Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!
“You gave me permission to ask so I’ll do so again, WHERE are we going?” I was finally fed up with her; I had no idea where we were going, and Britney’s refusal to tell me was finally reaching its limit.
I know that I commented on the whole all caps thing in the previous chapter so I'm not going to bother with repeating myself. I am, however, going to prove to you that you don't need these all caps. You see the part that I underlined? That's the part where you show us exactly how mad Melanie is. See, you don't need the all caps! You tell us in the dialogue tag that she is fed up with Britney and she has no idea where they're going. Just from that description, I would've been able to imagine her saying the dialogue the way you wrote it.
“I know this is inferior of me to do this,
Okay, you have the right idea using the word 'inferior' here, but you used it in the wrong context. Instead, you should say something like "I know that I'm inferior to you but". The actual definition of inferior is "lower in rank, status, quality". I know that you weren't trying to describe her comment as inferior. You were trying to say that she's inferior to Britney since Britney is her mentor. Think about how else you could write this sentence to use the word 'inferior' in the right context.
Oh gosh, this is probably the millionth cliffhanger that I've read so far today. Not really that much, but you get my point. Everyone loves cliffhangers! I think this one is placed brilliantly. Because not only does Melanie have no idea where she's going, but she also has made Britney mad. So is this where Britney was taking her in the first place or did Britney take a detour to punish her for what she did? Don't tell me! I wanna be left in suspense!
You're writing this story quite well. There's not much description, but that's fine for now. You're telling us exactly what we need to know as the story goes on. I'm sure you'll share more of the setting and more description in later chapters.
Let me know when the next chapter is out! I'll gladly read it And I really, really, really need to find out what happens to Melanie! I'm worried for her D:
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417
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