z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Necromancer's Reckoning: Prologue

by ThatWriterGuy


Prologue

The smell of death lingered in the air.

Korsay Jeral ran as fast as he could. Worms of sweat slithered down his face as he sprinted through the dark. Adrenaline surged through his body. The enemy was close.

These are perilous lands, He thought grimly.

He leapt over a log and rolled on the forest floor to break his fall. He continued to run without looking back. Fear consumed him, and his mind struggled to function. He slowed down and quickly turned to see if they were close. There was no sign of them. He jogged slowly and quickly drew his wooden longbow. He notched an arrow into his bowstring. Five arrows remained in his quiver. That wouldn’t be enough to hold them off. He would be dead in seconds.

Suddenly, as he stepped backwards he tumbled into a clearing. He rolled backwards and bow fell from his hand across the forest floor. Korsay cursed at the sharp pain in his calf. He gazed down slowly only to see that his own notched arrow had buried itself at least three inches into his calf. Korsay seeped in pain. I don’t know what hurts more, the pain or the embarrassment.

Korsay did not wait any longer for the wound to fester. He took a hold of the arrow shaft and wrenched it free from his calf. A volcano of blood erupted from his gouge and it flowed down his trousers onto the forest floor. He snivelled and gritted his teeth in agony.

Korsay gently put pressure on the wound to withhold the bleeding. As he let go for a brief moment, more blood spurted from his leg and he cried out in pain. His calf throbbed wildly.

The arrow was still on the floor coated in his own blood. It was best not to waste arrows, so he picked the arrow and fitted it hastily into his bowstring. He stood limply on his wounded leg. It’s only a scratch, he reassured himself.

He had to start moving again or they would catch up to him. He began to limp along through the clearing, still alert as ever ready for when they came. As a personal scout for the King of Eldermere himself, he never let his guard down, no matter the circumstances.

It was Korsay’s duty to find out what was occurring in the Forbidden Lands and report back to King Rupus. However fate had other plans. When he entered the borders, it was not long until he saw the army. There were thousands of them.

It was only later when he discovered that the dark necromancer, Void was behind it all. He had been building an army during his banishment to the Forbidden Lands and now he was going to strike. If he didn’t return to Eldermere with his message, Void’s wrath would creep down from the north and engulf Axion like a fiery blaze.

They were probably close on his trail now. Korsay had been on the run for at least three hours. However, with his wounded knee, the chances of him being able to report back to his King seemed slim.

Korsay limped along as fast as he could with his bow string pulled back, ready to fire. He panted heavily, each breath getting louder. He peered down at his wound that had become increasingly fatal.

I need to stop losing blood so quickly. He thought hastily.

If he lost any more blood he would be too weak to even walk. Korsay quickly kneeled down, wary of how little time he had, and he ripped a piece of cloth from his ragged tunic and tied it around his bloodied gash. It certainly didn’t help the pain, however, there was less blood brimming ferociously from his leg now, and that was a good sign. Korsay looked up to check if any of them were near. There was no sign of them. Night was drawing closer and the Forbidden Lands were no place to be at dark.

Suddenly a cold, steel serrated blade from behind him was held against his throat.

His heart sank. It was over. Korsay remained still, careful not to move his neck too suddenly and slit his own throat. He looked up ahead and there they were.

The Goulrath.

They stood in a line opposite him. Their pale grey skin seemed to dimly glow in the approaching moonlight. The calculating blood-red eyes remained unmoving, staring menacingly at him. All of them had blood stained fangs gaping from their mouths. A few of them were each in thick metal armour with spiked steel helms. Their shoulder plates were covered in short, knife-like horns. Korsay was shaking.

Each Goulrath was equipped with a long serrated two-handed greatsword. Each of them had a dagger fixed tightly to their belt. Some of them had a bow and quiver, but Goulrath were never known to have a good aim with a bow.

The Goulrath with the blade to his neck began to speak in a low growling voice, as if a thousand different beasts were speaking at once. “Well look what we have here.”

