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Young Writers Society


16+ Mature Content

The Girl

by Gravity


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who loved her computer because nobody at school loved her. A girl who enjoyed talking to others online because nobody wanted to talk to her in real life.

Once upon a time there was a girl who was broken. A girl who was in her early teenage years, who had grown up without a father. This girl had acne and kids at school called her fat. This girl cried herself to sleep and read books to escape the world. But as she read more, she just grew smarter. And as she grew smarter, the kids teased her more for being a nerd and for not having a life. She didn't have a life because nobody thought to ask her about what went on beneath the surface.

This girl wasn't shy in class. Always answering questions, always getting answers right. She was known as the "know it all". But she wasn't. She wasn't sporty, she wasn't pretty. She certainly wasn't recognized for any talents. She was smart because she did what she did best and that was read and write.

As the girl grew increasingly more attached to her fantasy, to her books and to her computer, she got an email from a man. An older man in his fifties. She fought his contact, even blocked him once or twice. But he was a man. Someone who didn't judge her. Someone who gave her the attention she so desperately needed. This man broke down her walls and saw the most vulnerable part of her.

And he took advantage of it.

Months passed and the girl said nothing to her parents. At dinner she was even more quiet than usual. She isolated the few friends she had because all she wanted to do was talk to Him. As she became more exposed to the man, he began to ask for online sexual things. And she fought it. But she was weak. She felt she owed it to him after he had listened to her. She didn't want to disappoint him and she wanted that attention that no father had ever given her. She wanted to feel beautiful because never in her life had any of her peers made her feel welcome or wanted. They made her feel excluded and left out. They made her feel ugly. He was the only person aside from her parents and the few friends that wanted her. But she was unknowingly pushing away her friends, so even they stopped wanting her after a time.

Then she got caught. The girl's mother looked at her as if she didn't know her. Her stepfather was disappointed in her. She saw a therapist and was interrogated by officials who wanted to punish the only person she thought she had gotten affection from. Then she realized how serious everything was that had happened. And she hated herself.

The girl began to scrape. She used keys and pencils on her wrists, not daring to draw blood. She didn't want to leave scars. But she craved the punishment. She hated her body and she felt she deserved to be punished. As her mom found out, she was sent to her therapist again. Her mom threatened to throw her in a mental hospital. This girl didn't need a threat, she needed her mother.

Her parents got to know her again, and she made more friends. But even as she smiled, the smile never reached her eyes. She still knew something was missing. And she found a boy who saw all of this pain inside of her. But this boy had a girlfriend, and soon tossed her aside as she grew more attached.

So this girl, hurt and vulnerable, is now looking at herself in the mirror. She is thinking of how her mind was raped and her walls were ripped down by a man who wanted entertainment. She is thinking about how she isn't good enough and how she has to study so many extra hours to make her family proud of her. And this girl is practicing her smile so that nobody can see through her just to rip her apart.

Once upon a time there was a girl who looked in the mirror and never liked what she saw. I know her story well because I know her better than anybody else. That girl is me.


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33 Reviews


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Sat Nov 21, 2015 8:40 pm
xv0nillaWriterx wrote a review...



Wow I love your story it is neat and nice. I also like the way you put emotions and feelings inside and it makes a great flow. But i don't get about the men part, like the part when she met the men and that. Did the men ruin her life more or her life change? Also in the last paragraph, "Once upon a time there was a girl who looked in the mirror and never liked what she saw. I know her story well because I know her better than anybody else." This is really nice and it catch me. Then i read the last part: "That girl is me." When i read that part i was like WOW, i never notice that. So it like a surprise in the end. And what this means: "But she craved the punishment." So i love your story and keep writing stories like this. And HAPPY WRITING!!!!




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Sun Feb 01, 2015 9:43 pm
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XPresidentTurtlesX wrote a review...



This sparked a lot of emotion in me. I know there are people like this out in the world who are teased and threatened and then do horrible things to themselves, and just start to hate themselves even more. It's really sad that disasters like this happen all the time. I wish there were more people who would take the time to accept that this stuff happens and then go out there and do something, but usually people ignore it and pretend like this stuff doesn't happen. Meanwhile, some people realize it happens but don't do a thing about it. There's also the people who inflict the damage. All together, it's just really troubling that the world has turned to this and I love the fact that you decided to write about this instead of writing something that makes everything seem wonderful and delightful. This is the second piece I've read by you and I love the fact you write about stuff like this, I just hope that you don't feel as depressed as it seems like you do.
~Prez. T




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Wed Apr 16, 2014 2:27 pm
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kateyperry89 says...



i loved this story i think it was very very good and excellent you have good talent keep writing




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Mon Apr 14, 2014 6:39 am
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DrFeelGood says...



Amazing! You evoked lot of emotions without any melodrama! Great story!






Thanks :)



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Thu Apr 10, 2014 5:53 pm
LittleMissMegara wrote a review...



Hey!

So, I have to disagree with the reviewers below me. This was good, don't get me wrong. I can appreciate the emotion you put into it (even though I didn't feel that emotion, myself), and the realism. There weren't too many mistakes on the technical side, so I can see you took time to edit it. I do think it has moments of great writing, too. But I have some issues with it.

Firstly, the style it's written. I get you wrote it in this style on purpose, but... I don't think it worked well at all. It's too robotic, too stiff. That's one of the things that stopped me from relating to the girl and sympathizing with her.

You go through these moments of her life in a dull fashion, summing them up and telling us why we should feel sorry for her, but not showing us why. Yes, there was some nice imagery and all that, but when it boils down to it, it felt more like I was reading a textbook on this girl's life instead of a short story.

You also overuse the word "then." You start many sentences with it and then repeat the word a bit further down in the same paragraph. Example:

Then she got caught. The girl's mother looked at her as if she didn't know her. Her stepfather was disappointed in her. She saw a therapist and was interrogated by officials who wanted to punish the only person she thought she had gotten affection from. Then she realized how serious everything was that had happened.


See what I mean?

Also, a lot happens to the girl. I don't know if this is based on a true story or not, but to me, it started to feel a bit... unrealistic. Certainly everything that happened to her could happen to regular people, but most of those people don't have all that stuff happen to them. One person might get tangled up with an online predator; another might get rejected by the boy she pines for; another might be bullied and cut herself. But all of these things? To the same person? Hmm.

The last line's kind of cheesy, too:

Once upon a time there was a girl who looked in the mirror and never liked what she saw. I know her story well because I know her better than anybody else. That girl is me.


In fact, most of the piece had this feeling of cliché written all over it. This isn't a horrible thing—even the best writing isn't totally original—but I would've liked it if you maybe stayed away from using too many clichéd lines (like "that girl is me").

There's also lots and lots you can cut. Like:

And she found a boy who saw all of this pain inside of her. But this boy had a girlfriend, and soon tossed her aside as she grew more attached.


An editor would pretty quickly remove that bit, as it has no real effect on the overall story, you don't go into any detail about this boy/what he meant to her/the pain of being discarded for someone else, and it really only serves as a way to make us feel more sorry for the girl. Around this point, the story just starts to feel overly sad and dramatized. Similar to a soap opera.

This girl you write about is an interesting character, and her story—with a good deal of polish—could be interesting to read about. But it needs some work, like most stories. I think if you wrote a second draft, the improved version would be much better.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I'm just trying to be honest. I do think, as I said, that this has promise. With a little work, it'll make for a great and touching story. :)

Keep writing.




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Thu Apr 10, 2014 8:16 am
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Legibletext wrote a review...



This is so heartbreaking, and evoked a lot of emotion from me. I honestly wanted to cry and hold my Teddy Bear in my arms haha. You really have a knack for writing emotional stories like this, as the story was thoroughly engaging. However, there is one point I dare to raise, that slightly bothered me; The fact that the girl was apparently ugly, smart, fat and had acne. Ok, so that seems a bit typical of a teenage tale, and frankly a bit old. Really, when you think about it, no one is ugly, everyone has flaws and positives about them that somehow makes them somewhat attractive in some ways. So writing about the girl being bullied for ugliness is almost reinforcing the idea that ugly kids get bullied, which is not always so true. Then again, I'm older now and live in a different world to you, so I may be wrong. But anyway, if this was actually you then that is awkward and I should shut my mouth. Also, if you really are this girl, don't fret because after high school you'll probably find that people will find you beautiful, and your life will get much better. :)




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Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:31 am
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deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi Gravity!

WOW. I agree with everything Iggy said. This was really captivating, I must say. Very realistic, too (which isn't surprising if it's actually based on a true story - something I'm left to believe by the "that girl is me" at the end...?).

It was packed with emotion, sad and heartbreaking and all that without coming off cheesy or unbelievable. Nothing like this has ever happened to me, yet I was able to relate to the narrator nonetheless and feel her pain.

The matter-of-fact way in which it is told is perfect for a piece like this, and fits it remarkably well. It was sort of mesmerizing, like I couldn't stop reading, I was so hypnotized. Tragic and realistic and a breath of fresh air (I haven't seen anything else like this on this site).

Choice of wording, excellent. Imagery, excellent. Narrative, excellent. Argh, it was just amazing. <33

I feel bad to nitpick, but...

Her step father


I believe "stepfather" is one word.

threatened to throw her in a metal hospital.


Should be "mental."

That's all I have, two silly little typos. On a whole, this was fantastic, and darn near flawless. The tragic realism, the aching sense of innocence loss and heartbreak and everything... oh, it was just so good. So sad, too.

If this is really a true story, then you get a huge hug from me. *hugs*

Keep up the great work. ^_^






Thanks Lu, :)



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Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:12 am
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lovebird wrote a review...



Wow, this is a very powerful and very engaging story. It almost made me cry. Your way with words and how you manage to capture all the hurt and the pain with words is truly great. It is very sad to hear that bullying and discrimination is still going on even though no one talks about it out loud and sometimes its almost to late to do anything about it. But it truly great how you told the story from the girls side, through her eyes and through her mind. And I am not sure if this is your true story but even if it isn't, know that the world will hate and will try and destroy you but you just like any other person matter, you have a life, you have existence no less than any other person. People forget to realize the amount of power they have to change everything. As long as you know ( within you) that everything will pass and it WILL get better, believe in yourself that it will change and you have the power to change it...it will give you a completely different perspective in life and makes you stronger.

Sorry to babble on, but great work!!




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Mon Apr 07, 2014 3:12 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey defyingravity! :)

First off, we'll get a nitpick fixed:

A girl who enjoyed talking to others online because nobody wanted to talk to her.


I think you meant to end this sentence with "in real life" because otherwise the sentence would contradict itself.


Okay, so wow. Wow. This was pretty deep.

I've just gotta say: You wrote this with so much emotion. And since you say it was about you, I expected it to be a bit self-absorbed or something that would evoke pity out of me. But no. You didn't shy away from the details, but you also didn't over-exaggerate. You brought not sympathy from me, but empathy as well. I connected to this. I wanted to take the narrator and protect her and place her somewhere where she can't be hurt. I want to take her pain away.

I love how beautifully this was written. It was filled with so much emotion. You brought a lot of details into light and you explained them without over-fluffing it. Simple imagery was used, and your word play was just amazing. You helped me envision and understand all that happened. The flow was clear and the pacing was steady.

Overall, this was written very nicely. I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing. I hope things get better and I am here if you need me.





"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi