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Porcelain Hearts

by Forestqueen808


Black walls and black eyes

Her lips were tainted

With the prints of lovers

Whose presence died

With dark rooms and closed doors

Peering at black souls

His eyes became his downfall

Shimmering with emotions past

Liquid lies filling like oil

Into the pupils black

Black doors and black nails

They traced each others hands

Fingers crawling, carving

Names of long lost lovers

Into pale porcelain.

Clawing at black hearts


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205 Reviews


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Reviews: 205

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Wed Jan 15, 2014 3:45 pm
AEChronicle wrote a review...



"Fingers crawling, carving
Names of long lost lovers
Into pale porcelain."

I love the imagery that this brings to mind, dark and gloomy, memories of the past that come back to haunt you. The poem has a foreboding feel, yet, it's not overpowering, which is why I like it. The only criticism I have is regarding the line, "Shimmering with emotions past." It doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the poem, which has the dark, black aura. The word shimmering makes me think of brightness and light, to much of it. It seems out of place, since the emotions are supposed to be coming from the past.

Just a suggestion, but switching the word with glinting or glimmer or something that is more, temporary, would tie it all together. But, it's a really good poem.

Thank you Forestqueen808




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Wed Jan 15, 2014 6:55 am
HostofHorus wrote a review...



Hey there!

This was good, I loved the imagery of the black on white porcelain and of all the other black things. It created a mood. There are just a few things I have to suggest.

1. I talked about how the mood felt good. This is true. You did a good job. I can't help but feel you could have done an even better job though! Poetry is all about weighted words and descriptive language, some of these words are a little emptier than they could be. One example might be the following line:

"Liquid lies filling like oil"

You don't need to take my word exactly but when I first read this I really wanted to change the word "filling" to something like "dripping" it creates a little heavier feel, a darker feel, one that coincides better with all this black!

That's just one example, you're the author. I suggest taking a fine tooth comb and some tweezers and searching for any other spots where you can pluck a word out and place a better one in if you want to make this fantastic! Play surgery!

2. Formatting/punctuation.

For reasons I have never been able to comprehend, punctuation is so often forgotten in poetry. It is still literature! It still needs punctuation! What's more is punctuation can add even more to the mood and feel if you use it right! I count 2 punctuation marks, and I actually love where they are placed. They make the reader pause, they add emphasis to the words before and after them. Try to replicate that throughout the poem. Another good formatting option is dashes ( these ---). They make the reader pause for an even longer time. One area where I wanted to pause for example was in the following line:

"Into the pupils black"

When I read it, I really wanted put some emphasis on the word black. If it were me, I might have formatted it as follows:

"Into the pupils -- black."

Or I might have even bumped the word black down and given it its own line. Does that make sense?

You've got a really nice piece here, now it's just time for a little revising so it can be even better. If you have any questions or need clarification on something, please feel free to ask! Thanks for the great read.

-HostofHorus




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Wed Jan 15, 2014 6:43 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Hey there, Subtle here for a review!

First of all, allow me to say, the title is simply splendid! Nicely done, it reeled me in. Porcelain hearts, it reminds me of something fragile, precocious but could be broken at the slightest touch. Now, on with the review!

I have noticed you have used some punctuation in your poem, but I believe in this poem. It could benefit from more punctuation as it will illustrate and covey your message across to the readers better. As this is a rather dynamic poem. Also, the use of stanzas might be helpful here too.

There is a constant rhythm in this poem that makes it enjoyable and easy to read, so well done on that note!

I noticed you have used:

Black walls and black eyes
Black in here twice, but that's fine as it creates a somewhat lyrical feel to it.

But here,
Peering at black souls
I suggest you go for another word. Refer to the thesaurus! How about words like tainted? Flawed?

Into the pupils black

Black doors and black nails


Too much black, once again.

They traced each others hands
I believe an apostrophe is missing in the others.

Names of long lost lovers
Nice alliteration.

Into pale porcelain.

Clawing at black hearts


The ending was quite interesting, however. I believe once again that, perhaps black could be substituted for a better word.

Good job! Best of luck in your future writing!

-S.s





I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.
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