Published January 11, 2014
All I can see and feel is static. It's been this way for years, but I know there is no point in questioning it. Every time I think of something, I start to feel weak and I lose a memory, almost as if my brain is being siphoned by some unknown source. My inner demons now dance freely around in my head as I start to lose grip on my sanity. Images from before I was in this state start to come racing through my head. A girl with her mother, a girl sitting on a bench crying and someone who looks like a doctor. I scoured my brain for some tiny trace of who these people could be, but it seems like I no longer have a memory bank. My perception is beginning to weaken. Soon I won't be able to tell good from bad, right from wrong.
But just when I lose hope, I think of the one thing that I can remember, the one memory that hasn't deserted me like everything else in my body and brain had done. It is a simple memory of joy and happiness, where you think that nothing could possibly get better from that moment, and for me it didn't. The memory is of the last time I kissed my wife, the feeling still stays with me. But even this is fading. Soon I will be able to see this memory and not know if this was a good or bad memory, if the lady was evil or good, if it happened recently or an eternity ago.
The sound of static is beginning to destroy my eardrums and further destroy my mind. I can't remember any other sounds, apart from the constant buzzing of the infinite abyss that I am trapped in. I begin to wish death. Or maybe I am dead and this is my hell. The people are starting to appear more often and more close, making the static more bareable, although I have less of an idea who they are every time they appear. They are talking, but the static is drowning them out.
The people are now close enough for their voices to be heard, although I’m beginning to dread the time when they start talking again. The little girl is the first to speak.
“Mummy, what’s with grandpa?” She asks, as through her childhood purity, she is too naive to begin to understand what is wrong. The mother and little girl fade and are replaced by the girl crying on the bench.
“Why did this happen to me”, she yells out to the sky through sobs and whimpers.
Finally, the last person is seen.
The doctor flips to a page of notes on his clipboard with a grim look on his face.
“I am deeply sorry, sir," he said as he took a gulp of air.
“It's Alzheimer's.”
Edit: Much thanks to Auxiira and ConverseFireGirl who helped me find the errors.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
I forgot one more thing: I think you switch tenses consistently throughout the piece, from present to past and back again. Choose one, and then change the words in the other tense to fit it. If I were you, I'd put it in present tense, because unless the character recovers from Alzheimer's, he wouldn't be able to look back on this moment and write a story about it.
I really enjoyed this story, with these little hints placed carefully along the way, just enough so I had it figured out by the revealing line. The anecdotes are really clever, his feeling of knowing without really knowing what they are really shown. Great job making Alzheimers realistic, capturing the thoughts of someone who has it flawlessly. However, I did find some small things that you might want to change:
“I am deeply sorry, sir”, he said as he took a gulp of air. Put the comma inside the quotes so it's "I am deeply sorry,sir,"
“It's Alzheimer's” Put a period before the end quote mark-"It's Alzheimer's."
My inner demons now dance freely around in my head as I start to lose (a) grip on my sanity. Add an "a" where I put the parentheses.
Images from before I was in this state start to come racing through my head. I think this could flow better, maybe change to "start to race through my head."
I begin to wish (for) death (to come).
Other than these, great piece! I love it! Keep writing!
Hey there,
Dreamy here to review. This was really a very good piece of work. In the middle of the story I began to think what this really was and quite lost my interest but the end came in as a shock. I actually re-read it once again and realized how simple yet powerful it was. You have done an amazing job, man. So, I have only two things which I thought you need to have a look at and here they are,
It should be "stays"
The "as" is kind of out of the flow. It will be good without "as".
Anyway, I liked it a lot. It really is short and amazing story. Keep up the good work.
Keep writing!!!
Cheers!!!
Hey Jordan! Auxii here to review!
First let me rub the goosebumps off of my arms. *shivers* This was brilliant, really brilliant.
Just a few nitpicks:
"the one memory that hadn't deserted me": as you're going with present tense, it should be "hasn't".
bare able: it's one word - bareable.
Its Alzheimers: you need and apostrophe for It's (contraction: it is) and a full stop after that.
Otherwise, it was brilliant. Really amazing and touching. I loved the imagery you used to describe Alzheimers as a static erasing everything. Just one little thing that caught my attention, at the beginning, there's a little boy with his mother, and at the end, it's a little girl with her mother... I'd love to know who the girl crying on the bench is, but I'm guessing he's forgotten, so we won't know...
I loved reading this! Keep on writing, and I hope I helped!
Auxii~
Thanks! Going to fix up all those errors!
Wow, this is a really powerful piece of writing!
I thought that this must have been a very hard topic to write about, but you did it well. The reader was intrigued by this "static" in his head and wanted to know what it was, the final lines topping it all of.
I found it particularly well written when he could see the people around him, but didn't actually know who they were or why they were there or why HE was there.
A few little mistakes:
"Its been this way for years,"
Should be:
"It's been this way for years,"
As well as:
"The people are now close enough for there voices"
Should be:
"The people are now close enough for their voices"
As the voices belong to THEM.
I literally cannot fault you on the piece of writing, it's powerful, emotional, and has good ideas. I congratulate you, and I hope this review helped.
-CFG
Fixed, thanks!