Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Well my friends I've been betrayed,
Shit, torn to shreds hell I'm dismayed,
I cannot begin to start to say all the things this makes me feel,
I doesn't even feel fucking real,
You heard me I said I can't feel it straight,
Good, bad, love, hate,
I am just stunned that I was wrong twice in a night,
Hear this plight:
I fell in love with an evil temptress who sold her friend,
Just so she could get a dick in her lying little end,
Sold her to someone I thought I knew,
Someone I considered to be part of my crew,
Sure he had some issues from alcohol and drug misuse,
But I had no idea he had the capacity for this kind of abuse,
He raped a girl then raped another,
Traded for them with his younger brother,
I know I know, it sounds like it's fake,
But I can't fake this kind of heartbreak,
I find myself randomly happy then incredibly mad,
Why can't I just have the friends I thought I had,
I didn't even do anything wrong,
I was just getting played all along.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Great poem, the ambiguity is endearing to me because I also like for my readers to be able to relate to what I write. I also think the structure of the poem is excellent for what you were writing. It sucks that you were in a situation like that, but it certainly resulted in an awesome poem. Only thing I want different would be that it was longer, but that's just me.
-Jacquee M.
Hi, Elinor here.
I loved this poem. I could just feel the anger pounding through it. And you've even used the profanities in a correct way, which I think is rare in YWS. While I liked this poem, I found the rhythm a little wooden. Question: is this a gang member's POV? More importantly, is it your POV (God forbid.)
Hey there, astutedude!
Hopefully my review will be helpful to you.
The first thing I want to say is that I like the couplet (two line) rhyming. Even though the rhythms of the rhyming lines don't match up, it makes me feel like this poem would be suitable to be kind of rapped, kind of thrown out verbally, and especially paired with such a narrative focus (focus on a story), the form kind of fits with reading aloud.
The main problem I have is that even though I can identify that you're trying to share a story, I actually don't know what the story is. I thought at first the problem was about a girl. Then it's also about the narrator's friend, and it seems like both of them did the same "bad thing" -- trading people?? For sex?? And you also mention rape and a younger brother, and I don't know if the friend is working WITH the younger brother or TRADING his younger brother.
So the narrative needs to be cleaned up. I know it's hard with the rhymes, but take some time, maybe give yourself more space to explain the situation. Write a little more!
Lastly, I like that the narrator acknowledges the story sounds kind of fake, because that makes it seem more real, but another thing that might make it seem more real would be just a few more details -- maybe mention something physical like a piece of clothing or a body feature!
If you have any questions about this review, leave a comment or PM me!
Good luck and keep writing!
The intention was for it to be ambiguous. That allows for people in pain to relate even if it's not their story. The more it is cleared up the less people can connect. I appreciate your review..
Wow. This is good. I love this poem. It's so real and sad.
Thank you very much.
Nice poem...I think... I actually can't believe it... Hopefully, for your sake, this didn't actually happen to you...
It did, kinda a shituation.
Oh, wow. Sorry about that.
Thanks, me too.