The Goulrath kicked him forward and he fell on his face pathetically. Korsay turned around on his back and spat out a mouthful of dirt. He stared into the eyes of what seemed to be the largest of the five Goulrath. The monster stared down at him perilously.

The foul creature raised its sword and Korsay watched the blade descend upon him.

Korsay reacted quickly, rolling out of the way. The Goulrath’s large sword buried itself in the ground and Korsay quickly kicked the Goulrath’s leg and it toppled over onto the ground with a clang of crunching armour. The Goulrath grunted in humiliation and Korsay leapt to his feet. He felt his calf seize up and he cried out in pain. Albeit, the agony grew into adrenaline and his instincts kicked it. He gritted his teeth, drew his sword from his scabbard and faced the oncoming Goulrath, a look of defiance upon his face.

Better to die with a sword in hand than my face in the dirt.

Korsay was nowhere near as good with a sword as he was with a bow nevertheless he still could hold his own against any talented swordsman. An oncoming Goulrath swung its large greatsword clumsily and Korsay parried it with ease. The clang of the two swords rattled in his ears. Another Goulrath from behind him tried to lunge at his back but Korsay swiftly sidestepped the blade and slashed frantically at its armour. The Goulrath stumbled backwards and came to a stop. The creature quickly ripped its dented chest plate off and cast it away into the dirt, revealing a pale muscular chest, ridden with scars and bulging veins. The Goulrath snarled as its grip tightened on the greatsword.

Korsay twirled his castle-forged blade through his hands and slowly edged backwards. The five Goulrath were forming an arc and approached him slowly. They gazed hungrily at Korsay like ravenous beasts.

The first Goulrath charged wailing its sword in the air and shouting its battle-cry in a harsh sounding native tongue. As it slashed at Korsay’s head, he ducked and plunged his blade into the Goulrath’s thigh. It shrieked out in pain and dark purple blood oozed onto Korsay’s sword. He ripped his cold steel from its thigh and swung his elegant sword towards the shrieking Goulrath’s neck, decapitating it instantly.

The Goulrath’s headless corpse collapsed to the ground like a rock. Korsay drew in cold gulps of air, chilling his lungs. The corpse stunk of a foul odour, one that Korsay had never had the misfortune of witnessing before.

Fierce fighting followed. There were flashes of black naked steel that slashed through the frosty air. Korsay parried the graceless blows and let his elegant blade slashing through their armour. The Goulrath were large and were all at least a foot taller than Korsay, albeit, their swordplay was stagnant and lifeless. However, Korsay struggled to overcome the pain in his leg and attempted to identify the chink in their armour.

Korsay couldn’t see anything through his dazed vision. Suddenly fearsome Goulrath emerged from the distance shouting at the top of its lungs ready to plunge its sword into his chest. Korsay quickly dived out of the way from the mad Goulrath’s reach. He was weary and could not get up from the floor. While Korsay was on the floor the Goulrath brought its greatsword down at Korsay’s head. The scout quickly moved his head to the side and the sword dug deep into the ground, only a few inches from his face. The Goulrath let go of the sword and let it quiver in the ground. The Goulrath drew a knife from its scabbard and plunged the knife towards Korsay’s face. Korsay kicked the Goulrath in the stomach and it yelled out in pain but the knife went off-course and into Korsay’s left thigh.

“Arrrgh!” he screamed, wailing out in pain.

The pain was too great. The sharp stabbing sensation erupted through his whole leg. He didn’t know what to do. He looked down at the knife sticking upright out of his leg. A volcano of blood was unleashed and it spewed out over his leg soaking his trousers in red. A sea of endless rambling thoughts flooded his mind. He felt his life tumble through a vortex of confusion and pain.

Then he fell back to reality. Korsay didn’t think, he just reacted. In one movement, he ripped the dagger for his thigh, leapt to his feet and launched the knife through the air and towards the group of Goulrath. The dagger span through the air and it hit the armourless Goulrath in the neck. The naked Goulrath choked and its mouth filled with purple blood. It grabbed its throbbing neck in agony, stumbled backwards and fell to the ground like a ragdoll.

Korsay clutched his leg and staggered forward. He doubted that he was going to be able to slay the other three Goulrath warriors. An arrow suddenly whizzed past his ear from behind him. He instantly turned round to face the silent archer. Four more Goulrath archers emerged from the trees, bows aiming down on him. His blood curdled.

He turned around again, panicking. Multiple Goulrath archers had surrounded him. He counted twenty one in total, including the three foot soldiers who had pursued him through the forest. There was nowhere to run now. He had failed his mission and he could no longer report back to Eldermere. Void would send out his Goulrath armies and decimate the Six Great Cities of Axion with the element of surprise. The Great Cities would be unprepared for battle and would likely be defeated against the armies of the north. All at the hands of Korsay.

One of the foot soldiers stepped forward and spoke in a deep husky voice, “Surrender to us, or face your peril.”

Korsay thought to himself. Was there any way out of this situation? Maybe the luck of the Three Gods was with him and the Kingsguard would attack just in time. Should he delay them? Korsay didn’t know what to do. He was weak, confused, lost. And soon, maybe even dead.

Korsay gazed around and examined every archer whose bows were aimed on him. There was no easy way out of this. Korsay knelt down towards the Goulrath and bowed his head. His hand was on the hilt of his sword and the tip of his blade digging into the ground. He put his fist against his chest, saluting the Goulrath. The archers released their aim and lowered their bows.

“I, Korsay Jeral, hereby give my life and honour to Necromancer Void to pledge my legion to him. I will serve Lord Void until my soul leaves this realm and enters the Afterlife. Void has my sword and bow and my loyalty to the end of my days.” He vowed staring into the deep blood-red eyes of the Goulrath.

There was an uncanny silence.

The Goulrath smiled. He walked over towards Korsay and laid a hand on his shoulder. “You made a wise decision, mortal. You proved yourself to be an excellent warrior and you shall serve Lord Void well. Now stand.”

I am sorry, King Rupus. I have failed you.

“I would rather die than serve you monsters!” and in one swift movement he clutched his sword and leapt to his feet. There was a flurry of panic among the host of Goulrath.

He lunged and drove his sword through the Goulrath’s belly and it instantly stiffened up and gasped for life. Dark purple blood dribbled from the belly of the spluttering beast. The Goulrath slowly slid off Korsay’s blade and slumped back onto the ground.

The archers fumbled in confusion and reloaded their bows clumsily. Korsay charged at the two other Goulrath warriors and he swiftly dodged their attacks whilst allowing his blade to hack through their legs. There were two cries of distress and they dropped to their ground, legless, slowly dying in a pool of their own thick purple blood.

Korsay raised his blade and cried his final words, “For Axion!” and darted forwards towards the remaining Goulrath. His sword spun frantically in his blood-coated hands and uncontrollable rage filled his eyes.

A rain of arrows came from every direction and sent stabs of incredible pain all over his body. One arrow dug deep into his thigh, another penetrating his arm. Another whizzed through his ribs and the most fatal arrow struck him in the chest and ripped through his flesh and into his beating heart. Korsay whimpered, eyes wide, body frozen and fell limply into the dirt.

It was all over. As the blood left his body, he felt it immediately freeze over as it greeted the icy air. Blood encrusted over his wounds and with every slight movement a searing wave of pain overcame him.

Korsay’s head slumped to the right and he watched the Goulrath archers disappear into the trees. The full moon illuminated the surrounding forest. Korsay gazed upwards into the stars and smiled.

I have failed you, my King. He thought his final thoughts. Korsay slowly inhaled his final gulps of frosty air and his eyes slowly shut as he felt his soul drift from his body and into the Afterlife.


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Tue Aug 05, 2014 2:30 am
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review! Remembered you, and decided to start reviewing this entire book, from the beginning to the end. Hope you don't mind getting a notification for this, like EVERY DAY UNTIL I'M DONE. XD


Er, it seems that Shady got most of the nitpicks, so this may be a very short review! :P

OK, so I love the way you started this off. One of the most difficult things that I have found a writer struggles with, is on how to capture their reader with the first line. Most of the time though, we don't, and end up having a sucky beginning. XD Not with yours! I loved this one, and I was pulled immediately in. Also liked the fact, how you started it with a description of sorts, but it didn't seem thrown in my face. Niiiiiiicceee....

The creature quickly ripped its dented chest plate off and cast it away into the dirt, revealing a pale muscular chest, ridden with scars and bulging veins


Ewwwwwww... :P This was a visual for me. Cool description! :D

One more thing that I just absolutely loved was the length of this prologue! It was long enough for us to get a taste of what this could be about, but not too long to give away anything big. Excellent work!


Suddenly, as he stepped backwards he tumbled into a clearing. He rolled backwards and bow fell from his hand across the forest floor.


I spy some redundancy! :D

Arrrgh!” he screamed, wailing out in pain.


Nope. Wailing isn't that nice a word to use right here. We already know that he screamed, and wailing and screaming are about the same thing really. So would just cut that word out, and working around it.

And while I'm at that....

Always try to get the meaning across, with as meaningful, but few words as possible. You don't want to sound like a Professor from the local college, but you also don't want to sound like a bumbling idiot. So always read through and make sure you have all the wording just so, and make sure you aren't just repeating yourself. That's one of the worst things ever, in my opinion. Redundancy, and un-needed and unwanted repetition. That mistake just will fly in a reader's face and make them wanna holler. :P So yeah... make sure you aren't just repeating yourself, with unwanted repetition.

His blood curdled.


Er, what? Milk curdles... not blood... :P I understand that you want to create an image, but try to keep the description realistic.

Alrighty! I think that's it for nitpicks! :D Shady got most of them, so I won't bother you with them anymore.

A couple more things before I go...

I figured I'd just talk about this a little right now, seeing as I can't really help you with nitpicking, at the moment.

Don't make it all action, and virtual movement. That's a hard thing to do--not making your book an action packed-- but you need time for character development. I see some character development in this work, but not a bunch. Make sure you have a good amount, or else the reader won't be able to relate to the character first off, and their attention won't be grabbed by the prologue. That's the point of the prologue, isn't it?! To grab a reader's attention, and also introduce some lead characters, and the like. (at least that's what I've always thought)

So just make sure you do that.

Reaction and Action together


So I might be saying this a lot while I review your book, but I figured I'd just brush up on it while I'm here. Just for fun, you understand... :P

As much as action is important for keeping a novel going, reaction is ALMOST as important. So let's say he's running, right? Well, is anything slapping against his legs? Is his chest heaving, maybe? Make sure you include some reaction to the action, while you're writing. Probably one of the most important things out there, in my opinion. Helps us feel like we're in his shoes a lot more, and that's what you're going for. :D

OK, and that's it from me for now!

~Cricket






Thank you so much Cricket!
I really appreciate the advice!



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:28 am
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Guy~

This is going to be short and to the point because most of the other reviewers have covered everything, but I have a few things to point out.

First, this is a fantastic example of a prologue. I'm incredibly impressed. A lot of people mix up a prologue and a first chapter. You, my friend, have not.

The reason I'm writing this little snippet: your action goes on way too long to serve the purpose of this prologue. I mean, he fights, then we think he's going to die, then he fights, then he almost dies. By the third time he's defying death, I'm kind of tired of it. I think you could cut out some of the fight scene before Korsay "surrenders."

Also, I don't think you pay enough attention to where he's wounded or his wounds at all. The man has been stabbed by his own arrow, kicked around by these Goulraths, and stabbed in the thigh with a knife. Yet you never really mention these wounds except for the moment they're happening. During the fight scenes, Korsay should be feeling his wounds. They should be worrying him. His energy should be flagging. Instead, he seems to be full of fire until they kill him.

One last thing:

Korsay gazed upwards into the stars and smiled.

Why in the world is he smiling? His last thoughts are that he's failed. He knows he's dying. He hasn't even given his life and been successful. He shouldn't be smiling.

Alright, my mission this review day is to read through every chapter you've got, so I'll be seeing you soon,
Megs~
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Wed May 21, 2014 3:04 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Heyo,

Shady here with a quick review for you this fine morning. I saw your Chapter 3 and 4 in the Greenroom, and decided to back up here to get a bit of back story before I tried reading that.

You've definitely got an interesting piece here. Your very first statement, "The smell of death lingered in the air" got my attention and made me want to know what was going on-- so I applaud you for that. The first few paragraphs of each chapter are what I personally struggle with the most.

I also really like your peculiar descriptions.

Worms of sweat slithered down his face
~ I have never heard it called a "worm" of sweat before, but I think it works for your piece. Well done.

These are perilous lands, He thought grimly.
~ Okay, I seem to mention this quite a bit on reviews on here, but you really don't need a tag on thoughts. The italicized text tips people off that they're reading a character's thoughts. But, if you do decide to keep the tag, then the "he" should be lowercase. "These are perilous lands, he thought grimly."

He notched an arrow into on his bowstring


only to see that his own notched arrow had buried itself at least three inches into his calf.
~ I struggle to see how this is even physically possible. Like, this guy is being dramatic and weird, but you can see how he's holding his bow-- that's pretty similar to how an archer actually would hold it, while he was waiting to shoot.
Spoiler! :
Image
If he fell backward, then that should just fall out of his hands and, at worse, come down to conk him on the head. So... Yeah, I just don't see it likely that an archer would fall on one of his own arrows at such an angle to make it stab him. Maybe, if you want him getting hurt in this scene, have him fall on a sharp stick or something?

Korsay seeped in pain.
~ That's an interesting word choice. Doesn't 'seeped' mean something more like 'oozed' or something. "Blood seeped from the wound," no? Maybe you meant writhed?

Korsay cursed at the sharp pain in his calf...three inches into his calf... wrenched it free from his calf... His calf throbbed wildly.
~ Maybe try some synonyms, to mix things up a bit? :)

As a personal scout for the King of Eldermere himself
~ *lifts eyebrow* He just stabbed himself with his own arrow. That doesn't sound very professional for one of the king's personal scouts.

It was Korsay’s duty to find out what was occurring in the Forbidden Lands and report back to King Rupus. However fate had other plans. When he entered the borders, it was not long until he saw the army. There were thousands of them.

It was only later when he discovered that the dark necromancer, Void was behind it all. He had been building an army during his banishment to the Forbidden Lands and now he was going to strike. If he didn’t return to Eldermere with his message, Void’s wrath would creep down from the north and engulf Axion like a fiery blaze.
~ Eep, information dump. It's really tempting to just reveal plot like this, I will grant, but don't. You have to show us your plot, not just tell us. You were doing a great job of showing before this point. I know you can work all this in without "telling" us, too. :)

Maybe try some small teaser right now? "It was Korsay's duty to find out what was occurring in the Forbidden Lands and report back to King Rupus, and he intended to do just that. What he didn't intend on, however, was spotting a large army-- or of them spotting him." Or something. That lets us know a bit about his mission, and his situation-- it's not just a band of thieves chasing him, it's part of an army. Important info. But it doesn't overwhelm us all at once.

Korsay limped along as fast as he could with his bow string pulled back, ready to fire.
~ Mm, as an archer myself I find this a bit unbelievable. After you hold your bow drawn for a few minutes, your arms start trembling and your accuracy becomes significantly less reliable. It would be more likely that he would hold it like in the picture I showed you above-- notched and ready, but not drawn. Especially considering that he's injured and tired, and not in the peak of his strength.

Korsay quickly kneeled down, wary aware of how little time he had, and he ripped a piece of cloth from his ragged tunic and tied it to tie around his bloodied gash.


The Goulrath with the blade to his neck
~ Maybe rephrase? The way this reads, 'his' would refer to the Goulrath-- so grammatically speaking, I believe, you just said that the Goulrath that was holding a blade to his own neck spoke.

as if a thousand different beasts were speaking at once.
~ This is beautiful. <3

The monster stared down at him perilously.
~ Uhh, I guess technically this would work... but 'perilous' means more 'hazardous' or 'dangerous' in terms of situation. Like, the example in a dictionary I consulted (yes, I am double checking myself before I complain at you xP) said: "a perilous voyage across the Atlantic in a small boat."

The Goulrath’s large sword buried itself in the ground and Korsay quickly kicked the Goulrath’s leg and it toppled over onto the ground with a clang of crunching armour.
~ Okay, now this is a matter of personal opinion-- but I dislike using the word "and" to connect. Grammatically, I'm fairly sure that this is correct, so feel free to ignore me.

But stylistically, I would suggest an edit: "As the Goultrath's large sword buried itself in the ground Korsay quickly kicked the leg of its owner, sending the large beast to the ground with the clang of crunching armor." Or something. See how I made that more action intense, too? Instead of "This and this and this happened," it's more "As this was happening, this and this happened too." If that makes sense *shrugs*

Korsay was nowhere near as good with a sword as he was with a bow nevertheless he still could hold his own against any talented swordsman.
~ So is he good with sword or not? The first half of your sentence implies that he struggles with a sword, much preferring his bow-- the second half implies that a very talented swordsman who is perfectly comfortable with a blade.

The five Goulrath were forming an arc and approached him slowly.
~ This is another example about where you can eliminate the 'and' and make it more action intensive. "The five Goulrath were forming an arc as they slowly approached him."

They gazed hungrily at Korsay like ravenous beasts.
~ Uh, this might work if they were human opponents, but you already described the Goulrath as "beasts"... so why would it matter if they gazed at him like hungry beasts, which is essentially what you said.

The first Goulrath charged wailing its sword in the air and shouting its battle-cry in a harsh sounding native tongue.
~ That's an interesting word choice. Doesn't "wailing" mean like "screaming?" Like, "wailing in pain" or something?Also, I'm fairly certain you don't need that dash. It's just "battle cry"

It shrieked out in pain and as dark purple blood oozed onto Korsay’s sword.


Fierce fighting followed.
~ Show us, don't tell us.

There were flashes of black naked steel that slashed through the frosty air. Korsay parried the graceless blows and let his elegant blade slash[s]ing[s] through their armor.
~ See how those words sound really similar? Maybe change up your word choice, since they're so close to one another?

The sharp stabbing sensation
~ No, really? He got stabbed and he has a stabbing sensation? :P

A sea of endless rambling thoughts flooded his mind.
~ This is very good. I like this description very, very much. <3

His blood curdled.
~ I know the expression "a blood curdling scream," but you can't actually have blood curdle. Curdling is what old milk does, to make it into that weird sort of cheese-stinky-whatever-it-is. Maybe describe it as his stomach sank, or his skin prickled, or something?

All at the hands of Korsay.
~ No. All because of Korsay's failure, very possibly-- but at the hands of Void, the necromancer.

As the blood left his body, he felt it immediately freeze over as it greeted the icy air.
~ Please. He wouldn't be able to feel his own blood freezing. He'd be slightly more occupied... by the feeling of it gushing out of him, most likely.
~

Okay!

So, that review got a lot longer and more detailed than I intended it to be. Sorry... unless you don't mind my anal nitpicks, in which case you're welcome. ;) Jk, but, seriously, I hope it didn't discourage you. I did enjoy your piece, or I wouldn't have taken the time to go so in depth with my review. I only give hour-long reviews to the pieces I see potential in, haha :)

You do have a very good story idea here. I really love fantasy stories with weird beasts, and I adore your concept of Goulraths. I like your description of them, and enjoy their brutish behavior. It's very good, well done.

I also like the concept of a scout getting killed by an enemy army of Goulraths. I think it sets up the scene well for a good many other scene opportunities-- and is an engaging read, which is good in your prologue, obviously. It makes me curious what will happen in your first chapter, while it doesn't give me too many hints to ruin whatever surprise I'm sure you have waiting.

And...um, I'm bad at summarizing, so I'll end this review now. Can't wait to read the next bit of your story.

~Shady 8)




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Wed Apr 30, 2014 8:50 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



"He rolled backwards and bow fell from his hand across the forest floor." - and the bow

"at least three inches into his calf" - you've said calf a few times. You could maybe use another word like, leg or muscle or flesh.

