Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Hey guys. So this is my first chapter of my novel for Tenyo's Last Man Standing contest. Enjoy!
Chapter One
The forest was old and dark, draped in shadows caused by the fading sunlight. Devon was unsure of it. The place had a foreboding air, and he could've sworn he saw something move. He hoped it wasn't anything nasty. Hopefully, it wasn't hungry, whatever it was. He'd come too far to turn back now. Besides he was still angry and the rejection still stung. How could he not have known? Devon had the same magicial abilities as that bastard! How could the man not see that? After all, he'd shown him that, too. He could still remember what he'd done, still see the poor kid's face when Devon took his magic.
He wasn't sorry for Brynn, though. It was better that way. Hopefully the lack of magic in the child would make Daeron turn his attention to another. Brynn's father hadn't been impressed. Devon could see him still, standing beside the throne with his arms crossed and a dark look on his face. Whatever reason the man had for being angry, Devon was sure it wasn't all his fault. He hadn't meant to keep the boy's magic; he'd tried to give it back, but it wouldn't budge. The magic had refused to leave. No wonder Brynn was crying. Devon thought he'd borrowed it, but now he knew. All those times before...
No, it wasn't the time, and those were not things to be thinking of now. He was almost there, almost into the forest that covered the border between Belasi and Verlisia. He could have headed for Havarti, but that was under Belasi's control, and he would have been found. No, his only hope was to flee to the enemy and hope they showed him mercy. He knew the magic he did was frowned upon in Verlisia. But really, what choice did he have? He could be hunted down if he ever let them know--or worse. All because his mother confessed to something on her deathbed less than a year ago.
Why had she told him that anyway? What was she trying to tell him? That he was supposed to usurp his own father? Ridiculous! Wouldn't the bastard want to know he had a child, and that his line would continue, along with his family's rule? Devon might not ever know.
Regardless, he was at the border. And the forest was a little intimidating. After over a week of running and hiding, of stealing horses and borrowing food, he was finally there. Or, well, almost. He just had one last obstacle in his way. The Runewood. It was the oldest forest in any of the kingdoms, stretching on for miles and miles. It wasn't that thick here, and it was probably the only thing stopping Daeron the Conquerer from marching an army on Verlisia. At least, it was on this front. Devon knew there was an army further south, though they hadn't moved camp at all in over a week.
He hoped they didn't decide to send a scouting party his way--or worse, a large patrol. That would be bad--or could be. Devon wasn't sure anymore. He just hoped there weren't any soldiers headed his way. He was sure they knew about him by now, and probably had orders to drag him back to the palace, kicking and screaming. Oh, gods. Devon hoped they didn't. It would not be a pretty thing. Besides, he was a prince, wasn't he? Or at least, an illegitimate heir. Unless his mother had been lying, but why would she lie on her deathbed? He sure hoped she hadn't been lying. Gods, that'd be embarrassing.
Devon crouched by the nearest tree and peered into the deepening shadows. The path was well used, as far as he could tell, and there didn't seem to be anything to trip over or fall into. He probably wouldn't encounter any traps or snares, but he'd best be careful regardless. The forest wasn't likely to be nice to him. He'd heard tales about the Runewood. There were so many of them. The most frequent ones were that the forest seemed to be alive, even acted like it was sometimes--things moved in the Runewood, trees appeared where there hadn't been any before, so disappeared. The one Devon heard most often was that the forest seemed to be watching you, always. It knew things, and sometimes reacted to them. Only fools would assume the rumour false and be unafraid to enter it. Fools or crazy people. He didn't know which group he came under right now. Fool or crazy? Or maybe just desperate.
Either way, Devon hoped the forest would let him pass through unharmed. Well, mostly unharmed, anyway. He'd need to leave something for it if he was planning on heading into the Runewood. The forest demanded respect and an offering. He had nothing to offer it. Yet. So he hoped he could find something while he was there.
Suddenly, there was a sharp crack from somewhere behind and to his left. Devon tensed up and glanced over his shoulder. He couldn't see anything yet. This area of land was part of the Runewood, but it wasn't very thick yet. Plus the grass was tall and the brush was fairly high in these parts. He briefly considered the soldiers camped south of him, and very nearly panicked. They weren't out on patrol, were they? Hopefully, not yet. Devon doubted that they weren't, though. He'd have to move, and soon.
