z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Secrets of the World-Chapter 2

by Mackattack


As it turns out, I didn’t want to be there. I was calming myself from Britney ignoring me I didn’t notice where we were going until I almost ran into it: a large bronze statue of a man in an elder's uniform holding a small child. I touched the edge of the statue’s feet, feeling the coldness, while trying to control my breathing.

“Hope you like what the bronzers have planned, as you know they still haven’t forgiven you for cracking this statue.” Britney whispered in my ear causing me to flinch away from her as she dragged her nail across the large crack in the small child’s leg. I wished to tell Britney that it was her fault the statue broke; after all she is the one that threw the sword. I held my tongue though, because I knew she was trying to get me riled up. It was at that moment, when Britney put her arm up to a scanner on the white wall that I noticed a hologram by the heel of the statue.

“Wha-“

“Let’s go slow poke” Britney interrupted. I looked back at the hologram only to see that it had shut off. I stared at the place for a while hoping to see if the hologram would reappear, but then Britney pulled me away from the spot. She led me to the left side of the statue where a giant bronze door loomed over us , we didn’t have to what long though because a few seconds later the hatches were lifted up to release the door. As I followed Britney inside I noticed that the temperature seemed colder than before, and the lamps on the walls seemed almost blue as if this place was covered in an invisible ice sculpture. I didn’t like the feel of this place, it was too quiet and the stone flooring added too my restlessness as I heard our feet step across it.

“You gave me permission to ask so I’ll do so again, WHERE are we going?” I was finally fed up with her; I had no idea where we were going, and Britney’s refusal to tell me was finally reaching its limit. I had stopped walking, and I refused to walk another centimeter without any answers. Britney turned around, I saw a fire in her that I had never seen before, it almost made me follow her and start groveling at her feet, but I somehow held my ground.

“I know this is inferior of me to do this, but you have pushed my buttons all morning. Tell me where you are taking me this instant or I go back to my dorm.” I said this with calmness in my voice that I certainly didn’t feel. I felt a chill run down my back as Britney slowly walked up to me, she was so close that I could feel her breath on my face, but I made sure to look her in the eye the whole time.

“When I say follow you do so,” her blue eyes burned with such ferocity that I fear she might run my through with the knife she has seethed in her staff,” next time you question my authority you’ll be finding yourself on the guillotine. Do I make myself clear, Melanie?!” I slowly nodded my head, and with that she turned and led us down the hall. I couldn’t bear to look up, so I stared at my feet as we walked on. The walk seemed endless as turned we multiple corners, and passed many doorways I kept my head down the whole way until I noticed Britney had stopped. I finally looked up only to see a silver gate, beyond that was a small hole in a mound of dirt. I couldn’t see far down the hole, but

I could tell it was very deep. I wasn’t paying much attention to what Britney was doing, but the next thing I know she was wrapping something around my waist.

“Hey, wait, what do you think you’re doing?” I tried to pull away, but she pushed me to the ground. I went down hard as the wind was knocked out of my lungs. She continued to tie my waist to a pulley system hooked up in the corner. Next thing I know she hoisted me up and dragged me to the pit, that’s when I really started to struggle. I kicked and swung but to no avail; the last thing I saw is Britney checking my harness before I’m thrown into the darkness.


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Sun May 25, 2014 2:45 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

“You gave me permission to ask so I’ll do so again, WHERE are we going?” I was finally fed up with her; I had no idea where we were going, and Britney’s refusal to tell me was finally reaching its limit.

I know that I commented on the whole all caps thing in the previous chapter so I'm not going to bother with repeating myself. I am, however, going to prove to you that you don't need these all caps. You see the part that I underlined? That's the part where you show us exactly how mad Melanie is. See, you don't need the all caps! You tell us in the dialogue tag that she is fed up with Britney and she has no idea where they're going. Just from that description, I would've been able to imagine her saying the dialogue the way you wrote it.

“I know this is inferior of me to do this,

Okay, you have the right idea using the word 'inferior' here, but you used it in the wrong context. Instead, you should say something like "I know that I'm inferior to you but". The actual definition of inferior is "lower in rank, status, quality". I know that you weren't trying to describe her comment as inferior. You were trying to say that she's inferior to Britney since Britney is her mentor. Think about how else you could write this sentence to use the word 'inferior' in the right context.

Oh gosh, this is probably the millionth cliffhanger that I've read so far today. Not really that much, but you get my point. Everyone loves cliffhangers! I think this one is placed brilliantly. Because not only does Melanie have no idea where she's going, but she also has made Britney mad. So is this where Britney was taking her in the first place or did Britney take a detour to punish her for what she did? Don't tell me! I wanna be left in suspense!

You're writing this story quite well. There's not much description, but that's fine for now. You're telling us exactly what we need to know as the story goes on. I'm sure you'll share more of the setting and more description in later chapters.

Let me know when the next chapter is out! I'll gladly read it :) And I really, really, really need to find out what happens to Melanie! I'm worried for her D:

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Tue May 20, 2014 9:48 am
Pompadour wrote a review...



Heya. Pompadour here to review for you~

Okay, so I skimmed through your previous chapter before my review, and I have a pretty good idea of the story, although it is pretty vague. Lemme cover the technicalities before moving on to the content, then?

As it turns out, I didn’t want to be there. As I was calming myself


Both these sentences in the first paragraph begin with "as." Now, that isn't much of a issue, but it does look rather redundant and it just ... sticks out. Like a sore thumb. Black and blue and throbbing. Perhaps you could restructure the sentence? The "As it turns out" seemed to me like this line that's tagging onto the first sentence just for the sake of it, and your sentence would be stronger if it wasn't there at all. Perhaps substitute it with a: "I knew then that I didn't want to be there..."? Or you know, whatever else floats your boat.

As I was calming myself from Britney ignoring me I didn’t notice where we were going until I almost ran into it: a large bronze statue of a man in an elder's uniform holding a small child.


A colon would be more suitable as opposed to a comma there. Also, you need an apostrophe in "elders."

... as you know they still haven’t forgiven you for cracking this statue.”


You have a tendency to say "as" a lot, and it has only succeeds in making your sentences weak. Your sentence would be stronger, and your dialogue more natural if you got rid of it. You can always take a look at this if you have any problems, and feel free to PM me if you have any issues, 'kay?

Britney whispered in my ear causing me to flinch away from her as she dragged her nail across the large crack in the small child’s leg.


This is a bit of a run-away sentence, and it would be better if you divided it up into two or more sentences; it gives time for the description to permeate the reader's brain, and also to digest information. Here's an example of how your sentence could be broken up:

Britney whispered in my ear, causing me to flinch. She dragged her nail across the large crack in the small child's leg.


It was at that moment though when Britney put her arm up to a scanner on the white wall that I noticed a hologram by the heel of the statue.


The "though" makes the sentence clunky. Cut it out.

I couldn’t bare to look up,


Typo: "bare" should be "bear."

The walk seemed endless as we turned multiply corners,


And "multiply" should be "multiple."

I kicked and swang but to no avail,


"swang" should be "swung."

Next thing I know she hoisted me up and dragged me to the pit, that’s when I really started to struggle.


This is a comma splice. There should be a semi-colon or a coordinating conjunction (like "and") there.

Spoiler! :
A comma splice is when you attempt to join two independent clauses together using a comma, but without a coordinator. It's kind of like a run-on sentence. The coordinator I'm talking about could either be a conjunction -- and, but, or, yet, so, etc. -- a semi-colon or a period. Here's a quick note on what independent clauses are just in case you don't know: think of them as the cause and effect, or the construction blocks of any sentence. In effect, an independent clause contains a subject and a verb and expresses a complete thought. Here's an example:

Mary-Ann swept the kitchen counters.

Mary-Ann is the subject. The verb here is "swept." I hope I'm being clear on this. If not, you can always check this out.

Okay, so comma splices. When you have two independent clauses and you want to join them together, you need a coordinator. Lemme give you an example:

Comma Splice: Mary-Ann swept the kitchen counters, pretty soon they were gleaming.

Corrected: Mary-Ann swept the kitchen counters; pretty soon they were gleaming.

or

Mary-Ann swept the counters and pretty soon they were gleaming.


When it comes to tenses, no problemo there. You've got a pretty good hold on them and this was the only place I spotted you accidentally using present-tense instead of past:

the last thing I see is saw was Britney


Oohkay, so you have good descriptions and I can see a lot of potential in this. I did think it was a little too fast-paced, because from what I saw in the last chapter, it did speed up suddenly from description to action. It was a little abrupt and it could also leave many readers struggling to keep up with what was going on. Your main character's voice as a whole is, I'll admit, strong, but Britney's character isn't very well-developed. Don't let your characters be swept up by the plot; you're in control here. Go slow, and give them depth and dimension. Frankly, all I know about Britney is that she really has it in for the main character -- Melanie -- and doesn't like her at all. I don't know what her intentions are, or even why Melanie submitted to her so easily. Was she stronger than her? Bigger? Why did she do what she did? Melanie doesn't have much back-bone, and I'm not saying she has to be brave or gutsy or whatever, but I'd like her to display some character. Work on it, okay? And let me know when you post because there is so much you could do with this, and I'd like to read the re-write.

PM me if you have any questions! I'm always happy to help~

Keep it up! Keep writing!

Cheers,

-Pompadour




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Wed May 14, 2014 12:40 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hey Kenze, Dede here to review your masterpiece!
First off some nitpicks:

As I was calming myself from Britney ignoring me I didn’t notice where we were going until I almost ran into it, a large bronze statue of a man in an elders uniform holding a small child.

Many things wrong with this sentence. First off "as I was calming myself from Britney ignoring me"? How do you calm yourself from someone ignore you? I'm guessing you meant to say 'myself while Britney...' and so on. Next, there should be a comma between 'me' and 'I'. Third, it think that comma should be a period, and you should add 'It was' before 'a bronze'.
...statue.” Britney...

One word: Comma. Not period, comma. Got it?
I notice you have quite a few run-on sentences. Even though it may sound choppy, try spreading them out with periods. I mean you don't have to have all simple sentences, but please be aware if you're writing a run-on or not.
I wished to...

Weird word choice, I would just use wanted instead of wished.
It was at that moment though, when Britney put her arm up to a scanner on the white wall, that I noticed a hologram by the heel of the statue.

I would recommend adding/doing what I did to this quote.
WHERE are we going

I would recommend using italics instead of caps here.
I know there are a lot of other mistakes here, and honestly they are the same mistakes over again. When you go back and edit this (hopefully you do) keep in mind everything I've told you.
Now I like where this is heading, the ending left with a little cliff hanger. Now I also notice a lot that you aren't necessarily conveying the narrator's emotions. This is written in first person, so we need more of an insite on how she looks about things
Just some tips. Once more I really love how this is playing out and I cannot wait to see more.
Keep it up!
~Wolfare





A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
— Unknown