E - Everyone

Party Haiku

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Marinated in
cigarette smoke, I left right
after the cops came.

Comments & reviews · 7
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User avatar
DeerInBacPac
Review

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! So, lets get started. :D
Before I begin I know this was posted a long while ago, (more like years), but I love to review poetry so, you can't stop me.
No spelling or grammar mistakes, as expected with this Haiku. I quite like the humor and the line "Marinated in cigarette smoke" gave me the odd image of steak being shaped like cigarettes smothered in A-1 sauce. Don't ask, it's how my mind works. Anyways, I like this poem and it makes me wonder what the hell happened to this person at the party. Did someone start a fight? Was some one murdered? The world may never know.
I have nothing else to say other then keep up the good work and Happy Halloween!

User avatar
Mysticalxx
Review

So cute! Hahaha, I loved the humour of this haiku. HAHA---"Marinated in cigarette smoke"! That's a wonderful expression. And the phrase "I left right" was hilarious too. Keep it up! I love the humorous, yet solemn air of your poems. Most people would not have written a haiku like this one, and your style is unique. Thumbs up! Keep it up! And the best part is that the syllable count is right. :)

Mist

User avatar
Niraco
Review
Niraco wrote a review · Sun May 25, 2014 8:32 pm

Oh, haikus, how I love you. The way someone can deliver a message, or describe a scene in just three small lines is amazing. This poem is very good too. Like many have already pointed out the use of your word 'marinated' is very well done. At a party you feel like there is nothing but smoke. It also seems like a rather big and descriptive word. Which contrasted with what a party normally is. Normally parties are filled with drunken idiots doing nothing but drinking and smoking.

Since this poem so short I find myself unable to really talk about anything that hasn't already been said. So all in all, this poem was really enjoyable. It is realistic and very fun to read.

User avatar
AdmiralKat
Review

First question for you, has this happened to you? I hope not. This poem is very interesting in its own way. One thing that made me a little uncomfortable is that there is the comma in the middle of your poem and that it isn't split up. I know. I know. It's a haiku. It just bothers me. I like the general idea of this poem. I'm not really sure how this happens in real life. You could totally make a short story about this happening and then this happens to run their life. That could be a good story that I would read. If this weren't a haiku, I would say to elaborate. Explain all the details of this awesome party. All in all, good job. Keep writing stuff like this all the time. :D

User avatar
Hannah
Review
Hannah wrote a review · Sun May 11, 2014 7:13 am

Magpie! I like it! I like especially the image of being marinated in cigarette smoke, because it's not just poetic, it totally happens, right? It seeps into your clothing and everything~

The only little nitpick I have (it's always so hard to write very much about haikus), is the separation of "soon" and "after" by the lines. I know it's almost unavoidable, but it breaks it up into "I left soon" and "after the cops came" which have completely different meanings than "I left soon after the cops came", and especially "I left soon" conflicts with the idea of marinating in cigarette smoke.

Is there anyway to fix it, do you think? Maybe "I walked out / right when the cops came"?

It is kind of similar to the time structure you have here, but I know "soon after" is different than "right when", so I don't know if that messes with the story you wanted to share.

Anyway, thanks for the party haiku, love~

See you on the flip side!
Keep writing!

As always, PM or comment if you have any questions, yeah?

Hannah

Ah! What about "right after"? A solution! Huzzah!

User avatar
Milanimo
Review

Hi!
This haiku is very interesting! Your diction is unique, as well. Most people would not have thought to use the word 'marinated'. It definitely set me off on first glance, but after careful consideration, it seems to fit because then you can clearly imagine someone covered in the stench of smoke.
This is a very nicely done haiku with the words chosen well. Great job!

User avatar
veeren
Comment

boom
that was awesome xp



I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman