What would you do if you weren't real?
If you were nothing but a chill in the night.
Would you sing for cards and strike a deal?
Could you even sleep without fright?
Watch the stars or count the sheep.
Draw the line and pray for time.
Crack like stone and howl for sleep.
This room isn't real, this life is a lie.
Deadman's chest inside your head.
Delusion's crest jabbed through your breast.
Insanity's ply must not be fed,
But it's too late for all us pests.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
BRILLANCE EVERYWHERE!!!this is so beautiful. i love this so much! now this is how people are supposed to write poems about insomnia. a lot of people can't get inside the head of "crazy" people. this is 100% accurate. you are a beautiful person.
Thank you.
Wow just wow. I'm gonna write this poem down frame it and put it up on my wall. Does this count as a review if its just praise? Doesn't matter
"Deadman's chest inside your head."
This line was beautifully written.
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Hello there, danickname,
This is actually one of my favorite topics to discuss. By farrr. I love wondering what would happen to us if not everything we believed was actually true. These are exactly the things that i stay up at night wondering about and thinking about while i have no hope of sleeping at all. You have captured it perfectly. I have in fact even wondered if maybe insanity's ply is throwing me awry (ha ha). my favorite part is...well i LOVED absolutely every last word of your wonderfully beautiful piece. but I especially loved that last paragraph, about the insanity.
"Deadman's chest inside your head.
Delusion's crest jabbed through your breast.
Insanity's ply must not be fed...
But 'tis too late for all us pests."
I really didn't see any terrible errors in this piece, i really didn't see any errors at all.... the work was very very nicely done.
By the way, welcome to yws!!!!!
amazing job, feel free to message me, and keep writing!
--Cam
Thanks!
Hey there. Welcome to YWS. ^^
Okay so, I'm gonna start with the negative: I'm not a big fan of the rhyme scheme. I felt that it was forced and made the flow choppy. There are some parts where it worked nicely:
and some parts where it failed:
Howl for sleep? Really? No me gusta. I dislike that.
This feels out of place along the rest of this poem. Your poem is modernized, which means it's written as it should be in the 21st century, and then you throw in this. It doesn't work. It sounds like something out of a bad Shakespeare fanfic.
Your first stanza was awesome and relevant to the title and made a lot of sense... and then you lost me. I was confused at the end of this poem. What was the point of this? I don't even feel like we're talking about insomnia anymore.
Overall, this was a good poem but needs a lot of work. I suggest you revise and edit. But it did have some nice imagery in there, especially in the last stanza.
Hope this helps.
~Iggy
Hi Ignorance! Or Iggy now, I guess. How did you change your username? Anyways... I'm glad that some parts worked, and also kinda glad that some parts didn't. Learning!
And as for the title... Yeah, the poem isn't exactly about insomnia. But "Person With An Ambiguous Sleeping Disorder" doesn't really have the same ring to it, I'll try thinking of a better name. So er, thank you for the review! I really appreciate constructive criticism.
Hey, SecreteJournalist here for a quick review! I'm a little late, but....
First off, let me just clarify this now. Wow. I love this poem a lot!
I can feel the character in this screaming at night, wanting nothing but to sleep and relax from their thoughts. It was definitely well thought out.
Your word choice, grammar, spelling, and punctuation is perfect, except one small nit-pick I have.
I feel as if the dots from fed are unnecessary. Maybe try a comma?
The last two lines stood out to me, but so did the first stanza. It's as if, once I started reading, I couldn't stop! Besides my nitpick, this poem is near perfect. I'd absolutely love to read more from you!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Thank you for the review! I haven't really done anything here since last year, so I'm glad my stuff are starting to grab attention. I'll get to revising it in awhile.