hands clutch tightly on painted wood
splintered at the ends, broken, peeling
scratched and bloodied, useless
on the soft dirt in the dead of night
no sound, save for breathing
save for footsteps, conversation;
they pause on occasion,
prick ears like wild animals
fearful of predator, conscious of prey,
pray – there is no soul in the endless
chill of night, yet
they are not cold.
she tells him, with paling gestures,
how to rob a bank; he whispers of
missed friendships and lost connections.
their words are punctuated by backwards glances.
onwards is eternity and behind nothing,
just spindles and roads and costly houses,
a quiet unbothered path back to rest,
back to sleep, a welcoming couch
and a warm blanket – he’ll sleep on the floor,
they’ll breathe the same air across
rooms with unlocked doors.
she feels the touch of fear and the words
of her mother warning her away; he is confident,
she only knows later of the silver blade in his pocket.
their footsteps are punctuated by stolen heartbeats.
across the bend they begin to see with
curious fervor; the road becomes hard
enough to drop wheels to the ground and go.
an emergency phone blinks, stark against
the backdrop, she notes it, he taps it,
they continue in breathless silence.
when they finally stop partway along the water
she checks his looming figure against the cold metal
holding them back from an insatiable current.
the stars across the sky are blinding
but nothing lights the bridge quite like the fire in his eyes.
quote by henry david thoreau
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey Cairo Catcha01 here with a very long overdue review.
I really love this poem. It has a way of really speaking to you, especially through the imagery that you incorporated throughout the piece. The plot that seems to be flowing through it seems like lovers or people who hold feelings of the sort for one another. This really caught my attention because your initial quote implies the growth of their relationship from friends to that lover position. Also I like how you were able to give the characters described some type of personality throughout the poem. From what I've gathered the female character has experience in criminal activities such as robbing a bank. I really liked that line and how you incorporated it as well. Overall I have no complaints on this piece. I loved every bit of it and am honored you asked me to review it.
Keep Writing!
~Catcha01
Hello! Here to save this great poem from the Green Room!
This left me with such a sweet yearning. I loved it. I loved the tone you created will all those rich, rich adjectives, and those descriptive verbs. The pacing was beautiful.
Can I also say that I love how you cited your source for the quote? Because I did. That made me happier than it should have.
I felt like there was something secret going on in this whole poem. It felt like watching young lovers bury a body or something. Sorry, that's a bad analogy. I wasn't sure what was really going on, though I didn't feel much loss for the meaning. Here's a better analogy: It was like watching a crime unfold, scene by scene, but not knowing exactly what the perpetrators' goals are.
Your word choice was just so wonderful. No words were wasted, and that idea fits very well with the theme of the poem. And not just the individual words either. I loved the whole image about "breathing the same air."
I don't have much to critique about this. Unfortunately I'm in a situation where I can't read this out loud, so if you haven't read it aloud, I suggest you do so. It may point out some things that seem a bit awkward.
Also, the first stanza felt a little slow and confusing. Maybe that feeling was intentional, as that's how most beginnings to everything in life are. If you don't want that though, perhaps you could cut out a few things. I believe you would be the best judge of what to strike.
I also didn't really see the need for the stanza starting with: "an emergency phone..." But maybe that's because I didn't get the whole story of this poem.
I just really liked this. Everything about it was great.
Keep writing.
~fortis
"Watching young lovers bury a body" was probably my favorite description of something, you know, ever.
Thank you for the review! C: I will for sure read it out loud, see how it goes. I might see about uncluttering the beginning, for sure!
Thanks again!
Okay, so. This was kind of fantastic. And I'm kind of speechless. So...there you go.
-X
Thanks a bunch! C:
To start- this is super good. I really like your syntax here, but there are a few clarity/nitpick things I want to mention, starting from the top.
In your opening line, the narrator has or observes "hands clutching tightly." By using clutch, you're already kind of insinuating that the hold is tight. Adding another level of the same word is unnecessary. If you remove the word tightly, you speed up the sentence a bit, remove some of the clutter of it.
(Quick shoutout to your prey/pray transfer, because I really dig that.)
My last real critique is with the "onwards is eternity, and behind nothing." Now, I could have misread this, and you could actually mean that eternity is behind nothing, OR, if you were trying to demonstrate the contrast between onwards and behind, I would suggest slipping an 'is' in between behind and nothing.
Overall, I really, really liked this. The content reminds me a little of Richard Siken, to be honest. I would note for punctuation consistency- also, with the "their [blank] are punctuated by [blank]," try for one more repetition of it. Three times always makes things seem a little more rounded out.
As with any review, take everything I say with a grain of salt. It's your poem- this is just what I got from it.
Happy writing!
Hi there! Thanks for the review.
I hadn't even thought that clutching implied tightly, ehe. I might consider rewording that, especially since the beginning is kind of slow?
Also - oops! I certainly didn't mean for eternity to be behind nothing. I'll see if I can fix that. I think it's just my style, I like to omit words and see how it goes, but if it makes it sounds like eternity is literally behind something that might be a problem... Hmm. I may still leave it as it is, but we shall see.
Thanks a bunch for your review, I really appreciate it! & glad you liked the prey-pray thing, I loved writing that bit! C:
"she feels the touch of fear and the words
of her mother warning her away; he is confident,
she only knows later of the silver blade in his pocket. "
I absolutely love this. It reminds me of my life and seriously it is beautiful. Bravo! This poem is truly amazing
Thank you!
This is a really good poem. I love the imagery you used it in. This was really good!
Aww, thank you. c: