z

Young Writers Society



Raising children

by Gardevite


Planted in ninety six

sprouted in ninety seven.

About a month early.

.

Momma said I came out

of the ground lookin' like

a little snowman. I was

too weak to handle

the sun, so Momma

sent one of the little

helpers to be my shield

'till I could live on my own.

.

I'd always been a bit more

drawn to the anther that

the stigma, but Momma

said that wasn't right.

.

She told me that the

world was an ocean,

and we gotta keep kickin'

our hearts out till we drown.

.

She said I attract predators;

my feet in the water sings

and I began to think that

my shield left too soon.

.

She said kick 'till they

come then play dead.

Cos playin' is better

than being.

.

She said that someday

the world will be ready for me.

And I said "But Momma,

I'm ready now."

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39 Reviews

Points: 425
Reviews: 39

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Thu Apr 24, 2014 7:06 pm
TheFlamingonator wrote a review...



This is a very sweet poem. It got a bit annoying when the sentences got cut off at the wrong places, and in my brain it got a bit messed up when I tried to read.

"the anther that the stigma" is this a typo? I've never heard the word 'anther' before, so I might be wrong. just asking :)

Otherwise very nice and simple :)

Keep up the good work :)




Gardevite says...


Would you mind pointing out where the line brakes are awkward?

Also anther isn't a typo, it's a part of a plant- as is the stigma. ;)

When you're quoting, try using this code
Code: Select all
[quote] What you're quoting [/quote]
It helps the over all appearance of your review, and keep it more organized. :)





sorry, still pretty new on this site, also I am usually on a movile device and I am not capable of doing all the things on this site through such devices (like the quotation thingy for example)



Gardevite says...


I'm on mobile too! :) I don't own a laptop. That quote thing was just a tip! :)



User avatar
39 Reviews

Points: 396
Reviews: 39

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Thu Apr 24, 2014 6:15 pm
Sophiewrites wrote a review...



Hey sophiewrites here to write a review!
First off I really enjoyed reading your piece and I am convinced you are really talented!
So let me analyze this..
I think the slang is southern right? It reminded me off the book the help a lot? What did you have in mind writing this?
Anyhow it made the poem really authentic, set the mood right.
My favourite lines are:
,, Momma said I came out

of the ground lookin' like

a little snowman. I was

too weak to handle

the sun, so Momma

sent one of the little

helpers to be my shield

'till I could live on my own. ''

I just love the snowman metaphor so much, it makes me wonder what your shield was..

Only one thing, you made a typo at ,,drawn to the anther that '' so you might want to correct this?

All in all an awesome, really authentic poem!

Keep up the good work,

sophiewrites




Gardevite says...


Thank you! Anther isn't a typo, it's a part of a plant. ;) also, try this code:
Code: Select all
[quote] what you're quoting [/quote]


So it'll look like this! :)



Gardevite says...


Thank you! Anther isn't a typo, it's a part of a plant. ;) also, try this code:
Code: Select all
[quote] what you're quoting [/quote]


So it'll look like this! :)




Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
— Adrian Mitchell