The first sentence didn't make much sense. The clauses didn't go together. Instead of making it into one long sentence you could've made it into three separate sentences, to create the atmosphere for the scene.
"Such a great man she thought to herself ....." The sentence took a lot of breath to read. It would've been better to add in some punctuation or make them into separate sentences. Where you had used a number of adjectives there could be commas used to split them up.
One of the sentences is a paragraph long, but it has good description.
I know it's an obvious point, but it's not written out in the script form. It is written in story form.
Over with the moaning, let's move on to the pros:
-good use of vocabulary.
Keep up the good work ^_^
Points: 1001
Reviews: 47
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