Young Writers Society

Messenger here to do one last review for Review Day!

Man this was an incredibly well-written poem. Very powerful with no grammar or punctuation mistakes that I could see. M favorite lines were:

Quiet sneaks in as the sun sinks,
making the hills its grave.
The silencing snake tortures my head again,
with each snap.
Each death inside my head becomes more violent.

I love how you stuck with using the snake as the "villain" and especially where you had "yessss" like a snake slithering, it was just a really cool effect. I'm impressed at the level of quality in this poem, and the use of bolding words, using dialogue, and italics. It adds character to the poem, and just strengthens the whole work.

Sadly I'm not too happy with the end. I think it was written very well, but I'm not big on poems that end in depressive fashions so this wasn't exactly my cup of tea, but it WAS well-written. Not much Else to say really, but this was really good,especially for your age!
Keep it up!

~Messenger

Hello! A belated welcome to YWS to you!

Nitpicks:

to be normal.

I suggest de-italicizing this. Putting emphasis on a word that doesn't need it makes the sentence sound odd.

And now I just sit in silence.

The silence slithers into my mind,

I feel that the repetition of "silence" here is unnecessary. Despite the stanza break, the reader knows you're still talking about the silence, and so you don't have to repeat what it is.

making the hills it's grave.

That should be its.

And now I just sit in a consulars office.

That should be counselor's.

I only scream,
considering the snaps.

This is phrased oddly. I don't see the need to include the second line. I suggest you scratch that out and fix the sentence to where it says, "All I can do is scream" or something of the sort.

"Nails are bad."
They say,

Punctuation: Change the period to a comma and then lowercase the t on they.
Form: Consider merging the lines into one.

"NO ITS NOT MY FAULT..."

You need an apostrophe for "it's."


On the poem itself:

I don't understand the message you're trying to convey at the end of the poem. I have listened to the song before, and I see how you're trying to relate to it, but the ending just didn't make sense. Why is he strapped to a chair? Why is the doctor holding a nail and hammer? That makes it sound like he's going to try and crucify him. And what about the ending? What does tink mean? Is he dead? If so, how?

I understand that, in the song, the lead singer repeats "and now I just sit in silence" a few times, but I feel like you could have made it even better. Sure, you spiced it up by using various places and objects to sit on, but what about the person? Why does he always have to sit? Can't he stand or kneel or something? Try using various synonyms of the word "sit."

Overall: The poem is really good. I think you clearly captured the message originally conveyed in the original song, and you even captured the melancholy tone of the singer. The poem's flow was smooth most of the time, albeit choppy due to awkwardly formed sentences. If there's one thing you want to fix, then go back and revise the structured stanzas, and see if there are some lines that you can combine into one. That might help the choppiness.

Overall, I found this to be a good poem, with strong descriptions, imagery, and figurative language. Nice work. ^^