Young Writers Society

Utopia Dreamworld here,
I really like how you portray the masks; as armor for protection against pain or emotion, as something unique that defines who you are or to cover up your mishaps.
'I took it off for she''
I know you did this for the rhyme but you could also use it for something else. You could actually label the girl as 'she'. For instance:

I took it off once,
I took it off for she.
I revealed my true self
But she's mask remained to be. (This way, instead of 'she' being a pronoun it is a noun which is the name for the girl. It also fits well with the next stanza)

'I revealed my true self
But her mask remained to be.'
I don't really get this, I don't know if it's just me. By her mask remained to be, do you mean he revealed himself but she didn't do the same? Just wondering. But I really did love your emotion and I believe each poem is a short story and I loved the one behind yours.
Utopia Paradise, signing out.

Ok, yellow there!
First off, I really liked the way you called her "she." I don't know whether you actually meant this to be a literary reference to the novel "She", the She who must be obeyed, but if it is I take my hat off to you.
As my criticism, I must say you really need to stanzify this. Making up new words is fun. Anyway it helps rhythm, comprehension and general readability. Finally in the line "I'll never take it off--", wouldn't a comma work better don't you think? Just a thought.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Few nitpicks:

''I took it off for she. (I can understand that rhymes are in play but using ''she'' isn't to emotionally satisfying, ''her'' would have been better but I guess you chose ''she'' for rhyming purposes)

I revealed my true self

But her mask remained to be.''

Also, you really should think about breaking the poem into verses. It will make it easier for readers to understand better the interplay of your words and their meaning to the general message of the poem.

Overall, this as a good poem with a fantastic subject matter. It expresses a common truth that occurs on an everyday basis but with poetic feel. I enjoyed reading it.

Tend your flame...

Let me start off by saying, before you read this, know that I don't mean to hurt or offend you, and I don't want to make you feel bad or put you down. I only want to give you tips and encourage you.
This poem had both good and bad things, as every work of writing does. Remember again that I'm not meaning to hurt you.
The bad things:
Some sentences didn't seem to fit. It was like jamming pieces of a puzzle into the wrong place. Sentences like, "I took it off for she," and, "to cover up their mishaps" just didn't work for some reason. I don't know if it's just me, but...Oh well. You made it work. I guess that was the only problem I had with it, which is good.
The good things:
I LOVE this poem. It's really meaningful, the way you talked about these "masks" we all wear and how we only take them off for certain people (and how they choose to destroy our souls because of it). You must have put so much thought into this when you chose to go out there and write this. Well, maybe not, but still, it was an amazing work of writing.
I liked some sentences/phrases, the structure of them was very fitting to the metaphor and added a lot to the poem. Also, I liked the way you took words that others would call "amateur" and fit them into this poem, making them into something so beautiful, meaningful. Awesome.
Overall, you did an AMAZING job, despite the little things

Hello Catcha01 here with a review!

First of all I love this poem because it is so relatable. I know the feeling of wearing a mask for protection and feel that your poem amplifies the struggles and risks with taking it off.

Now I will stop droning on about my mask and review you poem.

First off, good job with grammar and mechanics. The piece flowed nicely throughout and was easy to read.

My only suggestion is in one of your rhymes she and be. I think that she disrupts this flow in a way and could be changed. You don't need to change it if you don't want to, but it may be a good idea.
Perhaps instead of:

I took it off for she.

I revealed my true self

But her mask remained to be.

Hello, Aley here.

I think this poem has some potential. You're talking about an issue that a lot of people deal with in their lives, regardless of the heartbreak. A lot of people try to say that they don't wear a mask, that they don't put up a facade but we have clear proof that everyone, especially when dealing with superiors, avoids showing their personality in order to conform with society. On top of that, people change masks depending on where they are. This is where I start explaining where the poem could use some improvement.

While your metaphor is pretty common, you're missing that key part I was saying earlier, changing masks. This is something that needs to go with a mask poem, especially if the poem is going to be dealing with things like heart-break and cracks. It's a complex issue, and personally I think you're dealing with too much in one poem. Either deal with the fact that everyone has masks, or how masks affect a romance, or how a romance can end because of masks.

I'd also like to say that you should use more creative language in this poem. You're keeping it pretty tight to the vest with one metaphor that you don't show us, but tell us about. You don't give us something tangible to see when you're talking about these masks. If you wanted to give us something better, then talk about what color it was, shape, size, different symbols on it. Tell us what her's was like too! You've told us all masks are unique, but you haven't given us a single example of how. The most we get for physical things in this poem is after she 'steals your narrator's soul' [I'd love to know how that played out after the mask came off. Are people just balls balancing behind a mask that other people can take if they can trip someone up into taking it off?] when she tosses it on the rocks, box, yeah, common rhyme, nothing too interesting. Where did she put the box? How did the narrator get out? Is he going after it?

Lets tease out some new visual things for this mask metaphor. I'd suggest you drop the rhyme scheme too. I think there are two super explanations as to why. This poem reads much too childishly with it for the serious discussion about heart-break, and facade. It just doesn't fit together with the fact that this person is getting their lives stolen from them. The second reason is because rhyming hinders your choice of words and creates a very surface poem instead of letting you delve into a search for interesting imagery, alliteration, and so on. If you cut out the rhyming all together, or just do internal rhyme, you can add it when it works, and keep it out when it doesn't instead of getting stuck with "I took it off for she./I revealed my true self/But her mask remained to be." this type of thing where be and she both don't really fit their sentences.

Overall, I'd like to see you work with one part of this poem, and write it out differently. Try to show us the even that's going on with more physical language, and clear explanations about what is going on.