Years pass in skyline domes,
Where men watch,
And wait,
For the world to catch,
Vision.
And fade,
From nothingness,
Into Existence.
-
Blanketing the depths,
Of hearts,
And souls,
Cold sheets of frost,
Clash,
And fall,
To the emptiness,
Which presides.
-
Where once was lain,
Hearts of Rust,
In coffers,
Of silver and gold.
Broken,
And torn,
Nameless stones,
Forgotten.
-
As ink blots,
On papyrus,
Crumbled to ashes,
So do life's echoed strains,
Rising,
And perspiring,
Into ebony cumulus,
And rain.
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Ahhh very good!!!(: talented
Hi there, AE! I decided to review this because I see that you're out and about reviewing lots of people's things and giving them really good advice. ^_^
I think you mean "Where once lay"I really like all the images in this poem. It's ethereal and lovely. It's fragile, like glass figurines. Very nice imagery, really.
That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address.
I don't usually address format, but in this poem, it matters. Because of the short lines, I have two suggestions:
1) left align the piece. As it is, my eyes have to make more effort to read the poem.
2) I don't usually suggest changes to capitalization, but because the lines are so short, I suggest only capitalizing at the beginnings of sentences, as in prose.
If we do that, we already have a much nicer looking poem. The visual aspect of poetry is just as important as the meaning and the imagery.
The next thing I'd like to say is that you don't need a comma at the end of every line, and I don't think you should have them at the end of every line. Commas make the reader pause, and you don't need that. I want to be able to focus more on the imagery of this piece than the rhythm, but the commas make me think about rhythm.
I'd also make your lines longer. Combine shorter, one-word lines with longer lines (either add them to the end of the previous, or the beginning of the next, or split the preceding or the following line-- it's up to you) unless you're looking for particularly large impact. Generally, when a word takes up a whole line, it is heavy. It is given special emphasis because it has its own line. You have a lot of one word lines, and the impact wears off when you use a device too often.
That whole stanza needs a little work, actually. It's a sentence fragment. It would be easily fixed by adding "now lay" before "broken."
You've got some tense confusion here. The first line of the two is in past tense, but the second is in present. I suggest that both be in present tense, though that's your choice.
I love the last stanza. It's beautiful and haunting.
This poem was a pleasure to review. If you have any questions or comments, don't hesitate to message me! I hope that this proves useful to you. Happy writing!
Hello!
This was a very interesting poem!
Now I'm not quite sure what it was about, but for some reason it made me think of war, and also the song "On Wings of Steel" by Triarii. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1eud16Psgw )
Okay, so you have a lot of disjointed images tied together by the same undertone of these things rising and stuff. The images are nice and beautiful and powerful, but if you had like, a story line or something (and maybe you do) or a message/moral/whatever, this would be that much cooler and that much more powerful.
What is the reader supposed to take away from this? What will they remember about this particular poem? As it is now, I'm not sure I would remember this, or quote it years from now.
So really, you have astounding images, really beautifully descriptive words. Keep those, and then just add something. Not sure what, but find your meaning. Find what called you to write this, and record its story.
Great words though really! Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
You chose an interesting title. Though I don't agree, I did like the way the words flow and the imaging you gave it in your simple verse. This is beautifully written.
What is there to not agree about?
I don't think the title does it's justice for the story.
Ah, I see. If you have any suggestions, I'm listening.
hello
so i'm here again for a review
i have almost the same notes that i said about the other poem ( Out of Water Experience )
but what i wanna add is that the descriptions and the imagery in this poem gave it a richness and elegance .
another thing is the rhyme in the beginning and the end * well done *
this is my favourite part :
" Where once was lain,
Hearts of Rust,
In coffers,
Of silver and gold.
Broken,
And torn,
Nameless stones,
Forgotten. "
happy writing