Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Spiritual

E - Everyone

Free

by Poopsie


a dove's wings in unfettered glory fly

away, away, away.

Into a vast ocean of open sky

so free, so high.

Is it we that make the earth shake

with weighted dreams of sighing clouds?

Or is it the lightness of the wind.

Tickling its rocky crown.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 389
Reviews: 17

Donate
Sat Oct 21, 2017 2:02 pm
View Likes
popsicles wrote a review...



This one is very good I like your title of the poem
I wish I was sometimes a bird ;-) they are ALWAYS free
and I wish I could fly hihiii
I think your message of this poem is that we all want to be
free, but actually nobody is free
we all are caged in a body that we not have make by ourselves
I know the answer right now!
We ARE free and happy thoughts let us fly ;-)

I like your thought of this poem, you use strong words
You are a great writer, keep on writing :D

Love: Bree




User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 269
Reviews: 7

Donate
Fri Jul 17, 2015 6:03 pm
AnnaGrace24 wrote a review...



Hi! I am Anna-Grace and I am going to attempt to review your poem. I suck at reviews so be prepared haha.

I personally love any poem that can make me feel something or clearly picture something. You did that. I felt free, I could picture clouds and the wind. I loved it.

I love the way the poem just flows and your choice of words. Keep it up!!!
-AG




Verser says...


thanks for your input!



Verser says...


thanks for your input!



AnnaGrace24 says...


Anytime



User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 222
Reviews: 129

Donate
Tue Jul 07, 2015 1:44 am
Monsters wrote a review...



Well obviously the dove symbol is a little over-used, don't you think?

These are cliche aswell;
vast ocean of open sky
lightness of the wind.

Is it we that make the earth shake


This is awkward, there should be some kind of natural break after we to increase clarity - sometimes you can't do that with conventional grammar but in poetry anything goes - I would use that here whether it is a line break or a pause, just find some kind of way to make it not awkward the first time reading. Or perhaps consider using us instead of we, that is for you to decide.

As far as the whole poem goes - it is rather ambiguous and sloppy, Consider the end rhymes of fly and sky and how sky and high are sort of weak rhymes - these are things done without consistency and while you don't always need consistency - you do need the poem to feel right and this just doesn't do it for me. It seems like the rough intuition of someone when staring at the sky - not a refined and well written piece of writing. As far as capturing that moment of intuition - I think you certainly did that, but just doing that is a little too easy. You need rhythm of which there is absolutely none and you need a more high definition picture, what does the dove look like ect?

Not only this the whole thing is kind-of awkward;
unfettered glory fly,
Is it we that make the earth shake
sighing clouds
Or is it the lightness of the wind.
Tickling its rocky crown.

And that the repetition is for little purpose and seems almost random;
away, away, away.

It's just this; the whole thing together doesn't tick for me, it is almost random and I think you should have spent some more time on this. It is a good poem, just not anything near good enough for me.




User avatar
79 Reviews


Points: 3616
Reviews: 79

Donate
Mon Jul 06, 2015 6:15 pm
Lael wrote a review...



A nice poem that makes you think about deep things... ;)

Okay, so is that first "a" in the first line supposed to be capitalized?

Second, in your second question, you don't have a question mark. Also, I think that those last two sentences that make up that question should be connected somehow, like maybe with a comma, and then have a question mark at the end.

This was an interesting poem. Although the meaning of this poem is a little unclear, it leaves an open question that I guess lets people think of their own answer. Perhaps that's why it's so obscure?

Great job! :)




User avatar
128 Reviews


Points: 6214
Reviews: 128

Donate
Mon Jul 06, 2015 4:47 pm
BlueSunset wrote a review...



I'm Sunset, and I'll review your poem today, Verser! I'll try to make this a good, long review, but since it's a shorter poem, I might have some trouble. Anyways, let's get to it! :D

a dove's wings in unfettered glory fly

Great first line! I love the added word "unfettered", that felt to me like the correct word to use, at the correct time. :D That made me want to read on to the rest of the poem - which is a good quality to have in one.
Or is it the lightness of the wind.
Tickling its rocky crown.

Here in the first line that I quoted, you should have a "?" instead of a "." because that was more of a question, as is the other one above it.
Those are all for the nitpicks, now I just want to tell you what you might want to work on, such as the title. I think that you can think of more of an intriguing title, instead of just the word "Free" itself. You know? Something that will attract more readers.
You could also lengthen this poem a bit more. Describe the appearance of the dove, how elegant it flies, to stretch and get more in depth with the poem. Show readers what you can tranform, Verser! ;)

Well, lastly I think this poem's great. You could fix the nitpicks that I told you, maybe lengthen the poem more. That's what I am looking from you, to lengthen and get really in depth with these kinds of works. But for a simple, small, cuteness of a poem, this was beautiful!
Farewell,
Sunset101 :D




User avatar
36 Reviews


Points: 1238
Reviews: 36

Donate
Sat Feb 15, 2014 11:15 pm
cherrycanwrite160 wrote a review...



In just two lines you have explained so much! I have read some of your other work and I really enjoyed this one! This reminds me of a show/anime I can't really say the name, much less type it. But in the show, nothing is free. Everything cost something. Not just things you buy in the store, peoples love, joy, and others! Nothing is ever "free" and I believe you expressed this thought very well! Bravo!




Verser says...


Thanks, but I realize thats not true. ;)



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 232
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sat Feb 15, 2014 7:17 pm
findingmyway says...



love this <3




Verser says...


Thanks :D



User avatar
5 Reviews


Points: 963
Reviews: 5

Donate
Sat Feb 15, 2014 7:06 pm
Gaidaa wrote a review...



Nice concept you got going there, really it's interesting. I wish you'd have made it longer though. Maybe listed things you'd criticise about "a world like this" when it comes to the term "free." That would have been far more interesting in my point of view.
As in your poem i see you are definitley questioning the values of what "free" really is, then i think your title should too, and even though i like the slight challenge or sarcasm? (idk what to call it) tone in your poem, more would have been far more than welcome.
Also the structure is quite frustrating. Either put it all in one line, or do it like this:
Define free,
in a world like this.
or
Define free, in a world like this.
or
Define
Free
In
A
World
Like
This


idk, I would have liked it more.




Verser says...


thanks. I'll keep that in mind.



User avatar
463 Reviews


Points: 12208
Reviews: 463

Donate
Sat Feb 15, 2014 6:14 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Verser!
Welcome to YWS~
Thought I'd pop in. Sometimes it's hard to get reviews on really short pieces like this.
First, as much as I hate to disagree with a fellow reviewer, sometimes the name of the game isn't How Long Can I Drone On About A Topic Everyone's Talked About At Least Three Times In Their Lifetime. Simplicity can make just as big of an impact as four or five stanzas expounding on freedom can.

I have one tiny little nitpick.
I would suggest starting the second line with a lowercase i. The entire poem is one sentence. Grammar can still hold even if the sentence is broken.
However, grammar is a fickle subject in poetry, so do as you wish.

I do want to talk about your title though! I feel like your poem would make more of an impact if you changed the title because really you're questioning freedom. I think, and I may totally be extrapolating here,that you may be saying that we don't have freedom. Titles are more than a something pretty to go above a poem. They're part of the poem, especially in a poem as short as this one. Just as a suggestion, I would say a question mark could do a lot of good. Free?

Anyways, you've got a nice poem here. I enjoy small bite sized pieces like this. They make you think.

I hope to see you around.
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, lemme know.
See ya,
Megs~




Verser says...


thanks, I'll keep that in mind, I appreciate your review



User avatar
79 Reviews


Points: 1632
Reviews: 79

Donate
Sat Feb 15, 2014 6:06 pm
RachelLeeAnn wrote a review...



Hello, Verser!
RachelLeeAnn here to review!

So, I like the idea you've got going here, but honestly there isn't enough to review. You should really expand. Perhaps start it out by using technical definitions of the word "free," and then maybe listing things that are supposedly "free."
Right now, it's just far too short!

Keep working on it!
-Rae^^




Verser says...


thanks



User avatar
170 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 170

Donate
Sat Feb 15, 2014 5:33 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey Verser!
I really like the concept of this but I feel like you really need to add more to it! You could easily expand this poem into multiple stanzas while still maintaining the simplistic effect by repeating "Define free". Right now these two lines don't seem to do justice for a concept that could be very interesting and diverse!
I do like the poem as it is now, the briskness of it does make it's point but it definitely needs to be expanded to make it even better!
So overall, room for expanding but still good!




Verser says...


ok thx




Justice is the fragrance that the onion gives to the eyes of the one who has cut it.
— Arc Twain