Warm as Ice, Chapter 2: Notus.

by deleted5

Published March 21, 2014

16+ Language Violence

In 2) Warm as ice.

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

PreviousNext

Authors Note: Thanks to @Zolen for assisting me with the name of the Notus!

Warm as Ice, Chapter 2:

The sun slowly sets on the distant horizon, there is little noise except for me picking on the ice so it can fit into one of the large freeze boxes and the sea calmly padding against the ice. Calm now but in about an hour the sea will turn rough and cruel as the wind turns bitter and deadly. I have to get moving. After stuffing all the ice into the box I shove the red lid down. I hear crunching from the ice as it is compressed into the box.

Using a special whistle I call Leo to me, he pads over to me seemingly happy at being called over. Patting him on the head while doing so I link a chain up to his collar which in turn hooks onto a strap on the Freeze box. I test the chain by tugging gently on it; it is secure.

I whistle and, "Go on Leo, walk!" He starts pulling the sleigh gently towards the general direction of the dome. He is trained to pull these sleighs at a moderate speed undeterred by the landscape. Bumps and small cracks he won't bother with. He will instead carry on a relentless march. I walk to his right flank occasionally giving encouragement as it is a hard job but besides that I remain silent and simply watch the landscape and the sky.

I estimate twenty minutes as I can see it not so far in the distance although you can never be sure out here, what looks like a mile could be ten. I'm not worried though. I have around half an hour of light left. Hell but it is boring out here, nothing but incredibly flat lands and blinding whiteness. I left pretty much the only life out here back at the coast, the penguins, and now the world is devoid of their calls and chatters.

I eventually reach the dome and just in time too; the sun is already teasing to hide and lurk under the horizon. I can see a lone figure dressed in thick insulated clothing standing next to the doors of the Notus or the rig as us locals like to call it. Notus is the old name for it but I don't know the origins. Dean would know.

As I am about fifty metres the figure calls out and waves "Hello there Illiete! Back so soon?". The wind carries his voice to me.

I have to wait until Leo and I get even closer so I can frown at him and reply with, "Sarcasm James?" I shake my head, "I had a bit of trouble with the last bit of ice. It was a bit too heavy for me."

His face turns into one of concern and he returns the frown, "Watch yourself out their Illiete! You don't want to end up like them."

I nod in affirmative. Though rare these days people still do fall in and very- very few get out.

I am drawn out from my thoughts by James laughing heartily, "Let's not let dark thoughts ruin this evening!" He bends down and unhooks Leo whilst stroking his fur. Silence for a few seconds before he says, "So how much did you get?"

Instead of telling him I open the ice box with the largest block which nearly killed me, the ice box has retained the coolness in it meaning that there is minimal water settling on the bottom.

"A decent amount." I answer.

He leans his head over his short hair clinging to his head unlike mine, "Ha! That's a bit more than a decent amount! Head on in Illiete I'll make sure you get extra pay!" He takes Leo's collar, "I'll take my little friend back to your Mother now too. It's on my way back."

I nod, "Thank you."

I go to wait in front of the seamless, grey double doors. James pulls a single lever triggering the door to open. He nods and indicates to enter before then turning around and carting away the ice into a nearby warehouse. The warehouses are situated outside of the dome for easier storage of the ice. It has a bleak, weathered look to it. The concrete building has been worn over the years into a near abandoned looking building even though it is used daily. Work is starting soon on a new one inside of the dome.

The doors slide open and a rush of hot air flies out of the small room brushing my face with warmth. I step in onto the grated metal floor creating a dull rusty sound as I step.

I hear the doors behind me whooshing shut as soon as I am securely in; this lets keeps as much heat in as possible. I hear an electronic bleep and the doors in front of me open in a similar manner to the first except without the rush of warm air but voices and busy movement although not as much as usual.

"Hey! Illiete!" A voice calls out that I immediately recognize as Dean's voice.

"Hello Dean," I say to Dean in return, he is grinning as usual when another ice runner comes back. Dean was an ice runner back in the day as well but soon he weighed to much so it was dangerous for him to be on the edges of the ice even though he is only a year older than me. Maybe if I get bigger I would have to stay in and find other work but I would rather that didn't happen. Being an ice runner pays very well due to the high risk and reward of water for the town. Being nimble and fast is the key.

"Glad to see you back! We were getting worried back in the good 'Ol rig. You took a while."

I shrug, "I had a bit of difficulty hauling the ice over the edge."

"Bit off more than you true?"

I hesitate before agreeing,"Yeah." I conclude.

