mystery and suspense is far from my usual genre, I still liked it. My favorite part of the chapter, and the part where I had the strongest grip of the scene and the dialogue was the beginning.

I liked the way she struggled because of her need for water. You did a great job on those paragraphs, that I must say.

One thing I usually did when I started writing, was using 'that' too much. One of the people I know here told me it was a common thing to do when you're a non-native English speaker (Yes, I am, as you probably noticed.).
I usually do ctrl+f before I post a work and check through all of my 'that's' and check how many I can switch out with other words.

I saw you were talking about having a prologue or not below, and I'll just tell you I HAD a link to a really great article about it, but I lost it... I can PM it to you when I find it ^.^

Just get these grammar rules, and you'll have a great chapter in front of you, and many more hopefully! :D
Keep up the good work!

- Zontafer




Alchemist says...


Hey there,thanks for reading!

You gave me some really useful nitpicks! About the punctuation, i'm pretty sure all i had written is correct in my own language, but i guess there are other universal rules in english, and i will researh it and rework in a near future! :)

I'm glad you liked it. This story is actually much more a true fantasy novel, becouse my characters could fit in, my storyline could easily fit in and im sure the way i write could fit in. One thing that actually doesn't is the world they live in, becouse it is actually technologically advanced. And about the mystery... there are quite few characters with unknown motives, and well no one actually knows what is happening, but it is also a common thing in fantasy! :)

And i think i understand why you liked the first part, her memory the most. It's the part where person reading could actually sympathize with character and his emotion. Other half is more of a character and storyline introduction.

Thanks for the helpful review!

-Alchemist



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Sun May 11, 2014 6:13 am
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Blackwood wrote a review...



Your chapter isn't particularly long for a book as you say. Sometimes people like t post them in shorter parts because reviewers often don't like reviewing so much in one go, so its easier for them to do parts. I think this is a fine length, and maybe start considering posting it in parts if it gets between 4000 and 5000 words.

I know your little authors note isn't part of your story, but I suggest you sue proper grammar in that as well, including capital I's and spelling words correctly. Even though it's not part of the story, it leaves an impression on a reader, and if they read this they will see your grammar in a negative light, and so thus will be far more aware of it in the actual story, indirectly creating a negative impression.

I'm wondering if English is your second language, as I am seeing some structural and misuse of word errors in here. I won't go over all of them, but I'll use one or two as examples you can apply.

"Hey there, little girl", the man approached her such a long time ago. His body made a nice, soothing shadow and, for a moment, the sun's bites perished.

The first thing we have here is punctuation errors. Hey there, little girl." The... Would technically be correct here. The comma in this place is also not necessary, is it indicated a pause, which is not really how you would read this dialogue.
The next sentence addresses your next problem. 'the man approached her such a long time ago. This does no make sense and is not good English. I am unsure what exactly you are trying to imply here. Is she reminiscing on the past when a man had approached her long ago? If that is so then you need a double past tense in here. 'The man had approached her so long ago.' (this still isn't ideal English.)
Alternately you may be saying something along the lines of, the man had approached her a while ago, but he was just saying this now. Whichever it is it needs to be fixed.
Finally 'the suns bites perished.' An interesting metaphor you are trying to portray here, and I think it works nice in the sentence, but perished is a slightly obscure word to use. It will be fine if you change 'bites' to 'bite' and it will technically correct.

As I was reading this, it was quite entertaining and I didn't notice any more sentences as needing to be fixed as that first one. I wasn't able to read all of it because it's taking me a while to review and I am pressed for an assignment, but what you have so far I really like. You have some lack of capitals in the actual writing including 'i's and misspelling. Please correct those you say you don;t want people commenting on them, well they are distracting and if you know they are there then you should fix them.
The use of a prologue is something I wish to warn you about, and should not be done if possible. Please continue writing more and check your sentence structures and say things out loud, especially dialogue, to be sure it makes sense.




Alchemist says...


Hey, thanks for the review!

I will correct the author notes, U just didn't pay any attention to them. Yeah, english is my second and this all is quite a challenge for me, but it's only a matter of time 'till i learn! :)

Actually, punctuation like that is correct in my language. I had never considered other languages have different punctuation and i think i will have to check allmighty internet to learn it all! :)

But i didn't really understand what did you want to say about the prologue?

Thank you, this was quite constructive, i hope it didnt make a hard read. :)



Blackwood says...


It was pretty good considering English is your second language. Just a few things here and there. I think that there are different ways to write dialogue punctuation, so you may or may not have been technically incorrect, it just looked a little off to me.

The thing about prologues is that in general (not just your story) any story should try to avoid them unless they are ABSOLUTELY necessary. Many readers tend to skip them, like I did, and they can sometimes irritate a reader when they get used to the setting. This applies to any writing and any person at all, not just you, so make sure you have a really strong reason to use a prologue.



Alchemist says...


Thanks, im trying my best. Well it's only in my language, so i have no idea does that punctuation applies to english.

People don't read prologue? :O But i think my reason is quite strong; its a chunk of background info i couldn't fit in anywhere within the chapters but it still provides alot of important info.




This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.
— T.S. Eliot