Young Writers Society

Hey! Aley here for the second part of the exchange.

First I'd like to explain why I didn't review your other poem. I really didn't see much of a change aside from some minor edits that looked good, so I didn't have anything to say. You still had some punctuation errors that didn't work themselves in it that you should fix eventually.

Onto this poem.

Surprisingly I like how short it is. I don't really like the repetition because of how short it is, but I like the length. It makes the poem very concise. It's sort of like the dreams are that short, and that their lifetime is that short before they pop, which makes it good.

That being said I think you could do a little better with the structure of the poem. You don't have much of it at the moment although you have this refrain. I'd suggest that with your refrain you add stanzas so it looks a little more organized. The codes have been fixed on here now too so you can just paste this in a PM, copy it from there, and paste it into the work area in the publishing center.

That could also take care of things like your double period at the end of the last line.

Personally I love the images of your third lines. "colors of hazed out love" and "of fragile fragrance" work very nicely together. Fragile fragrance is a bit hard to picture, but it's still a wonderful image to have. "Waiting to be found" is a little weak in comparison, but "Poised on the tip of tomorrow" is right up there with your other lines.

I'd say those are your best lines. As it stands, I'm a bit confused with your punctuation. I'd suggest going over it again and either conforming to punctuation by sentence, or punctuation by breath and voice. As it stands now, it's not really dictated by the meter, the sentence, or the poem. You just have one comma and two periods that shouldn't be together in the first place. According to your capitalization, you need quite a few more periods. If you're writing these on a writers pad before you post them, you're probably running into problems when you copy over. I'd suggest reading over poems once or twice before you post so that you can catch where all the punctuation needs to be, or go to a non-capitalized style to work better with your technology.

-Aley

Hello, Subtle, here to review for the thingamajig!

All right, so my first thought about this is a big question. What are bubble dreams? I feel like bubble dreams can be defined as many things, and it is important that you give us your personal definition of these bubble dreams. Since they're the titular object of the poem, I think you should spare a little more time talking about these things.

I love the language in the second and third lines. Did you change where the line break was? You left "Of" capitalized. I think that it would work better with your original line break because I like the idea of "techno colors," and we don't get that idea as much when "colors" is on the next line.

While repetition is a poetic device, I think this poem is too short for it to work effectively. Perhaps in the lines you repeat "I live bubble dreams", you can instead define them for us by using different words to describe the bubble dreams.

I live bubble dreams
cocooned within a world

I would like to say: great, great poem. Very lyrical and has a nice swaying lilt quality in its rhythem. I wouldnt extenuate that, push it to the front. I noticed the lyrical tag and I would say it fits well!
"Fragile fragrance" is a fantastic phrase, but is a tad bit ambiguous. I think a sharper, more decisive phrase is possible from you.
Overall, great. Lovely rhythem and tone.

I love to dream, especially about things that you know can never be done. Dreams are an amazing thing to have, but can also be very, what's the word, terrible?


I love the very end of this poem "Waiting to be found.." It shows how your really feel about how certain people look at you.

I know that this review may not help very much, but I just wanted to let you know what I thought about your writing.

I believe you're an amazing writer, and never let anyone tell you any differently. I hope you don't quit writing anytime soon

~Sparkles

P.S. Nice job, it's amazing!!

I think this was a little cute.....

I found the word "of" capitalized in the middle of a part, and I'm not sure if it was purposefully or not, but I wanted to point it out. The title and the poem itself were cute- I really adore it.

Other than the capitalization error, it was awfully adorable. How did you come up with such a topic? That is what I want to know.

This cuteness is so addicting, I have to like it. And even if it wasn't this cute, I'd still like it. The length was nice, though if I HAD to change it, I'd make it longer.

I really want you to make more poems, cause so far, this one is doing well. In fact, this poem could actually inspire me to make some poems myself.

~ Sunset101

Yoo, here to review.

This was cute as can be. It made me feel warm inside, and reminded me of some of my own dreams of solitude from the rest of the world.

This was a very short, but still very pretty poem that I enjoyed reading.

The only 'flaw' I found was the capital 'o' in the third row, otherwise I found nothing wrong in the grammar.

It's short, beautiful and melodious. Wanted to review it, but found it flawless