He offers to take my axes and other equipment, I accept as that is his job now. Once you cannot be an ice runner you can either get a new job or help out at the Notus by collecting gear or just generally helping. Most leave but I think Dean stayed because he loves welcoming people back and just generally helping. He wouldn't feel needed in a shop or a factory even though it is a necessary part to the town.

I walk with him to the lockers where all the gear goes in it's correct locker. I quickly snatch my axe off of him while we walk so he can't protest. He doesn't seem to really care; he knows that I don't like other people doing things for me.

We walk through the double doors leaving the near empty room filled with old wooden benches behind. He does a quick laugh to himself.

"What's so funny?" I ask frowning.

"Why bother giving this place a dramatic name? It's just a glamorized concrete box sticking out of a giant plastic dome. Might as well call it hard grey rock!"

Confused I ask back, "How is the name Notus dramatic?"

We get to the lockers now, I toss him my keys and he opens my locker number 327. While he slots in all the axes and my pack securely into it he replies to my question, "It means "The God of the southern wind" a Greek god actually from long ago."

I roll my eyes, "There's nothing out there Dean! Just cold cold water and barren tundra!"

He stops and turns to look at me, "What 'bout the Mayor? Everyone knows he used to live in one of those cities far away."

"That was about a hundred years ago! How do yo-"

"Ninety-eight."

"Whatever, how do you even know that there will even be any gook gods? Or any people at all?"

"Greek." He grins.

"Whatever!"

"I don't know if there are any people out there! But I know there were."

I start to reply but I am interrupted again, "I can't change your mind, your too stubborn!" He smiles cheekily as I start to reply again but then immediately cut off, "I believe what the mayor says that there is still people out there even though people think he has gone old and confused."

I open my mouth to say otherwise but I close it quickly. He's right about that most people don't believe the mayor anymore and if I'm true full, I don't either. He's a good mayor and inventor and all but It's hard to believe that anyone is still out there. If there were people out there surely they would have come here since we came here. They are all dead and buried.

I nod in agreement, "You can't change my mind."

He thinks about it for a moment then smiles again, "'Cause you're stubborn!"

I hit him jokily on the shoulder and I walk away to the changing rooms with my bag. It's on the other end of the Notus so I hurry there; I don't want to be late back home and these thick clothes are made for outdoors not the kind-of comforting heat of the rig. There I enter a cubicle and stuff by heavy-duty clothes into my bag and put on my non-work clothes on me.

Coming back the way I came I re-enter the first room; The first room after the airlock. It has solid benches arranged in rows and spare skis and boots hanging off hooks on the walls covering the walls. Two rooms go into smaller rooms on the opposite wall to me. One of them is a warm storage room used for storing and drying equipment. The other is a large boiler to keep the building warm.

The room is deadly quiet. I glimpse outside through the windows next to the door and see that the moon has set. It would be deadly cold if not for the dome meaning that no one could live very comfortably or even at all.

The doors on the back of the building leading into the town are a lot more friendly. They don't have airlocks and the building on that side looks more clean and smart. It does still have a keypad for security reasons. I see no trace of Dean anywhere; he probably left a while back. Once the last person leaves the helpers have nothing to do although most leave before then.

I tap the button on the side of the door leading out into the town. The door waits for a few seconds before sliding open in a similar manner to the airlock. Stepping outside I feel the warmth of rig fading away into the cool night air. Of course not as cold as outside the dome; now if I were to leave even in my thick clothing I would still die. More of a different cool but not unwelcome.

Walking down the gravelled pathway I hear the crunching of my boots as they make contact with the ground. I am shadowed as I walk by concrete walls on either side of me. The walls at this time look dark, mysterious and ominous like they are going to leap out at you or fall down and bury you alive.

I shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans and I continue to walk forward. Usually if I got out late I would gaze up outside the dome and look for the Southern lights to keep me interested on the walk home. Sadly today they are too weak and the dome is too strong for me to see anything more than quick whips of green, red and blue light pathetically small compared to the full thing but worth a glance nonetheless.

I'm not really thinking much besides the way home at the moment. Mostly I keep my head down leaving my hair to hang like a scarf beside me but when I do glance up I see the deserted streets devoid of life except for the occasional late worker from the factories or late night shops. Not many people go out at night. The temperatures though warmer in the town still drop to minus five degrees. There is also little to do; the town was built with practicality and the aim to survive in mind not comfort or entertainment. So most choose to go home to their families or friends.

The town does have a certain beautiful look to it at night. It's dull grey concrete glisten into life as the moisture lying on it freezes giving it's dull usual look a refreshing change. There is no snow on the ground. Even without the dome it very rarely snows here. Even the oldest in the town have maybe only seen it happen once or twice.

