i have gone my whole life avoiding you.
at least,
since the very moment you threw your car keys
at my back, stuck like darts in my slamming door -
i was five years old and terrified.
we spent the night chasing your screaming voice
across a city lit like fire in defiance of the night, i
thought i saw your face on a passing bus
but i was wrong and
it was in that moment when i realized it was my fault,
and i finally understood why
children are seen and not heard or, better still
why little girls should be invisible.
it wasn’t until i was seventeen,
empowered by the combat boots i put on my feet
and the phonetic alphabet bouncing around in my head
with biology and chemistry and pure independence
and the realization that i wasn’t a child any more -
it wasn’t until then that i left you.
the car keys were clenched tight in my hand this time,
and i thought about it - god, i did - but i didn’t throw them back at you,
i put them in the ignition and hit the gas, screaming your name
like it wasn’t just me escaping,
alone.
it was as though all those years
i spent hiding from you, under my bed
and in my closet and anywhere that i could fit
where you couldn’t -
it all finally manifested, all at once,
spurred my angry feet and i left you.
you haven’t crossed my mind since.
at least, not until recently
when i realized how vivid the summer really is:
the brilliant grass in the red sunlight,
the white bodies clad in bright shirts and shorts,
the flowers and the birds
and the deer and the people -
the trees the river the boats and everything,
everything,
everything that they say you can’t see any more.
i
am nineteen and successful,
beautiful and well-established and everything
you never wanted me to be, i
am better off without you and yet,
i hurt to think of you.
they tell me you’re getting better,
they tell me you’re off the medication
but you can’t see any more, you can’t drive
you can’t walk down the street by yourself
you can’t do the only things you ever took pride in
for a man so enslaved by his disease, i
think of you never seeing your daughter again,
not even in the figurative sense any more but literally,
i think of you never knowing what i look like now
and I KNOW they say don’t confuse pity for love
I DON’T KNOW if i love you
but i can’t handle hurting you
please please please open your eyes, i
hate you so much but,
i don’t want you to die alone.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,558 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Deleted for review spam.
Hi there Cairo!
I'm not too good at giving feedback but I'll give it a go.
First of all, I loved this poem, I could really feel the emotions the narrator was feeling and I felt as she grew the poem grew with her. Nicely written and a pleasure to read.
If I had to pick at one thing its that the subject seems quite broad (I think somebody else has mentioned this too) and I feel that there is a big skip in the poem from a young age to almost adult age which leaves a large mysterious gap for the read, however, this may have been a tool you used to try and keep the poem mysterious? I think that a poem can never be right or wrong.
Overall this was a lovely poem and I think you've got a talent when it comes to making your reader feel something, you made me feel a lot!
Keep writing, my friend
-plathonstone
Hello Cairo!
This piece is so beautiful. I absolutely love the imagery and figurative language you used throughout your poem. It really solidifies the theme and enhances what you're trying to say.
One of my favorite lines in the poems is when you said, "we spent the night chasing your screaming voice
across a city lit like fire in defiance of the night". These lines are so strong and it gives the reader the opportunity to feel the emotions and vividly visualize this scene.
One recommendation I have is to focus on one subject instead of multiple ones. I feel like the subject you are writing on is very broad, and if you focused on one situation within the conflict instead of the broad overview, it would have a greater affect. I also feel like the resolution is too great of a shift. The conflicted feelings should be introduced earlier in the poem. It confuses the reader, because they are being faced with the hatred and anger the girl is experiencing and then we are faced with her confusion.
In conclusion, this poem successfully made me feel the narrators emotions. I LOVED IT!! Again, your descriptions were so beautiful. I really want to read more of your writing. Thanks so much for sharing this amazing poem!
-PP
Hey, Cello here!
You're an amazing writer when it comes to writing with emotion. I could really feel what the speaker was feeling.
A few notes...
I couldn't tell the parents gender until the poem was almost over. This would be okay and all if I had started the reading imagining the father oppose to the mother. (One of the character I tend to work with had 'mommy-problems' so that was my default setting) If someone thinks 'dad' then they'll have no problem reading the line 'or a man so enslaved by his disease'. If the person thought 'mom' then they might feel a bit surprised, taking away from the poem. Either mention the parents gender earlier or don't say it at all, leaving it up for the reader to adapt it so they can best relate.
Don't skip so much age. This poem in written and done so don't feel the need to do this for this work but just as a note-
You skipped from five years old to seventeen very quickly. Maybe mention an incident around age ten or twelve. Maybe both.
Also, you have a lot of words WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS. I never like reading things with this, it looks 'unprofessional' or however you want to state it. Usually italics fixes the problem.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello