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Listening to a heartbeart

by LordGreenleaf


Your arms around my neck,

My heart beating so fast,

In that moment I feel like,

There's no chance we won't last.

Swaying gently,

Dancing with no tune,

Our path lit,

By the fullness of the moon.

Words have no meaning,

Only your beating heart,

Tells me how you feel,

And what you want to start.

So lets stay like this,

Till nights takes the day,

And I can be a part of you,

Because you keep the fears at bay.


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Points: 620
Reviews: 16

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Wed Jan 29, 2014 3:12 am
wretchednot wrote a review...



Hello there.I just wanted to say I very much enjoyed reading this poem.I loved how you used all the right words in all the right places.
And I loved the rhyme scheme.It makes the poem sound more like a song I could find myself humming to it.
I do hope you'll continue writing more poems like this.I would absolutely love to read them over and over!
Especially if it's a bit song like.
So overall I found this poem very good and absolutely lovely!
it reminds me of something I hope to feel some day.
I hope you continue writing more.
Keep writing!




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12 Reviews


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Sun Jan 19, 2014 3:55 am
Kaity wrote a review...



Hello(:

Kaity here to review!

First off I think this describes the feeling we all crave perfectly. It's short and sweet and captures the essence of love in it's simplest form. It has a really great flow to it and it's easy to follow the rhythm of this poem. I honestly wasn't expecting much because it was so short, but it was well worth reading!! Keep up the good work(:






Thank you! :)



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Thu Jan 16, 2014 3:06 pm
LovelyStars17 says...



I love this! I think you did a great job with the rhythm of this and the rhyme too!! Keep up the good work!!






Thanks!:)



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Thu Jan 16, 2014 1:59 pm
harrington wrote a review...



Hi there,

So I'll start off with my first thoughts. I thought it was sweet and I understood your intentions and the message you were trying to give, which is always a good thing. You made it clear what you wanted to say, and you said it.

My favourite line that stood out was 'So lets stay like this, till nights take the day.' But it should be 'So let's stay like this, until night takes the day.'

This brings me on to minor mistakes. Make sure you know your contractions, so 'lets' should be 'let's' because it's short for 'let us.'

Also, you don't always need commas in poetry. You should use them like you would in a prose really. So, this line here 'I feel like, there's no chance we won't last.' doesn't need a comma because it's not two separate clauses.

OK, so anyway, like I said, I thought it was sweet. I would consider reading it out loud to see where it flows or doesn't. And like the other reviewer said, try not to make it sound cliche. You've used an awful lot of lines just to say 'You arms are around me in this night, and I like to think this love will never end.'

Good job though, and it's got potential so just consider re drafting and re submitting. It also helps if you read poetry/novels.

- H.L.P




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Thu Jan 16, 2014 2:49 am
AEChronicle wrote a review...



It's not a bad poem, honestly, but it sounds to much like a modern pop-country song, which has been used far to many times. It just keeps repeating itself, and there's not a lot of real depth to it. The "words have no meaning." If you get my meaning.

But other than that, it's a classic example of a classic poem. Overdone? Maybe, but they never get old and we will always keep going back to them. It just reminds me of an older, classic romance novel, like Jane Eyre or Pride and Prejudice,

"Swaying gently,

Dancing with no tune,

Our path lit,

By the fullness of the moon."

I actually like the feel of this type of poetry, since it's not all over the place.

Thank you LordGreenleaf!






Thank you, and I do agree with your points once I've read over it.




cron
There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker