I like it Aria ^.^
I would review it too, but I have all but forgotten how to review poetry xD
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River, river, quick and calm,
Path that leads to far beyond,
Carry ship which lonely sails,
Across the sea, across the sea.
Captain silent on the deck,
Eyes in which once darkness fell;
As he met his lady dear,
Lady siren of the seas,
Maiden fair of underneath,
Who reigns where death of him would be.
Tell me, tell me, siren says,
Flowing hair above the waves,
Of this land you call your own,
Of this kingdom you are from,
This king, this king you never knew,
Do you know and do you care,
Whom you serve, for whom you sail.
Can you tell, oh can you tell,
If on land you know your way,
As you know it on the sea,
When it leads you close to me?
My king, my king is whom I serve,
The crown which hides behind stone walls,
Far from ships and far from sea,
Far from where I know my way.
Tell you, tell you, of my land,
Of the kingdoms I am from,
I can't, I can't, I never could,
For land is not where I belong;
The sea is kingdom that I need,
This ship my fortress and my walls;
But orders given must be kept, and by those orders I am bound,
As I told you once before,
When I caught you in my net,
When I let you sing your song,
When I set you free to waves.
Come, oh sailor, captain brave,
Closer, closer to the edge.
Look further, further to the sea,
Let horizon call you near,
Let the voices lead you down,
Deeper, deeper underneath,
Where I will be, where I will be, on the floor of ocean deep.
Close your eyes and follow home,
To the castle in the sand,
Your patient lady of the seas,
Who'll wait on bed of coral trees.
Siren, siren, captain sighs,
Patience is the one I fear.
My ship, my ship I cannot leave,
Horizon never, never chase;
Your sea, your castle in the sand,
The songs you sing, the tales you tell,
Can never be, can never be,
The voice which leads me underneath.
I cannot follow, mustn't come,
To your bed of coral trees;
Can't close my eyes, can't hold my breath,
Can't leave this ship to sail alone;
For the island I shall reach
Is the land on which I'll stay,
Is the land on which I'll fight.
Promise, promise, captain, please,
Once you answer island's call,
Once you do what needs be done,
In that kingdom not your own,
That you will come back to the sea;
Come to me and listen close,
To the stories I will tell, to the song that I will sing.
You will tell me what I ask,
Close your eyes and hold your breath,
Follow down to realms of mine,
To my castle in the sand.
When I do what must be done,
When I answer island's call,
For my king for whom I sail, for the crown to which I serve,
My word you have, my word you have;
I will come back to the sea,
I will answer to your call.
For you I'll chase for the horizon,
Follow voices, cross the edge,
Look further, further to the sea,
Swim deeper, deeper underneath.
I will see your home, your home,
See your castle in the sand,
under waves and under world, far from where I don't belong,
To where my patient lady waits
On her bed of coral trees.
Ocean, ocean, vast and deep,
Kingdom which this ship once sailed,
Island, island you will mourn,
Weep for lives now lost to war;
For the captain you once knew,
Lead by orders of his king,
Crown which hides behind stone walls.
His promises he'll never keep, his lady never again see;
His patient lady of the seas,
His maiden fair of underneath.
_________
(Sidenote: This is a legend sang/told by people from my Fading Fairytales novel. It's also the first poem-ish thing of this sort I ever wrote, and in my mind it also has its sung variation.. and is probably altogether much better than it actually is >.> )
I like it Aria ^.^
I would review it too, but I have all but forgotten how to review poetry xD
:O
Seee? You can write poetry!
This was absopositively wonderful! It had such a strong rhythm, and I wouldn't be surprised if it could be easily set to music.
First of all, I love the tone of this captain and this siren, the story was wonderful and tragic. Your word choice was spectacular. You really painted the scene very descriptively. I especially like the image of the coral trees. And then all the other words you used as well, their connotations fit very well with the story. When he's talking about his duty, he uses the words "stone," "fortress" and the like, which reminds me of how firm he must be in his duty to turn down the siren's call. In contrast, when talking about the sea, you used words like "waves" etc. to show the freedom of the sea, the same freedom which calls him.
I thought it was all very lovely, especially the sad ending.
Now, I mentioned your rhythm before. You have this very set pattern, but every now and then, there is a line that disrupts the rhythm.
For example:
In this stanza, the lines in red are the ones that have a rhythm that is different from the rest of the stanza.
Siren, siren, captain sighs,
Patience is the one I fear.
My ship, my ship I cannot leave,
Horizon never, never chase;
Your sea, your castle in the sand,
The songs you sing, the tales you tell,
Can never be, can never be,
The voice which leads me underneath.
I cannot follow, mustn't come,
To your bed of coral trees;
Can't close my eyes, can't hold my breath,
Can't leave this ship to sail alone;
For the island I shall reach
Is the land on which I'll stay,
Is the land on which I'll fight.
Yo :3
I really like it (surprise surprise). I think it flows well and it paints a picture and tells a story and all that good stuff. I like the mysterious, mythical and slightly melancholy vibe I get from it, and it really makes me want to go and read chapter 3 right now.. In fact I think I will.
Anyway, I have two nitpicks
1. Is the first paragraph supposed to be so different in formatting from the rest?
2. This line:
It doesn't really make sense. I know words has to be sacrificed for the flow, but it need something like "the only kingdom that I need".The sea is kingdom that I need,
Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634
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