Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Daniel eyed Serena questioningly. He felt a bit embarrassed at the thought of her listening to the argument he was having with his mother. Professor sycamore had told him the day before he would have someone take him to get his first Pokemon. "Where's this meeting meeting place at?" Daniel yawned and scratched the back of his head.
Serena's eyes beamed with excitement. "It's just on the outside of town. Shauna is already waiting for us near the gates." With that she grabbed his arm and began leading him down the dirt path to the town's gate. As she led him he caught a view of the girl's butt tightly wrapped in denim shorts. Her orange shirt fluttered freely in the wind and he felt himself smiling stupidly as they walked. Soon they reached a cafe bustling with people. She let go of his arm and ran over to a table occupied by a few people around his age. One was a heavy set boy wearing a black Vanillite shirt. Next to him sat a small boy in a green sweater. Daniel sat down next to a taller girl in a black blouse and orange skirt. She eyed him as if he had just crawled out of a sewer.
"Daniel this is Tierno." Shauna said while pointing to the fat boy .
"I'm Trevor." The small boy piped up.
"And my name is Serena." The tall girl said in a snotty tone.
"Ok professor Sycamore said to give you three your own Pokemon to raise." Tierno said while sliding a large box in front of Daniel. "You can have first pick D." As Daniel opened the box he noticed Serena eyeing him with even more disgust. He unlatched the box and opened it to reveal three shinny Poke balls sitting beside each other. Above each of them were a picture of one of three Pokemon. Daniel picked up the Poke ball that contained Fennekin the fire Pokemon and slid the box to Serena. She picked up the Poke ball containing Froakie and handed Shauna the last poke ball containing Chespin.
A bright light illuminated from Shauna's poke ball and a small chespin materialized from it on the table. Shauna squealed and picked up the Pokemon holding it in her arms. "My Chespin is way-ay-ay too cute." She squealed.
"And you are way too annoying." Daniel murmured quietly as he stood up from the table.
"Where are you going?" Tierno asked him as he began walking back home.
"I gotta go get some things." Daniel replied quickly.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
It's interesting that you've added a maturity to these youngens who are playing with Pokemon for the first time. Having our main character actually attracted to his rival is an interesting mix. as well. You have some typos and consistency errors that I think the other reviewer pointed out. The main one is that Serenea goes and gets him to bring him to the cafe, but when they get to the cafe, Daniel acts like he's never seen her before having a new descriptor to her, as the tall snooty girl.
Also, try to be consistent with Professor Sycamore. You have his name in there twice, and yet you capitalize different things each time. Both Professor and Sycamore should be capitalized like President Clinton. It is his proper name and title just like Mister Smith, or Captain Donnithorn. If you're not capitalizing one of them, you're either disrespecting the knowledge he's obtained, or him as a person because of his name.
As for Pokemon and the names of Pokemon, it's really up to you if you want to treat 'Pokemon' as a proper noun, or just a noun like dog. If you do treat 'Pokemon' like 'dog' it doesn't need to be capitalized, however, Great Danes and Blue Heelers are capitalized, so you would capitalize "Chespin" and so forth like you almost did. You missed one Chespin in the fourth paragraph from the bottom.
Hey Kalder!
Back for chapter two. I'll write as I go along:
Okay, we're off to a confusing start here. At the end of your last chapter, you said her name was Shauna. We meet a character named Shauna later, so I guess you just mixed these up.
Wait, if he is getting his first Pokemon today, why did he have a Fletchling in his room?
I see so many writers here using this verb, and I really dislike it. There is nothing wrong with it per se, but there are so many other descriptive words that go better here.
Yet you never meet her at any gates. You go directly to a cafe, where she happens to be.
Again, know your audience. As I'm reading this I picture that Ash Ketchum 'Ay Gurl' meme. Not good.
Edit
Okay, now you switched the characters around again. Is Shauna the one he met outside of his house or is she the one at the cafe??
Ok, I'm gonna stick with this. And if this changes again I'll go mad.
He just asked where he was going, wouldn't it be better to have the character answer instead of relaying it outside of dialogue?
Okay, and that's chapter two. For such small chapters I have way too much to comment on. But after a while on YWS your writing will improve vastly. I know mine did.
I'm sorry if I didn't quite get the story you are trying to tell. I do hope my reviews helped a bit though.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff