Once upon a time there was a girl. A girl who loved her computer because nobody at school loved her. A girl who enjoyed talking to others online because nobody wanted to talk to her in real life.
Once upon a time there was a girl who was broken. A girl who was in her early teenage years, who had grown up without a father. This girl had acne and kids at school called her fat. This girl cried herself to sleep and read books to escape the world. But as she read more, she just grew smarter. And as she grew smarter, the kids teased her more for being a nerd and for not having a life. She didn't have a life because nobody thought to ask her about what went on beneath the surface.
This girl wasn't shy in class. Always answering questions, always getting answers right. She was known as the "know it all". But she wasn't. She wasn't sporty, she wasn't pretty. She certainly wasn't recognized for any talents. She was smart because she did what she did best and that was read and write.
As the girl grew increasingly more attached to her fantasy, to her books and to her computer, she got an email from a man. An older man in his fifties. She fought his contact, even blocked him once or twice. But he was a man. Someone who didn't judge her. Someone who gave her the attention she so desperately needed. This man broke down her walls and saw the most vulnerable part of her.
And he took advantage of it.
Months passed and the girl said nothing to her parents. At dinner she was even more quiet than usual. She isolated the few friends she had because all she wanted to do was talk to Him. As she became more exposed to the man, he began to ask for online sexual things. And she fought it. But she was weak. She felt she owed it to him after he had listened to her. She didn't want to disappoint him and she wanted that attention that no father had ever given her. She wanted to feel beautiful because never in her life had any of her peers made her feel welcome or wanted. They made her feel excluded and left out. They made her feel ugly. He was the only person aside from her parents and the few friends that wanted her. But she was unknowingly pushing away her friends, so even they stopped wanting her after a time.
Then she got caught. The girl's mother looked at her as if she didn't know her. Her stepfather was disappointed in her. She saw a therapist and was interrogated by officials who wanted to punish the only person she thought she had gotten affection from. Then she realized how serious everything was that had happened. And she hated herself.
The girl began to scrape. She used keys and pencils on her wrists, not daring to draw blood. She didn't want to leave scars. But she craved the punishment. She hated her body and she felt she deserved to be punished. As her mom found out, she was sent to her therapist again. Her mom threatened to throw her in a mental hospital. This girl didn't need a threat, she needed her mother.
Her parents got to know her again, and she made more friends. But even as she smiled, the smile never reached her eyes. She still knew something was missing. And she found a boy who saw all of this pain inside of her. But this boy had a girlfriend, and soon tossed her aside as she grew more attached.
So this girl, hurt and vulnerable, is now looking at herself in the mirror. She is thinking of how her mind was raped and her walls were ripped down by a man who wanted entertainment. She is thinking about how she isn't good enough and how she has to study so many extra hours to make her family proud of her. And this girl is practicing her smile so that nobody can see through her just to rip her apart.
Once upon a time there was a girl who looked in the mirror and never liked what she saw. I know her story well because I know her better than anybody else. That girl is me.
Points: 1043
Reviews: 33
Donate