Young Writers Society

Such an intriguing poem.
You have some fantastic, interesting lines oging on here.
" mate with chee chilip chee chilip calls,
almost the same noise that sickly doorway hinges".
Personally, the lines above were my favorite part of the poem. The use of sound, sensation and the link to other objects enhances the piece and makes the reader more able to relate to the piece.
"Your mango skin" and "motions would become termites in your wooden heart" created obscure, powerful images in my mind.
You've crafted such a mysterous, inventive poem that I almost wish there were more of it, so I could get some sort of explanation for the strange vocabulary you have used. However, as it is, the piece is delightful and very clever. I enjoyed it a lot. Well done

This is an unusual, intriguing poem, and I've never read anything quite like this before. It made me think, and you did a marvelous job of exposing a topic that isn't used too often, but is an important one.

The metaphors and descriptions, and emotions, are marvelous - keep up the good work.

Nitpicks

You used the word "bloated" in two parts:

His lips were bloated whenever he spoke words.

Bloated freckles couldn't defend your rights.

This is a very interesting poem. I think you do something kind of unique with how you talk about mentors as these lying people who really might not be telling you the truth, or they might be. There are some images in here which are truthful, and some which are not. The more you read the poem, the more you begin to question things that the mentor is telling the child.

I feel like you need to sort of weave in more reality to this poem. Try to talk more about the actual experiences this individual is having which may or may not contradict the mentor. You've go the voice of the mentor in here, but now we need to see reality in order to actually compare what we know, with what the speaker knows and determine what reality this is in. After all, all poetry could be fantasy. There's nothing stopping it from residing in a realm that is not our own, just like there is nothing stopping books. You have some indications in here which could point to that being the case here.

almost the same noise that sickly doorway hinges

moan out to passerby.

Great Job! I love how well you describe "The Mentor". You really do get pictures in your head. OK, down to the review.
This phrase here:

"almost the same noise that sickly doorway hinges

moan out to passerby."

I think that it would sound better if you said: "moan out to passersby." It gives it that plural sound that it really needs if you're going to use the verb "moan" in the singular sense.

"Canes have the heads of lions.

Gears turn counterclockwise, get rusted and burn.

Tricycles are puce colored with bloated tires."


Here I think it would be better to say: "get rusted and burnt." Also, the word "puce" is spelled "puke." Typo here, perhaps?

On a more positive note, I really love the last line.

"Careful.

He is paying the price for playing god."

All in all, I think that this is a great piece and I can't wait to see more of your work!

Ooo, I really love the descriptive words and the way you describe everything. I had pictures through my mind as I read everything! I like it! It DEFINITELY inspired me.