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Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

"Sir, are you Batman?" Chapter 1- Downtown Gotham Sucks ( A lot)

by Gingahcakes


Small wisps of my strawberry red hair flew around as a strong gust of wind flew through the air. I shivered and tightened my small thin jacket around me. My nose and ears were so frozen that they gave up trying to stay warm, my fingers and toes were numb from the cold and my teeth were chattering to no end. Wrapping my arms even tighter around me, I quickened my pace.

Downtown Gotham was not a good place to be. Too bad I lived there. I needed to hurry up and get back to the pile of junk I called home. Too bad my friends left me at the arcade. What great 'friends' they are. Now I have to walk all the way home. Tilting my head up slightly to glance at the sky, I realized it was getting dark. My eyes widened and I started to walk even faster down the cracked and dirty sidewalk. I would have ran home, but that would have caught some unwanted attention. If you know what I mean.

Hurry up, hurry up. I chanted over and over to myself in my head. I do not want to end up chopped up, shot, or raped tonight. So hurry your lazy butt up, Miss Emily Rose Hope! I reprimanded to myself. Usually I would have questioned and laughed at myself for thinking like that, but at the moment I was too terrified to even breathe.

I soon made it Harper Street. That was two streets down from my house. I stopped at the crosswalk and pushed the button that would let me walk across the street. Due to my ever freezing body, I started bouncing up and down on the balls of my feet to stay warm. Glancing at the walking sign, I realized it was still on stop. Groaning, I pressed the button a little harder. Looking at the sign again with hope, I noticed with dread that it was still on stop. My patience was wearing thin. Nervously, I glanced over my shoulder and checked my surroundings. There was no one in sight besides an old woman walking further down the street. I let out a sigh of relief, watching my breath turn white like a cloud of smoke in the air.

Man, it was cold outside. I hate January. It was the coldest month of the year. I didn't have any proper clothing for this kind of weather, just this thin, hand-me-down jacket. I glanced back at the walking sign. It was again still on stop. Growling in irritation, I looked both ways down the street and decided to take my chances. As I was about to break the law and jaywalk, a large rough hand grabbed my shoulder and pulled me back.

"I wouldn't do that Miss. My, my, you're a very pretty little lady."

I stiffened. Don't turn around. Just run. The rational side of me thought. But, alas, my body, wanting to see who grabbed me, turned itself around. My heart rate increased dramatically . The person behind me wore a long black trench coat that was frayed slightly at the sleeves and collar. He also wore a black fedora. It was slightly tipped forward, so I couldn't see his face.

My left foot shifted behind me as I was getting ready to make a break for it. The man, unfortunately, noticed my slight movement and grabbed me roughly by the arm. My heart rate was off the charts by now. I was terrified. As I stood still as a statue, not knowing what to do, the man used his free hand to grab his fedora and slowly take it off his head.

My heart stopped. The man in front of me was wearing a mask, but not just any mask. The mask was white, red, purple, black, and green. What? You haven't guessed what kind of mask it was yet? Well it was a clown mask. And when you see or think of a clown, what do you think of? The circus? Nope. Well not for me, anyway. When you grow up in a place like Gotham, especially Downtown Gotham, you have to know some things. Like you should know that the guy wearing the clown mask in front of you works for the Joker!

Silently screaming inside, I knew I was screwed. Royally flipping screwed. That goon had connections.

"What do-o-o you wa-a-nt?" I stuttered. This man was trained to kill. I don't want to end up dead on the streets of Gotham.

The man gave a deep and dark chuckle. He said one word. A word that chilled me to the core. A word that made me wish death would strike me down right this very moment.

"Pleasure." The man simply said in a scratchy voice. He grinned a Cheshire grin and started to drag me to an empty alleyway. I started clawing at his hand with my free hand while screaming for help.

"HELP ME!! PLEASE, HELP ME!!" I screamed.

It was no use though. No one was going to help me. The people that live in this city are too scared to even walk outside their houses due to the nasty and cruel criminals that lurk the streets.

I was desperate now. I was now in the alleyway. The man pushed me up against the grimy brick wall and took his mask off.

I gasped softly so the goon couldn't hear me. The man's face was scarred so badly, I started to feel pity for him. But then I thought of how he was going to rape me, and all those thoughts disappeared. Instead, all I saw was red. I started kicking and screaming now. I felt a sting on my left cheek as my head flew sideways to the right. Ow.

"Will you shut up?!" The man hissed calmly and quietly.

I was too angry to care about the situation I was in as I calmly asked, "How about you say please?" I smirked. The man's face got redder than a tomato and the smirk fell off my face.

"That was a mistake, princess. You probably won't live to see another day now." My man now was the one smirking. My eyes widened as he said that.

As I stood, or rather hung, against the hard brick wall, I thought about my friends, family, and my future. I didn't want it to end, especially like this. So I made a decision. I screamed a name that even hardened criminals feared. A name people loved and hated. A name I adored and looked up to.

"BATMAN!!! Save me!!"

The goon stilled and his eyes widened. He dropped me and looked around looking for the Batman. Given the chance to escape, I ran like my life depended on it. Which it did, in fact.

As I made it back to the stupid crosswalk, a smash came from the dark and empty alleyway where Joker's goon was. Being the curious and irrational girl I am, I slowly approached the alleyway and peered around the corner. I gasped. It was completely dark out now, but I could clearly see the outline of a man leaning over the sicko who was going to rape and kill me. A man who had the outline of two pointy ears on the top of his head. A man otherwise known as the Batman.

Batman turned towards me and looked at me for a few seconds. Then without warning, he threw down a smoke pellet and disappeared into the night. As I choked and coughed, I giggled like a giddy schoolgirl.

I MET the Batman. THE BATMAN! I was ecstatic.

After my coughing fit, I wrapped my arms around my body and ran back home. When I reached my destination, I ripped the door open to my rickety old house, I locked the door and ran up the stairs, tripping and falling over myself.

Opening my bedroom door, I walked inside my small purple room, and silently shut my door. I ripped off my dirty old converse and threw my dingy jacket onto a nearby chair. I ran up to my bed and collapsed. Flipping myself over, I stared at my Batman and Robin poster on my ceiling. I mentally sighed thinking how awesome superheroes are. Then I facepalmed myself. I could have got a picture with him or something! Like seriously! Batman and I could have gotten a selfie together! Man, I was angry. I shut my eyes and self pitied myself for a few minutes. Soon, my pointer finger lifted itself in the air and I smiled showing off my pearly whites.

"Light bulb!" I announced with a never fading smile.

I was going to see the Batman again. This time I'll actually meet him. A devious smile crawled up slowly on my face. I'm going to meet him the same way other damsels in distress do. I was going to do something incredibly stupid. Something that could get me injured or worse.

I was going to get captured by the Joker.


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1Weirdsituation wrote a review...



Hey hey hey. It's not fat Albert- This is 1 weird situation with a review!
...
Your story so far is exceptionally great. I love the setting you started it in- Explaining Gotham City and introducing the main character. Everything I read made sense (that says a lot). I love this chapter. The point of view was a little vague the first time I read it but I know now that you're not talking to the readers like it's a journal entry. You referred back to the Gotham City civilians and said that they should know who you're talking about when you described the Joker and mentioned Batman.
There was a few writing errors in this chapter but I don't know how to quote things. You are a fantastic writer and that's pretty rare coming from me. Keep writing and check out my portfolio and let me know how I'm doing. Tell me my errors and if you like it or not.
Well, Hasta!
-That situation




Gingahcakes says...


thx sooo much!!! I will check out your portfolio and help u. And yeah, I don't know how to do quotations either when it comes to reviews lol. Anyway thx again! And if want to read more of this story just check out my portfolio. Some of the chapters are drafts, but they are completed :D





Alright :)



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Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Ginga!

It was about time I reviewed your story... so that is what I am doing now. Happy review day!

So, who can't love a Batman fanfic? I mean, Batman is absolutely awesome! It's so interesting how you've made it that Batman is like a superstar and teenage girls have posters of him and want to take pictures, like he has his own teen fandom or something. I feel like this is going to make a rather interesting story! I like how you've got this really light hearted writing style and you're displaying all of Emily's thoughts for us to see.

Emily seems like an interesting character. She certainly knows what she wants and she can change mood rather quickly. She went from not wanting to get in any harms way to wanting to risk it all just to meet Batman again. Maybe this should come more gradual, with her thinking about would she really risk her own safety for Batman as the idea is arising? And then she decides yes, yes she would for someone she really likes. I am still looking forwards to hearing what sets her apart from all the other Batman-girl-fans. I think it probably is the fact that she will go to drastic measures to meet him, and if it is, then you should really stress sit a bit more.

Small wisps of my strawberry red hair flew around as a strong gust of wind flew through the air. I shivered and tightened my small thin jacket around me. My nose and ears were so frozen that they gave up trying to stay warm, my fingers and toes were numb from the cold and my teeth were chattering to no end. Wrapping my arms even tighter around me


It was a nice introduction to the scene, seeing Gotham laid out before us and the cold affecting her and all. You did use the word 'around' three times here, which seemed a bit much. Just add a bit of variation... so maybe 'wrapping my arms even tighter around me,' could become 'tugging my jacket closer' or something else too.

Throughout the beginning of the chapter you first mention the cold in the intro, which is fine. But later on you also mention it again in it's own paragraph, which seems a bit excessive to me. I would much rather you used the second one to describe Gotham a bit more. It's a really dark and dreary and maybe trash-littered place? Full of scared or sneaky looking people, no one kind and compassionate, just the petrified and the brutal. So show us how the scenery reflects this in the houses and buildings too.

I was wondering why she was outside in the first place? Maybe she was meeting someone or just came from school or something - that's for you to decide because it is your novel. But briefly mentioning a reason why would be appreciated ;) It sure did cause her a lot of trouble in the end.

You gave Batman a description as well, mentioning his mask. It could be a little bit longer, seeing as it's the first time we get to see him. I would've liked to see a bit more.

The pacing is awesome, and I love where you ended the chapter. Now I'm left wondering what it is that Emily is planning to do to get to the Joker... it's going to be a rather interesting story. The Joker is also my favourite Batman villain as well! ^.^ Nice choice! Can't wait to see where this goes! Drop me a link on my wall whenever you post the next chapter :) I'd love to read it.

Deanie x




Gingahcakes says...


thanks so much!!! Thanks so much for the review. This helps so much



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Robusto wrote a review...



A good start to this mock Batman series. The characterization of the "Goon" was spot on. These goons aren't insane, and more in it for the fun of killing or money. I found the end exceptionally fuuny when all that was on the girls mind was getting a selfie with Batman, even if realistically speaking that wouldn't be what would be on the girls mind but who am i to judge another writers character. Of course, the proposed plot line does seem a bit absurd. Who would want to get captured by an insane criminal just to see Batman? But this absurdiy is the basis for the plot so far, so i'm curious as to where this will go. Keep writing.




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birk wrote a review...



Hey Ginga!

First off, welcome to YWS! This is an awesome place and I hope you'll love it here.

Well, for a Batman fanfiction where the main character is neither Batman or anyone else associated with him, but rather a random girl instead, this is a pretty neat story. Or first chapter.

You write very well, this has decent formatting and I found very few grammatical errors. Good!

One thing I really liked about it was how you wrote a perfect amount of humor into it (in fact, your title alone deserves likes). The main character is pretty solid, and she's pretty likeable so far. There are still some things that remain unclear about her though. I'd definately like to know her age; I'm guessing she's a young woman in her late teens (who hangs out at the arcade?). I'd also clear up whether she lives alone or with her parents. You say it's her house, but then she goes to her room, so I'd go with the latter.

Alright, I'll write as I go along:

from the cold, and my teeth

Uneccessary comma.

So hurry your lazy butt up, Miss Emily Rose Hope!

I know you need to get your character's name in there, but I thought this was a pretty poor exposition. Who uses their full name when they think to themselves? Cute name though.

Edit
I reprimanded to myself.

Tricky one. I'd still put this in there though.

As I was about to break the law and jaywalk,

This whole part where she has to wait for this light and it gets her caught, seems a bit off to me. There aren't any mention of busy cars going by, which makes sense as it's nighttime, so I suppose she's just waiting for the light. But this is Gotham, right? I wouldn't think people there were so stuck up on such small matters. The GPD probably has more important matters than jaywalking too. ;)

Edit
He also wore a black fedora, also .


I started to move my

I began to notice here, and it continue through the rest of the chapter, that you keep starting senteces with I did this, I did that etc. Try to mix it up.

what kind of mask it was, yet?

Drop the comma.

My man chuckled a deep and dark chuckle.

I'm not sure why she keeps saying my man instead of the man, but I kind of like it. It gives her narration more character.

My man chuckled a deep and dark chuckle.

Another thing here. You follow chuckled with chuckle. Maybe replace the last one with snicker or perhaps giggle? Giggle seems more clowny to me as well. ;)

He grinned a Cheshire Cat worthy smile

Cheshire grin is actually a thing. Named after the character. Fully acceptable to use this instead of naming the cat itself.

Suggestion
while screaming for help.


I started kicking and screaming

Your paragraphs so far has been great in lenght, but towards the end here, they began getting quite small. It led to more sentences starting with more I did this, I did that etc.

Suggestion
As I stood, or rather hung, against the


I loved that she actually screamed for Batman. I also loved the fact that he actually showed up even more.

Smirking triumphantly, I ran like my life depended on it.

Okay, stop smirking in situations that doesn't call for it. Especially life or death ones. ('Which it did, in fact.')

Edit
but I could clearly see the outline of a man


I mentally giggled.

She mentally giggled? Eh, how about she chuckled to herself or something?

Edit
Then I facepalmed myself.


I could have got a picture with him or something!

Oh man, I really love this. The funny aspects you put into this are probably my favorite parts. Should have gotten that Batman selfie.

"Light bulb!" I announced

Like, she has an idea? Again, I love it.

I was going to get captured by the Joker.

As I said, I love the humorous side you wrote into it and I hope you continue in that weird spirit. Otherwise, this is a terrible idea! :D

Alright, that's pretty much everything I can say about your first chapter. It's pretty good!

Really glad you seem to have already found your way around the site, doing lots of reviews and posting even more works. I'll try to keep up with this series as you submit them.

Keep it up!


Cheers
Birkhoff




Gingahcakes says...


Wow! This review made my day! You don't even understand how much you actually helped me. I am in awe right now. When I saw your review, I was like omg. Thank you so much. I really do mean it. The 'my man' part was meant to be 'the man'. Sorry, I type really fast and sometimes miss things when I edit. Thanks so much again and I hope you will continue reading this story when I put it up the rest of it! :D



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WillowPaw1 wrote a review...



Willow here to review!

Wow, what a plot.

I don't know much about batman — just enough that I know of Robin and the Joker.

I'm going to start with nitpicks.

He wore a black fedora , also

No spaces needed before the comma.

Then I face palmed myself.

I'm pretty sure facepalm is one word.

That's pretty much all I saw.

Okay, so yeah. I liked this, you introduced the story pretty good. And it's already got me hooked even if I practically know nothing about Batman.
I love how many varied sentences you have in here. In other words, you didn't start every sentence with "I" or "My" but you put the verb first. Nice job!

I already like this character Emily, and I'm glad you mentioned her name in the first chapter. It bugs me when people do that, even though I myself do it. XD

Overall, I thought this was pretty good!

Please write more! :)

Hope this helps~

WillowPaw1




Gingahcakes says...


thx so much! I'm glad you liked it! I typed in facepalm and it autocorrected it to that, so I thought it was supposed to be that way. I thought it was two separate words, too. Oh well. I'll update soon, but if you want, you can go on Wattpad and read up to chapter 15 there! The link is in my bio! :D I'm really glad you liked it though! Thx again!!



WillowPaw1 says...


No prob! Sorry, I don't have a wattpad account. :/



Gingahcakes says...


it's ok! you don't have to have an account! :D



WillowPaw1 says...


Okay :)



Gingahcakes says...


yay! Enjoy!



Gingahcakes says...


but I don't think u can comment or vote w/o an account. An account is free btw if u wanna get one!



WillowPaw1 says...


I know, I got one before, but then I deleted it...



Gingahcakes says...


oh ok....




Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi