“Dylan, Dylan!” A pair of firm hands shook him gently, as wisps of dream fluttered off his eyelids. Groaning groggily, he winced from the bright sunlight that managed to creep around the silhouette standing in front of him.
‘My God.” He moaned, rolling blindly into the shadows, before wincing from the hard floorboards. “Are you trying to kill me here, Vicky?”
She laughed merrily, relentlessly pulling him up. “If I wanted you dead, I would’ve left you on the floorboards.” Ignoring the grumble from him as she propelled him out of the room, she spoke again, a low murmur laced with concern. “What happened, Dylan?”
“I really don't know.” He stumbled awkwardly into the bathroom, trying to fight through the haze of pain throbbing in his pain, and the bundle of clothes Vicky just threw into his face.
She threw him another worried look before closing the door softly, feeling like an old man waking up on the side of the road. He trudged wearily into the small shower stall, and turned on the knob closest to his hand. He let out a small squeak as powerful cold jets of water blasted down on him, sputtering with surprise and finally awake. He stripped of his clothes and dumped them on the floor carelessly, adjusting the water until warm steam fogged up the mirrors surrounding the shower and commercial soap bubbles that gurgled beneath his crumpled clothes. Sighing contently, he dragged a hand through hardened tresses and groaned in appreciation when the last of the hair gel finally vanished in a small gurgle. He hated that stuff, if it weren’t for the assignment he’d have never put it on in the first place. He pulled the clothes on roughly, before padding downstairs eagerly. Where delicious butter scent wafted out from the kitchen, he spotted Vicky flipping pancakes by an ancient stove top and John, typical John with his eyes glued to his MacBook Air.
“Morning, Dylan. How was your night on the floorboards?” John glanced up briefly, a glint of mischief in his midnight blue eyes before typing something on his laptop.
He pointedly ignored the question; and plopped down onto one of the chairs. “I think I might have amnesia.”
“What?” A duo of concerned voices bombarded him; there was a pause of activity in the air.
“Um,” he shifted uneasily in his chair, “I can’t remember anything about last night.”
“That’s because you slept through the whole car ride.” The tension leeched out into the warm, humid air outside and the buzz resumed.
“I meant how I spent my night on the floorboards. There was like just huge gap between when I discovered dead rats in the closet and waking in on floorboards.”
“Maybe you just blacked out because you were too tired and besides everything’s covered in plastic in your room.” Vicky pointed out the logical answer with a matter-of-fact voice while sliding two pancakes onto his plate. But there was something, there was someone there. But he just couldn’t quite remember who or what it is a memory that has been concealed in layers and layers of disguise. He shivered despite the heat in their kitchen.
After a few minutes of companionable silence and chewing, Dylan spoke through a mouthful of pancake and maple syrup. “So, what’s the plan for today?”
“We’re going shopping.”
There was a sudden ominous silence at the table, followed by the sound of Dylan choking.
“Wait, what?” He spluttered and wiped his mouth with his sleeve, “shopping?”
“Do you have a problem with that?” Vicky levelled an icy stare at him, and he gulped, shaking his head while kicking John under the table for smirking at him.
“Man, this relocation sucks.” He groaned as soon as Vicky disappeared from the kitchen to do the laundry, “where are you guys setting up your base?”
“We don’t know really,” he pushed his glasses up in a rather nervous way, a sign he was troubled or nervous. “The wi-fi here is almost non-existent and also, the basement is tiny. We’re really going to have to fix this house up a little.”
Dylan sighed softly, blowing away a strand of hair from his eyes. “I still don’t get the point of this; I mean this assignment really has no objective to it.”
John’s midnight blue eyes flashed dangerously as he looked at Dylan, “You know there’s been an abnormal increase in paranormal activity since this girl appeared on our meters.”
“Well, yes I know. But these things happen from time to time, John.” He deadpanned.
“There has been a significant increase in elemental activity, do you realize what this means?” His voice was icy calm, like the calm before a storm.
“Actually, as a matter of fact, I don’t!” He growled lightly, one hand gripping the table tightly.
“It means that, Dylan. Something big is coming,” John glanced away for a moment, making sure Vicky wasn’t present before continuing in a low voice. “The elementals live up to their name, they control aspects of nature that could affect our world significantly and the thing is, they aren’t bad. Most of them, if they’re stirring these things, that means something will happen.”
“And the agency thinks this girl might be connected to it?”
John nodded and glanced at the doorway again. “Look here, Dylan. A lot of people don’t know about this, it would cause a lot of anxiety and we can’t have that. Especially Vicky, you know Vicky ever since we did our first assignment years ago. So don’t tell her this, alright?”
Dylan didn’t like this John, the serious one that he has seen glimpses of during their time over the past six years. So he could only nod as Vicky came back into the kitchen, wearing a smile that faltered as she sensed the tension in the air.
“Come on, is not that bad, is it?” She pouted lightly, shopping bags in one hand.
John chuckled lightly before hustling Vicky out, “Dylan’s just sulking because there are skeletons in his closet.”
It would have been funny, except for the meaning it conveyed to Dylan. The kitchen was no longer warm, instead he thought back to the icy night many years ago.
‘Indeed,’ He thought with a heart that shrivelled like the plants outside, ‘ I have just more than few dead rat skeletons in my closet.’
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Here again for a review of your second chapter.
In the beginning, just a little something in description when Dylan woke up and look at Vicky could be great. Just to know more than she's named Vicky. Not a whole look/outfit description (like I did in my first episode), but just a small thing, hair, eye color, shape of her face, anything.
In fact, just do with Vicky what you do with John, who got a little something about his eyes when he first appear in the chapter. Exactly that way.
You've waited the second chapter to introduce Vicky & John, even if you spoke about them in the first one. That's a good way of doing. Little by little.
You introduce some elements about the elemental (aha) through a dialogue between Dylan and John. That's a tricky way of doing, because it could really cause a problem for the reader (at least me) when you deliver information that way. If it's something so evident that both characters should already know about it, then it sounds really artificial. But, it's ok, you're doing it well (and it's not that easy).
The whole chapter is good. Besides what I point, you made a lively scene, something where we feel the characters are living, feeling. That's good. And you're adding slowly layers of mystery, both about the elemental and the main character, making me waiting for the next chapter of that story.
Oh dear..
I am so sorry this took so long. I saved this review as a draft and thought I'd posted it already quite a while ago.. I apologise for that >.<
As you know, I liked Chapter One, so I'm really glad to see you're continuing this (and I hope you will after this chapter too) :3
I'll go with some nitpicks first.
In his..head, I believe?
Who's feeling that way here, Vicky or Dylan? Or the door..? I'm guessing Dylan, but in that case this sentence doesn't work. You have the subject, She (Vicky), and the rest is logically referring to her.
If that was your intention, however, I find it odd. Though these chapters are in third person, they're focused on Dylan's point of view, and a random mention of internal state of another character just feels strange.
Also, you have "threw" just in the line before this one, making it somewhat redundant. Consider rewording one of those, perhaps.
Furthermore, when he's in the shower.. as much as I recall, they just got to this creepy old house. If he has ever been anywhere before, he should know to check the water and let it flow for a while before letting it as much as touch his skin. Especially since he's also been dealing with some paranormal things
I'd suggest italics instead of bold. It'd emphasise it enough, without screaming the word at the readers
This might be a personal preference, but I'd reword this as well. Maybe to something like
“Actually," he/Dylan growled lightly, one hand gripping the table, "as a matter of fact, I don’t!”
I think it would simply go better with the exclamation mark, because the description of what he does sort of makes the dramatic tone and the action of his voice less important. If that makes any sense..
I think I'm done quoting. However, I do have a few more things to say..
If the three of them have been working together for years, how comes Vicky can't reach the same conclusion John did, the one that they can't share with her because it'd "cause anxiety"? It seems more logical to me that she'd be aware of that as well.
Another thing that's bugging me a little is how nonchalant they are about Dylan fainting and not remembering things.. The way you wrote it makes sense if they were three friends on a camping trip, unsuspecting of anything, but they're agents who know of these things. I think they should be more suspicious of things like that.
Actually, if he just fainted, without having told them he's going to sleep or anything alike, wouldn't they go look for him after a while? Granted, though, maybe he can't remember and he actually did tell them he's alright and he's going to sleep, but he isn't aware of that because the glass girl did something to his mind or something like that. That might even be pretty cool, and I wouldn't mind as much if Dylan only found out about that later - but then he could wonder now how comes they didn't find it odd.
Unlike most of the other reviewers, it seems, I wouldn't call this chapter better than the last one. Some things are starting to get clearer, there's some characterisation of Vicky and John and their relationships, but the first one had a stronger feeling of mystery and magic going though it, and I enjoyed that more. Perhaps if they'd figured they must explore the house and clean up, rather than going shopping, I would've preferred this chapter to the first one, because it'd maybe keep the atmosphere. I'm not sure, though.
By the way, may I ask how old all three of them are supposed to be? They seem quite young, but then again they've been working together for a while and they seem to be imagined as experienced agents, so they can't be as young as I imagine them, can they?
All in all, to stop the rambling, this was a solid chapter which can use some improvement. There was nothing huge or unfixable in it, though some things should be polished and thought through a bit more. I do hope to see more characterisation and find out more about their history and people they work for, as well as the glass girl and the elementals, in the next chapters
You have a very nice style, which flows greatly, and your dialogues seem natural enough and not forced, which is always a good thing! Do let me know when the next chapter is up, though I'll be stalking you even if you stay silent O_O
Aria~
This chapter is better, but you still need to work on some of the issues that i addressed in your first chapter.
1. Paragraph lengths should be cut down in size. Split it into smaller ones if needed.
2. Make sure that your sentences make sense. Read them out loud to yourself as you type. Make sure that your sentences make sense grammatically also.
3. Just make sure that you don't go off plot for something. Everything needs to flow together smoothly.
Why hello there Laure! I'm sorry for the late response, but I'm finally here to review!
OK, so I found this chapter much more interesting than the last! But there are several things that really threw me off, and as I see that GriffinKeeper has already covered that in detail, I won't repeat the same. Let me cover the technical stuff, then?
First off, there's:
I think this should be:
Then there's:
You used two adverbs here, both of them together. The sentence doesn't read right somehow, and I have a feeling this would be better as:
Or you could merely cut "merrily" out instead of restructuring the sentence. It's up to you!
So anyway, keep up the great work! Do tell me when the next chapter is up!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
One of the consequences of Dylan ignoring the Vicky and John in the first chapter is that we have no idea about their characters when the second chapter starts. Slowing down in the first chapter as I suggested would allow this chapter to be better developed when you got to this point.
Some things seem out of place. The guy has been unconscious for sometime, as if they let him sleep through the night. But this doesn't make sense. If he suddenly became unconscious, then the others would undoubtedly go looking for him and wake him the moment they found him, not wait until morning.
Vicky and John seem to be very stupid. One sentence, they are describing how Dylan slept on the car ride over. The next, they're suggesting that he fell asleep on hard wood from exhaustion! They should be much more mindful of coincidences if they're hunting an elemental.
The relationship they have with one another doesn't seem very well defined. Are they partners? Is Dylan in charge of them? Or are they his wardens?
The whole amnesia seems too convenient and inaccurate. Rather then use that, I think it would be more interesting if the glass maiden actually gave Dylan some information that would lead him to think that he was being set up.
Ahh...I see. Thank you so much, Griff! I really appreciate this!
Hi! I enjoyed chapter 1, so I thought that I'd read this too, and I've noticed a definite improvement. If you continue at this tate then whoa... the end of this will be totally epic.
Just a general suggestion, you might want to start increasing the length of these chaptera as you get further into the story... short chapters are alright at the staet, and as it's a novella the chapters can be a little shorter than those in a novel, but maybe a little longer than the above.
I think that in this chapter you've found the feel of the story and have developed a consistent voice. There were fewer little errors and the flow was nice and smooth.
On the amnesia that Dylan experiences, don't drag it on too long. A couple of chapters, tops, or the eeader might get bored with it. Just a little cautionary message there.
The only thing I really want to point out is about the dialogue.
The "s" in bold should be capitalised there. When separating a character's lines in this matter, the second bit of talking should begin with a capital.
Really well done on this, and I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Thank you!
Hey there,
Dreamy here to review. This chapter was good, than the previous one, I'd say. What annoyed me was the fact that there were too many mystery hidden in every paragraphs and in between the lines. And it felt like I have missed a very important point. It was all confusing at a point and clear at some but again got confused. Did you write this in a hurry? Okay, something, I'd like you to have another look,
Vicky is watching Dylan worriedly and you are comparing it with a poor old man walking in the road. The idea of comparing her worried look she throws to that of, how she will look at an old man in the road, is an wonderful idea. But the way you have not really made it clear in the narration. You have not said it in a clear way.
Again, this was not said clearly. That is a sign of weakness which John shows when he is nervous. And I'm just assuming that. And you can never allow your readers to assume the facts for which you need to be clear.
I like the mystery you are providing and I can't wait to see them all get solved, in a more narrative and elaborative manner. Good luck.
Keep writing!!!
Cheers!!!
Thanks Dreamy, as for all the mystery and empty spaces. All in good time, all in good time. Thanks for the review,