"Korsay seeped in pain" - I think it would just be 'Korsay seeped pain'

"so he picked the arrow" - picked up the arrow

"the dark necromancer, Void was behind it all" - I think you should put a comma after 'Void' as well as before.

"It certainly didn’t help the pain, however, there was less blood brimming ferociously from his leg now," - I'd take a new sentence at 'however'. I just got a little confused because I couldn't figure out what the however was supposed to apply to.

"agony grew into adrenaline and his instincts kicked it" - kicked in

"Korsay was nowhere near as good with a sword as he was with a bow nevertheless he still could hold his own" - New sentence at nevertheless, or a comma might do.

"The first Goulrath charged wailing its sword in the air" - comma before wailing

"let his elegant blade slashing through their armour" - 'slash' instead of 'slashing'

"While Korsay was on the floor" - this is a repetition of 'floor' quite close to its last use. I would suggest 'While Korsay was down' but its up to you whether you change it at all or not.

"ripped the dagger for his thigh" - from his thigh

"defeated against the armies of the north" defeated by the armies

"Korsay thought to himself. Was there any way out of this situation?" - I wouldn't take a new sentence there. A colon might be useful.

"end of my days.” He vowed staring" - comma instead of full stop.

"you monsters!” and in one" - New sentence at 'and' - so 'And'.

"dropped to their ground, legless" - 'the' ground.

Okay, on to plot stuff. I think it was a great idea to kill the character in the prologue. Often with prologues, it's just an early chapter slightly out of time with the rest of the story. This sets this part of the story apart from the rest because I guess Korsay can't have any more adventures now.
I think perhaps you could have had Korsay wonder about his home life. I'd be interested to know what it is that he's leaving behind. Perhaps he could have last thoughts of someone before he breaths his last breath.

Can't wait for Chapter 1. Well done :)






Thanks for the advice! I have made many errors and thank you for picking them out for me. i will make edits ASAP. Chapters 1 and 2 are up now if you would like to read them. I shall see the reception I get from them to see if i continue to post my chapters on this site.



ExOmelas says...


Oh great, I'll find them tomorrow :)



Shady says...


Oh, hey, I didn't get a notification for this. I'm totally on that. :)



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Wed Apr 30, 2014 7:43 pm
CarsonTheArson wrote a review...



Hello there! Cay here to review!

First off, some favorites lines before we begin:
"Worms of sweat slithered down his face as he sprinted through the dark." XD That is brilliant. I would have never come up with that.
"I don't know what hurts more, the pain or the embarrassment."
"Better to die with a sword in hand than my face in the dirt."

Ok, now onto the review:
"When he entered the borders" - This seems a little awkwardly worded to me. Maybe you can try something like, "When he passed over the border" or something like that. Just see if you can work on that a bit.

The necromancer's name is pretty cool, and quite fitting I would say. I like it :)

When he wounded his leg, you first said it was on his calf, but then you say "his injured knee". Go back and choose one so that you are consistent.

XD I was wondering when you were gonna get him to do something about his leg. Actually, I was surprised he didn't do something about it at the beginning. His first priority would have probably been stopping the blood, so maybe add that in earlier.

Ahh! I love your description of the Goulrath! They seem like such menacing creatures, and the way you describe their voices is very neat. I see them and hear them in my head, and it's so cool :)

"Korsay parried the graceless blows and let his elegant blade SLASH through their armour." - Slash is probably a better form to use here.

Aww... Poor Korsay's getting all beat up... :P You haven't revealed much about him other than the fact that he is a personal scout for the king, but I think his character is pretty good. He's a determined little bugger too. XD

YOU KILLED HIM!! You monster...

That was quite the ending. I loved it :) I think this is gonna turn out to be a very good story. So I expect to see more! Good job on this :)






Thank you SO much for the review. I am going to make changes now, cheers for the advice. I killed off Korsay at the beginning because I felt it set the tone for the rest of the book. I also wanted a menacing introduction to the Goulrath. I am going to upload the next chapter tomorrow.





Awesome :) Can't wait to read it!





Chapters





Chapters 1 and 2 are up and ready to read. Would love to see what you think!





Cool :) I will get to that soon




Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein