Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Roger Brown,
what a top bloke,
Roger Brown,
you can smell him under your nose.
He often hangs about,
Lingers around,
Like a bad smell.
But he’s all good Roger,
of a log-head,
But he’s all good.
Rog, what a legend,
not into health, but he's something,
my word.
He comes out strong,
What a beast,
He comes in a range of sizes,
petite,
or fuckin big.
he's just a full blown bloke,
You know,
Booze,
Burgers,
treats, the lot,
he's a real slob that Roger.
He knows how to leave things on a high,
a chunky guy,
always has a way to squeeze through thick and thin.
Bloody Roger,
Good bloke.
Roger, that lad,
push,
Splash,
Oh, he's gone.
Flush that turd down.
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Also am curious as to a better way to have the repetition in the beginning without crowding or overshadowing the more brilliant parts. Probably would syncopate those four lines into 3, even two, possibly, and maybe replace one with a more lengthy line--itll make brevity pop.
I also would like a harsher sentiment to precede the more 'passive aggressive' "push, splash, oh, he's gone." (Great end by the way, truly) I do rather fancy the disinterested tone of the concluding lines, if that was the bullseye. Otherwise i would agree with below, that the conclusion should flow as a more excitedly active section.
Thats it for the minor flaws and peccadillos!
Great overall! Thanks!
Hello!
Okay so just so you know, I've placed an 18+ rating on this for the f-bomb. ^^
Modness aside, let's focus on your poem.
Not too sure on the repetition here. I think you could do better with two lines: one that states his name and one that encourages the reader to remember it, instead of four lines that basically echo each other and become tedious.
The same here. Repetition is boring. Don't do it.
Speaking of repetition, you do say his name a lot. Why not just use third person pronouns, like "he"? I think it would help the flow, but that's all up to you.
I'm the type of person that hates one or two-worded lines, so I suggest you consider combining these. Also, make the "oh" more exciting! The narrator does not sound surprised as they should be, they sound sooo boooored. I don't want to read this in a bored tone, so make this more exciting and give it a couple exclamation marks!!
Overall, I'm a bit disappointed with the ending? And how it didn't make sense? The splash makes me think that he fell into a pond or something? Or did he drown? Or something else? Clear it up!
It was interesting, though, with this Roger and all of the words and details to describe him, so that's good x) I think you could've done better with imagery, but this is still good, so overall, nice work!
Hope this helps~
Ok, I think you have misinterpreted the meaning of the poem. I have corrected it as suggested, but go back and read it if you like, things might be a little clearer.
I liked this. The way it slowly got shorter every line signified how it all went by so fast. I also enjoyed the English slang words that mixed in with the poem.
This might sound weird but I would love to hear this being sung by someone while playing a acoustic guitar
Keep up the good work!