I'm walking down the main street now where most the shops and businesses are. To the right are most of the housing including my own and up ahead is the industrial district where the factories produces anything from tools to food. In the early morning scores of uniformed men and women walk down the main street to get to those factories as it provides jobs for most the people. My mother works in the shops on the main street selling general goods with my sister, Ophelia, as her apprentice and helper.

My boots thud down the concrete road where some small vans drive down with goods for the shops occasionally but mostly they remain empty and due to that potholes and cracks are numerous. There is no need to maintain them. The shops and buildings are in a similar state. The older ones have taken more of a beating than the newer ones but they all share the same withered look as each other.

I bank off to the right and head down a smaller footpath to the right. One of the footpaths leading to the housing district. The paths are more narrow and even more rugged as cars are not usually owned by normal citizens and only by the more well off. Very few of those around here. Next to no opportunity for big business. Mainly just small family ones like my Mother's.

I am tired and hungry when I enter the district but luckily my home is one of the closer ones to the main street. Most the houses are identical and built at a similar time, most were built when we first arrived.

There is no front area in our home. That is more for richer people who can afford outside heating for plants to make gardens prettier. They also use that kind of heating in the greenrooms for growing plants, not that tasty ones if I must say.

All the doors are fairly thick with insulation to keep the heat in. As are the walls, windows and roof. While standing in front of the door I ruffle into my pockets to find my keys. The metal holds the cold very well and I get a slight chill in my hand, one that makes me want to get inside even quicker. I'm not the whiny sort of person but who doesn't love a warm bed and food? Besides I want to finish my drawings before I have to go to sleep.

My slot the keys into the stiff lock and the door clicks open. I take a step in and the warm air embraces my face. The door closed behind me due to the spring. This saves as much heat as possible. It is law around here.

I undo my laces and drop off my thinner jacket onto a peg. Walking into the main room I see Ophelia asleep on the black sofa. A small fire is burning away in front of it. The room is moderately furnished. Nothing special. I smile and I adopt a sneaky pose which Leo now copies seeing as I have entered the room. James must have delivered him earlier.

Without my heavy boots on sneaking behind the sofa is a doddle. Coupled with the plush, soft carpet I am silent like a gentle breeze. Ophelia's heavy snoring show me that she is fast asleep. I stand up slowly and sneakily like a thief on their newest heist. I quickly grab the top of her head and speak slowly, "Hello Ophelia."

She screams and kicks out and, as an added bonus, she falls on the floor. I laugh and she quickly jumps up. "God damnit Illiete! You scared the shit out of me!"

I continue laughing as she scowls at me, "Hello Ophelia!"

She growls, "One day Illiete one day..." She fades off.

"You love me really." I reply with a quick wink.

To that she just give a quick grunt and sits back down. Leo sits next to her on the sofa and gazes around at the small but cosy room. I go to sit down on the red chair in the corner. I pull my pad out of the shelves within arms reach of the chair. The shelves have a polished look which suggest that Mother was here earlier cleaning.

Resting it on my lap I gaze down at it's green, blank, plastic cover for a second before turning my eyes up to Ophelia again. She is busy chewing on her nails; she sees me and freezes. "What?"

"Where's Mother?"

She pauses for a second, takes her fingers out of her mouth and then replies slowly, "She... I mean I! I sent me home early!"

I raise an eyebrow, "I sent me home early?"

She shakes her head and lies back head hanging over the edge, "Never mind Illiete..."

I smile briefly and look down to my pad again. Drawing is the one thing that I do for fun around here besides talking with a few friends such as Dean, although I prefer solitude most of the time. The town is quite limited on recreational facilities built only for living purposes. We have to find our own things to pass the time. Others don't like that but I for one quite like it. It lets us find out what we are good at.

Occasionally I'll also use some of the training equipment at the Rig. Keeping fit is important in the early days but less so later on when the larger blocks of ice is exercise enough. The equipment there is old and beaten and the manager of the Notus, Theodore, is always pestering the mayor for new equipment. Most his budget has gone on the axes, sledges and clothing.

I open the pad and take a quick skim through some of my works from doodles to full pieces. All are in black and white using shading and lines alone. Pencils and paints are much to expensive and besides, I've got used to this method and I enjoy it. It gives a fairly dark and abstract image.

I find a clean page somewhere past the middle. I pick the pencil out of the binder that holds the pages together and I begin to draw. Nothing in particular today but I am quickly deep in concentration. Time wittles away as I do this waiting for Mother to return. My stomach is growling incessantly but I have nothing to eat at the moment. We have no food in the house as today is the day when Mother brings back the spare goods from the store.

I guess that she will be back pretty soon; the shops closed about when I got out of the Rig and she would stay on there for a bit to organize the store. Until then I'm pretty content.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
GoldFlame
Review
GoldFlame wrote a review Review · Mar 25, 2014

Hey, Alex! Here as requested!

First off, I can't stop admiring your title :D. I've always struggled with forming paradoxical phrases, or oxymorons, for that matter. And here you've done it, linked it to your narrator's occupation. Speaking of, the exposition's fleshing out wonderfully: well-measured pace, and you've absolutely nailed character development. I'm living in the story, guiding the narrator's muscles. The words that pour from his mouth pour from mine, as well; that's how natural the dialogue flows. I've also received a vivid idea of the setting.

Finally! Someone who uses semicolons correctly! I know this seems random, but geez ... all the review juice I've squandered lecturing people :P.

Second, balanced better than a Chinese meal! Dialogue with speaker tags with action with narration, scene with narrative, descriptions with solid details, and ... you get the gist. Fabulous job.

I'll just brush a hand over grammar, and we'll move on.

I caught phrases clad in speaker tag garments when they didn't qualify as speaker tags:

I nod in agreement, "You can't change my mind."


Speaker tags (or speaker's tags, whichever you prefer) consist of a subject and a synonym for "said." There are around 330 synonyms, I believe. Ignore all of 'em. Ignore your English teacher. Readers prefer "said," no matter how repetitive it gets--or better yet, as few speaker tags as possible. And you've nailed this, although there were some unnecessary synonyms in there, but that can be mended with a quick sweep over the piece.

Comma splices, as well. Instances where two independent clauses weren't connected with a conjunction or a semicolon, and just kind of floated there awkward. They were most likely mistakes; I only caught a couple in the beginning, so you're fine there. Just sweep over that, too.

But my main concern is that there aren't enough commas. Commas are required after conjunctions in compound sentences--basically, two independent clauses strung together, either with a semicolon or a conjunction. The conjunctions are as follows: for, and, nor, but, or, so (FANBOYS). Introductory phrases, as well. If it's over three words, it needs a comma after it. (The bolded phrase is an introductory phrase.)

Ugh. Sorry, I'm a Grammar Nazi; I had to. Your grammar's near impeccable, but I'm so desperate for nitpicks .... Look, this was amazing. Truly. And rest assured, I'm not sugarcoating things. You rendered me speechless--literally.

Style!

I did note some overuse of active voice, each sentence structured the same way: "subject + verb + complete thought." The OCD person I am, I counted thirty paragraphs beginning with "I", out of seventy-five. Too many paragraphs beginning with "I." Easy fix: just throw in some passive voice. Toy with predicates.

That appears to be it. Your style--I could gush about it all day. The descriptions ... wow. They were elaborate, well-worded, but left room open for interpretation. You've truly a handle on storytelling.

Specific nitpicks ...

I nod in affirmative.


Should be "in affirmation."

I hit him jokily


Should be "jokingly." Or maybe I'm wrong? I don't recall seeing the word "jokily" before. Searching that up real quick ... hm. Both can be used. Although "jokily" appears less common. Or maybe it depends on where you live; I dunno.

Alright, so you may've noticed, the quantity of nitpicks exceeds the quantity of praise. That wasn't intended. I just get carried with throwing people lessons they don't need. And the higher the quality, the harsher the review. That's how mine always go; I don't know why.

This chapter didn't reveal much, in terms of plot. But I like that you're pacing things a bit on the slower side. It builds suspense, gives the reader time to absorb/digest information.

I usually don't "like" a piece, but you definitely deserve one.

Keep it up! Looking forward to more! :D

Thanks for the review!
I'm glad I finally got semi colons! People in the previous two were saying about that!
The comma thing is pretty funny, in the first one I added not many, second too many, and now not enough again! XD I reckon I can nail next time!
Congratulations on FM!

Thanks, and no problem! (:

User avatar
Pompadour
Review
Pompadour wrote a review Review · Mar 22, 2014

Heya! Here to review~

Technical

The sun slowly sets on the distant horizon, there is little noise except for me picking on the ice so it can fit into one of the large freeze boxes and the sea calmly padding against the ice.


A semi-colon is more appropriate in place of that comma. Also, shouldn't it be picking at the ice?

Nit-picks aside, this might just be me but I felt like your sentence was partially weak because first you focus in on the sounds, and then you zoom out to why that certain sound is being made, only to zoom in again on the making of various sounds and lack thereof. I'd suggest some restructuring, so the end result is like this:

The sun slowly sets on the distant horizon; there is little noise except for the sea calmly padding against the ice, and the sound of me picking at my own frozen chunk so it can fit into one of the large freeze boxes.


Or you could rephrase it to whatever you deem fit. I'm sorry I spent ages on that first para. But I tend to be harsh when it comes to beginnings, 'cause I know from experience how important they are. I hope it was harsh in a good way, because beginnings are what make or break a chapter!


Using a special whistle I call Leo to me, he pads over to me seemingly happy at being called over.


Again, a semi-colon would be more suitable here, since these are two different clauses. If you don't know what that is, then take it simply as a cause and an effect. That is the key structure of all sentences. A sentence without either of these is a fragment, which is often used by writers to convey broken thoughts, or simply for dramatic emphasis. *coughs* So, sentence structure lessons aside, yeah, a semi-colon's needed there. Lemme point out a case where you've used it, and used it right:

I test the chain by tugging gently on it; it is secure.


Never hesitate when it comes to ze semi-colon!


Okay, I'm taking an interlude. This is just to say: Leo's a dog?! The way you described him, it seemed to be a person! I was a bit taken aback, and went all "whoa, weird."

You can laugh at my stupidity now. :P

Moving on...

I whistle and, "Go on Leo, walk!"


The evil space minions ate up that word, methinks. Did you mean "I whistle and say..."?


the sun is already teasing to hide and lurk under the horizon.


Wait. Wasn't the sun setting at the beginning of the chapter? How long does it take to set, anyway?


Original text:
As I am about fifty metres the figure calls out and waves "Hello there Illiete! Back so soon?".


Fixed text:

As I am about fifty metres away the figure calls out and waves, "Hello there Illiete! Back so soon?"


You don't need periods after punctuation in dialogue. Also, there needs to be either a comma or a colon before dialogue. You can read up on punctuation in dialogue here or here.


"Watch yourself out their Illiete!


"their" should be "there."


Though rare these days people still do fall in and very- very few get out.


This sentence is kinda awkwardly worded. I think a comma would be more suitable between the "very"s. Also, fall in what?


He nods and indicates to enter before then turning around and carting away the ice into a nearby warehouse.



Pacing and other stuff

You've got the pacing down, I must say. This chapter was way, way longer then the previous one, but it's all right, seeing as it would be too fast if you'd smushed all this up in fewer words. A couple of extra-long sentences could do with some cutting down, but other than that it's not a big deal.

I love Illiete's name! It's so original and it's lovely to pronounce. I always find picking out names for my characters the hardest part of writing, and it's always nice to see unique names being used!

Your dialogue is natural, and it flows smoothly. I'm impressed. Your character development is good, although Illiete seemed to sound more like a boy than a girl at times. Girls don't want to be "big." Also, you could subtly reiterate the fact that she is a girl in places. For example, by mentioning all the risks she takes, and what makes her different from other girls. You've done that in a couple of places, like when you talk about her hair hanging down like a scarf and all that stuff. Girls are less blunt. They see colours instead of shapes; they tend to be more observant. Keep writing and you'll get the hang of it!

Looking forward to the next chapter. I hope this review helped.

Keep up the brilliant work! Keep writing!

Cheers,

~Pompadour

Thanks for the very detailed review! Also:
"Okay, I'm taking an interlude. This is just to say: Leo's a dog?! The way you described him, it seemed to be a person! I was a bit taken aback, and went all "whoa, weird.""
I laughed so much! :P

User avatar
IamTraunt
Review
IamTraunt wrote a review Review · Mar 21, 2014

Hey! IamTruant here!
I am intrigued by your story.
Just a few minor adjustments:
"and if I'm true full" < 'truthful'.
"If there were people out there (-) surely they would have come here since we came here." < it was a bit of more appropriate if you put: 'surely they would have come here since we're here."
There is various places where you need to put commas, but other than that I really enjoyed your story! Well done! And keep on writing!

Thanks for taking your time to read it all and review. (It was a long chapter :P)

No problem! I really enjoyed your story and can't wait to read some more. I am writing a novel like you called 'Truant', so I understood yours and liked the Ice Runner's occupation! I can imagine something happening on the ice ;-)

Thanks! Have you read the previous two chapters?

Yes, I have. They are brilliant! I love how detailed you are when doing a person's perspective. And like my story, you have a good bond between sisters that people can relate too. :-)



You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein