z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Middle of Nowhere, Pt. 3

by fictional


Three thousand and seventy-two miles east of the zoo, something else was happening altogether.

"I know you're in there," the dim voice muttered, "what have you got to fear?"

More than you'd think.

The soundless room was dimmer than the voice and three times as loud. It had infinite possibilities of getaway. Crawl out the window, break down the walls, fall asleep, hypnotize yourself into believing you've escaped, open the already unlocked back door and run off into the grass beyond…

There was a foolish young creature in the room. She sat in the midst of the gloom and did as much as a desktop lamp owned by an insomniac writer does during the night.

Ellis was breathing! Maintaining a heartbeat! Existing! And exerting all mental effort toward an important task: ignoring.

Dawnlight crawled through the window, a lonely pastel wash, trying to say something important. A messenger. It breathed over the room in its warm, rueful watercolor voice and was too quiet to be audible.

Beauty did absolutely nothing to help the mood.

You see, Ellis needed to be found even though her whereabouts were perfectly known.

"Come out already! How hard could it be?" was the dim voice, still dim but somewhat louder. "Nothing bad's gonna happen to you. I just havta ask you a question." It was a man's voice, not too deep and not too high - but not just right, either.

There was silence again.

"Please? I promise, it won't hurt at all. Words can't hurt you, especially not the decent ones."

Ellis frowned, but no one saw her anyway.

"Why are you so scared?"

Crickets chirped.

"Open the door, girl! I'm not an ax-murderer!"

"I – I can't." That was what she wanted to say, stutter and all, but it remained a thought.

"I guess I'll have to use other means. You can gasp all you'd like."

So the guy left for a few minutes. Ellis breathed a little louder now. Why hadn't she moved, why hadn't she opened that back door and run off? It would be so simple. He'd never know of her absence; in fact, he probably didn't know for sure that she was there in the first place, thanks to her personal mute-button. Uncertainty. It was everywhere. It dullened the air, a lethal, dizzying vapor.

Just as Ellis was about to twist the doorknob that would have led to her escape, he came back. Keys clinked metal-on-metal till the right one was found. The exclusive sound of an opening lock was accompanied by him swinging open the…

door.

Was she there? His name was Jim and he was the janitor. The management told him a little girl was locked inside one of the hotel rooms by mistake, and his job was to rescue her. Now I get to be a hero, he thought. They never notice the janitor.

Jim really did have a question for the 8-year-old. The problem was, he wasn't very good with words. And he did sound kind of like an ax-murderer, although he certainly didn't mean to.

"How'd you get locked in here?" he wanted to say. "Why were you trapped in here for four days before they found out about you, and why'm I the only one who regards this as more than a janitorial task?"

Well, the first question was really the only one he meant to ask her, but he said all of them anyway now. Jim's words trailed as he realized that the back door was open.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"What's happening?!" you seethe. "How in the world can all these confusing and pointless bits of nothing have anything to do with each other whatsoever? I don't get it!"

I sympathize with you only because I would be doing the same thing at this point if I were you. I apologize for the muddy water, so to speak, but I don't have a filter with me right now, so you'll have to wallow through the unpurified junk and hope for the best. I will not stop making a metaphor out of everything. Don't throw this at anybody (violence is not the answer), especially if it's on a screen. Just imagine it if it makes you feel any better. You have every right to stop reading. Go ahead. My feelings won't be hurt.

There is no such thing as an end.


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Fri Jan 31, 2014 6:11 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Fictional!

So I read the other parts before reading this one, and it didn't take me long at all so I didn't mind. What I can say is that I love your use of metaphors and style of writing. You aren't putting any extra words in there, but you still make the story so descriptive and easy to imagine, so yes, I like how you write.

Now in the second part you mentioned how you are going to try and make this more of a story and less of random jumblings. I think this is the right time to do it because as the previous reviewer said, there are only so many amounts of random a reader can take. You've got a lot in there, and in my view as a reader this child is imagining things and picturing them while some things are happening in real life. Like in real life Miranda's not there, and they've been caged up for four days and just got free... but they're imaging the zoo and purple trees. Right now the main character is having some struggling discerning between the real world and fantasy, and in my minds eye it would be great if it all went back to normal when they find Miranda.

Also, here you suddenly start using the name Ellis. Is she the main character that's always been I previously? It's not a good idea to change tense halfway into a story, so if you want to use Ellis and make her female, then you should edit the previous parts to match it too. I always though the main character was a he but oh well :P You should really clarify on that. Also, another thing to help stability would be to show us more of their and Miranda's friendship. Like, flashbacks of time spent together or something. I'm sure they played imaginary games so again you can incorporate randomness into there, but it would be more stable too.

Those were a couple of tips for some more stability but still the fun side of writing this. Let me know if you put more parts up on my wall or something, I would enjoy reading them ^^

Deanie x




fictional says...


Thank you for the excellent advice :) Ellis is actually a different character altogether, perhaps I should make it more clear. E.g. start it out with "3072 miles away..."

Again, thank you so much for everything that you've reviewed, you give amazing critiques.



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Thu Jan 30, 2014 1:41 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Hi!! Knight Silver here to review for you!!!

So I've read your other piece and can sort of claim I know what's going on as I type this review. I'm going to be honest here but this is just my opinion so please don't take any kind of offence to it.

Ok so here's the thing: there's only so much confusing scenarios a reader can take before they lose interest. If your going to make most of your pieces confusing you have to at least provide a railing for the reader to have a firm grip on. There needs to be a reason for us to read the story, whether you've strewn clues around or made your character very relatable and/or exciting to read, there needs to be something to make us want to finish the piece. The original piece that you wrote was fantastic because you have the themes of "nobody" and "nowhere" which held our interest. The rest for me have been basically blind confusion.

I still think your story has lots of potential, it's just that by now things have to start making sense. I know that it's your story and it's up to you but I'm speaking from a readers point of view. Maybe it makes sense to you because it's in your head but at the moment us readers are kind of lost.

Saying that I did love your original piece and I do want to find out what's really going on. I hope I haven't sounded too harsh, I'm just trying to help. :) Happy writing!!

Silverlock




fictional says...


No, that's not harsh at all! Thank you for being honest - I definitely need to work on this story. I'm glad to know what I need to improve - reviews like yours are the most helpful of all :)




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