Adrien In The Poppy Field

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

He was lying there. In the place where the birds sing. In the place where the poppies grow. The skies were blue, and bright as ever, the sun was warm and welcoming. Adrien was lying there. He reached his arm over his chest, and felt with his weary fingers, the round shape of the bullet. It came out of his shoulder with ease. Blood poored on the grass, the poppies that were red turned redder, and the blue sky was overwhelmed with clouds. He was dying. A bird flew over and sat on his hand. Adrien smiled. The bird sang. And as it sang, it grew louder and louder, and its tears poured on to his outstretched hand. The bird flew away. Adrien felt his eyes closing, the darkness consuming him. He wasn't afraid. An hour later, another bird came down. And another. These birds did not sing, and their feathers were long in black. Another hour goes by, and Adrien is nothing but a stain of blood, a scrap of flesh, and a well fed murder of crows. The sky clears.

Rewrite is here: Adrien In The Poppy Field [Rewrite]

Deadman here with a review for you today. Short, but very concise. You started to get dramatic too. Since I know that's what you are looking for I'll start with that. If you want it to be more dramatic, try to avoid the use of words like; Bullet, Blood, and Dying. That gives it away. Instead of using blood use something like "A crimson colored liquid poured onto the grass." Or "and felt with his weary fingers, a round metallic shape embedded into his shoulder."

There is so much you can do instead of writing, "He was dying." That's bland and the least dramatic thing possible. Try something like "His breaths became labored, and there was an overwhelming darkness consuming him. The chilling reality hit him, the darkness was nothing other than, death." Something like that makes it much more dramatic! Plus it goes into details and paints the image for us, rather than just outright saying, "He was dying." Bleh, that's bland and not dramatic, so try any create a picture, and that helps create drama. Okay, I'll jump into my nitpicks on grammar and such.

"He was lying there. In the place where the birds sing. In the place where the poppies grow. The skies were blue, and bright as ever, the sun was warm and welcoming. Adrien was lying there. " It's very repetitive with "was lying there" being there twice in such a short amount of time. My advice would be to remove the first, "He was lying there."

" the poppies that were red turned redder," This is okay, but we could fine tune it a little bit, by trying "the red poppies, turned a dark crimson, the same color that covered Adrien and the ground around him."

"Another hour goes by, and Adrien is nothing but a stain of blood, a scrap of flesh, and a well fed murder of crows. The sky clears." Two things about this one. First I'd like to comment about the "and a well fed murder of crows." Until now I thought the crows were picking away at Adrien's dead and dying body. The way that's worded it sounds like he killed the crows and ate a lot. So try and clean that up. My second issue is, "The sky clears." Sentence fragment and nothing after it! You could just leave off "The sky clears." and it would be fine.


Overall you've got a great start to a story, and I'm actually interested to see the rest as it develops. This part is beautifully written, but you can still make it more dramatic and less bland. (Don't worry, we all have the issue at some point or another.) I hope my review was helpful, and until next time, happy writing!



Cheers,




Deadman XD

I love excerpts!

If you want this to be as dramatic as possible, there are several things you can do to enhance the drama First of all, open in a more creative way.

Your starting line: 'He was lying there.' was really not very dramatic at all to be honest. there are so many other options to make this appear more exciting. And the first line is so important because it presents a first impression to the reader.
'in the place where the birds sing' is also not very dramatic. It is quite ambigious if that was what you are aiming for.
As of this point, we have no idea of what Adrien looks like, and that is really important for the reader to know, so you need to add in some character description.

Also, you need to break up the chunky paragraph you have here. Seperate your points and make the formatting look more professional.
The way you have varied the length of your lines if great but it has become too formulaic, almost predictable.
You need to make this dramatic by adding short sentences at appropritate moments, not littering the entire work with them..
With a bit of editing I feel like this piece has a lot of potential, but there are a few things that need to be fixed here first.

Good luck.