Just as he was about to turn back, something moved. Devon titled his head slighty to try and get a better look. There was more movement, and Devon realised it was a horse's head. Not the horse he'd stolen from a small town a few days ago, but a different one. His horse was a dull red-brown. This one was been white. Another movement and Devon caught a glimpse of Belasi's colours; dull bronze and deep purple. They were highlighted by the glow of a torch. He was in the trouble. The soldiers were making a partol.
Devon cursed his luck under his breath and shuffled around the tree. Hopefully, he was now out of sight of the scout on horseback. He wasn't exactly inconspicuos, was he? Not in his servant clothing of white and bronze. Even though it was dirty, it still stood out more than the dull brown hunting gear he'd seen in some of the towns he had passed through. He should have stolen something else to wear days ago. They obviously knew what he looked like and what he'd been wearing last. For them to find a palace servant so close to the border? What would they think of him? Nothing good. He was sure of that. He'd best get moving before the scout got any closer or saw him.
The bay he'd stolen whinnied, causing the scout's horse to toss it's head and whinny back. Devon cursed in his head a little more and shuffled back towards the border, and the Runewood. He heard the scout call out something--probablya warning to the main patrol. The man was talking about his horse. There was some more noise--the scout's horse moving through the brush--and then a light thump. That told him that the scout had dismounted. Probably to look at the horse. Devon took the distraction as an opportunity and shuffled back towards the Runewood.
He had just made it into the darker section of forest when he scout finally reached the bay and caught hold of the horse's reins. The torch only lit up a small area of forest, so Devon could see it clearly. The scout had a slight frown on his face as he looked over the horse, petting its neck and speaking softly to it. Well, at least they hadn't seen him. In the half hour he'd been debating with himself and then sneaking away from soldiers, night had fallen. It made the shadows in the forest dark, and therefore made Devon harder to see. He moved further into the forest and slid behind a tree, peering out at the ring of torchlight.
Another soldier had joined the scout. They were talking in low voices and Devon couldn't make out the words, but he was sure they were discussing him. This was not good. He had to keep moving. He shouldn't linger, shouldn't wait too much longer, but he couldn't help it. Devon had to know if they were going to move on or stay.
The scout lowered his torch as the other soldier turned away and shouted, "Make camp!" into the darkness. Several more soldier appeared out of the shadowy forest, both on horseback and on foot. Devon counted twenty overall, including the scout and the soldier with him. That soldier seemed to be the patrol's captain. Some of the me on horseback disappeared into the night while others dismounted and began to set out tents. One of the soldiers on foot set about collecting wood while the others began to set up camp, putting up tents and pegging out a line for their horses.
Devon ducked back behind the tree and tipped his head back against the bark. He stared up at the forest canopy, catching a glimpse of stars and darkness beyond the branches. Soldiers making camp there probably wasn't a good thing, but at least they hadn't seen him. Not yet, anyway. There was still a chance they could. He had to get moving already.
He pushed off the tree and carefully picked his way onto the path. He must have walked for hours and gone several miles in the dark when he saw a flickering light up ahead. Devon squinted at it. The flickering light appeared to be a small camp fire. There were no tents near it that he could see, and no one was sitting right beside it, either. There was what looked like a small wild boar roasting on a spit above the flames. It was only when he saw the boar that Devon realised how hungry he was. He must not have eaten anything at all in the last few days, and now the smell of roasting pork was too tempting to pass up.
After making sure there really wasn't anyone in the camp, Devon snuck towards it. He only tripped up on a rock or branch a couple of times, so he made it to the circle of firelight pretty much unscathed. He glanced back over his shoulder once to make sure there wasn't anyone behind him, and when he turned back, he bumped into something. Something warm and solid, but not rock hard. Devon blinked at the dark green obscuring his vision, then dragged his gaze upwards a few inches. A young man peered back at him, grey-green eyes narrowed.
Devon swallowed. The young man's eyes widened slightly as they stared at each other. Whoever this guy was, he was attractive. And probably no one good. At least he wasn't from Belasi--after all, he wasn't wearing their colours. Devon supposed he should be thankful for that small glimmer of hope. As it was, he had a feeling he was in a lot of trouble.
The moment seemed to stretch on for ages, though it had to have only been a few minutes. Devon wasn't sure how to react to this guy. They were about the same height, though the stranger looked younger than him. He seemed well-prepared, though, for whatever he did. Devon took an uncertain step back just as someone snorted somewhere off behind and to his right.
"What 'ave we got 'ere?"
Devon spun round, gaping at the large, burly man standing behind him. This man was older than him and taller, too. Scars criss-crossed his arms and one stood out over his left eye and down that cheek. He opened his mouth to say something, but the handsome stranger cut him off.
"I'd say we have a lost little lamb, wouldn't you?"
"I'm not a lamb!" he protested, sparing the younger stranger a glower. "My name is Devon and I am a prince of Belasi!"
"Looks like a runaway slave to me," the burly man grunted, tugging on one of Devon's earrings. They were bronze and stamped with the Belasi royal seal. All servants at the palace wore them. "What do you say, Kaj?"
"Looks like it," the young man agreed. Devon shifted slighty, eyes darting between them. The young man was still staring at him while the burly man was eyeing him off. He didn't like the big man's gaze on him. Not at all. He turned his browns eyes on the other man.
"I told you," Devon said meekly, "I'm a prince of Belasi."
"Belasi has no prince," the young man--Kaj--said, dragging his gaze off him. Those grey-green eyes darted behind him, and Devon felt the burly man move. Something came down on his head with a sickening thud. Everything began to blurr and his vision darkened at the edges. The bastard had hit him over the head! Devon felt himself begin to fall, but he never felt himself hit the ground.
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Hey Scar! Silver here to finally review my adopted novel
(Sorry it took so long :/ )

Anyways so I'll go through the main things as I read and then give a little summary of my thoughts at the end.
Main Points
Okay, so first thing I noticed straight after you lovely description of the forest was: So many names! Eek I'm confused already 0.0 I feel you're trying to introduce too many things here. I love the fact that you've injected some intrigue into this almost straight away, with all the talk of magic and all, but as I'm trying to get my head around it there's suddenly a whole heap of other names thrown at me which I have to try to place and remember. I would say tone it down a bit. Dilute it a little, have Devon stroll a little more throughout the woods or ponder a little more on him and the “bastard” having the same message before throwing about 5 names at the reader
I loved the preceding sentences about the rejection, it was a great way to get the reader involved and thinking. I also liked the sentences after this. Devon took the kid's magic? Like what? A great insertion of intrigue. I just felt that the sentences in quotes were a little too vague. It's a little difficult to cope with especially since this is the very beginning of the story and there's so much we don't know, so much intrigue, so many new names, those sentences were just a little difficult to keep up with.
I loved this entire paragraph! I love how it hints at a previous back story.
I like the way you've introduced the countries and the geography of your world. It was eased in nicely and fit in well with the story line.
Random question here: Is Daeron, Brynn's dad? So Dearon is a king/emperor kind of thing? Which means Brynn is a prince? Woah, Devon must be in deeps.
Also more great additions to your world building
Aha, so Daeron is the “bastard” that he's been harping on about? And he was trying to show him that they have the same magic or something to prove it? Something must have gone wrong? Just speculating here
I love how you ask this as a question. It really acts to include the reader into his train of thought, almost like he's talking to us. Also, I must say that I'm really enjoying the voice of this story at the moment. It's quite pleasant to read.
Okay! So that's been a promising start. Poor Devon, things don't look to good for him at the moment. So far, I've quite enjoyed your descriptions and narrative voice. Devon seems interesting but I'm still looking to see how he will develop as the chapters go on. The plot seems interesting and has definitely got my attention! Overall, great stuff!
Silverlock
Oh, my. Silver! Hey, thanks for the review. Whoa, so many questions. Let's start with those.
Brynn is no relation to Daeron. XD Brynn and his dad are royalty from a neighbouring country (In other words, see here; He could have headed for Havarti, but that was under Belasi's control) that Daeron's conquered (Hence Daeron the Conquerer). And Devon was trying to get Daeron to realise that Daeron is his dad by showing him they had the same magic, which-obviously-didn't work. And yes, Daeron's the bastard Devon's been complaining about.
