The brightness of the sun
Mirrors on the moon
Shines in the middle
Of a million tiny stars.
Lamps to light the dark.
Wiping away a baby's tears,
Guiding an old lost family,
Giving hope to a fearing heart,
Shining light to the surrendering,
Giving hope to those who wish.
Not just a rock up in the sky
For there is more to what it means.
Hope and love and peace
To all that see its light
Despite what they believe.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Sunshine here to review.....
it's simple and pretty. I wish I could review this a bit better, but it looks like I've been beat to it. I do agree with the other two, you used hope a lot and it's a bit overkill. The message in the poem was very straightforward and conveyed a very easy to understand message. Your analogies, metaphors, and similes made sense and you created really cool images. I love this part of the poem, I found it really sweet.
What a lovely poem about the moon
"Lamps to light the dark.
Wiping away a baby's tears,
Guiding an old lost family,
Giving hope to a fearing heart,
Shining light to the surrendering,
Giving hope to those who wish."
Good job! Keep on writing!
Hello!
This was a pretty poem. I like the message of the moon representing more. You had some nice images in here, I especially like the "Not just a rock up in the sky" line.
The thing that I think is holding your poem back from being as brilliant as the moon (hehe) is just some technical things. This is kind of confusing, grammar-wise. Let me show you what I mean. With the line-breaks removed, this is your poem:
See, if you read it as just a paragraph, it doesn't make much sense grammar wise. If you had taken out all punctuation, I wouldn't bother with this (because punctuation is an author's choice), but since you have it, I'm going to help you fix it so that it's "correct."
You don't have to change it like this of course, these are just suggestions. You are the grand author, and you can do what you want.
My corrections are in red.
Now some of this may not be what you wanted exactly. I wasn't sure if you wanted the "million tiny stars" to be the lamps, or the moon to be the lamp. You also of course don't have to change the parts where I changed the -ing's to -es's. That is definitely your choice. Really, do what you want, I'd hate to have to be the strangler of art.
One last thing. You use the words "giving hope" like one line apart at the beginnings of the lines. I think you should change one or the other to something different for the sake of diversity. It would make it sound better. ^_^
Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey there Kat here to write a review for you and Reviewlution on this fine day!
Okay one thing, you used hope to much. Try expanding your vocabulary a little bit and use synonyms or describe how the people feel with this hope the moon gives them. I also feel like it should have been longer, like this was an introduction to some epic tale of the moon. However, I adore this poem! It's so beautiful the way you describe the moon. Many people don't think of the moon as a reflection of the sun and many people don't realize how much the moon helps us . But the fifth line doesn't make any sense, "lamps". are you talking about the moon, stars, or the moon and the stars? Also "Hope and love and peace " should be "Hope,love,and peace" or "Hope, and love, and peace" if you intended to have the peaceful and "and" effect a break is really good in these type of poems. If you play an instrument, imagine a comma is like a berth mark but not a rest. it adds a pause or separates and idea without ending it but keeps the reader from rushing and adding to much energy to a slow, calm, meaningful poem. It is also used to separate lists. I'm sure you already knew this but just incase. Overall quite a fine piece here and very vivid. I look forward to reading more of your work, Keep it up!
~Kat