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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Chapter One: horns, scales, eyes and tails

by Jackalcat


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

The sky above the house was the colour of television, tuned to a dead channel when the first whale jumped out of the mist.

“Savern, dear, please come on inside, its dangerous outside”

it was always dangerous to be out in mist, considering it was essentially the sea, inhabited by fish, whales, sharks and other aquatic animals.(they also can be found in clouds, any body of water really)

“I'll be in soon” I yelled back to the run down house behind me as I watched a school of fish dart around me.

My mother had dinner on the table by the time I had wandered back to the house, fried fish and eggs, not my favourite but delicious none the less. Mothers cooking always was, people said she was blessed by the gods when she was a child, others say she was born with the power to make anything she touched beautiful. That didn’t explain me though. I was uglier as a cows ass. Horns, cat eyes and everything. I tugged down my rolled up sleeves to hide my arms, the scales are getting worse and I don’t have the guts to tell mother her only daughter was a monster.

“worse vacation ever” my brothers voice echoed into my inner monologue “ everyday has been miserable. Save is the only one enjoying itself. Freak.”

Yes his words hurt but nothing could hurt more than how my father looked at me. Eyes filled with so much disgust it leaked all over his face, I was his ultimate mistake. Im only alive because my mother wont let him kill me. Bless her soul. But it'd be easier if he did.

Mother smacked Edger in the side of the head and scowled at him.

“sorry Save”

“its okay I don’t mind” I laughed.

“will you be eating with us tonight Savern dear?” Mothers eyes looked hopeful

“not tonight mother, but you are always welcome in my room”

mother looked sad but grateful I didn’t often let people in my room, since I had scales and stuff. I flipped my hoodie up over the horns, grabbed my dinner and headed upstairs.

Fourth door on your left, round the corner on the right then second door in the tree. That was my room, I had said it so many times as a kid when people stilled visited me. Scales and horns. our house was huge, so many unused rooms. It was built for a bigger family than ours, but no one minded. No one got a room near anyone else’s and I got the best one. over looking the cliff out the back, built into the trees for extra support I could see the Forrest during the day and the sea when the mist set in.

I heard my brother arguing with my parents through the walls, boy he could sure yell.

“you said we would go on vacation, you lied to us again, this is the fourth time you said we would get away and then bailed at the last fucking minuet” there was a thump followed by a cry of pain.

“do not swear at your mother” father wasn’t yelling but his voice carried so clearly I could’ve sworn he was in the room with me. I hate it when they fight, because its ether about me or about mother forgetting to do something. My poor mother. Always so tired.

I looked in the mirror conveniently hanging on the back of my door, slowly I stripped down to my underwear and gently brushed my hands over my stomach. The scales glistened in the streams of moonlight, it was almost beautiful. Almost. The scales on my arms where darker and my horns were black and stood out against the fire on my head that tumbled down my back. Everyone always told me my hair was the most amazing red they had ever seen, 'it almost burns like a fire' was the most commonly used line. Then my horns started to grow and those same people screamed 'witch' and threw stones.

There was a bright light outside that flooded my room though the gaps in the blinds. My father had always hated the driveway 'doesn’t match the house' he’d say ' the house wasn’t built backwards the driveway was' was his favourite line. I laughed out loud then realised my mother was standing in the door way smiling at me with tears swelling in her eyes, I then remembered I was standing in the middle of my room, in my underwear. I fell to the floor in embarrassment. She saw. There was no way she didn’t.

“may I come in.” mother said as she walked in and wrapped a blanket around me. “we don’t have to talk about It but id like to”

I nodded, not because I wanted to talk but because I could do nothing else

“how long has it been getting worse?”

“three weeks now.”

my mother shook her head and smiled at me.

You know bill isn’t actually your father right?” mother whispered

“yeah” mother breathed out expecting more of an answer from me. “ I know, people at school say you were abducted and forced to carry the child of a monster.....you were forced to carry... me.”

my mother hugged me tight. “no, not a monster...”

there was a bang as the front door was slammed and heavy foot steps shook the four story house.

[authors note, any grammar mistakes are on purpose, its how the speak]


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1634 Reviews


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Wed May 07, 2014 7:31 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Jackal!

I've decided to read through your story all the way from the beginning :) I have to say I do think you've got an interesting idea here with these people who don't seem to speak with pauses and live in a world where one person who gets scales and horns can be seen as ultimately 'different' from the rest. I am eager to learn more.

Now I know that you said the grammar mistakes are on purpose because that is the way that they speak. But I don't think it is right to get rid of all of them, seeing as the grammar is there for the reader as much as it can be toyed with for the story. We don't necessarily speak in full stops and capital letters, so it would be fine to add those in to the story. We do speak with commas to make breaks in sentences, but if they don't use them then they talk without pausing. Fine, leave out the commas then. But I do think full stops and especially capital letters are the bare minimum that should be kept. At least for readers to be able to read without too much difficulty and still be able to focus on the story.

That was my room, I had said it so many times as a kid when people stilled visited me. Scales and horns


I think you mean 'still' here. Also, why did you randomly throw 'scales and horns' into the story here? It just confused me...

Although this was a chapter that opened the story in a way to gather my interest, it did leave me puzzled. I don't really get what type of environment they are living in and what it looks like. Is this some fantasy world because there are whales everywhere, and she has scales and horns? Or is it in the modern day human world and the person is an outcast because they should be human but instead look alien?

I liked your description of what Save looks like. It makes sense for the scales to be almost beautiful. It would also be a good time to throw in that they would always be ugly because they had cause so much ugliness in abuse as well. It would've been a great metaphorical moment. Don't let it slip away ;)

So there are a few of my points to help improve this chapter! I think the world their living in is the one that should be most stressed, otherwise the reader might not get what is going on, so it won't be as hooking. I will go read the second chapter!

Deanie x




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 4:48 am
lostthought wrote a review...



Hi there! Interesting concept. Let's review!

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
it was always
“worse
everyday has been

Every time you start a new sentence, you always capitalize it. I found some more, but I only listed a few for example.

The other thing that really bugged me was how you had absolutely no punctuation in or by your dialogue. Even a incorrect period would be nice.

There were some minor things Noelle already pointed out. (The possessive nouns) But since its already said and done, I guess I don't need to clear that part.


This is an interesting idea. Poor Savern. I wonder why she was, is, so deformed. Did the mom accidentally get together with a demon and have a bit too much fun? I guess we can't know until you say in a later chapter.

I'm guessing the brother tries to avoid his sister (half sister) due to the rumors circling that his sister is a witch. Can't keep one down for a sister that doesn't fully share his blood. A shame.

Well, welcome to YWS and keep writing!

-lost




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 1:41 am
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

The sky above the house was the colour of television, tuned to a dead channel when the first whale jumped out of the mist.

I understand your metaphor here at the beginning, but I don't understand the part about the whale. Is there literally a whale jumping out of the mist or is it just in Savern's imagination? I think you should make that a bit clearer.

Well, I read on and realized that you probably did mean a literal whale jumping out of the mist. Still though, I think that sentence will work better if you break it up. Mention the whale in the second sentence. Say something like, "Then I saw the first whale jump out of the mist".

Alright, so I know that you said all grammar errors are on purpose, but some of them really need to be fixed. First of all, there are many places where you do not capitalize the first word of a sentence. You'll want to fix that when you go back and edit. Another mistake I found was that you used the word 'its' when you should've put an apostrophe in there. Remember:

its=possessive. Example: its couch; its color; its height.
it's=it is. Example: it's a couch; it's a color; it's tall.

Other than that, I couldn't find much wrong with this chapter. You've got a solid story here and I'm really looking forward to learning more about Savre and her life. This mist is interesting as well. It's quite a supernatural event that is unlike anything I've ever read about.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**





i exist in a constant state of confusion so its ok
— veeren