I'm not sure how you're confused by the names? There's, what, four I mention? And I make it pretty clear who's who... Then again, I could tone it down a little, but I thought it'd be pretty obvious as to who was who. :\
I'm glad you like, though! Keep reading; I'm hoping it gets better and makes more sense. There's not much you can do with a 2k word limit. But now that I'm not actually in Tenyo's contest, I may try to stretch the chapters out a little bit. Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the review! You've given me a couple things to think about for when I bother to edit. (Geez, if that doesn't tell you I'm lazy, then I dunno what would. XD)
Hey Scar
With the names, I feel the problem is that they were all introduced in the first two paragraphs where as a reader I'm still busy trying to get to know the protagonist and where exactly I am in this world. I think all of those factors together made it a little confusing to read. Apart from that though I loved it 
Hey Scarlett,
I apologize for the wait. My life has been crazy recently. I'm here to at least get your first chapter reviewed, and your second chapter will be reviewed sometime in the future as well.
There are a few typos, but another reviewer has pointed out a few, and the others you can pick out.
I started in the middle of a conflict like you have, but you've done a much better job than I have. My first chapter was much harder to follow than yours.
My main problem with your chapter which is pretty fantastic is how obvious it is his thought process relates to foreshadowing. I suggest you spend only a sentence or two on the soldiers in the forest rather than two entire paragraphs if I remember correctly. When he thinks about the soldiers the second time, starting here:
I suggest you make it so that he tries to talk himself out of it. It kind of seems like you try to do something of that sort in the paragraph, but maybe you need to make it a little clearer what he's doing.
Devon's thoughts on the soldiers is not only obvious, but they lead to some needless repetition, I feel.
My second problem is the campfire scene towards the end. It seems so inconceivable. First, where did the young guy come from? Either Devon is really unobservant, or the stranger wasn't in the vicinity.
Also, the timing of his "glance" wouldn't have been enough time to sneak in front of him.
I feel like there are so many other ways to make that scene work well that the glance over his shoulder is the precursor to running into a guy is kinda weak.
The very end though, I love. I love the characters, and I love the cliffhanger. The first chapter did it's job and intrigued me.
If you have any questions or comments, lemme know.
I wish you luck next week in the next round,
Megs~
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

Wow. Seriously, wow. I can't get over how well this is written! I couldn't tear my eyes away for a second. And that's big considering I'm one of those readers who tends to skip over descriptions and any part that isn't full of action or dialogue. Kudos to you! XD
Anyways, like I said I think this chapter is amazing. You've done a great job with the background information and the details of what kind of world Devon lives in. I felt like I was right there beside him, walking through the forest and dodging the scouts. And then I could totally see the whole campfire scene at the end while I was reading it. Keep up the good work!
I am very interested in the world you've created here. It seems a bit complicated with all these kingdoms and different people guarding different places. The only thing I can really say you should try to improve upon is that. Try not to stuff too much information into a few short paragraphs. Maybe focus on one part of the kingdom and then explain how it's related to another. You get what I'm saying? There's just so much information thrown our way at times.
I can't wait to find out what happens to Devon! I think it's pretty interesting that he's really a prince and he didn't figure out until just a short while ago. And I'm also interested in seeing what these men he ran into do with him.
Oh, before I forget, is there a description in here as to what Devon looks like? I remember reading about what he's wearing and the fact that he has earrings, but I don't really remember reading anything about the color hair he has or the color his eyes are. If you forgot to put that in here, make sure to go back and do that. It's always important for readers to have a clear vision of characters when they're reading!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello, love!
Aurora here for a quick review!
Technicalities first, luv.
He wasn't exactly inconspicuos, was he?
He wasn't exactly inconspicuous, was he?
Nothing good. He was sure of that.
Nothing good, he was sure of that.
Several more soldier appeared out of the shadowy forest, both on horseback and on foot.
Several more soldiers appeared out of the shadowy forest, both on horseback and on foot.
Some of the me on horseback disappeared into the night while others dismounted and began to set out tents.
Some of the men on horseback disappeared into the night while others dismounted and began to set out tents.
That's all I caught.
The story was well-written, and the pacing was fine. I liked the way you developed Devon's character and I especially love the ending.
Evilly,
Aurora