All for one and one for all
What does that mean any more
We see people in need
Yet we turn our backs on each other
We are all in this together
Yet there is no we in this life
Only me
Me
ME
Looking out for number one
Because if we don’t who will
One thing wrong with that
If we are looking out for ourselves
Who is looking out for our loved ones
Nobody
Then this game of I win
Becomes a game of everybody loses
Thats not how it is supposed to be
We need to reach out next to us
Grab our neighbor by the hand
And pick
Them
UP
We won’t be helping ourselves
But we will be helping the outcasts
The person down the street whose name escapes you
The old lady next door
Then and only then will we truly win
One rise all fly
Two fall save them all
Three lost find them at all cost
This is what we do
This is our mission
We save and protect each other
Even to the point of exhaustion
But it's ok
Someone is there to pick you up
All for one and one for all
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Messenger to review for you on this gloriously exciting Review Day!
I'd suggest putting 'we' in quotation marks.And also there are a few other lines you have like that that I think you should put in quotation marks, for clarification. A few lines confused me and I had to re-read them.
Now as for the moral of the story? I looooove it! I definitely am with you on this fact. We need to be helping others and be less selfish. (Oh, and this is a nice tribute to the Three Musketeers) I would like to tell you which lines I liked the best, but to be honest there are too many. I do have another suggestion though. Try adding punctuation. I know it isn't a poetry, but I think in this poem it would help. I really did have some trouble reading all the lines right with not commas or periods.
Besides that though I really liked it. It was an uplifting poem which I always like to read, especially since sometimes it feels like most poetry is sad and depressive. This wasn't! And you made some very valid points for why people generally aren't as helpyish. (thhat is totally a word:P )
~Messenger
Hello! I've come to save you from the green room's clutches.
I love the message of this! It's the perfect rally cry for a better world. I could actually really imagine this on some video encouraging people to be nicer, set to really inspiring music.
I think this is technically very good. You didn't have punctuation, but you kept that consistent. You brought back themes you spoke of earlier. You stuck to the main point and didn't wander. I'm not sure the lack of punctuation did anything to help your poem, but it didn't take away much either.
I couldn't really find much wrong at all with this poem. The only things I wasn't too sure about were the lines:
I'm just not sure they fit with the rest of the poem, and I had to read the "one" line a few times before giving up on what it meant. I'm still not sure what it means.
But really, I love everything else!
I especially like the part where you talking about how people make life a game. You're right, it shouldn't be like that. People take things so competitively. I especially like how you brought it back later and say that "we win" with special emphasis on /all/ of us winning. Because you're right. We're all on the same team after all.
Thank you for writing this wonderful piece and sharing your insight.
Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis
The feeling of this poem is nice. I like how you incorporate rhyming at some points of the poem and I also like the different types of metaphors you add in.
Sometimes it gets a bit 'ramble-y' per say so I would look at some unnecessary parts before you hand this in to your teacher.
Some lines are very nice and poetic and really match the feel of this poem like;
'We are all in this together.
Yet there is no we in this life'
And other parts could be modified to be shorter like;
'we save and protect each other to the point of exhaustion'
but otherwise, this is a very nice poem and I'm sure that other people will definitely be able to understand what your trying to get at.
7/10 stars from me! Keep up the good work!
Thank you for the review. It was one of my first poems. I did change a few things and I would like it if you looked at it. Once again thank you for reviewing.
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you get a chance to post more stuff outside of school, because this is pretty good!
The only problem is your punctuation. Most of your poem isn't punctuated, which is fine! But if you're not going to have punctuation, you need to keep it consistent. My suggestion is to either take out what little punctuation you have at the end of lines, or go through and add in everything you need--which is a lot.
If you go for the lack of punctuation approach, then that's all the nitpicks I have except that "its," needs an apostrophe.
So this is okay. If you're turning it in for school, you might want to consider taking out the third- and second-to-last lines: "but its okay / someone is there to pick you up," because they seem a little out of place. You've already reassured your reader; you don't need to tell them "but it's okay."
It's a little long and rambling. You might want to consider taking out the unnecessary stuff, lines that are just fluff or just there to rhyme. I want you to convey what you mean as beautifully as possible, using the fewest words you can. Granted, most poems are pretty long, but usually they're more complex; we're just amateurs, so I'd suggest keeping it short and sweet until you get better at poetry.
Overall, I'd say this is good. I'll give you seven stars of ten. Good job!
Thank you for the review. It was one of my first poems. I did change a few things and I would like it if you looked at it. Once again thank you for reviewing.