Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Warm as Ice: Prologue. Remembered.
July 20th 2198,
I still remember, old that I am, the day when we ran from our homes. I was a little lad then, only eight, of course everyone seems young to me now but I fear that I will not out last them all for much longer. That is why I write what happened so everyone else can remember what they have forgot. At 134 no one else is alive to remember, those that are young now have forgotten what their parents and their parent parents have told them. People like me have descended into legend or even myth. They shook of the truth of another land even though we told them. Although I can't blame them, from a person who lives here perspective it's all just sea and ice from here.
Maybe it is best though that they forget the hate, that we continue our simple lives in the depths of Antarctica. I mean what will returning with a vengeance do? Nothing, even I know that, and I have reason more than anyone to hate them for what they have done. That I will come to.
I am just an old man now, yes an old man who is mayor of this town. But this town cannot stop the Fireflys. Our domed walls and the natural barrier of the sea has stopped the toughest of the elements; Antarctica, but it will not stop them. We will break faster than my crippled leg.
Here I start my records of the day when it happened, maybe some day when we're long gone someone will overthrow them, for better or for worse I do not know. Maybe we'll be remembered in history books for the children at schools. Maybe we'll be blown away into the harsh winds outside of the dome. Only time will tell.
July 20th 2064,
I woke with a blurry vision and a pain in my forehead. I felt... dizzy, disorientated. I heard alarms from unseen cars and screams from invisible phantoms whizzing round. I thought I was dead, it seemed too abstract and opaque to be as clear and crisp as reality. Eventually I regained my vision. I was in a car. My dad's car. My dad's crashed car. I was lying slumped forward, held in place by a seatbelt and a paper white airbag inflated proudly in front of me.
The car itself was turned to the right of the road, smashed into a concrete pillar supporting another building causing the hood to scrunch up like a used tissue. The alarm from the car was still blaring it's incessant cry. Next to me I could make out my Dad, just. My head was still throbbing and my vision red. He was recovering just like me; his forehead bloodied with glass and his arms bruised. He was still alive and was regaining consciousness slowly but surely.
His eyes defog and he looked at me first relaxed, then panicked as he remembered where we were.
"You ok?" He asked panickly. I nodded and he rested his hands on his forehead as if to catch his breath. "We gotta get out of here!" He exclaimed.
"What's happening Dad? What's going on?" I asked him.
Before he could answer a loud and terrifying whistle sounded out from the sky; my Dad stopped talking to look out the back of the car confused.
"Oh shit..." He cursed.
The whistle still emanated though getting louder and more piercing, it was ringing in my ears like a seashell cupped to my ear like what we used to do at the seaside. We both froze on the spot when we should have tried to run, we were too confused of what was going on.
Suddenly, a dense, metal object shot down from the sky seemingly a bolt of lightning as from it's glowing intensity and speed. It shot past in the blink of the eye and sucked into the ground. I watched as the ground around it kicks up and cracks from the point where it hit; the shockwave, I realised, was about to hit us. I realised to late and my whole world flipped and spinned around.
The glass in the car freezed in mid air, like tiny diamonds about shred someone. The dust swirled in all directions, seemingly confused about the destruction as we were. We screamed as we were tossed into the air at mercy to our attackers. The car hit the ground with a tearing crunch, things burnt, phantoms shifted and screamed and all went dark.
When I awoke the world is upside down. The car was a burnt shell of what it was; glass littering the floor and studding my face with little prickets of pain. My whole body felt achy, tired and numb but my right leg is especially numb, I couldn't move it. I could still hear the faint screams and footsteps of people running away but now it was now accompanied with the crackle and spitting of gunfire and the whirl of planes and helicopters
What's going on? It sounds like an invasion of some sorts? But who?
I heard groaning from above me; with a horrible realisation I knew that that thing was going to cause the building above me to collapse on top of me. I started to panic, my breathing intensified and with it my pain. The building emanated another groan and thousands of bits of glass and paper flew out of the windows as it tilted slightly towards me, as if taunting me. The glass pinged of the car shell like hailstones on an attic window.
I tried to call for help but my calls were quickly drowned within the sea of terror coming from outside. There were too many people, and they were all trying to help themselves at the moment.
Or so I thought. As I accepted my so-called imminent death I heard shouts from outside.
Maybe I'm already dead? Who could know I was down here?
"He's over there! Come on guys! Lift!" A large voice said from outside my metal coffin.
I felt the pressure on my whole body lifting in one big relief. I was free. Strong hands pulled me up and held me in their arms. I scanned the row of faces tiredly in search of my Dad. He wasn't there.
Why? Why isn't he there?
"Just stay with us son, you'll be alright. We're heading to the boats." The man who was holding me said.
I shook my head, still unable to speak.
"Is that them all?" Asked a younger man.
The man gave a quick affirmative of the head "I think so, or at least all that we can take." He replied.
I tried to tell them Dad was still back there but it came out as a disorientated mumble and a tiny flop of the head. I stared at the ground sadly. He was dead. Why was I denying it? My whole life was dead I thought. These attackers have wrecked it all! Even the concrete road built to withstand hundreds of years of heavy traffic have crumpled and burnt to a pitiful state.
The man who held me nodded, "Let's get going, this kid isn't looking all that good and the ship may leave without us."
There was a pause then, "They won't leave, they need you Dan." Another guy said.
The streets were desolate of screams now; I assumed that it was because they had all left or were dead. I could still here the constant stream of missiles and gunfire, getting closer now. Dead bodies litter the streets, charred or ravaged with blood. Building sparkling and new a few days ago then, now reduced to slumped over piles of burning rubble. Why did this happen though?
I lifted my head groggily, my vision and senses were still recovering and with them, the pain. Ahead, I saw a dirty truck although still operational and, most importantly, not on fire. When they got to it, they laid me down on the back of it, the uncomfortable metal sends spikes of ice down my spine re-enhancing the pain. I groaned but at least now I get a good view of what is attacking. I see helicopters and planes droning across the sky killing at will; they are equipped with a range of weapons from missiles to bombs. It's almost a continuous stream of rockets and gun fire in some cases which provided a steady beat in that apocalyptic song.
I knew not who had done this until then but I saw as clearly as polished glass on that day who had done this because painted as obviously as mud on a white wall on the side of the biggest ship of all.
Was a firefly. The fireflies were here.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey Alex~
You'll need to replace the comma after "eight" with a semicolon.
1. Comma is needed after "134"
2. Change the bolded to parents'
That doesn't make sense!
I'm not sure panickly is a word.. but you should just cut it regardless. You already mentioned that he was panicked. Repeating it is fruitless. Consider swapping it for a synonym.
1. There's no need to uppercase "Dad." You only uppercase it if you exclude the "my."
2. Again, comma is needed after "car."
1. You need a semicolon after "sky."
2. It's should be its.
Should be too.
Should be has.
The shouldn't be bolded. If you're trying to put emphasis on it, use italics. Also, I think you're missing a "It" before "was a firefly."
Okay, so. Your biggest problem is commas and run-on sentences. I assume that you have so many run-ons is because you're missing commas where they are needed. I spotted quite a lot of places where a comma is needed, but didn't point them all out. I'll leave that up to you. Here are a few articles to help you get a better understanding of them.
I suggest you bold the dates so we take better note of them and so we can tell whenever you're skipping days or even years in the narration.
I like the idea you have going so far. I like the introduction of the fireflies and this seemingly dystopian world this takes place in. You did a great job with introducing the story, with the old man in the beginning recalling his past and then having it start right away from the big event. You've done a nice job with writing it so far. You're doing fairly well with descriptions and I look forward to knowing more history about this, mainly: who or what are the fireflies?
Off to read chapter one!
Sushi! Pompadour here has dropped by from the world of violent cookie-bombs and is here for a review! And now I'm talking in third-person. Great.
OK, so let's get cracking!
I really liked the idea you've got going on here. It's very, very intriguing. The way you start off with this passive tone ... and then you flash-forward to the present. It was natural -- subtle, even. You don't stretch out stark details, nor do you hurl the facts at us like bricks. Because brick-hurling, while a fun past-time to partake in, usually ends up hurting you. Your description was just fantastic. You've got quite a knack for writing in first-person, I must say. Most people -- including me -- get so caught up in the character's thoughts and inner-voice, that their story flows quite slowly. You've maintained a balance though, and that's good. Have a cookie! :3
I noticed a place where your tense is a bit botched up, and a couple of nitpicks. Lemme just skim over the technical stuff real quick.
Like over here:
This sentence should be split up. I see that GoldFlame's already pointed this out, so I won't elaborate any further...
This should be Fireflies. I understand if you're not referring to the insect here (Is it an organization or something?), but even so when you use "Fireflys," it just seems ... wrong, somehow. If you're trying to go for something different with the firefly thing here, you might want to create an anagram for it. Like FIREFLIES. It would be cool. But that's just me making a suggestion here.
Moving on...
You're trying to emphasize a point here, right? Now, I feel it would be more effective if divided this up and used a bit of the magic that is italicizing. In that case, the result would be:
"here" should be "hear."
And "is" should be "was."
That was all I could find.
Overall, I absolutely loved the idea for this story! The description is very vivid and captivating. Your pace is just right -- slow in the beginning and then speeding up until we're at the edge of our seat. Brilliant! Do tell me when you put more of this up; I'm looking forward to reading this!
Keep it up! Keep writing!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Flame here on this fine review day...
.
First off, gorgeous title. You immediately snared my interest
Second, I admire your writing style. Your alternation between active voice and passive voice—fantastic. The subtleness exercised in the introduction of details—fantastic. The plot and characters are also developing nicely...Not much to say.
I'd just recommend adding more contractions. Your style would suit a dystopian theme, casual and uncomplicated as it is. So the lack of contractions sounds unnatural, rather than contributing to professional speech.
Grammar...
I caught several places screaming for commas. Parenthetical expressions, compound sentences, complex sentences. I also caught comma splices--places where sentences should cut off, but then a comma steals the period's glory. For instance...
Should be: "I was a little lad then, only eight. Of course, everyone seems young to me now, but I fear that I will not outlast [outlast is one word] them all for much longer."
That's all I have. This was a very enjoyable read. Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more!
Thank you for the review! About the commas last time I went over the top so this time I may have gone under too much.
Commas are the bane of my existence
.
Wow, this is powerful for a prologue, but it is making me want to read the rest of it. It is well written, but I really don't have anything to say about it, so I will share with you some of the parts I liked.
That's all I have to give for you, but I want to read what's next if you post/posted it here.
From the reviewing power of GreenTulip.
Thanks!
Timmy here to leave you a review!
This was really good. I have always liked stories that were written like journals, giving a day to day breakdown of the characters life. This story was excellent, very well written! There are a few nitpicks I am going to point out, but for the most part this story flowed well, had good punctuation and grammar, and was interesting!!
So that shows most of your bigger mistakes. That sort of stuff is scattered a little bit throughout your story. And this seems more like a first chapter to me, not a prologue? Am I right? First chapter?
Great story! Looking forward to next part!
~Timmyjake, team mascot.(just kidding) I would be a good one, though!
Thanks for the review, it is definitely a prologue and seeing as it is The Fireflys I don't think it changes as it is an organization.
Oh, right. Sorry! Well, I noticed that because later on in the prologue, it is spelled Fireflies... So the other one was wrong, then? Your welcome!