Adrien In The Poppy Field
An exerpt from "The Poppy Field", (a work in progress)
This is a rewrite of something I posted a little while ago.
Let me know what you think!
He was lying there. In the place where the birds sing. In the place where the poppies grow. The skies were blue, and bright as ever, the sun was warm and welcoming. In the grass, lay the outstreched body of Adrien, like a towel left out to dry. His short brown hair was soaked red with the liquid of his death, and his dark shirt was torn and stained. He reached his arm slowly over his chest, and felt with his weary fingers, a round metallic shape, embedded in his shoulder. It came out of with ease, and toppled onto the grass. The wound poured crimson onto the ground. The poppies that were red turned redder, and the blue sky was overwhelmed with clouds. Rain began to fall, and it camaflauged his tears. His breath was short and choppy, his vision blurred and fading. A small red bird flew overhead. It was singing, it was singing a said song, that grew louder and louder and echoed in the open field. The bird soared off, and thunder cracked as it fled through the clouds. Adrien felt his eyes closing, the darkness consuming him. Fear was shining in his squinting eyes. He carefully felt the grass with his aching fingers. It was so soft. Adrien choked. His eyelids collapsed, and his pulse slowed to a stop. An hour later, another bird came down. And another. These birds did not sing, and their feathers were long and black. Another hour went by, and Adrien was nothing but a stain of blood, a scrap of flesh, and the meal in the stomach of a well fed murder of crows. Anything that dared remain in that peaceful place was washed away from the rain. The poppies turned red again, and the rain stopped. The clouds parted. Birds were singing in the poppy field.
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2nd rewrite is here: Adrien In The Poppy Field [2nd Rewrite]
I did my best to follow everyone's advice, let me know what you think!
Hello Hadj! Here to do some reviewing. I don't have much time so I'm just gonna go over the first part.
I'm sorry that I don't have time to give you my opinion/critique on the rest of it. I hope I helped. 
And I certainly hope to see more of The Poppy Field.
I can't decide if I like the beginning or not. I think it really depends on where in The Poppy Field this takes place. Most places I would say that this is lovely. But if this is the beginning of the book then I think you need something a little more... um... unusual? Maybe if you moved "His short brown hair was soaked red with the liquid of his death" to the beginning, and then talked about where he was?
I liked the "In the place" part as well. But I think that starting both sentences the same way sounded a little off. I think it would be better if you either changed one of them, or added a few more sentences describing his surroundings that start with "In the place". That way it would sound more intentional, and rather poetic.
I really liked what you did from there, setting up the scene. I particularly liked this bit "like a towel left out to dry". I dunno why. I guess it's just a really good metaphor.
I like how you slowly ease into the fact that he is dying. But what is this small metallic shape? I automatically assume it's a bullet, but is it? At this point I don't know what time period this is set in, so I have no idea if bullets even exist.
I liked how you used "crimson" instead of blood. It was still clear that he was bleeding, but you don't sound as bland as most people do during death scenes.
"The poppies that were red turned redder" This sounds really forced. Try something like "The red poppies turned redder" Or maybe instead of saying "redder" give a specific shade of red, are they maroon or crimson? Or possibly say that the poppies had been yellow in the beginning, and now they turned red. I find that "redder" is rather unclear and hard to visualize.
Overall I really like this piece.
~WW
Hi, thanks for the review!
Just for some context,
-This Scene is near the end of the work (the entire framework for the story is setup, but I havent written every section leading up to this)
-Another character has already read in the newspaper that Adrien was shot, so yes, it is a bullet
-Time period is meant to be late 1800s, in England
I hope that helps your understanding
~Hadj
Hi!
But that's just a suggestion.
First of all I want to say I love the start! You begin describing such a sweet picture with the birds singing, blue skies, etc, everything which suggests a fairytale, and then you add this dying body of a young boy into the reader's mind which was extremely effective and really gave the reader a shock with the contrast, so well done!
Just a suggestion, I would in fact, try to even add more suspense... so don't introduce the boy immediately as diying. Describe him, without talking about his wound yet so the reader thinks he's just admiring the landscape for example, and then drop the bombshell!
Here are some errors I found:
Take out the comma in between "fingers" and "a round".
Hmm... I wouldn;t use "redder" as a word here. Try reformulating this phrase.
*camouflaged
*sad song
Careful with this. First you say he closed his eyes and then you say they shine with fear. Maybe just replace the sentences so write: "Fear was shining in his squinting eyes. Adrien felt them closing, the darkness consuming him."
Oh my god, that ending
I really did like your piece! Amazing the contrast from the start to the end...
Keep writing!
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it. I'll be sure to edit in all of those corrections, except possibly the edit out of the word redder because poppies are meant to symbolize death, and I wanted to emphasize the fact that they were already the color of his blood (also why I had them "turn red again" at the end, when they were already red to begin with). As for increasing suspense at the beginning, that might be hard. This is just an exerpt, and in the full text, you have already read in a newspaper that Adrien was shot. Maybe I could do this without mentioning his name until later though.
Thanks again
~Hadj
No problem and thanks for replying to my suggestions!