I didn't want to sink, not at first.
I was swimming, swimming away from my past. I thought it was a good thing to do in that instant. Stupid options.
What was I thinking? I'll go on a swim at night with no flashlight or anything! What could possibly go wrong?
A lot. A lot could go wrong. Such as drowning. Yup, that might occur. And it did.
So now I'm looking at light dancing around, and I'm sinking, too worn out to stir. Fair warning: swimming is tiring. Oh, and it inflicts this thing our lips call 'dying'. That's what I'm doing now.
Possibly it's for my own good. Living just wasn't my kind of thing.
My vision is going black, my lungs gasping for air. I'm too far away to win.
So long, World.
I wish I could miss you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
WOO HOO! Go cheetah! I knew this would he on the spotlight!
XD Thank you so much! I'm so happy!
Cheetah, this is a very disturbing story, are you okay?
I love everything about this story. You say so much about this character. In just one scene, you describe the who, what, when, and where of the story.
I would love to see you add on this. Don't get me wrong, I love the story as it is, but I would love a back story. What were the events leading up to this poor kids death? Why was he thinking lwhat he was thinking?
Awesome story Cheetah, can't wait for another.
Thanks! Actually, I showed this to a friend and had to comfort her that I wasn't suicidal or anything! And I think I will expand it a bit, I was just rushed on time.
Thanks again!
Hey there Cheetah! I'm here to return the favour on you reviewing my work!
I really liked reading this! No wonder it got on the spotlight! I like the very casual manner to drowning in this short story. It seems very funny and kind of lessens the fact that this character is going to die. It's kind of like: "Well I'm stupid, kill me water!". Very amusing!
I'm not gonna nitpick on spelling or grammar or anything small like that because I think you can handle it and others probably have taken care of any!
My only suggestion is that each paragraph is quite thin. Your pacing is very good but I think there is still room to bulk it up without ruining the simplicity and humour of this. That's all I really think could be improved.
If you want ignore my review! Your work your rules! Overall, love the humour, love the structure; just love it! XD
See you Cheetah!
Thank you for the wonderful review!
This is amazing. I can't even review it, it's that good. You've done such a great job! ^_^
-CFG
Thank you so much!
unsolved mystery, suspence, wanting more EEEP I LOVE IT! you portrayed the challenge of not usuing any E's very well! well i obviously didnt die, but i know how it feels to drown, and trust me excactly like this (obviously half way through reading this you realized i cant spell) overall great short!
Thank you!
Heggo! XD
This is a great piece.
The use of the first person makes it seem more attainable in terms of relatability.
eg. 'I was swimming, swimming away from my past'. Also in this line you have used repetition and it makes your point appear more boldly.
The work itself is quite short and easy to swallow. You don't drone on about one detail too much, the focus is evenly distributed. So pacing is good.
'Possibly it's for my own good. Living just wasn't my kind of thing. ' This is obviously quite a dark, almost melancholy work. But that's part of its charm.
'I wish I could miss you.' This is very striking as a last line and it made me feel very thoughtful.
Good writing.
*RAWR*
Thanks for the review!
Anytime.
I love this. It doesn't state any reason for this person wanting to leave. They just do. It adds a bit of mystery that just shouldn't be solved--like we should find our own reasons for wishing we could sink.
This has a feeling of resolution. As if the character knows what will happen and despite what struggles or confliction they may have come across, they embraced the idea of just...going. (I don't know if I'm expressing this properly, so pardon my language.)
It was a great read with loads of emotions thrown at the reader. I hope to read more from you soon!
-DarkHeart
Thank you!